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Lone parents

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Original poster

Staggered that school let my ex pick up daughter an hour early from school without contacting me until she had left the building.

205 replies

chocolatespiders · 09/03/2012 18:02

Been split for year and have a contact agreement reached through mediation..
He has dd every other weekend (although isnt having her next weekend as he is going away)

Anyway few weeks ago ex goes into school with our contact agreement tells the school he is picking dd up early, goes back an hour later and takes dd sobbing out of the school. Ex is not known by the school as he has never been in there and has never attended parents evening so they don't know him although he is an emergency contact on dd's forms.

Head spoke to dd on her own and dd told her that yes she does see her dad regularly but that I was picking her up that day. She was then carried out if the school crying.

I cant believe that the school didn't think to give me a quick call to check this out.

School said well he had a contact order with him- but this does not give clear indication of who has dd on which dates.

I realise that ex put the school into a very difficult situation but I am still shocked at this and think about it every day when walking to pick dd up. Not nice for dd either who was taken out in the middle of lesson completely unexpected.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 18:39

It might be a good idea to start another thread about your situation if you want to talk about it, as it does sound complex.

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 18:52

It's really not entirely different at all. Like I said, many mumsnetters have advised that DH should do exactly what the OPs ex did in this thread. Very similar. In fact I've been accused of colluding in DSS not getting help because we haven't done this.

Floggingmolly · 10/03/2012 18:56

It is similar, allnewtaketwo. The op hasn't given the reason her ex wanted to take the child in the first place, you'd have to presume he actually did have a reason.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 19:12

OPs child is tiny. Your DHs child is 16. If course it's not the same.

The main point with this is that the school had never seen DH before. Presumably your sons school have seen your DH.

It's not the same.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 19:14

With schools AFAIK after a certain age they are allowed into the playground to find their parents, and after that they are allowed home by themselves.
If schools can tell a difference between young children and 16 year olds then I'm surprised there are people on this thread who can't TBH.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 19:36

The reasons that I think it would be a bad idea for your DH to do this are

  • You say that your DSS would be terrified
  • Counselling is an ongoing thing and after the first time it sounds like his mum would make damn sure it didn't happen again so what has been achieved
  • DSS would get bollocked by his mum and he has to live with her so that's not going to pan out well is it
  • Going about this behind her back will only serve to antagonise and that will not be pleasant for DSS
  • If he has behavioural issues then presumably the school are aware in which case your DH should be approaching them and talking about ways to work together as if school recommend counselling then mum is is more likely to go along with it and if not the school will be having words
- I don't know where you live but there must be someone who can do it at the weekend the place is littered with counsellors etc etc

What he is proposing sounds like a bad idea to me, and that it will achieve nothing. However I do believe that the situation with your 16 yo is very different to the situation with the OPs young child and so a separate thread would be better.

Floggingmolly · 10/03/2012 19:43

I don't think the op has explicitly stated how old her child is? Anymore than she's admitted the reason the child was collected by her father.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 19:45

Admitted?

Strange language.

The child was asked by headteacher how often she saw her father, is at an age where an adult has to pick up, was crying, and was carried off the premises. She's not 16, now, is she.

RedHelenB · 10/03/2012 21:26

Sardinequeen - no matter what the age of the child a father has equal rights to a mother & therefore can come & collect their child from school early for any reason!!! And they are not legally obliged to tell the other parent.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 21:31

Given that the school had never seen him before, do you really think that no questions asked is the best policy?

At our school they want a note prior to
a. early pick-up
b. late drop-off
c. anyone who has not collected before, collecting

Do you think our school has a bad policy?

RedHelenB · 11/03/2012 07:43

All primary schools have a similar policy to yours policy BUT it still wouldn't apply to a parent once it had been verified that they were the parent as in this case.

allnewtaketwo · 11/03/2012 10:11

Ok since you don't like the age 16 example sardine. When dss was at primary school teachers had noticed a health problem (will not be specific here as v recognisable). Dh was keen for dss to be seen. Ex eventually took dss to doctor and go made referral. Ex didn't want dss to see a specialist and kept cancelling appointments. The health problem was causing dss probs at school. Ex disagreed with school and go and dh and said there was no problem. Question for you-would school have been wrong if dh turned up one day to pick up dss and bring to specialist and they didn't call child's mother? It's really not always so clear cut that "mother knows best". And in this thread, we have no idea why the child's father picked the child up early

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 12:15

If a parent is not attending to the medical needs of a child then that is a matter for social services and I am surprised that the school did not contact them.

No-one on this thread has said "mother knows best" I would expect a call if a child lived with its father and a woman turned up unexpectedly waving a contact agreement and saying they were taking the child out early.

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 12:16

Also, I don't know much about contact agreements. They are legal documents I think, imposed by a court? So if one of the parents breaks that contact agreement without good reason is that legal?

allnewtaketwo · 11/03/2012 12:28

The contact agreement is to oblige the pwc to make the children available to the Nrp at minimum of the set times in the schedule

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 12:37

So the RP has to meet the contact agreement by law but the NRP does not?

So it would be illegal for the NRP to not take the child at the allocated time, but it is legal for the NRP to take the child without the RPs knowledge when it is not the allocated time?

allnewtaketwo · 11/03/2012 13:51

No, it's not illegal for the Nrp not to take the children at the allotted time

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 13:53

So what's the point of it then? I thought that if RPs didn't give access when they were supposed to they could end up in court?

allnewtaketwo · 11/03/2012 16:45

The point of it is to require the PWC to grant the NRP access to the children. So, for example, DH had to go to court because ex was refusing to allow him to see the children, for no reason whatsoever, other than she'd moved in the man she was having an affair with and it no longer suited her for DH to be part of her "new" little family. So the court order required her to allow DH to see his own children.

If a PWC persistently refuses to abide by the court order yes the NRP can bring that to court.

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 16:53

So the RP is bound by the courts
But the NRP isn't?

So the RP must give the access as agreed by law
But the NRP can eg take child out of school and have them for a few days without telling the RP and that is fine?

That can't be right surely.

allnewtaketwo · 11/03/2012 16:58

I'm not sure where or who said that it was ok for an NRP to take child for a few days without telling RP?

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 17:00

It would be legal, I mean.
They are not bound to only see the child when the order says, but can eg go and take them out of school without the RP knowing. And have them stay for a few days maybe? I don't know, I don't understand it.

allnewtaketwo · 11/03/2012 17:05

Don't actually know the answer to that one. The law in this country does appear to encourage "ownership" of children by the PWC though, so I don't imagine this would be "allowed". In the eye of the law, one parent seems to be more "equal" than another

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 17:12

It is allowed thought for an NRP to unexpectedly remove a child from school without the RPs knowledge.

That seems strange to me, I would have thought that they were both bound by the contact thingy so that the RP had to allow access when it said but the NRP wasn't allowed to initiate access at other times without the knowledge/agreement of the RP IYSWIM

SardineQueen · 11/03/2012 17:13

There have definitely been cases where fathers have taken children out of the country and gone into hiding and that has been deemed illegal so there must be a line somewhere.