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Original poster

Staggered that school let my ex pick up daughter an hour early from school without contacting me until she had left the building.

205 replies

chocolatespiders · 09/03/2012 18:02

Been split for year and have a contact agreement reached through mediation..
He has dd every other weekend (although isnt having her next weekend as he is going away)

Anyway few weeks ago ex goes into school with our contact agreement tells the school he is picking dd up early, goes back an hour later and takes dd sobbing out of the school. Ex is not known by the school as he has never been in there and has never attended parents evening so they don't know him although he is an emergency contact on dd's forms.

Head spoke to dd on her own and dd told her that yes she does see her dad regularly but that I was picking her up that day. She was then carried out if the school crying.

I cant believe that the school didn't think to give me a quick call to check this out.

School said well he had a contact order with him- but this does not give clear indication of who has dd on which dates.

I realise that ex put the school into a very difficult situation but I am still shocked at this and think about it every day when walking to pick dd up. Not nice for dd either who was taken out in the middle of lesson completely unexpected.

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 09:39

I certainly wasn't disputing the fact that it wasn't on for the father to remove the child from school without discussing it with the mother first. That was out of order unless he had very good reason to. But the OPs issue isn't with the father (on this thread anyway). It's with the school, and legally, they did nothing wrong. They let the child leave with her father, not a random man and contacted the mother to tell her. Which they did out of courtesy. They didn't need to contact her.

They could have said "we'll ring mum and check" and they couldn't have done anything to stop the father leaving with the child had mum said "I don't want him taking the child". Once again, it is not the school's responsibility.

This is between the mother and father. They need to sort it out and not blame the school. It puts schools in very difficult positions when parents involve them in their arguments and isn't fair on the child. If a parent cannot be trusted to not remove a child from school when it isn't necessary, then the other parent needs to get a Prohibited Steps Order preventing them from doing so. THEN the school could refuse to release the child to the parent.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 09:43

Agree SardineQueen - I really don't understand why people are so adamant that school should not try to contact OP.

Yes father has a contact order but the school has responsibility for that childs and childs welfare whilst there , father comes unexpectedly, school has never meet father, yes he is emergency contact but this is not an emergency, DD is upset , Mum usually picks her up, father wants to pick her up early , yes he has an official piece of paper but what is wrong in using common sense and phoning Mum within the hour that he initially comes into the school and returns to collect.

The school would never be criticised by any court , authority or judge for contacting the other parent in these circumstances.

As i said previously the welfare of the child is far more important in this situation .

Why is it so wrong to contact the other parent in view of all the above circumstances to let her know that Dad wants to pick her up and at the moment they have no reason to say no but your DD is upset is there anything we should know - if not she can go with Dad . Five minute phone call.

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 09:46

Because they couldn't have stopped him taking her. All ringing mum may have done would create a scene and upset the child even more if dad got annoyed and they tried to stop dad taking her. Is that really the school's responsibility?

The OP needs to take this up with her ex.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 09:47

Yes mother and father need to sort their arrangements out but the school has a duty of care for that child and I strongly believe that they should have investigated further in these circumstances by making a quick phone call.

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 09:48

I understand it is upsetting for mum to have to deal with this, but I think I would try and understand that dad put the school in a really horrible situation and it's not their responsibility to (potentially physically) hold the child in the school while Dad is trying to take her.

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 09:51

They phoned her.

In this instance, Dad doesn't sound that reasonable considering he went into school on a day not agreed, early so as to avoid mum, waving a court order around and took a sobbing child out as the OP has said. Do you really think the school should have had to said to him "you can't take her until we have rung mum and checked". Perhaps they said, we'll ring mum and he knew the rules and regulations and told them that he knows that legally they can't stop him.

OP I hope you get it sorted with your ex. Personally my annoyance would be with the ex, not the school.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 09:52

They wouldn't have created a scene !

Phone call is made away from child and father .

'Hello Mrs OP , your husband has just turned up at the school with his contact order requesting to take DD out early. We have never meet him but DD confirms he is her father and he is an emergency contact. You usually pick her up . he has a contact order which we have to comply with but your DD is slightly upset about it - is there anything we should know ? No ? fine. we have to allow DD to go with her father . '

Where is common sense and concern for the child ?

Avantia · 10/03/2012 09:53

The school phoned OP after father had left with child - they had sufficient time to do it before .

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 09:54

Why does it need to create a scene?

He said he was going to be removing her early and then came back an hour later for her. They had an hour to call OP.

Even if he turned up and said he wanted to take her out early - surely he would have to give a good reason as most schools want warning of children coming and going outside the normal hours - all they need to do is say yes take a seat outside the office here while we fetch her and go and make a call quickly no-one's any the wiser.

All this talk of scenes and them not being allowed to "hold her" is imagining scenarios which are like something out of eastenders when in fact the school making a quick call would be easy and fine. And in this situation they had an hour to do it.

So why are people so adamant that the call shouldn't be made?

Normally surely schools ask questions if unexpected things happen unless there is a good explanation.

baabaapinksheep · 10/03/2012 09:55

So suppose the scjoole had phoned op to say that dd's father was here to collect her, is that ok? Op says no that is not ok, what do the school do then?? They cannot stop the father leaving with dd!

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 09:55

And what if mum had said "no, I don't want her to go with him"? What should the school have done then?

How do we know they had sufficient time to ring before he left with the child? The OP hasn't said that.

baabaapinksheep · 10/03/2012 09:55

school*

Avantia · 10/03/2012 09:56

The mother wouldn't be able just to say NO - she would have to give good reason.

The school would never be criticise in this situation.

simpson · 10/03/2012 09:57

They would not have created a scene, if a scene had been created it would have been because of the child's fathers behaviour not because of the school.

Avantia - has got it right, the phone call would have been brief, quick and away from the child and father.

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 09:58

I didn't notice the "goes into school" "comes back an hour later".

In all honesty, I still don't think the school did anything wrong as they can let a child go with a father with PR. But looking once again at the OP, this happened weeks ago. Surely plenty of time to take it up with the school and ex to establish exactly why he took her out of school and be able to sort it all out.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 09:59

from OP

''Anyway few weeks ago ex goes into school with our contact agreement tells the school he is picking dd up early, goes back an hour later and takes dd sobbing out of the school. Ex is not known by the school as he has never been in there and has never attended parents evening so they don't know him although he is an emergency contact on dd's forms. ''

Goes back an hour later - I think sufficient time to make a phone call .

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 09:59

Um well at least the mother knows and does not head out to pick up DD and only find out it's a wasted journey 5 mins before picking up time.
At least the mother has the opportunity to act if he's not supposed to be doing it.
At least the mother has the opportunity to call the police / ask school to call the police if god forbid there is something not right happening.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 10:00

Regardless of when it happened the OP is gauging our take on it .

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 10:00

I never said the school would create a scene Hmm but absolutely possible dad could have.

OP have you spoken to the school and asked why they didn't contact you? And established why the ex picked DD up?

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 10:00

"Anyway few weeks ago ex goes into school with our contact agreement tells the school he is picking dd up early, goes back an hour later and takes dd sobbing out of the school. "

WHY are people so adamant that the school should not even think to make a call in these circs?
It is unexpected
They have never met him before
Child is crying

And people think that a phone call is the wrong move?

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 10:03

If there is any need for the police to be involved, should the school not be informed prior to this to stop him turning up at the school? If there was a reason the police should be involved with regards to my ex and my children, the school would be one of the first people I notify.

If the school have no reason to believe that the father cannot see their child (ie. no police involvement and mum hasn't said so) then should they really question every father's intentions? - Having the father as an emergency contact would kind of indicate the father is allowed to see his children

ChocHobNob · 10/03/2012 10:04

I don't think a phone call is a wrong move. The school did nothing technically wrong, not ringing beforehand though. They don't need her permission to release the child to their father.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 10:05

You never said who would create a scene.

''All ringing mum may have done would create a scene ''

He would have not known that they phoned Mum as he would have been there, he was returning in an hour !

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 10:06

Someone turning up out of the blue, for the first time ever, saying they are taking a child out early - yes it is possible that something funny is going on.

And that was a last, unlikely scenario chochobnob. You have ignored the other points like it would have been useful for mum to know she didn't need to go to the school. Why are you so adamant that under these circs

It is unexpected
They have never met him before
Child is crying

That a quick phone call is absolutely the wrong thing to do? I would think it was the obvious thing to do.

Like I say at our school they will not release children to people they do not recognise without a note. Irrespective of what the relationship is.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 10:08

I think some people watch too much eastenders and have little common sense.

When someone turns up early to collect a child they sit in a waiting area and office have ample opportunity to make a call. There is no need for "scenes".