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Original poster

Ok, I am going to need your help with this one....... any advice or experience would be welcomed.

310 replies

NamedAfterCbeebies · 29/06/2006 18:12

I have had to change my name incase this does go the way that I think it might well do and I dont want anything that I say on here to be dragged up at a later date.

I am hoping that you will all know who I am but please do not use my other name (which I will keep for other threads) and do not refer to anything that could give me away to anyone that could be reading this and shouldnt be iykwim.

It has been 3 weeks since H moved out, and we have tried to keep it very nice and friendly. But I think I have been very guliable and to trusting. We agreed that H would have the children on his days off (he works 4 days on and 4 days off) I thought that this arrangement was more than fair and that it was also the least painful solution.

H has been telling me over and over that he wants to work things out and that he will continue to provide for us all etc, which is why, although I went to the CAB I havent put the whells in motion with regards to CSA and IS.

Anyhow, H booked some time off work. He has had the boys since Thursday, which is coming up to a week. Obviously more than his 4 days.... But, on questioning him about it he replied "Well you said when Im not working they will be with me..." which I did, but I didnt specify about holidays etc. I thought that it was fine, he could have them for longer, they are his children too.

Anyhow, My mil has decorated a bedroom for them, I havent seen them for more than half an hour every other day for a few days now. H has stopped bringing them round, Mil keeps putting the phone down on me..... H ame round today alone to talk and has admitted that they want to keep the boys with them. His mom is mainly pushing for it. H has said that he wants whats best for the children - ie, living with me as his work shifts mean it would be impossible to care for them full time... but that his mother would be able to help with childcare.

I dont think he is able to stand up to his mother on this, and deep down I dont think he wants too. He enjoys having his children with him.

As they are in his care atm, I cant just go round and demand them back, he has as many rights as me. I keep suggesting that he brings them over here but he finds ways around it - suggests trips out etc. He wants to keep them 'staying with him' as if they were in my house then I could just say that they wernt leaving again.

I have been so stupid trying to keep things nice. He has changed the last week, stopped trying to win me back, stopped calling etc, basically backed off. I think his mother and him have decided between them that they want residency of the children.

What can I do? They are with him atm and what if he decides to keep it that way? This is not something I ever considered he would think of doing, and I know its mainly down to mil.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Thank you.

OP posts:
rickman · 01/07/2006 23:39

Message withdrawn

flutterbee · 01/07/2006 23:43

He will allow you to have them as long as he can stay over, this man is a prize knob and you need him out of your life, unless of course you actually do want to get back with him, which deep down inside you might do but just not want to admit it.

You need to make some desicions quickly and follow them through, seek legal help and then take whatever action they reccomend and demand you children are returned, your DH has had them long enough.

hunkermunker · 01/07/2006 23:47

If you're not happy to lose them, you need to do something.

Original poster
NamedAfterCbeebies · 01/07/2006 23:59

I am trying too. Of course I dont want to lose them, I need to talk to a soliciter on Monday, I am trying to be very careful re mil, part of her work is on the child protection panel and she knows how to get what she wants. The only way I am going to get anywhere is by playing dumb and nieve until ive seen my soliciter (which I am trying to look up in the yellow pages atm so I can be prepared) I tried the taking them and running option and it got me no where, I guess I have to try the letting him stay and pretending to forgive him option until ive got the legal side sorted. There is no way in the world he is coming back into my bed though. The thought makes my stomach turn.

I have another option, I would like your opinion on this... You may recal a thread not too long ago where I talked about something that had happened... I was advised to take photos. For once in my life i listened and did as I was told. I still have them. Maybe I could threaten him with exposure if he doesnt give me what I want. Is it a valid option? What do you think?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 02/07/2006 00:01

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

That's what I think.

Ring the police now. You don't have to give your name, you can 141 the call so they can't trace you. Just get their advice.

Your MIL cannot have the whole of the police in her power. These are your children. The longer they are with this woman, the more poison she has the chance to pour in their ears.

rickman · 02/07/2006 00:01

Message withdrawn

hunkermunker · 02/07/2006 00:02

And make sure that you have copies of those photos. If you can, email them to someone you trust.

hunkermunker · 02/07/2006 00:03

Imagine yourself in ten years time if you don't try everything you can to keep these children.

And imagine how they'll feel when they're old enough to see the bigger picture.

rickman · 02/07/2006 00:06

Message withdrawn

Blu · 02/07/2006 00:06

I think you need to get legal advice BEFORE MOnday. Call women's aid now...or any other suggestions that anyone has. I am sure you can get mergency legal advice on a Sunday.
or start a thread on here under legal with a specific title about your children being persuaded away, to attract those with legal knowlege / experience.

Look, letting them go because they are upset is EXACTLY playing into her hands.

serenity · 02/07/2006 00:07

Not very helpful I know, but my reaction is Go to the police now. Tell them what he's done, show them the pictures, tell them he's essentially kidnapped your children and ask for help in retrieving them. OK, so they might say they can't help you, but at least you would have tried, and it would be on record that they were with your MIL/H against your wishes. You can still see the sol. on Monday.

hunkermunker · 02/07/2006 00:08

They have taken the children against your wishes.

He has been violent towards you.

Why are you not on the phone to the police now?

hunkermunker · 02/07/2006 00:09

(or are you, in which case, make sure you tell them everything)

misdee · 02/07/2006 00:10

dunno what the photos are about, but get the kids and run further away. no idea where you are in the country, but get things together and be prepared to make a run for it. dont let anyone know where you are. contact womens aid.

Blu · 02/07/2006 00:16

Don't make anyy false claims to get police attention, but do do something.
Thinking it through: if you cal the police, thy may take no action beyond checking that the children are safe and being reasonably looked after - but you will have alerted mil. Honestly, i think i would call women's aid and ask advice. Or the NSPCC - anyone who can tell you where toget emergency legal advice and support now.

Original poster
NamedAfterCbeebies · 02/07/2006 00:16

have been on hold with them for ages and then it cut to answer phone, will try again in a minute

OP posts:
Original poster
NamedAfterCbeebies · 02/07/2006 00:18

To WA that is - see what advice they have about fathers being able to take kids away etc

OP posts:
Blu · 02/07/2006 00:18

ok. That must be v frustrating. I wonder if your council ha a 24 hr social services advice line...can anyone here help woth googling for help in your area?

soapbox · 02/07/2006 00:22

Phone the police - ask to speak to the domestic violence unit and they will have a duty solicitor who you should be able to contact!

Nathanmum · 02/07/2006 00:25

He shouldn't be able to dictate that he has to stay if the kids do, they are your children, why shouldn't they stay with their mother? If he is bringing them tomorrow, can't your mum or someone be there when they're dropped off? I'm worried for you being alone there.

hunkermunker · 02/07/2006 00:32

It's all controlling behaviour, Beebies.

He's got his mum on his side now too.

It's not even about the boys - although it will be for MIL.

chubbleigh · 02/07/2006 00:33

I have been in a very similar situation to this and you are going to have to get really tough. If the children are going to be with H it is the ideal time for you to get a few things sorted out, most pressing is to get your arse to a solicitor as a matter of urgency. Write notes about everything that has happened and take them with you. Have an idea in your mind about how you want things to work out regarding H's time with the children.
My advice would be to stop fighting with H on a daily basis about where children will be for the next few hours or night and concentrate on getting the whole situation sorted with legal help.
My xp used be very demanding and bullying about when he would spend time with ds and all the same stuff about refusing to say when he would bring him home. It was a truly horrible time but I managed to put feeling of overwhelming stress to one side, got a solicitor, dug my heels in and now we play the game my way. XP still pushes me when he thinks he can get away with it but knows exactly what I will do if he goes to far. I didn't want to, but I had to do it.

Blu · 02/07/2006 00:42

I think Soapbox's suggestion about the police's domestic violence unit is a good one.

Blu · 02/07/2006 00:44

Don't ring 999, you can ring the number of your local police service in the phone book. They will ask what it is abut, and you can tell them you wnat the domestic violence unit. there may even be a direct line ofr th domestic violnec unit. the phoine book usually has some pages with emergency contact numbers in it - is it in there?

rickman · 02/07/2006 00:47

Message withdrawn