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Ok, I am going to need your help with this one....... any advice or experience would be welcomed.

310 replies

NamedAfterCbeebies · 29/06/2006 18:12

I have had to change my name incase this does go the way that I think it might well do and I dont want anything that I say on here to be dragged up at a later date.

I am hoping that you will all know who I am but please do not use my other name (which I will keep for other threads) and do not refer to anything that could give me away to anyone that could be reading this and shouldnt be iykwim.

It has been 3 weeks since H moved out, and we have tried to keep it very nice and friendly. But I think I have been very guliable and to trusting. We agreed that H would have the children on his days off (he works 4 days on and 4 days off) I thought that this arrangement was more than fair and that it was also the least painful solution.

H has been telling me over and over that he wants to work things out and that he will continue to provide for us all etc, which is why, although I went to the CAB I havent put the whells in motion with regards to CSA and IS.

Anyhow, H booked some time off work. He has had the boys since Thursday, which is coming up to a week. Obviously more than his 4 days.... But, on questioning him about it he replied "Well you said when Im not working they will be with me..." which I did, but I didnt specify about holidays etc. I thought that it was fine, he could have them for longer, they are his children too.

Anyhow, My mil has decorated a bedroom for them, I havent seen them for more than half an hour every other day for a few days now. H has stopped bringing them round, Mil keeps putting the phone down on me..... H ame round today alone to talk and has admitted that they want to keep the boys with them. His mom is mainly pushing for it. H has said that he wants whats best for the children - ie, living with me as his work shifts mean it would be impossible to care for them full time... but that his mother would be able to help with childcare.

I dont think he is able to stand up to his mother on this, and deep down I dont think he wants too. He enjoys having his children with him.

As they are in his care atm, I cant just go round and demand them back, he has as many rights as me. I keep suggesting that he brings them over here but he finds ways around it - suggests trips out etc. He wants to keep them 'staying with him' as if they were in my house then I could just say that they wernt leaving again.

I have been so stupid trying to keep things nice. He has changed the last week, stopped trying to win me back, stopped calling etc, basically backed off. I think his mother and him have decided between them that they want residency of the children.

What can I do? They are with him atm and what if he decides to keep it that way? This is not something I ever considered he would think of doing, and I know its mainly down to mil.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Thank you.

OP posts:
jellyjelly · 29/06/2006 18:19

I would apply for residency or custody and go and see a solicitor. Ring a few up and see if they will take legal aid which they should do if you claim ctc or wtc.

Good luck it sounds like you need to stop being nice as they seem to want the kids.

Loobie · 29/06/2006 18:21

Oh dear i think this may be turning into a situation,do you drive/have access to a car that you could just drive over to where the kids are and say ok guys mummys come to collect you both to come home?Not sure what else to suggest to be honest i would be freaking out big style at this point.Would you consider contacting the police as technically the kids shoudl be back with you in terms of your contact arrangements?You say he has as much rights as you so maybe they wont do anything but thats where i would be going immediately.Once you do get them back i would point blank refuse to let him have them again unsupervised,get some sort of official contact set up by solicitors but again this would have to be supervised for me!
Whether its to do with him or mil is regardless at he moment,i would say yopu main priority is getting them back in your home ASAP,hoep all works out ok!

LucyJones · 29/06/2006 18:23

I'm no expert but it really sounds like you need to seek legal advice. Are you planning on divorcing him?

NamedAfterCbeebies · 29/06/2006 18:29

As far as I know, the police could not take the children from H to give to me as he is there father, on birth certificate, married etc. Also if I went round there, I could not make them hand the boys over, also wouldnt want to upset them.

He is a good father and I know the children are in safe hands but they are also my children and they should be in thier own homes in their familiar beds etc.

I havent actually demanded that he brings them home, I am only going on instinct and I really dont think im wrong, when they have been over, more and more of thier stuff is slowly being taken away.

I am cautious of demanding for their return, I would rather 'play along' with him until I can get them back here and legal upper hand is back with me. If I make him defensive he will withdraw totally and it will get nasty. I would rather subtley and quietly move to getting them home than make him do stupid things iyswim.

My best friend gave me some good advice, 'hope for peace, plan for war.'

I am really angry with him and his bloody mother, but a knee jerk reaction will get me no where. Once they are home with me, then I will start the official stuff, as it is very unlikely they would be removed from my care whilst it is all being sorted.... but that will work the other way too, I doubt they would be removed from his care whilst it was being sorted if I start all the legal stuff now.

OP posts:
saadia · 29/06/2006 18:45

I don't know what advice to give as I'm not sure of the legal ins and outs of anything you do but, just wanted to say his mother is really out of order . This should be dealth with between you and your dh. The main thing is to get the children back as quickly as possible.

Do you think maybe he hasn't taken as much holiday as he has said and the MIL is looking after them? He can't take hols indefinitely and surely once he returns to work they should come back to you. Also, they must be asking about you and wanting to see you (sorry don't want to upset you).

I would think that as you say starting anything legal now might backfire, but it might be worth just getting advice either from a solicitor or CAB. Good luck.

LucyJones · 29/06/2006 18:47

How many children do you have and how old are they? Are they being taken to school if they are school age? Do you even know when you are getting them back?

NamedAfterCbeebies · 29/06/2006 18:50

H is off work until the 12th of July.

The boys are 4 and 2. The eldest goes to nursery in the afternoons and the little one stays at home.

The nursery are aware of the split and they also know that both parents are able to pick them up. He has been to nursery this week as on the occassions when I have seen him hes been in uniform.

Our arrangent as always been informal and no, I have no idea when they will be back.

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 29/06/2006 18:54

I would get legal advice. Really. Clearly you need a more formal access arrangement than you have now, as you and H are interpreting this in different ways. Once you have a more formal arrangement, your boys will come home.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

nellie245 · 29/06/2006 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kathlean · 29/06/2006 18:58

You poor thing what a dreadful position.

Say tomorrow you want to take them out for lunch/tea after nursery or to the park as you haven't spent much time with them (with H) and don't take them back to hers. If he is that weak hopefully he wont argue with you either. Maybe even play it that you are considering taking him back.

The longer you leave them there the more it looks like they are OK settling and happy the harder it is going to be for you and them.

Then I would refuse to let them go back to her house until you have something in writing with him and a solicitor unless you want a really nasty war and maybe to lose your children to this witch.

littlerach · 29/06/2006 19:07

I agree with Kathlean.

Nasty situation for you to be in.

Hope you get soem answers soon. I think this needs to be sorted out with some kind of legal access type thing.

Kathlean · 29/06/2006 19:12

I think you going to have to stop being so nice to him and his mother you are not going to win any friends though being so.

Just do it subtly (spelling??) until you get those children back in your house and then go for the kill.

mistressmiggins · 29/06/2006 19:57

I have to agree with Kathlean

you need to get them back and then see a solicitor & take it from there...or at least tell H that you need a formal agreement

you cant not know when they are coming home?
Its possible that the longer you leave it, the more it will seem that residency is with H OR (I hope not) that they will accuse you of abandoning your children

I think the suggestion of meeting up for lunch & taking them home is a good one. Sounds like your H wont make a fuss.
I would also suggest that once home, you tell nurs3ery that only you can pick them up.

however much I know my H wouldnt take them, Im afraid I have told my nurstery that only my mum & I can pick them up

divorce does funny things to people

Greensleeves · 29/06/2006 20:00

Oh no . You poor thing, how worrying. You MIL sounds like a manipulative old witch.

I haven't got any advice better than others have already given, but I second it - you need to get some legal advice.

Pruni · 29/06/2006 20:13

Message withdrawn

chipkid · 29/06/2006 20:14

get them back asap. Go see a solicitor now and prepare to obtain an interim residence order when they are back in your care.

In the long run no Court is going to sanction your boys being cared for by their MIL when they have a perfectly good mother at home. However you need to be prepared for the interim period.

please see a solicitor asap

LucyJones · 29/06/2006 20:17

how did you get on with MIL before the split? Is there a FIL in the picture who might be more reasonable? What have you sorted out moneywise? is he paying you for their keep and has he stopped paying since he's got them at the moment? So sorry you're going through this... I can't imagine what it must feel like not to know when you will next see them...

mistressmiggins · 29/06/2006 20:22

just re-read it - you cant leave them with him til 12th July purely cos you dont know what they are thinking

I know it sounds awful & Im sure your H isnt thinking along these lines, but if you are fearful that he may try for residency, you should get them back

saadia · 29/06/2006 20:37

Pruni, NACbb said that the elder one goes to nursery while the younger one stays at home so picking up from nursery isn't a solution - but that thought crossed my mind too.

Bibliophile · 29/06/2006 20:40

Don't leave this. Get them home however you have to do it. Tell them you have arranged a family party, make up a dr's appointment, say you have to take them to a birthday party...whatever. At the same time, see a solicitor. If you don't want to lose your children, take this seriously.

Pruni · 30/06/2006 08:11

Message withdrawn

LucyJones · 30/06/2006 13:13

Hope you are okay smile]


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singledadofthree · 30/06/2006 14:41

suggest you get legal advice asap, the longer it goes on the more of a case they have against you. also agree - get round there with a witness and politely tell them youve come to take them home.
your mil has a far better legal mind than you and has already done her homework. and youve no idea how much they already know about the last few months.
forget about financial support from h. get onto benefits people and get a claim sorted for you and kids. you need the house and the mortgage has to be paid.
worst case scenario is kids stay with h. he can provide for them and afford a childminder. you loose them, are left with half of house debt as neither of you will want/afford it. will have to pay h maintenance and will be stuck in a bedsit on the dole.
you have been warned honey,,,,get your skates on and as before - stop messing around!!!

singledadofthree · 30/06/2006 14:50

and as for experience - have an ex who would have much sterner words with you

fattiemumma · 30/06/2006 15:00

ok. im sorry to sound panicy..i have only read the Op and am quite worried.
is your H taking them to school at the moment? if so ring the school during the day and say that "oops the children have a dentists appointment today and i compeltly forgot about it. i need to clooect them after lunch" and go get them. get a cab/walk/ run whatever but get them back in YOUR custody.

whilst he has them he has more right over them than you basicly. if you move to get residency he can argue that you gave the kids to him as you couldnt cope/werent god enough...anything basicly.

i know it is hard to beleive the man you love/ed could possibly behave like this but it sounds as though he has already been looking into this and is doing his best to keep the children in his custody. as you were married he has parental rights of the children and as such legaly he has 50/50 custody of them...until you leave him with them. then it turns into more like 70/30.

first things first....getthe kids. then GET SOME LEGAL ADVICE QUICK!

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