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Ok, I am going to need your help with this one....... any advice or experience would be welcomed.

310 replies

NamedAfterCbeebies · 29/06/2006 18:12

I have had to change my name incase this does go the way that I think it might well do and I dont want anything that I say on here to be dragged up at a later date.

I am hoping that you will all know who I am but please do not use my other name (which I will keep for other threads) and do not refer to anything that could give me away to anyone that could be reading this and shouldnt be iykwim.

It has been 3 weeks since H moved out, and we have tried to keep it very nice and friendly. But I think I have been very guliable and to trusting. We agreed that H would have the children on his days off (he works 4 days on and 4 days off) I thought that this arrangement was more than fair and that it was also the least painful solution.

H has been telling me over and over that he wants to work things out and that he will continue to provide for us all etc, which is why, although I went to the CAB I havent put the whells in motion with regards to CSA and IS.

Anyhow, H booked some time off work. He has had the boys since Thursday, which is coming up to a week. Obviously more than his 4 days.... But, on questioning him about it he replied "Well you said when Im not working they will be with me..." which I did, but I didnt specify about holidays etc. I thought that it was fine, he could have them for longer, they are his children too.

Anyhow, My mil has decorated a bedroom for them, I havent seen them for more than half an hour every other day for a few days now. H has stopped bringing them round, Mil keeps putting the phone down on me..... H ame round today alone to talk and has admitted that they want to keep the boys with them. His mom is mainly pushing for it. H has said that he wants whats best for the children - ie, living with me as his work shifts mean it would be impossible to care for them full time... but that his mother would be able to help with childcare.

I dont think he is able to stand up to his mother on this, and deep down I dont think he wants too. He enjoys having his children with him.

As they are in his care atm, I cant just go round and demand them back, he has as many rights as me. I keep suggesting that he brings them over here but he finds ways around it - suggests trips out etc. He wants to keep them 'staying with him' as if they were in my house then I could just say that they wernt leaving again.

I have been so stupid trying to keep things nice. He has changed the last week, stopped trying to win me back, stopped calling etc, basically backed off. I think his mother and him have decided between them that they want residency of the children.

What can I do? They are with him atm and what if he decides to keep it that way? This is not something I ever considered he would think of doing, and I know its mainly down to mil.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Thank you.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 05/07/2006 16:06

NAC how are things going? Are you all ok?

mummyhill · 06/07/2006 20:49

Did you get out to your appointment today? Hope everything is ok.

hunkermunker · 06/07/2006 21:11

How are things today?

rickman · 07/07/2006 17:20

Message withdrawn

rickman · 08/07/2006 22:00

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rickman · 09/07/2006 00:30

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singledadofthree · 09/07/2006 00:33

oh rickman - shes doing ok dont worry yerself

rickman · 09/07/2006 00:34

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nursetigger6 · 09/07/2006 00:36

she's not the only one worrying, any positive news to tell us?

LittleCarlos · 09/07/2006 00:36

Sorry, dont mean to be rude

Will update fully yommorrow xxx

fattiemumma · 09/07/2006 01:00

hope things went ok at the solicitors.

you need to contact womens AID right away though. please dont become complaicent (sp)just because things eem to have calmed down. he is not going to take this lying down. if you call them they can arrange for your olocks to be changed and will be able to give you some advice.

i would say not to allow insupervised contact between the kids and H until you hav somehting legal organised, take copious amounts of notes about every conversation you have with him and write down EVERYTHING that happens.
i know this all seems sureal but you need to have your head screwed on into cyber bitch mode right now because his mother has had hers on right from the begining.

i know your feeling very alone right now and it must be horrible hearing your children say those thinsg to you but you must remember that they are only behaving the way he wants them to.
try not to get emotional in front of them or ask them leading questions like that...i wouldnt put it past MIL to have those convo's taped.

hopefully the solicitor you saw on thursday has given you some advice...i am hoping you told him about the other incidents you have shared here as they will very much go in your favour.

PLEASE DO NOT mention those pictures to your H. you need to be as tight handed as you can about anything thjat may help you as if he knows whats coming he can start to defend it. keep your cards close to your chest, play happy families as much as you can and lul him into a false sense of security...if he knows your planning anything he may become more underhanded.

im sorry if am making it sound too sacrey but i really do think you need to take this incredibly seriouse. every action you take right now will be used to decided what happens to your children, make one wrong move and you will be lucky to see them on a weekend every fortnight!

please please please do not let hm into the house again and DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO TAKE THE CHIDLREN AGAIN!

HappyMumof2 · 09/07/2006 09:38

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zippitippitoes · 09/07/2006 22:09 are things..lots of people were anxious for you?

rickman · 10/07/2006 22:32

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Fluffybubble · 10/07/2006 22:37

Is she on any other threads??? Am relatively new to this and don't know how you would know...

Difficult to know whether no news is good news...If children are back maybe that is good news as far as she is concerned, even if he comes as part of the package for the time being at least?? It might be difficult to say this on here given the strength of feeling against her ex... (am only guessing...).

NamedAfterCbeebies · 10/07/2006 22:40

Things arnt really back to normal although they have improved quite a bit. H stayed over for one night and then went back to his moms, hes not back living here.

We spent alot of time talking that night and sorted alot of things out. He was worried about losing the kids and his instinct was to keep them with him. I told him I had no intention of taking his children away from him and that we would be able to work something out. I told him that I was scared of the same thing and that the way he was acting was pushing me into making desicions that wernt really in anyones best intrests.

The boys will be back here on the 14th (Friday) and are still sleeping over with H but are at mine every afternoon. Im happy with the arrangment as I dont want him to miss out on time with the kids and we are also getting to spend afternoons and evenings together as a family which is good for the boys.

I didnt see a soliciter as I think we have managed to work things out. After the 14th, i will have them for 4 days whilst he is at work and he will have them on his 4 days off. Which was what we origionally agreed until he felt backed into a corner, but hopefully we have over come that.

Have heard nothing more from mil, which is a relief.

I have a new lock for the front door which takes minutes to put on, just incase.

I havent updated this thread before now as I really dont think anyone will approve of my choices but it wasnt fair of me to do that as I am very greatful for all your advice and support.

OP posts:
Fluffybubble · 10/07/2006 22:55

Ultimately, it is your life and therefore your decision.... you are the one that has to live with it...

It sounds like you have really been through an awful time. Maybe letting the dust settle is all you can do for the time being... Having said that (sorry!), it might not do any harm to have a chat with a solicitor, just in case mil does come back on the scene. Also, although this arrangement has been agreed between the two of you it is not binding..if he decides not to return the children for any reason you may be back to square one .

I really hope that it works out for you.

rickman · 10/07/2006 23:05

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Creole · 11/07/2006 08:26


I'm happy for you that all seems fine and you two have come to a suitable arrangement. However, it would be wise to get what you've decided on paper so everybody (including the inlaws) know where they stand legally.

Best of luck

HappyMumof2 · 11/07/2006 08:28

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Twiglett · 11/07/2006 08:37

I think you're mad too ... sorry

Twiglett · 11/07/2006 08:41

reposting custy's excellent advice

this is fucking crazy, they are your kids. why do you keep talking to him. he is living with his mother. a close knit family who think you are a cunt. all of them egging him on to get the kids.

now no kid is going to say " i dont love you mummy" unless you take chocolate away - they dont sayit in a phone call.

i am seriously concerned your kids are getting headfucked by your partners family - and you are letting it happen.

its very very very simple.

you see a solicitor and refuse access until things are sorted legally.

i am guessing with his shift work and the monotomy of home life that he didn't have half as much time with the kids - as the attention they are getting from daddy now - how fabulous is that?

so when it calms down and supposing he got residency - how long will it be before MIL is really bringing up your kids - before he needs to go to work and settle back into that life - go out with his friends - get laid - god kids get in the way of that kind of thing. then it will be like it was before with the kids - see dad now and again - he knows kids are there will spend time with them ....whenever - instead of this maniacle must spend time all the time with them thing thats going on.

seriously - at the moment you are vulnerable and this is understandable. you are isolated and this is unhelpful. your life has been turned upside down - and the people you usually turned to for help are now unavailable.

you cannot - lean on him. you cannot depend on him or expect things from him. right now from this very second start being the woman you can be.
change the fucking locks - pay the extortionate fee and get them changed. do it - how the hell is he still allowed to walk in and out of the house.

so let me see - he can see you whenever he feels like it - on his terms he can come round - you cant do the same
he phones you - you answer
you phone him - the MIL is prize fucker
so at the moment this manboy is getting all the attention from his family - and do you really think he is being fair to you?

i think not - wake up smell the coffee for gods sake - he is probably calloing you allsorts - he is not going to say " oh yeah she ucked me out - i was a prize twat i was" to his family and extended family and friends - is he?

it will be your fault
they are his family
they will believe him
she is his mother - how dyou expect her to react.

so he tells her your a cunt - you have been a cunt for years - his life has been a misery - then you phone up " oh can i speak to him please "
"no fuck off"

even if she was a cow before - its an understandable reaction - shes his mother of course shes going to act like this

change the locks
dont give him access to you and the house whenever he feels like it
put his stuff out on the street - tell him to collect it
be assertive - oh he likes that your arse over tit at the moment - when you get backbone an he thinks " holy shit tables have turned - she can do it without me" watch him want to come home

change locks
no access to kids till legal decree
get legal advice asap
if needs be go to benefits advice and see what your entitled to
and for fucks sake screw him over for any money he has - at the mo - hes having his cake and eating it love
lapping up the "poor old me and cunt of ex " to his family - all with the pity - and the battle cries of getting the children.

get some backbone and stop letting them mess with your childrens heads - they wont know where they are up to and its not fair - they probably hear bad things about you every single fucking day

now move your arse do what you can right now to stop this situation from happening
change locks
get caller id on phone and dont pick up if its him
change mobile number
change internet passwords
change bank details
change doctors details
change dentist details

change - face the fact that you need to stand on your own two feet and you dont need him as your crutch.

shoppingsecret · 11/07/2006 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes · 11/07/2006 09:05

I can see your point of view cbeebies

I had a very bitter break up, but found solicitors on both sides made things we we both ditched them (saved a lot of money)

We put the children first (me last)and had a shared residence arrangement between ourselves. Exh stayed in the house.

It can be done. 7 years on we are not friends but we speak occasionally over matters regarding the children where we tend to agree. But then we were together 23 years.

Good Luck

zippitippitoes · 11/07/2006 09:08

Perhaps what you need is professional mediation which is not adversarial.

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