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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

support thread. For current lone parents who live with their children

294 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/03/2014 12:04

If your a current lone parent with resident children and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place

And you don't want to ask an NRP or a step parent or none parent then why not ask in here.

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Meglet · 01/04/2014 21:03

jan don't compare yourself to what the other mum is doing. She won't be juggling everything even if she gives a good impression of it. I probably look fairly organised (work 3 days a week, 2 dc's who never see their dad) but I never do housework and mum comes round in the mornings on the day I work (10 mile drive for her) so she can get the dc's to school after I have got them ready. I am fighting my GP for counselling and TBH all I want to do is give up work and go to the gym. My nerves are shredded after 5 years of this.

And 5yo DD, aka The Child Who Never Sleeps is sitting down here with me watching a BBC4 documentary about fossils. I've had 3yrs of her sleep problems and recently thrown the towel in. It also means I can't watch the kardashians anymore Hmm.

Monetbyhimself · 01/04/2014 21:07

I appear serene on the outside. Inside I struggle every bloody bit as much as all if us do. The relentlessness of being the only parent they have who actually parents is draining.

CharCharGabor · 01/04/2014 21:30

Hi, I'd like to join in as well :) I've been an LP for almost 2 months, and it is hard. DD1 and DD2 are staying at their dad's house for the first time on Friday, and I am feeling a little wobbly about it. DD3 is coming back to sleep here as she is small and breastfed, but it will be a very quiet house. I am also dealing with him wanting to know when he can introduce the OW he left me for to them, which is really irking me.

Ihavemyownname · 01/04/2014 22:10

Hi
Jan i feel abit like that about a friend of mine but she has a lot more support from family then I do and goes out a lot she has a life and seems to have it pretty good atm but I know she's been through a lot and has just landed on her feet for now and it's only because I'm struggling that her life looks a lot better even though it's not Iyswim. It's just different to mine.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2014 22:28

I've got one for you to mull over.

Woman fell out with partner then finds out she's pregnant.

He finds out goes up the wall. Tells her unless she terminates he's going to cause trouble for her. One of the threats he made was that he would accuse her older child of abuse on the baby so it would get taken off her and he would be locked up.(child not even born)

How in gods name emotionally and safeguarding the older child from accusation do you deal with that!

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MeepMeepVroooom · 01/04/2014 22:46

God that sounds awful, did that happen to someone Sock?

Emotionally that's got to mess with your head, the person making threats like that is meant to be your partner.

From an outsiders view point I think inform the police and involve social services yourself prior to the 2nd child being born. But if you were on the inside I've no idea, I know part of me would feel I should do anything to protect my child but making the decision in to terminate another of your children to protect the other? I don't know if I could do that.

What an absolute head fuck (and if this is a situation that has happened the man is a massive C word!)

Monetbyhimself · 01/04/2014 22:51

Charchar that's shit Sad

MeepMeepVroooom · 01/04/2014 22:56

CharChar Could you invite a friend or family member round Fri so you have some adult conversation to distract you too?

I hope he appreciates that 2 months is faaaar too soon to be introducing anyone. Let alone the woman that played part in breaking up their parents marriage Sad

Monetbyhimself · 01/04/2014 22:58

Ooops sorry pressed send too soon!

Yeas it's shit having to deal with some cow with loose morals placing herself at the centre of your childrens lives. And of course if you don't dance to your Exs tune you vecome the evil, bitter ex Hmm

They'll only ever have one mum though. You are their constant and their stable rock. Whatever the sleazy liars star crossed lovers decide to do, remember that.

McPheezingMyButtOff · 01/04/2014 23:02

Joining in

Lone parent to a beautiful 21 month old girl

Her dad left us 12 months ago due to being a waste of space. He has now not seen his daughter in over a year, and pretty much pays nothing. Well nothing significant anyway.

I had a lovely chat with the CSA today Smile

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/04/2014 00:34

Yep it's real.

She's to late to terminate even if she wanted to. Called the police for advice they can't even log anything because he has not committed an offence they told her to talk to nspcc.

Nspcc told her to call the police.

I told her to talk to the social worker at her child's special school about safeguarding him (we all know what trauma an investigation like that could cause for a child) request that the school care support team make copious notes inc the date she spoke to them and ask what they think about a referral to children's services.

In between this all he's told her if she has the baby he's going to take her to court for PR and all sorts!

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whatshallwedo · 02/04/2014 00:39

Hi, I'd like to join this thread please Smile .

I hate the fact that if I want to go anywhere alone I have to ask someone to look after dd. It is as though I am asking their permission whilst exdp gets to swan in and out of my house and see dd but still be home in time to go out with friends or to persue a hobby.

I love my dd to bits and hate the fact that through no fault of our own we don't get to spend a full weekend together unless I have a good enough reason and have negotiated her to be with me on a Sunday.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/04/2014 00:45

Char.

Welcome. I second the invite a friend round. And whilst wanting to introduce the girl friend is a really bad move so soon, there is not much you can do about it (another of my bug bears)

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Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/04/2014 01:28

Pleasure to have you whatshall

Does dad have her so you can do stuff? Or is his involvement limited to a couple of hours on a Sunday?

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whatshallwedo · 02/04/2014 07:46

Thanks Smile . Exdp will stay longer to look after dd in the evenings he is visiting if I ask him to in advance and he hasn't got anything planned. However, whilst this seems entirely reasonable it doesn't mean that I can rely on him on a regular basis because if he gets a better offer he tells me on the day that he can't stay. I also (probably unreasonably of me) don't like having to ask when he doesn't have to ask anyone before he can go out iyswim. I'm not doing anything terribly exciting either, it's usually work related or so I can go to the supermarket without having to take dd at peak time.

I do realise that I am very fortunate compared to others though.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/04/2014 08:10

It's not lucky if they chop and change all the time and you can't rely on them.

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TheOrchardKeeper · 02/04/2014 08:29

Thanks Brew and a Wine for later for all those in the same boat.

I know i'm being a bitch, but last year I had a breakdown (mortified about it as I ended up in hospital/suicidal, though I love DS to bits. It was just horrid and I was so ill). Am fine now MH wise but in the space of two months:

Had a laparoscopy, had a cervical cauterization+biopsy, DG had a stroke, DU is ill again (bipolar) and is a suicide risk when he's very ill, Dm is having relationship problems, DS has clubfoot and has had a relapse, money has gotten tighter and I've been ill so often, as well as DS, who just got over chicken pox and the runs

At the same time DS's dad, who has had him EOW for a year has had a breakdown himself but isn't seeking much help for it and has basically barricaded himself in his DM's house. I know how hard it is but besides the one week where I was in hospital, I still had to look after DS 24/7 despite being very ill. He now hasn't seen him, or asked after him, or spoken to me at all besides to say he can't pay maintenance atm as he's signed off with stress. He doesn't have a clue how ill DS has been and I just cba to tell him as he's never cared that much anyway and certainly doesn't now he's ill. He also moved 250miles/3hrs away to live with his DM (all moved at the same time) in december, so it's been really tricky. He keeps telling me how much hard work DS is Hmm No shit...though he's worth it

Yes i'm a bitch. I just feel like it's all too much to juggle atm. I need a break tbh Wine

TheOrchardKeeper · 02/04/2014 08:30

(It's been a month and a half since 'contact' and DS won't stop asking about him. He's 3).

CharCharGabor · 02/04/2014 10:56

Hi guys :) I have told him that it is far too early, and his relationship isn't stable at all. He moved straight into her house fgs! He's agreed for now, but we'll see. Apparently she is going to be staying at her sister's when the DDs are there, so let's see how long that lasts!

I am thinking of inviting someone over. I will have DD3 snoozing and waking up all evening though, so I won't be totally alone. As much as I am not looking forward to them going, I am looking forward to him having to deal with all the tantrums, biting, hitting and general not listening that I deal with on my own every day. And I'm going to take myself off for a bit of shopping and some lunch on Saturday :)

That's shit TheOrchardKeeper, I don't blame you for being pissed off :( And whatshallwedo, it is shit not just being able to go where you need to, instead having to make arrangements and plan ahead

MeepMeepVroooom · 02/04/2014 11:19

Oh my god Sock

That is awful. What a horrible excuse for a human being he is. Who would do that to anyone?

There should be somewhere that these things can be reported and monitored appropriately. I don't understand why the police can't at the very least keep a record of what has been said.

Can she let her GP and midwife know and as soon as the baby is born the HV too? I'm no expert but I can't help but think the more professional bodies that have it on record the better for her and her kids in the long run.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/04/2014 11:51

That's what I've told her meep

Weirdly it's not the first time I've known it happen I've had a few clients report the same thing it's just thrown me a bit that its a friend iykwim? The you/a member of your family is abusing the child threat and a call to CS is not and never has been unusual.(perticularly in the context of domestic abuse)

When I worked for the LA most of the anon calls we got were malicious.

But this one seams especially spiteful because basically what he's threatening is an action that is abusive to not only the older child but the unborn baby. If he carries it out either the baby or child could be removed whilst they investigate the baby would have to be medically checked,whilst its quite right and proper that these things happen when a real concern exists IMO to cause it because of spite is abuse.

She's sat in my dining room using my phone at the moment talking to
these people

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

There a great legal service (free) who cover child/family/education law and you talk to a proper specialist

OP posts:
MeepMeepVroooom · 02/04/2014 12:09

I'm glad she has you as a friend that she has been able to confide in. So many women are ashamed to admit or report when they aren't the ones that should be ashamed.

The one good thing about him telling her his vile intentions is that it gives her the best chance at safeguarding her family prior to any accusation. Not only is he scum as far as I'm concerned he's stupid as well.

Thankfully his stupidity will go in your friends favour if he does follow through with his threats.

Hugs to your friend.

CharCharGabor · 02/04/2014 12:29

Needsasockamnesty, that is horrific Sad How could someone even think of doing that to a child? I hope your friend manages to figure something out to protect all of them

MeepMeepVroooom · 02/04/2014 12:44

Sock I've just been thinking, is it worth her making an appointment with a solicitor and seeing what her options are for a non-molestation order (I'm assuming she is in England same as you).

She would obviously have to provide reasoning which would mean that it was on record with the solicitor and court also?

TheOrchardKeeper · 02/04/2014 12:50

Sock that's awful Shock

My ex said similar things to try and get me to abort then past the abort stage it was all about adoption Hmm

And thanks Cha