support thread. For current lone parents who live with their children

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

If your a current lone parent with resident children and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place

And you don't want to ask an NRP or a step parent or none parent then why not ask in here.

Chuck I will remember that for when DD get's older.

You know what though ? Joking aside. The saddest part of my life is not spending every minute with the babies that I carried and gave birth to. My ex has always been complicated. Now he's a total stranger. I never ever imagined when I gave birth to my children that I'd have to hand them over to a stranger every other weekend. Knowing that that stranger and the stranger he lives with dedicate so much if their energy to destroying me for having the nerve to stand up to his abuse of me and my kids.
It's the hardest part of being an RP. All of our lives are placed on hold EOW.

'Brings thread crashing down. Sorry

Don't apologise Monet, I think this was why sock made this thread. So that there actually is a safe place to go for support.

I can understand what you mean though. My ex isn't even recognisable to me any more, whenever I come across pictures of us together it's surreal. I hardly remember the man that made me smile. Luckily unlike you, I don't have to hand my DD over to him.

It must be so difficult for you. Even with them trying to destroy you though I think it's safe to say that your a strong woman who will stand up for herself and her kids at whatever cost. Don't let them get you down, you have your babies and when they are grown they will look back and see just how much you did for them throughout their lives

My DD is a lone parent and tries to make the most of the times when my DGS is with his dad to take a rare chance to go out and socialise. As she says when you are a lone parent , you are 24hr childminder so depending on the DCs ages can't even go to the corner shop without either taking them with you or getting someone to mind them for you. So on the odd occasion DGS is with his dad she makes a point of going out.

Hey everyone, feeling sorry for myself, ds has got back from his dad's where he apparently had a great time and has whinged and moaned and screamed and shouted at me, even kicking at some points. I feel like the crappest parent.

Thanks for making a space to say this!

Notadragonsegg kettles on. Pull up a chair. Yeah the 'fun daddy' post contact meltdowns ser my teeth on edge [hmm[

Thanks Monet

That's exactly why I did start it people, so feel free.

It sucks I'm totally with you on that, it wouldn't be quite so bad if you didn't know that they went out of their way to be unpleasant about you to your children every opportunity they get. One of my kids tried to get his dad to agree to not even talk about me because he found the nastiness really hard to deal with, didn't work though. But he's NC now and has been for 2 years.

But by god I remember the behaviour when he got back crying rocking sometimes for days it was horrible.

I just don't understand how they can be so SHIT.

My kids see their dad at a contact centre, for two hours on a Saturday. This seems to be the only way of ensuring they aren't neglected or exposed to criminal activity.

But nobody is ever shocked when I tell them, the reaction is "oh right".

The reaction would be so different if a man were the resident parent, and the woman was so shit she had to go through a contact centre! It would be an absolute scandal, jaws would drop, voices hushed, questions asked with wide eyes and raised eyebrows "what did she DO?"

But when it's a father, it's just assumed he'd just sort of disintegrated. Become nothing important are capable. Like he'd been making superhuman efforts just to be normal, and he just couldn't manage it. Poor thing.

Fuck that! Not poor thing, not "at least he tried"! He was neglectful, stupid and criminal and now my kids only have their dad for two hours a week and they deserved so much better than that.

Idiot.

Hi guys, thanks for the thread OP! Great idea.
The thing I find most hard is the enforced separation from my DS.
His dad fucked off to live with OW and her kid shortly after my DS was born. I spent my pregnancy alone and have raised DS alone.
Ex then decided he wanted to be a daddy when DS was 3 months old, and they now all play happy families with the child I consider to be mine cos I've done all the hard work!
Luckily ex lives in another country so I don't have to deal with this too much but it really grinds my gears.

One once told me that he thought he was a brilliant dad and I quote "because I still see my kids and I pay for them"

no mate your not brilliant you see them once a month despite being meant to see them every week and you bung the mum £20 pw when you earn £800 pw

Needless to say he is no longer in my friendship group because he's a wanker

margot

It's hard isn't it. On the upside there not to close to you, it can't have been easy preparing your DS for long journeys like that

The difference in expectation and treatment of a mother and father is the bit that really grinds my gears.

Apparently it's not accepted that fathers should want to look after their children as much as mothers do, and pay more than the bare minimum towards their upbringing.

My ex's family consider him a saint because he has DS EOW and pays the minimum (probably slightly less than that now as it hasn't changed in 3 yrs).

Never mind that DS has a health issue that means he is regularly at the hospital and Ex never bothers to turn up despite knowing well in advance. Or that he has never managed to provide a stable home for DS and has moved through a succession of women and houses (often both at the same time if you get me).

Yeah why is it that men who see their kids 4 days a month are considered to be heros ? It's weird.

And don't get me started on 'oh at least you get weekends off when he has them

Yeah to clean, shop, file bills, work and matbe just maybe catch an uninterrupted nights sleep!

I agree about the difference in expectations. I also don't get the difference in attitude between men and women when they are RP.

I knew one man who was RP who used to leave his kids in the house whilst asleep to go to the pub across the road and down a side street. They were 4 and 7. The treatment of him was so bizarre. Like he was doing over and above what he should be doing and was treated as though he were some kind of exemplary parent. He would quite easily leave them without checking from 8pm till 12/1am and would quite frequently take them in with him during the day while he was on a session with mates.

I remember sitting with them reading stories and playing games on the occasions I was in.

People used to give it xxxx is such a good Dad, he has it so hard raising those kids on his own, he works full time to provide for them (he didn't actually, he worked some hours cash in hand whilst screwing every penny he could out of the benefit system).

He was reported to SS on several occasions but nothing ever came of it, the people who knew about him leaving them would stick up for him saying he was doing nothing wrong, they were safe in the house and he was deserving of a break.

I would put money that if that had been a woman not one single person would have thought that was acceptable behaviour. I don't expect to be treated like I'm doing something special, I'm looking after my child but some people show complete lack of consideration for what being a single parent entails. It took years for my work to understand that I cannot do overtime, I have to get home to collect my DD. There are also several 'friends' that have dropped off the radar because they think I should make more time for them to go out. They thought 2 days notice of a birthday night out was sufficient enough time for me to get a babysitter, not even considering that my only babysitters (my parents) might have plans or that since I was raising a child alone financially as well as emotionally that I maybe couldn't afford it.

I have known other men who are RP and they have been great Dad's but they still seem to be put on a pedestal and I just don't get it. Women who are single parents often have a stigma attached to them, whether it's we're all benefit scroungers or we knew what we were getting in to. It pisses me off to no end.

It's the equal parent thing that gets me.

How can you be equal if you do no parenting?

yes my ex just decided not to pay maintenance this month -apparently he has left his job. i do not want him to know how we were relying on that money, it was only re-instated a year ago and i was kind of getting used to it.
prior to that he paid nothing for over seven years.
i am so depressed we do not have enough money to live on any more.

I think in their head shared DNA equates to being equal parent

Nigella what an are. Maintenance is a bug bear of mine. It's like an opt in or out system for some.

Arse *

innit meepmeep well he has just opted out. i am so worried.

refreshing to read this thread and know its not just me. they have no idea what we go through. dh has been ill last week so he cancelled contact to recover (fair enough i don't want dd getting sick) but he has no concept of the nightmare it is when she is sick and plans need cancelled, when i am sick and can barely move never mind look after her. its ok for him he just tucks up in bed till hes better! its so hard not to feel so angry and upset about it.

another issue i am down about at the minute is comparing myself to another friend i have. i wish i could stop comparing myself but i can't. she is also a lone parent with a toddler, and copes so much better than i do. she rarely lets feeling ill get in the way of anything, she has a very good job half of the week, she always seems to have endless energy for her and her ds to do all kinds of activities and they always look amazing. i hear of her up late at night doing things in the house, like extra work and study. she loves spending every waking moment with her ds and keeps him up late. i feel like i am such a failure. i have no energy and can't wait till dd is in bed - i count down till bedtime! i try just to get through the day. i find it hard working 2 half days and often feel like i can't cope. i don't have depression, i just feel its all too much for me.... how does she get to be supermummy and what is the secret...lol

You may find she's even a bit jealous of your more relaxed outlook. Chances are she's just as worried as most people are about stuff

jan

I have a friend that was similar to yours except she was married, her husband was a very hands on Dad and at times I was insanely jealous (in the way that friends can be without resenting their friend) at what she had. She has a huge family that all work different hours and family with kids similar ages to her own DC and they would have sleepovers with the kids so they got adult time in the evening and were always out doing fun things during the day, hearing about it made my life feel quite lonely by comparison.

She recently had a break down and it turned out she was suffering with depression and wasn't coping with not just motherhood but life in general.

Whilst I'm not for one second suggesting your friend is in that position my point is just that from the outside looking in things can look pretty rosy, but that's usually because that's what people want you to see. So many people hate talking about struggling or finding certain things tough so we just don't.

You're not a failure, you sound like a single parent who's knackered!

Make a plan of what you want to do for a day and even if you feel like you have no energy go and try it anyway. Half the battle sometimes is just getting organised and out the door.

Nigella I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice, it's so hard to cut back when your struggling already. Have you spoken to anybody to make sure you have access to any benefits available to you?

Hi, just checking in :)

I always thought GF was girlfriend. Prefer the alternative :)