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Ok, I am going to need your help with this one....... any advice or experience would be welcomed.

310 replies

NamedAfterCbeebies · 29/06/2006 18:12

I have had to change my name incase this does go the way that I think it might well do and I dont want anything that I say on here to be dragged up at a later date.

I am hoping that you will all know who I am but please do not use my other name (which I will keep for other threads) and do not refer to anything that could give me away to anyone that could be reading this and shouldnt be iykwim.

It has been 3 weeks since H moved out, and we have tried to keep it very nice and friendly. But I think I have been very guliable and to trusting. We agreed that H would have the children on his days off (he works 4 days on and 4 days off) I thought that this arrangement was more than fair and that it was also the least painful solution.

H has been telling me over and over that he wants to work things out and that he will continue to provide for us all etc, which is why, although I went to the CAB I havent put the whells in motion with regards to CSA and IS.

Anyhow, H booked some time off work. He has had the boys since Thursday, which is coming up to a week. Obviously more than his 4 days.... But, on questioning him about it he replied "Well you said when Im not working they will be with me..." which I did, but I didnt specify about holidays etc. I thought that it was fine, he could have them for longer, they are his children too.

Anyhow, My mil has decorated a bedroom for them, I havent seen them for more than half an hour every other day for a few days now. H has stopped bringing them round, Mil keeps putting the phone down on me..... H ame round today alone to talk and has admitted that they want to keep the boys with them. His mom is mainly pushing for it. H has said that he wants whats best for the children - ie, living with me as his work shifts mean it would be impossible to care for them full time... but that his mother would be able to help with childcare.

I dont think he is able to stand up to his mother on this, and deep down I dont think he wants too. He enjoys having his children with him.

As they are in his care atm, I cant just go round and demand them back, he has as many rights as me. I keep suggesting that he brings them over here but he finds ways around it - suggests trips out etc. He wants to keep them 'staying with him' as if they were in my house then I could just say that they wernt leaving again.

I have been so stupid trying to keep things nice. He has changed the last week, stopped trying to win me back, stopped calling etc, basically backed off. I think his mother and him have decided between them that they want residency of the children.

What can I do? They are with him atm and what if he decides to keep it that way? This is not something I ever considered he would think of doing, and I know its mainly down to mil.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Thank you.

OP posts:
dinosaure · 30/06/2006 15:01

Have you been their main carer until now?

Basically when it comes to assessing what is in the best interest of the children, the principle is I think that the courts, family mediators etc would look to continue with things the way that they were pre-split as far as possible unless there is some very good reason to do otherwise.

This means that if the children were living with you in teh family home and you were their SAHP while DH went out to work, then you are likely to end up with either you being the resident parent and him having contact, or possibly some sort of shared parenting with you each having the children for a certain no of days a week, but I think that would only be if the two of you were able to co-operate about it.

however I am not a family lawyer and I do think you need to get advice from a specialist family lawyer as soon as possible - like this afternoon. I would be concerned that the longer he has them, the weaker your position might become.

Caligula · 30/06/2006 15:04

OK if it were me, I'd go and get the kids straight away.

Everything else can wait.

singledadofthree · 30/06/2006 15:07

my thoughts exactly - she's on here now, on other threads , under another name. maybe the single life appeals. my ex was the same but soon regretted it - as did i.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/06/2006 15:09

Going by the ages of your boys, I'd go round, they will surely be missing you. And once there take them for a walk...right back to your house. Take a friend with you or two friends one with a car.

bluejelly · 30/06/2006 15:10

Tell him you miss them and he has had them for ages and you want them back.
Then go round and pick them up.
Then get legal advice.

It may not be anything to worry about, don't panic, but worth checking anyway.

Good luck

NamedAfterCbeebies · 30/06/2006 15:12

Yes, I am online now, under my old name as I dont want the two linked as I said in my first post. And as I am not alone atm, I cant sit and go through all this. I appreciate the replies and I will read through them when I have time to do so with out my H wandering in and out collecting his stuff etc.

SO I am sorry that you are pissed of with me SDO3 for not running round shouting and screaming and for not answering in great lengh the comments on this thread. I will come back to this and type my thoughts down like I said, when H isnt looking over my shoulder every few minutes.

Kids with Mil atm am hoping to use the time he is here to talk. Will update.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 30/06/2006 15:14

I think they will be linked though..I would be a lot more circumspect about your posts tbh..

hope it works out for you

eefs · 30/06/2006 15:14

agree - the longer he has them, the weaker your position is.

NamedAfterCbeebies · 30/06/2006 15:15

Its ok that they are linked by mnners

I just dont want anyone who might search on my name coming up with this thread iykwim.

OP posts:
LucyJones · 30/06/2006 15:17

I don't think I'm following this very well. You seem remarkably calm considering the number of days you might not see your kids.... are you getting back together? Is that why you're not being more pro-active? Really hope everything works out - I guess what's written down here isn't the full story so it's hard to offer advice

singledadofthree · 30/06/2006 15:17

yes i get pissed off - i work with/help people who get in far worse situations than yours.
my ex was told by the court appointed welfare officer that she was imature and had a lot of growing up to do. she then effectively gave me the children. it hurt like hell, the woman i loved, and it still does telling you now.
i only have your interests at heart - i mean no offence.

dinosaure · 30/06/2006 15:18

please take care and don't let yourself be out-manoeuvred by him and MIL

Mascaraohara · 30/06/2006 15:20

You really need to
A) get them back somehow
B) get some legal advice very quickly

as others have said, the longer he has them the stronger his case in so many ways!

I would be busting down the door if I were you I'm afraid and telling MIL in no uncertain terms what I thought of her.

zippitippitoes · 30/06/2006 15:21

but isn't your other thread a bit susceptible to misinterpretation..how do you know that your h or mil don't follow mn?

NamedAfterCbeebies · 30/06/2006 15:21

I have arranged with H that we are going out as a family to the carnival tommorrow, so I will be with the kids. (Also mil will be there as she runs a stall though....) and afterwards we are coming back here so H can open his bday pressies from the kids. On the evening I have asked him if he would like to go out ( so we can talk) and my brother will babysit at mine. That way, they are back in my house. Then he will go back to his moms after we've been out and I will be left with the kids.... and plan on keeping them.

Hes agreed to all this (apart from the keeping them part cause I havent mentioned it to him - he thinks he will be picking them up sunday lunch time) I just hope he doesnt change his mind, or that his mother doesnt point out that i might be planning to do this iykwim.

Have also been trying to phone the CAB (got appoint for next week) IS (engaged grrr)

OP posts:
LucyJones · 30/06/2006 15:23

That all sounds very positive. So there is a good chance you might get back together?

saadia · 30/06/2006 15:25

Gosh I really hope it works out how you've planned, will be thinking of you.

NamedAfterCbeebies · 30/06/2006 15:27

I have no choice but to be calm His family is very close knit and his mother has alot of influence in our area. I am angry and I am scared but at the same time I know that if i give any indication of not being happy and of wanting to change things before being prepared - changing locks etc, I have no chance. I have to have things organised properly, because I know that if i put myself against them i will lose. I have no one. They all have each other.

My other thread Zippi, is a light hearted jokey one where I can ease the tension I am feeling atm. I have alot on my plate and if I dont distract myself I will fall apart.

OP posts:
dinosaure · 30/06/2006 15:28

This is very scary for you .

Have you been a SAHP up until now?

NamedAfterCbeebies · 30/06/2006 15:28

Well our aim was to get back together eventually but I dont know how I feel about that now that I know he can be so underhand iykwim. But if playing along to the getting back together and working it out thing goes in my favour then thats what i'll do. At least until I have my boys at home with me and everything in place for keeping them.

OP posts:
NamedAfterCbeebies · 30/06/2006 15:29

Yup, I am a SAHM. It is so so sad and strange having an empty, silent house.

OP posts:
LucyJones · 30/06/2006 15:30

For those of us who have no idea who you are how long have you been separated and are you thinking of getting back together?

fuzzywuzzy · 30/06/2006 15:32

This does sound terifying to be honest, I think you're doing really well using your head.... Tbh I would refuse utterly to allow him unsupervised access after this little stunt.
And who does mil think she is, they are your children, she had her turn....

UCM · 30/06/2006 15:33

Your MIL may already be applying for residency whilst they are staying initially.

Please please listen. Get them back. Tomorrow.

And whatever you do, don't let them go back. Refuse. It may seem hard, harsh etc but you will never forgive yourself if these people get custody.

And obviously get a solicitor. Get the Yellow pages and phone one up until you find one who will help you. I am sure they dont' charge for the first half hour. As you may be going onto benefits, you will be entitled to legal advice. Even without benefits and no wage I think you are entitled to it.

dinosaure · 30/06/2006 15:33

It must be devastating. But if you've been a SAHM up until now, your position is a lot stronger. Just get the darn kids back tomorrow at all costs, please.

Thinking of you
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