support thread. For current lone parents who live with their children

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

If your a current lone parent with resident children and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place

And you don't want to ask an NRP or a step parent or none parent then why not ask in here.

Hello new posters!
I'm having an Easter egg hunt at my new house for about 7 kids the weekend after Easter as we are going to an egg hunt for Easter itself. Also going to see Peppa Pig at the local theatre which is pretty exciting. Just hoping DD stops being sick now (woke at 1am and has been sick a fair few times and keeps getting herself a drink which makes her sick again - I'm trying not to shout at her on about 4 hrs sleep and have now had to hide all cups).
Had another call from CSA yesterday to say ex's payment failed again! Has happened every month since Jan. Sheer coincidence it seems, but he happens to have unblocked me on fb (his first name has first 2 letters same as quite a few of my friends and boy, was I shocked when his name and pic came up from the search bar!). No idea what he is playing at as it seems he is happily engaged to the younger woman. Has FB recently re-done their security settings? I checked mine so know what he can see, but it was a bit disconcerting.

I'm going to my sister's for Easter Sunday with my family. There will be an egg hunt in her garden for the children Other than that a quiet weekend is on the cards.

Had a really fun day today with friends and their kids. We were all playing in the sunshine and I just had one of those moments when you realise how lucky you are to be in that little person's life. I thought I would post as I know it is hard for all of us at times, being the only person watching them grow up as intently as we do. What complete idiots these men are, for all their bravado and showy indifference, for giving up on someone who could bring them so much joy and insight. I am so proud to be this girl's mother. As Marilyn apparently once said "Girls don't need men who don't need them" Night all!

I have celebrated my DS's birthday this week..It is the 3rd one since he last heard from his Dad... I doubt his Dad gave him a thought on the day but we had some lovely quality time and plenty of fun...Whose loss...

That's good Lion and Starlight. Sounds like excellent days with your children. I've had a lovely time with mine this week. Trips to the park, a theatre visit and time with my extended family.
I sometimes feel guilty about my ex not getting the joy of our children, because I was the instigator of the spilt.
Have to remind myself of how awful things were.

~Red bushed- I tell my DS we left Daddy as I believed and still believe we are happier living on our own than with him... I haven't said we went to a refuge just I know we are both far happier on our own and these days out would not of happened if we had not left...Firstly we would of had no money as Ex spent it on drugs

I was the instigator of the split too, so I know what you mean. However I tried so hard to get him to be reliable with visits and even suggesting contact centres etc, that you have to at some point give up and realise they simply don't want to make the effort. Any little excuse is magnified and they justify it to themselves. I don't think ex would have turned up on time or regularly and he knew it, so better to blame it on the contact centre, rather than his own lack of ability. So sad that there is simply not the driving force to get to know their own children though.

Trouble with the men who can just walk out/never think or visit their kids is that that is just the way they do life. They are No 1. No matter who else comes along, no one will keep their attention because of this. It is definitely better, IMO, not to have that behaviour around a child. It's hard enough thinking how to explain the one selfish act of them never seeing the child, but imagine if you had to explain on a daily basis why daddy is being such a twunt and that it isn't actually acceptable behaviour... !

We went and saw Peppa Pig yesterday which DD loved and a park trip and playdate here afterwards. Today we are off for our Easter egg hunt after lunch and she's already got her wellies ready by the door! I think someone may be a little excited!

Thank you both. My ex still has regular contact with the children but he's a manipulative bugger so I sometimes almost wish he didn't! I seem to be giving lots of vague pep talks lately about the importance of being true to yourself, and how it's not your responsibility to make other people happy.. because that is definitely not the message their dad is spinning.

Had a fantastic day out with family today, lots of yummy food, playing outside and a huge silly egg hunt. So lovely to be able to give children happy times

this morning difficult so far... dd whining. made her 3 different breakfasts which she disregarded and is now crying for toast (which was thrown out) tantrumming now. family are away on hols they are usually who i would moan to lol

This too shall pass.

I've found myself loosing my temper a lot over the last few weeks - when I was ill it was particularly bad as I was so tired and achy. I feel I just need one night with more than 5/6 hours sleep to get completely better but know it won't happen so trying not to think about it.

DD woke up in a terrible mood demanding 2 boiled eggs and then insisted that she had forgotten how to eat them herself but at least she ate them even if I did spoon feed her. She is tantrumming over clothes mostly atm and I have given in and allowed her to choose her daily outfits now. I just take extra layers.

Does anyone else worry that you are having to be either more or less strict than couples with family and partners? I find I have to be quite strict or we'd not get anything done. Even as I type she is climbing all over me as she doesn't like me doing anything not involving her!

Deep breath Jan, Lion is right - this stage does pass. (although you don't say how old DD is, if she's 18, maybe not )
I do have to be very strict sometimes. but then I started to feel like as ex doesn't really do saying "no", I was going to always be the bad guy. Which sucks.
It's a constant balancing act. I now have some firmly enforced house rules and then go with the " lots of praise " tactic so I'm not having to shout lots.
It was a real mind shift making a conscious effort to relax around them. I'm finding the responsibility of being their everything in a day to day basis weighs bloody heavy! I was finding I was really tense and stressed out all the time which I took out by being snappy with them. Getting my finances under control and a strict routine allows me to be a lot calmer and actually have fun with them.
sorry... essay post!

she is 2.5... and i totally get what you mean i can't do anything at all she demands my constant attention, she cannot entertain herself for ONE minute and i find myself ok for awhile and then i can't cope with it, like today for example cos i had a busy day yesterday and im tired. last straw i went to get changed she was poking my belly etc and i cracked up and put her out of my room, ended up her crying me apologising and hugging. stress city indeed. on way out to park here as she is clinging to my legs. i just feel down today.

Oh and Jan I'm stating on the 'if you don't eat it you don't get anything else'. Simply put we can't be arsing about making 3 meals! Time wise/cost wise/patience wise. This is why I think I need to be stricter - if we are out and she doesn't listen there is no one else to play good/bad cop and she can run riot if I let her. She ran into roads deliberately last week (yes, she knows better but was testing me) and I was having to leave the buggy spinning in the pavement to grab her in time. She's a big girl (98th centile) so more like a 3/4yo and trying to hold her while she kicks and screams to get down is really hard. I worry that next year I simply won't be able to manage, especially with my back - nearly brought me to tears last week. So I think I have to really lay down the law now or risk her taking over the household.

I do feel like a screaming harpy when these times hit - I had been very good at not raising my voice until about 3 months ago! But now I think attachment parenting is all well and good but they need to know when they have been naughty it makes people upset - thinking mummy is fine despite nearly being hit by a car isn't helping anyone and isn't real to life.

P.S - essay rambling posts galore here, sorry!

Mine are older and it does get easier! (6 & 8) I am strict on things like safety and respect for property. Having defined rules has definitely made it easier for us all as they know where they stand. As they get older they understand more when they are being cheeky.
I agree Lion. Children need to know that as well as being a mummy, you are also a person. So sometimes you are tired, and you are ill, and you can be angry, and that is normal. I tell mine that if they are buggering about and not going to bed etc "mummy is tired, I need you to go to bed so that I can finish tidying up and go to bed too, because if I don't get enough sleep I will be tired and grumpy tomorrow which is no fun for any of us!"
I want them to be considerate of other people's feelings as they grow up, and that includes mine

i agree with both of you and totally relate lion that sometimes you just don't have the same level of patience and things get on top of you. like today i swore... not in the same room as dd, but i never swear usually, and i was just so angry that life seemed so hard, and i really felt tortured today, that is the word. my dd is very tall for her age and when she misbehaves it also looks like a 3-4 year old being naughty and i feel like people don't get that shes not far off 2.
i am trying to be a lot stricter as i really don't want her being a spoilt brat running riot cos basically what you are both saying - i just can't deal with it. today we ended up in soft play she was ramming her trolly into another tot repeatedly - i was mortified.... ive always taught her good manners. i told her if she did it again we were going home,... thankfully she didn't but i was ready to leave. it is just tiring .... today for some reason worse today i think cos you get the feeling everyones with their families. well, half way through the day!

Jan my DS is 7 looks 8 and had a similar conversation yesterday but the difference over much more minor things...

Things to remember..the tanturms are a sign she is developing normally...I find at 2 1/2 choices are not good..This is breakfast (so long as it something she doesn't hate) , she will push her luck it is exhausting but well worth it...Let her have her tantrum..I can tell you my Ds had the biggest tantrum ever in fromt of customer services at a supermarket...Like he knew it was the worst possible place to have a tantrum.

I am also very guilty of playing with my DS all the time he asked..I would say he was useless at it he was but what I learnt was I had to teach him to be better...Set up an activity of something she enjoys whether it be colouring jigsaws.. and sit by her when she is doing it but don't join in...

It is a very very hard age...Get out if you can toddler groups, park anywhere...It really helps..

I do find I am very strict but then I also tell him silly rhymes he can repeat at school as he doesn't have any brothers and sisters to learn from .

I would also say they pick up on your feelings..if you are tired exhausted then they sense it...

DD has done a lot of walking today, so I'm hoping she won't wake at 2 and have to come in with me like the last couple of nights...fingers crossed. Sent her off to pick two books and her pyjamas while I type this.

Completely agree about choices; up until a couple of months ago I think it helped her feel in control when language was a bit patchy. Now however she changes her mind second by second so better not to have any choices on display. I think 2.5-3yo is an odd age as they can vocalise everything, undo zips/doors/other previously safe catches, feel bigger than babies and yet they are realising how big the world is. I think that is why the tantrums start around here and the choices can make things more confusing than they need to be.

May be back later!

i am just about still recovering from sunday and monday!

yes i think she does pick up on my moods, and on monday i was just so fed up and tired to engage with her. i think i will give her less choices from now. i stopped giving her choices with clothes as i realised it took so much longer for her to get dressed!

about her playing on her own... i have tried this so many times and it ends in tantrums. for example on monday she asked me to play lego (and this is after constant attention all morning) and i said you play and mummy sit here and watch .. on my phone lol.... and she tipped all the lego out in a rage. then she was tantrumming 'mummy play mummy play' till my nerves were wrecked and went on to something else. i just wish i could crack this one. must be just her personality that she won't play on her own.

lion i really hope dd didn't get up at 2am, that must be so difficult, ive been through that so many times and its exhausting.

Ah, lego rage! We get tantrums about breakfast mainly (every morning without fail) but anything where she can change her mind a zillion times and then go back to the first thing, works just as well. She's into playing games by herself though but I think she is unusual here as a friend commented on her ability to entertain herself the other day. I have been doing jigsaws with her and now she will do them herself but she is able to play happily with a dolls house/dominoes/building houses with blocks alone for 10mins-1hr! 1hr is unusual but does happen if she is engrossed in something. I found that actually leaving her to it (with an eye on her obvs) means she gets more into it IYKWIM. If I ask if she is OK etc the spell is broken I used to play alone well as a kid (only child so you have to!) and I think she has got my imagination luckily.

Have you tried any of the orchard toys yet? DD likes the shopping one, the spotty dog one and incy wincy spider ones the best. She also likes snap which keeps her happy (she can set it out too which gives me five mins peace!) and is a bit more entertaining to play than most things! I try to limit our together play to these games so that she knows I will do these but not others which I think manages expectations! Hope some of those suggestions help or might work?

She has been waking up every night since her sick incident. It was 12 last night so I wasn't even in bed... She is making me sleep earlier though so possibly a good thing. She found two berets I bought in Paris when I did an event years ago this morning. She called them 'cherry berries' and was happily sitting on the loo with it on her head - they are so funny!

Frustrating. Jan .try changing your words. Rather than I am going to watch...try with Lego...show me what you can build...dress up and do a dance ..colour me a picture ..whatever works...I don't think it is that she won't, some do need to be taught it., it is a slowly slowly process...the other thing is start playing build Lego..Mummy just go make a cup of tea and mummy see what you have done when you get back...

My DS would refuse to pick his own clothes when I asked him why he would say he was too lazy...lol....

I also love orchard toys, spotty dogs was my Ds first game...The games become slightly less mind numbing ,

too lazy... thats hilarious! they do make you laugh. dd went past a dump site the other day and said 'look at all that, for goodness sake!!' in the appropriate tone... i couldn't stop laughing.

that is an excellent idea, i will start her on something and then say i will get a cuppa or go to the loo etc, or say you are very good at doing that yourself or something along those lines. will give it a go!

Hilarious! I love the phrases they just adopt!
If DD is tantrumming and I am carrying her I get "PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTRUMENT!"
Right we are off to the park so see you all later!

Lion sorry i missed your post! dd sounds so cute with the 'cherry berries' lol. i haven't got any orchard toys, will have to look out for them. i think you are right about leaving her to it, and not interrupting... sometimes when dd is quiet for a few minutes i am so not used to it so i say something - anything, like do you want a drink/snack/ are you ok/ isn't that lots of fun... lol then it distracts her, she realises mummy is doing something else, and the moments lost. i need to remember to LET her have her time when the moment arises!!

It is funny the past few days I have wanted to send a message to my DS's Dad ( I wouldn't as it may well open up a can of worms ) but to tell him how well my DS is doing ..the things he enjoys , how fantastic he is doing at school...At times I really struggle with what to do with my pride...

I am sure this feeling will pass again does anyone else ever feel like that.

yeah like you just want to share the things they do with someone who loves them and knows them. even the little things. you can always share them here...:)