Ok, I am going to need your help with this one....... any advice or experience would be welcomed.

[NamedAfterCbeebies]

I have had to change my name incase this does go the way that I think it might well do and I dont want anything that I say on here to be dragged up at a later date.

I am hoping that you will all know who I am but please do not use my other name (which I will keep for other threads) and do not refer to anything that could give me away to anyone that could be reading this and shouldnt be iykwim.

It has been 3 weeks since H moved out, and we have tried to keep it very nice and friendly. But I think I have been very guliable and to trusting. We agreed that H would have the children on his days off (he works 4 days on and 4 days off) I thought that this arrangement was more than fair and that it was also the least painful solution.

H has been telling me over and over that he wants to work things out and that he will continue to provide for us all etc, which is why, although I went to the CAB I havent put the whells in motion with regards to CSA and IS.

Anyhow, H booked some time off work. He has had the boys since Thursday, which is coming up to a week. Obviously more than his 4 days.... But, on questioning him about it he replied "Well you said when Im not working they will be with me..." which I did, but I didnt specify about holidays etc. I thought that it was fine, he could have them for longer, they are his children too.

Anyhow, My mil has decorated a bedroom for them, I havent seen them for more than half an hour every other day for a few days now. H has stopped bringing them round, Mil keeps putting the phone down on me..... H ame round today alone to talk and has admitted that they want to keep the boys with them. His mom is mainly pushing for it. H has said that he wants whats best for the children - ie, living with me as his work shifts mean it would be impossible to care for them full time... but that his mother would be able to help with childcare.

I dont think he is able to stand up to his mother on this, and deep down I dont think he wants too. He enjoys having his children with him.

As they are in his care atm, I cant just go round and demand them back, he has as many rights as me. I keep suggesting that he brings them over here but he finds ways around it - suggests trips out etc. He wants to keep them 'staying with him' as if they were in my house then I could just say that they wernt leaving again.

I have been so stupid trying to keep things nice. He has changed the last week, stopped trying to win me back, stopped calling etc, basically backed off. I think his mother and him have decided between them that they want residency of the children.

What can I do? They are with him atm and what if he decides to keep it that way? This is not something I ever considered he would think of doing, and I know its mainly down to mil.

Any advice greatfully recieved. Thank you.

Solicitor will give you best advice about how to proceed regarding content to photographs. I had previously reported something that had happened between me and xp as an 'incident' and not something that I wanted persued at the time and I am so glad I did that. It proved very useful in the long run. I just wanted the reassurance that if they ever got a call from or about my address they would come out straight away.
Stay calm if you can, everything they are doing at the momment is adding weight to your case.

this is fucking crazy, they are your kids. why do you keep talking to him. he is living with his mother. a close knit family who think you are a cunt. all of them egging him on to get the kids.

now no kid is going to say " i dont love you mummy" unless you take chocolate away - they dont sayit in a phone call.

i am seriously concerned your kids are getting headfucked by your partners family - and you are letting it happen.

its very very very simple.

you see a solicitor and refuse access until things are sorted legally.

i am guessing with his shift work and the monotomy of home life that he didn't have half as much time with the kids - as the attention they are getting from daddy now - how fabulous is that?

so when it calms down and supposing he got residency - how long will it be before MIL is really bringing up your kids - before he needs to go to work and settle back into that life - go out with his friends - get laid - god kids get in the way of that kind of thing. then it will be like it was before with the kids - see dad now and again - he knows kids are there will spend time with them ....whenever - instead of this maniacle must spend time all the time with them thing thats going on.

seriously - at the moment you are vulnerable and this is understandable. you are isolated and this is unhelpful. your life has been turned upside down - and the people you usually turned to for help are now unavailable.

you cannot - lean on him. you cannot depend on him or expect things from him. right now from this very second start being the woman you can be.
change the fucking locks - pay the extortionate fee and get them changed. do it - how the hell is he still allowed to walk in and out of the house.

so let me see - he can see you whenever he feels like it - on his terms he can come round - you cant do the same
he phones you - you answer
you phone him - the MIL is prize fucker
so at the moment this manboy is getting all the attention from his family - and do you really think he is being fair to you?

i think not - wake up smell the coffee for gods sake - he is probably calloing you allsorts - he is not going to say " oh yeah she ucked me out - i was a prize twat i was" to his family and extended family and friends - is he?

it will be your fault
they are his family
they will believe him
she is his mother - how dyou expect her to react.

so he tells her your a cunt - you have been a cunt for years - his life has been a misery - then you phone up " oh can i speak to him please "
"no fuck off"

even if she was a cow before - its an understandable reaction - shes his mother of course shes going to act like this

change the locks
dont give him access to you and the house whenever he feels like it
put his stuff out on the street - tell him to collect it
be assertive - oh he likes that your arse over tit at the moment - when you get backbone an he thinks " holy shit tables have turned - she can do it without me" watch him want to come home

change locks
no access to kids till legal decree
get legal advice asap
if needs be go to benefits advice and see what your entitled to
and for fucks sake screw him over for any money he has - at the mo - hes having his cake and eating it love
lapping up the "poor old me and cunt of ex " to his family - all with the pity - and the battle cries of getting the children.

get some backbone and stop letting them mess with your childrens heads - they wont know where they are up to and its not fair - they probably hear bad things about you every single fucking day

now move your arse do what you can right now to stop this situation from happening
change locks
get caller id on phone and dont pick up if its him
change mobile number
change internet passwords
change bank details
change doctors details
change dentist details

change - face the fact that you need to stand on your own two feet and you dont need him as your crutch.

I have no advice NAC, but I am thinking of you. I hope you can contact Women's aid or the police and they can do something before Monday.
Not only are your MIL and H manipulating the kids, by only letting the kids come home if H stays too - they are manipulating you!

Thank fuck for Custy.

Excellent advice custy.

Listen to custy, she is absolutely, dead on, 100% right.

Custy has just taken you by the shoulders and shook you.
Take her advice. You CAN be strong, and you know MN will be here to help you be strong.

Yeah, Custard you gotta fight fire with fire.

Beebies, I am so sorry this has happened to you

I've been thinking about this and this is the conclusion I have come to. You need to move away - right away, to another part of the country. Otherwise, from what you say you will never be free of your MIL's influence (and if you are really unlucky she will be in a position to affect your chances of getting the residency of your kids). At the very least, she has already shown that she will do anything to keep you out of their lives and even if you get them back now, she will continue to attempt to poison their minds against you. You must move away.

I think your best bet is to keep trying to get through to Women's Aid and ask for their help in sorting this out. Tell them about your MIL's local influence as I think this could have serious consequences if you stay where she can influence people.

With regard to your kids, of course they don't hate you. Your MIL will have been spoiling them rotten, letting them do just what they like. They are so young, they are still at that age where they are so easily swayed by adults. I can just hear your MIL saying to them, "you don't want to go home to mummy do you? You are much happier here with me and daddy aren't you?" and even "I bet mummy shouts and smacks doesn't she? I won't ever do that to you" - makes no difference if you do or don't beebies - if they hear it enough times they will believe it. They are being brainwashed. They still love you - they are just being denied the ability to tell you.

This must be so confusing and overwhelming for you - please don't take this the wrong way but you are obviously not used to taking decisions and sticking to them and standing your ground - but, sadly, you must do it, even in the face of your H's and MIL's anger and your kids' tears, because in the long run your kids will thank you for doing the right thing.

Fast forward ten years - you could be without your children, your MIL will have permanently twisted their minds against you, they will be brought up her way and not yours, and will turn round to you and say "what did you ever do for us, mum? You didn't even try to fight for us when you and dad split up." I've seen it happen, unfortuntely .

You say you have no-one in RL to help you and that is a big shame - but you've got us. There's lots of strong, practical people on here who will help you make decisions, stick to them, and see you through. We care.

((((hugs)))

Beebies how are you? Have you slept at all? Did you get through to any help? What are your thoughts in all of this and what is it that you really want? I think part of the problem is that it is all very confusing for you at the moment.

When we have loved someone and realise that they are not the person we thought they were and that they behave in ways we did not think them capable of it can be very very hard to stop being the nice person we have always been. Also you have said that you may want to get back together with this man and that may be stopping you being as assertive as you probably need to be.

FYIW I would change the locks and play along until Monday when I would see a solicitor quick sharp and sort out what it is you want and how you should go about it. Your X can prevent you moving in law and the courts may view that as you being difficult no matter what he has done so you need to be very very careful. Up until now you have been incredibly reasonable and behaved impeccably if you keep that up the courts and people like cafcass will be on your side.

As for the photos I would sort that out with my solicitor and would not even attempt to bargain with this man who a) does not keep his word and b) may use the fact that you threatened him as further proof that you are a bitch! Keep weapons like that under your belt and let your solicitor sort out the details.

I really hope you are ok as this must be incredibly stressful and you must be really suffering.

have emailed you. Hope things are a bit better this morning x

Don't you think she should get the kids back under her roof before changing the locks? Getting the kids back seems to be the imperative, to me.

Message withdrawn

I agree that he shouldn't be allowed in the house, I agree that he's a fucker and so is his mother but I also think getting the children back must be the priority, everything else can wait in my view. And then I agree, cbeebies, you need to get tough. Make sure all this is documented. My email is [email protected] if there's anything practical I can do (I can pay a locksmith if you need me to over the phone). Child protection or no child protection MIL is vile and what she and your ah are trying to do is vile. But you need to be smart and calm to get what you want. I would report this incident to the police so it's on the record. I'm glad you took photos a while back but presumably you didn't report it at the time? Never mind, he's shown his true colours. Someone should keep a copy of this thread too I think.

Agree, I wouldn't threaten him atm, get the children and then use it if you need to in any legal battle. Be nice long enough to get what you want.

NCBB - don't let them take them again - def not for 2 weeks, even if u can trust your DH to bring them back just think of the damage this damn MIL will be doing ion the mean while.

agree with everything custy has said. I know it was prob harsh and not what u wanted to hear but she's spoken some v good words there.

(oh and also write everything down in a book everything you do everything he does and MIL says.)

Sorry Blu yes she should have the kids back before the locks are changed but they will be going to nursery and he or MIL can pick them up from there so beebies needs to make a plan for that.

Speak to the solicitor about it as the nursery may need a solicitors letter before they will stop him picking the kids up. My after school club would only stop my x if there was an injunction or a solicitors letter.

Keep a contact diary and write down the things he says and does.

More importantly though how are you in all of this hell?

iv been following this but not posted so far as iv no advice, but depending on where you are, my dp can change locks, and will have a day off work in the week, can we help? we are in east london, if theres anything practical i can do, my emails gerri smith at hotmail. com

Make sure that you tell the staff at your DS's nursery that he is not to be picked up by ANYONE other than yourself.

Just read through most of this thread and I feel very and on your behalf NAC. It is very easy to fit a bolt, you need to buy one now so that the next time your children are alone with you in the house, you fit it. Then get on the phone to the police if your H or his family threaten you.

I don't think you can stop H picking the kids up from school without a letter from a solicitor. He is their dad and the nursery can't prevent him from taking them without a legal letter.

I agree that you just need to get them back asap and then worry about the rest later.

Haven't read the whole thread so hope I'm not repeating anything.

When it comes to residency, the courts don't like to uproot children any more than absolutely necessary. So it wouldn't surprise me if your H and his mum have already taken legal advice and are trying to establish a situation where they can show that the children normally spend more of their time with them.

I would get them back and then start playing hardball. So and see a solicitor, get proper advice. Organise a proper contact schedule with him and say that he can only have them if he sticks to it.

Without blowing the OP's cover completely, I rather fear that a residency order in this case is likely to be far from clear cut - particularly if the other side play hard ball

They will present to the judge that the OP has worked in the sex trade. That she regularly sleeps in until lunchtime, leaving Dad to look after the children after working his evening/night shift. And probably countless other things which were in threads that I didn;t have the energy to read!

Sadly the evidence is here for anyone who cares to look - and print off!

I think there is a great deal at stake here - and I couldn't have put the urgency of the situation any better than Custy did really! I think if the OP does not take urgent action the there is every possibility that she may not get residency!

At the school I work in, if a parent is having troubles with an ex, they sometimes ask that the children are not to be collected by their father & we make sure that they only ever leave with their mother until we are told otherwise.
Don't know if other nurserys & schools require a solicitor letter, but it still may be worth you having a word with the staff & explaining a bit about the horrible situation you are in.
Get that legal advise as soon as possible.

NAC - been following thread. Please DO fight for your children precisely for all the reasons given. My dad tried v v hard to get custody of myself and brother and sister when we were kids and although being with our mother was best solution all round what I do remember is that he DID want us and he did all he could, albeit unsucessfully, to try. That was over 30 years ago and the fact that I still remember is testemony to how much he loved us /cared.