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Original poster

Staggered that school let my ex pick up daughter an hour early from school without contacting me until she had left the building.

205 replies

chocolatespiders · 09/03/2012 18:02

Been split for year and have a contact agreement reached through mediation..
He has dd every other weekend (although isnt having her next weekend as he is going away)

Anyway few weeks ago ex goes into school with our contact agreement tells the school he is picking dd up early, goes back an hour later and takes dd sobbing out of the school. Ex is not known by the school as he has never been in there and has never attended parents evening so they don't know him although he is an emergency contact on dd's forms.

Head spoke to dd on her own and dd told her that yes she does see her dad regularly but that I was picking her up that day. She was then carried out if the school crying.

I cant believe that the school didn't think to give me a quick call to check this out.

School said well he had a contact order with him- but this does not give clear indication of who has dd on which dates.

I realise that ex put the school into a very difficult situation but I am still shocked at this and think about it every day when walking to pick dd up. Not nice for dd either who was taken out in the middle of lesson completely unexpected.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 10/03/2012 12:39

If school have not be told there is an issue they would have no need to. He is her father.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 12:43

I take your point about the court order but in these circumstances that the OP outlines then I would question why the mother wasn't informed earlier.

I see no reason why this could not be done and I see no reason why I wouldn't question it.

baabaapinksheep · 10/03/2012 13:24

If there was any reason why the xp could not take dd out of school then the OP should of made the school aware of the reasons. As it was there was nothing that they could of done, the xp was wrong to take dd out of school but the school could not of done anything else. Phoning the OP earlier to tell her that xp was collecting dd would have resulted in exactly the same thing, as they still would not of been able to stop him.

Boston2Step · 10/03/2012 13:30

Lol avantia you keep mentioning you are a school governor .... 'I am a school governor' lol! And?

Boston2Step · 10/03/2012 13:31

No, it's mp problem for me, I just think it's funny

Boston2Step · 10/03/2012 13:32

*no

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 14:17

The "issue" is that he had never been to the school before and turned up unannounced and unexpectedly and said he was going to remove the child from school early.

They had an hour to phone and see if that was the right arrangement and they didn't. OP is surprised as am I.

They thought it proper to check with the DD whether he was her father and whether she had contact with him - if they feel the need to do that then why not a quick phone call.

I do not understand why people think that calling the mum in that hour would have been the wrong thing to do. I really do not get it.

I am glad that our school are quite cautious about who takes the children home and that they expect notice if children are being brought in late or taken home early.

simpson · 10/03/2012 14:20

SardineQueen - I agree with you 100% I would be fuming in this situation tbh.

baabaapinksheep · 10/03/2012 14:52

I don't think anyone is saying that calling the op would be the wrong thing to do, just that it would of made little difference to the situation. The school had to let xp take dd, regardless of whether or not they phoned op.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 15:29

Boston - really no need for the quips . I have made number of posts on this thread it is not something I keep mentioning.

amdowntoearth · 10/03/2012 15:34

agree with you SardineQueen.Hes got PR so what?Why was he picking her up early and why was she crying?that was irresponsible of the school.

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 15:43

Can I ask a question please, of all those thinking school should have called OP?

I have started several threads about my DSS, whose behaviour and manner, in the opinion of some other posters, should cause my DH (NRP) to bring his DS to see a counsellor. He only has access every other weekend and counsellors we have spoken to are only available mid-week. There is no way on earth DSSs mother would allow DH to bring DSS to a counsellor. When I have stated this on posts, some posters (actually a good few) have said that this shouldn't stop DH bringing DSS mid-week to see a counsellor. I have said that this would involve DH turning up at school pre-school close and bringing him to a counsellor. DSS would be alarmed and concerned because he would be terrifed of his mother's reaction.

If the school called her on such an occasion, she would be there like a flash.

So, it is not necessarily the case that an NRP is "doing a bad thing" by collecting a child early. Nor is it necessarily a "good thing" for the school to call one parent over another in such situations. They would have (quite rightly) no idea what was the "best thing" to do in this situation. All they can surely do is to assume that a parent is responsible enough to collect a child in good faith. The ridiculous situation between DH and DSS's mother would (quite rightly) have nothing to do with the school.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 16:44

Allnewtaketwo - I am sure that your DH wouldn't just turn up unexpectedly and take child out . I would have though that he would have discussed it with school first - that would be sensible approach.

If you DH is concerned about the emotional well being of the child why doesn't he discuss it with school to get some support/ input from them ?

If the school were aware of the situation and arrangements were made "prior" ,contact orders shown then I do not see a problem with it.

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 16:54

But if he discussed it with the school they would (under the argument of those saying the RP should get a phone call) call the RP and she was say no. His contact order only applies for every other weekend, not for weekdays.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 17:02

If the contact order states weekends only then that may be a different matter and he would not be able to take child out of school , it would appear that he needs to seek legal advice on this matter and at least discuss it with the pre school . Your case is not very straight forward .

If he turned up at school like the OP ex has then the school would have every right to refuse and they would have to inform the mother as he would be in breach of the contact order.

Sounds an awful situation .

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 17:06

Btw the "child" is 16 Hmm

But it is an awful situation, yes. Unfortunately DSS's mother is very controlling of every aspect of DSS's life. One way she has found to enable her control is to become extremely "involved" with every aspect of his life, including school. DSS is so "scared" of her that DH turning up to collect him from school would make him extremely anxious. I guess this is why I can see reasons why it is sometimes a good thing for the RP not to necessarily told/asked what is/should be happening all the time. It is not necessarily the case that the parent a court grants residency to necessarily always has that child's best interests at heart all the time. Sometimes an NRP can also know what's best.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 17:23

Well he needs to see legal advice , go back to court , discuss concerns with school - secondary school usually have good counselling , pastoral care in place. .

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 17:29

The court has no jurisdiction over "access" to a 16yo though. DH has discussed concerns at school at they got right back to DSSs mother who went nuts.

Avantia · 10/03/2012 17:38

But I though you said there is a contact order, they usually don't continue when they are 16 .

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 18:18

Well there is a contact order - which yes has officially "expired" now that DSS1 is 16. Unfortunately DSS's mother's control is such that her will and ability to control DSS is much stronger than any court's in any case.

Also as far as I'm aware, from the age of about 12-13 anyway a court would expect the child to have a say in contact arrangements. But that only applies if a child is able to exercise free will in what they say and aren't terrified of upsetting the PWC.

But that is another subject entirely.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 18:19

That's a totally different situation.

FWIW I don't think that your DH should turn up unannounced and remove his son from school without the mum knowing, no. It's just the wrong way to go about things.

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 18:23

wrong for who?

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 18:30

Wrong for everyone.

Wrong for your DH
Wrong for the school
Wrong for the boy
Wrong for his mum

It's not the right way to go about things. It just isn't.

The two situations are also completely different and I don't really know why you are comparing the two.

allnewtaketwo · 10/03/2012 18:34

Well as far as I'm aware we didn't know why the OP's ex had removed the child from school without her knowledge.

Many mumsnetters have advised that my DH should be doing this, if she won't agree to DSS seeing a counsellor. So it's actually a fairly similar situation. Probably just one example of why an NRP may pick up a child from school without discussing it with the PWC.

Wrong for the boy - well that's arguable. Given that the alternative is not getting assessed by a professional at all.

SardineQueen · 10/03/2012 18:38

You seem to be bringing a totally different situation into this thread because you feel like you want an argument about it.

This thread is about a young child in school, whose father turns up (the school have never seen him before) waving a contact order and saying he is going to take her out early, which he does, she has told the head that she is supposed to be going home with mummy but is carried off school premises by daddy, crying. The question is should the school have called the mum to check that was OK in the hour they had between him telling them and coming back for her. I say yes. You say no. Based on your entirely different situation involving a 16 yo.

Your situation sounds difficult but it has little to do with this thread.