support thread. For current lone parents who live with their children

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

If your a current lone parent with resident children and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place

And you don't want to ask an NRP or a step parent or none parent then why not ask in here.

Shoes, I have sooo many pairs of shoes, a whole washing basket full if ones I've bought and tried to fit over splints. Finally got some that fit (thank you kind mnetter) but still have millions that don't.

We do use a centre and it's not the closest one but it makes me feel safer knowing he's not coming so close to home.

Not sure where we go from here tbh. Contact had just been cut from every week to every 2 (literally just, as in he's had 2 sessions)

According to the mediation people next step is to have a potential place at the centre every 2 weeks but require him to call an confirm with not less than x notice or session will be assumed as not going ahead

Just makes me bloody mad. He's doing it to hurt and control me but it's dd that going to be hurt.

Yes lion it's all recorded.

If I stopped contact now and he took me to court he be laughed out of the building.

Not that I'm going to. Tbh I think that's what he wants. A way it blame me for the fact he doesn't see her.

But I am beyond accusation.

Everything is written down, I have gone above and beyond the call of duty to get her to contact, never cancelled with less than a weeks notice (and still only 3 times in 18mo) and been 10 mins late once.

He has missed about 2/3rds of sessions with no more than 3 hrs notice and 2 complete no shows. The sessions he has come to he had been late and finished early (2hrs ffs )

He is in short an utter knob!

So sorry herrena it sounds like you've done everything within your power to facilitate contact, but you can lead a horse to water... Its true that they try to hurt us but it ends up being the children who suffer. It makes me so angry

That's my issue with it, how bloody dare he use her to hurt me, how can someone do that to their own child?

Because they don't think of the child as a person yet, that is how. It's sadly the only way I can understand how ex has behaved. He honestly thinks when she is older she will see how well he has done in his life and be grateful or proud that he is 'her father'. What he fails to take into account are the ideas that she may not give a shiney shit by then about who he is or want to find him, or she finds him and feels his success was why he gave up on her and resents it, or she sees him as boasting about his life when she sees I have been raising her rather than living the party lifestyle and living in luxury but looking after her instead and thus he is selfish a fitting label which he can't get away from being an absentee parent here anyway
Anyway, all I can say is that with some luck he will fade away from your lives and you can get back to some normalcy. I am very relived I don't have the extra dramas he used to embroil us in. It was draining and turned me into a fruit loop due to anxiety. 2 years on and I am much calmer and glad DD doesn't have to witness parent's arguing or stressing each other out. I do think people put too much pressure on both parents 'being there' when in reality if one is really not bothered and shows it to the child, that is far more damaging to the child than if they never saw them at all.

I agree, Lion. Two parents is ideal but if one turns out to be a selfish arse or worse then how does it benefit the child having them around?

any "man" who thinks he can be absent for a whole lifetime then turn up when the child turns 18 and say "hey, I'm your cool dad!" and expect adoration and respect is DELUDED! like, that's actually kind of funny its so ridiculous, funny if you forget about the child anyway

I've come to the realisation that ex is never going to be a real father, so I'm on to damage limitation now. I feel like all I can do is maintain an open and honest dialogue with dd and hope she's not too damaged

They seem to do it because it works - it gets a reaction and it isn't like they're going to have to deal with the consequences.

Ok - sorry slight de-rail from the ongoing conversation.

Does anyone on this thread who's children don't have contact with NRP date? How the hell do you find the time?

I've met someone, he seems lovely. He is wanting to go out (has said he'll fit in around me because he understands that I don't have much/very rare free time) and while yes I could and do ask my parents to babysit occasionally there is no way in hell I would ask them to do it regularly.

Part of me thinks I'll be single until the day DD turns 16 purely because I don't have time to go out and for obvious reasons would not want to be introducing people to my DD for a long long time.

Oh and with regards to what's just been being posted - Because they don't think of the child as a person yet I think this is kind of right but I tend to think it's more that these people who mess around with contact/child support view their children as an extension of their ex, that's why they are twats to their kids. It's because it's an extension of them being a twat to the RP. They are just too bloody stupid to see that these kids will one day be old enough to see it and understand it for exactly what it was.

I find that my friends with a DP give their children to their parents far more than I do!

When I date I either have a babysitter or my mum has DS for me.

I tend to go out a lot more when I am dating (which is GREAT) as it gives me an excuse to make effort and have a budget for cinema etc.

At the moment, I've not been out for months.... (should get that sorted really!)

I'm a serial dater of "the wrong men" and so am staying single for a while, so far it's been 7 months, a year in August and I'm rather enjoying it.

It will be 3 years in September that I've been single. I have met men since but nothing that has ever seems worth taking further. I've been really wary about getting involved with anyone since my ExH.

I find that my friends who are with partners also ask their parents to take their DC more than I do. I know my parents would take DD more if I asked but I just wouldn't ask. I have friends I could ask to babysit but again I wouldn't really ask them unless an emergency.

I wouldn't mind paying for a babysitter, it's just having someone I would trust to do it that would be the problem. It's also extra money that I would feel guilty about spending. It's a minefield.

Hi all

LP to 3DC for the last two years.

They are currently on holiday with ex and his new girlfriend. He sees them twice a week and pays maintainence so I know I've got it better than a lot of you.

House is so quiet without them. Everyone telling me to do something, take a trip, decorate etc. but ex decided as he was having DC this week not to pay maintenance . So there's no money to do anything.

The worst thing for me being a LP is just the grind. Being the only person responsible for food/drink requests. Being a constant referee, bedtimes never shared with anyone else. It's exhausting.

Agreed, it is hard to justify spending money on a babysitter. I've been going to a weekly class recently and mum's been having DS for me to do that, but it finished about 6 weeks ago and I literally got picked up, did the class and then came home again. I'd planned to do something else afterwards but did the sums and I'd rather have a vacation in the summer.

I've recently fallen off the radar with my friends (who have no children) as I can't do last minute or they plan things which cost too much so my nights out are non-existent at the moment.

When it comes to dates, I find that quality is better than quantity and once mum thought the date was worth it, she was happy to have DS overnight a couple of times a month for me to avoid him being at my house with DS. Other times, I'd get a babysitter and have to be home by 10, but it would be enough time to get a meal and have a chat. A trick that I used as well was to have the babysitter stay over so no late night naughtiness occurred and no "coming in for coffee"!

There's a website childcare.co.uk (I think) which is a good way to find nice babysitters and to see what it's like near you. You can put an ad on for free.

Hi Pantone, I do not envy you at all with having 3 to yourself! How old are they?

It's the one week of the year when you can tidy their bedrooms without having it look like a bomb's exploded 10 minutes later!

Why not use the week to catch up with friends and family, have nice hot baths without being interrupted and give the house a good sort out.

They're 8, 6 and 4! Yes house is immaculate just started on the garden. I know I should be making the most of it and I am having some nice time watching grown up films in the day and baths at 3 in the afternoon!

My DS is 6, and he's enough on his own! I'd hate the refereeing - and I'm training him to get things for himself (and for me).

We have 10 minutes when we get in of doing jobs etc and then he plays while I cook. If drinks aren't asked for before we sit down to eat, he can either wait or get one himself. I'm just starting the "putting things away before getting more out" rule, although this so far only applies downstairs where I can see him.

We're due a bit toy clear-out and a car boot, but I really can't be bothered at the moment.

Baths at 3pm aren't all they're cracked up to be - I always feel icky again come bedtime :/

lizlemon XP is going to do just that, apparently. I have an e-mail from him (sent in 2009) saying he will not see the kids at a contact centre and will wait until they're 18 when he will tell them what a bitch I am. I will confess to laughing when I read it . He's never seen them since and over my dead body will he see them again.

TBH I have huge problems about the pro-absent parent bias the courts seem to have. Fuckwit, abusive dad who feeds the kids crap and has no boundaries...yes of course he must see them . I'm so glad I've never had to go through that.

I have just started seeing someone. we rarely go out as I have no family near by so no babysitters. He usually comes to mine and we have dinner and watch films and things. I've known him for almost a decade though so I trust him enough to have him in my home after dd is in bed, not the same if you're dating strangers

That's it. It's just because I don't really know him. I've no problem with friends male or female coming round in the evenings or during the day for that matter but I trust them implicitly around myself and my daughter.

Luckily he has messaged saying he'll fit around me as and when and that he is happy to come to mine once DD is in bed but only if/when I feel comfortable with it.

He has his own daughter, see's her regularly and really genuinely seems like a nice guy. I've always ended up with idiots to be honest so having a nice guy around (even if it's not for lasting) would be a welcome change.

Sounds great, Meep :)

Liz Hopefully it stays that way haha. I don't seem to have much luck but time will tell.

We're meeting up next month so will see how things are then.

One good thing about having a complete waster as an ex is that I'm a bit more picky these days and at the first sign of issues I'd be out of that like a shot.

same here, meep! I'm very aware of what I will want and need now and am not willing to settle for less

Aw Paddling honestly it does get better. I still have the odd cry when I've had a shitty day because of everything that has gone on and that's 2.5 years on and various amount of shit from along the way.

You'll have good days and bad days but you will get to the point where you are so happy to be rid. I'm am a million times stronger now than I was then but there is zero shame in admitting it's hard bloody work and can weigh you down now and again.

And fuck them, he'll eventually cheat on her too. But by that time you'll be in such a better place.

It does get better in a few years you will be wondering why you were fussed and be glad you got shot of him.

Today I'm really quite cross, I get a text saying don't go to childminder it's a nice day come grab me and we can go out.

I'm thinking ok that will be nice,so after I've cancelled CM (and paid her) to get a call saying can you make sure you bring paracetamol and a bag just incase I'm sick.

So after months of disinterest he suddenly gets a urge to see kids when he's been so sick he hasn't got out of bed for 3 days and has the shits,I have 3 people in my household with compromised immune systems and a toddler as well as a tiny 5 month old (about the size of a 3 month old). Then gets irate when I say not on your nelly.

Needs that sounds fricken typical. When I was pg ex walked out and decided to come back when he had an operation and no one to look after him except muggins here. It makes them realise what is really important in life, but it is always short lived as once they are fighting fit they run off after squirrels again.
And yes, I HATED the lack of consideration. I was 8 months pg and was running around after him, while he wasted my MW appts telling them all about HIM. So so selfish.
It definitely does get better. Once you have the time to detach and realise how much easier it can be not having the emotional turmoil and messy scruds around the place (and worse) you get quite independent. I don't think I could deal with another man in the house now! I do honestly think men need women, rarely the other way around.