support thread for people who find it hard as LPs...

[simpson]

just wondering if this has been done before...

I have 2 Dcs (2 & 5) and am bringing them up by myself (H allowed to have phone contact only due to his fuck wittery {I love that phrase })

Sometimes its soooo hard doing it by myself

DS had parents evening today and although his comments from teachers were fab most all of the other parents were couples.

Sometimes it hits me that I have to do everything myself

What scares me? Honestly..... being alone forever, never making love again (not just sex, but love), never feeling safe in someone's arms. I had a fantastic upbringing and i'm scared my children won't have that - I'm scared that they will in turn have a broken home.

I very much believed in marriage vows, but i now know it wasn't my fault, i have nothing to regret.

I cope fine htough, day to day :) and don't be silly whoever said they cried with 'only' 1 dc at home - 1, 3, 5..... it's still hard with dc and being alone, full stop. The amount of dc just makes it busier, not harder iyswim.

Yes,when i was being assessed at the Mental Health clinic for a NHS Counsellor, the reception area was full of very tired women, with heads hung low.. the women who assessed me kept saying "Tell me about it!",and my counsellor was the same age and a mum,we ended up discussing the notion of 'dressing for our age' or not!and hair dye She did direct me to MN,was a good listener, and gave me some excellent reading matter too .. I found it heartening that i wasn't the only one,but also upsetting that we were all struggling.On a positive note though the women there,were taking the bull by the horns,and trying to get themselves feeling good again..not just for their DC, but for themselves!

So have come up with a plan for our holiday,especially now that 1mumble is able to come too!

We need funding or sponsership- I reckon Peter Jones would spare some ££s, if we offer to handwash his socks..it'll free up his wifes' time for more romantic things

Whatcha reckon? Any other ideas?

Sorry Scorps Am a slow typer, so i missed your post..

I was by myself for 9 years before i met my XP, i really thought i would never ever get back in touch with that level in me, that enabelled trust and real physical/emotional surrender.. but when i met him, i felt safe and the old me just came back..i think if they become a best friend and with time,the bridges back to that part of you are slowly rebuilt.
I have to add, the only reason it hasn't worked out has to do with the things he hasn't dealt with from his childhood, and other external circumstances..

I wonder if any research has been done re. children from 'broken homes'and whether it means history is more likely to be repeated?
at the end of the day, you said the break up wasn't your fault, so you couldn't have changed anything..Try not to worry about your DCs future relationships,i'm sure you are giving them a really good solid start by yourself,just by loving them!

emma - I forgot me & DS don't have a passport either But DD has so she is fine

Am struggling too! Held it together for a great Christmas but then lost it between Christmas and New Year. Everything takes on too great a significance, I find, so I get defeated by little things. I feel my time with my DCs is so limited and am over-compensating for pretty useless ex who seems to have 'forgotten' how to parent. DCs constantly challenging boundaries and never happy. Particularly worried about DS2(6) who is really miserable pretty much all the time - he used to be such a sunny chap.

Made myself invite people over for New Year's Day but nearly pulled out at the last moment. Ended up having a good day but now DCs with their dad for a week and I feel so flat and lethargic even though I have lots I need to do.

secretskillrelationships write a list of all the things that need doing and one by one tick them off a day at a time. at the end of the week you will look back and see some real evidence of how you spent your time, it makes you feel good to know you spent your time doing worthwhile things. ticking lists motivates me to write another list for the next time i am on my own. i used to get more depressed thinking 'a week to my self and all i did was sit around' even ploughing through the ironing pile was a kind of achievment i could sit and watch tv in the evenings feeling happier knowing i didn't have to look at it anymore. let us know what's first on your list.

Secretskill - my ds2 is 6, and has lost some of his sunny dispostion too :( and he cries about his dad still. I saw a picture from a year ago and ds2 looked ill after he left, but i was so selfish i didn't notice at the time :(.

Jellykat - thankyou :). I am 26 so i think i have some time left, but i get so worried about it. H left basically because he cheated on me alot and the last time was with a teenage girl through my pregnancy, i found out and basically started hating him. Then he left because he couldn't deal with my reactions. I think he wanted me to get over it instantly. I gave birth without him, he lost that privilege. I think I'm going to start divorce soon, i don't want to be treated that way by anyone. Have had new year things from him about regret and how wonderful i am etc . have mostly ignored and reinforced that it was all his decision. He is an excellent father though, really he is.

I get scared that what if no-one ever notices me, what i have to give? I was with H since i was 18 so have NO clue about dating etc. Do any of you date, or wish to?

Scorps - I am a bit scared of dating tbh

Also because my H lives in ireland (I don't) I never really get a break to go out except when my parents step in iyswim.

TBH I don't really feel reaqdy for dating yet. I have had a couple of things on the backburner since H left (2 yrs in may) but because Ican't get out they fizzle out too

ooops ready

I kind of feel ready, for something casual. But I'm very fussy about men and write off 99% before even talking to them. I manage to get out a bit, but mostly life consists of children related things and that's not very good for meeting men! I don't find pubs etc a very good place either. I get very wary of being wanted for sex and that's it. I like/d one man but all of a sudden i stopped hearing from him and he updated his FB to in a relationship. Sigh. I don't even know how to do it all! I think maybe joining a kind of club or something...gym...but the one i want to join H fights there and so i feel like i can't attend (is a thai boxing club). I went for a bit before i had the baby and LOVED it. I live in very West Cornwall so am limited to things and places that have no association iyswim.

Simpson - does he see the dc much then? My parents live in France so it's just H that has them, he is very good and has them for tea on two weeknights and friday 5pm - Sunday 2pm, every week.

1mumble - thanks for that, just the push I needed. Have now completed 95% of my horrendous tax return that I was dreading and now know what questions I need to ask tax office when I call next week.

Will now relax in smug self-satisfaction at a job (nearly) done!

Scorps - horrid isn't it. I do notice but doesn't always mean I am the caring, loving parent I'd like to be. Sometimes I just wish he (and his sibs) would be happy for once. I know they aren't miserable all the time but with 3, it's been a rare occurence that everyone has felt good and carefree at the same time! I find the whining demanding behaviour most challenging when I feel like that too and there's no-one for me to whine to!

Oh god, can't imagine dating! My mum pointed out that as I'm in my mid 40s the men likely to look at me are likely to be in their 80s!

secrets - i know exactly what you mean. ds2 is very sensitive. sigh. When i have a bad day, i just literally get through the others to bed time and then ring my parents to offload. I always feel loved and supported after that. Also i like to lose myself in a book. I often console myself with thoughts that no-one lives their life feeling like this for like 50 years in a row or something, that my time will come, etc. Also chin up, tits out, fake smile - GO! often helps too :)

How old are we all? I'm 26 :), and a SAHM for a while now.

secrets - plenty of dating left in you, goodness me!! I'm hoping for an older man really. Maybe he will be more on my wavelength. My Mum says i was born 25, lol.

I'm a literally ancient 32!.. Not fussed about dating... like being single, like having to only consider myself and my boys.. still get 'orribly lonely though.. and I've forgotten what sex even is.

I am 38

Scorps - I stopped all contact between H & DC a few months ago as when he came over from Ireland last on the day he was due to go back he left my mums place (she lets him stay there) he then headed straight for the pub and got so drunk he was arrested at the tube station trying to get train to the airport

Then a few times he rang (I let him ring every fri) drunk and I thought "no more" iyswim and DC had no contact even phone calls for about a month. They have not seen him for 3mths.

But on Xmas eve I found a Christmas card from H (I had let them open their pressies from their dad & family in Ireland on Xmas Eve) to DS(5) under his pillow when he was asleep.

Sooo basically he has been allowed to resume contact on phone (as long as sober) and we will see what happens....

Am gutted, I have been invited out to a friends birthday party next sat night and got no babysitter

simpson - sometimes if i need a week night babysitter, i ask at the local nursery for one, loads of the girls in there like the extra money . is there one near your dc school, or where they used to go?

secretskill Nnnooo don't say that! i'm 47,met XP when i was 43, he was 4 years older..
Your mum is fibbing- 40 to @53 yrs old is what to aim for, i reckon.. There can't be that many 30 yr old women who want a 45+ yr old man can there?..

Surely the way to look at 'dating' is not so much about hard work.. but receiving a bit of attention, some compliments,having a laugh, being women instead of just mums?.. feeling like 'us' again, instead of just invisible, why shouldn't we deserve that occasionally?

God, if someone i felt interested in asked, i'd say yes, why not?..it's when the emotional stuff crept in- that would be scary! but i don't think any of us would let our guards down easily,we'd have to be damn sure!

scorps Please don't think like that re. who would notice you/ what would you have to give?..you must be kinder to yourself!You have permission to say that at my age- not before

Unfortunately it would be a very late night as in probably a 4am job

Good idea though

DD (2) gets 2yr funding and has 10hrs p/w free at a private nursery and she is back in on tues so may ask them for other nights out which aren't so late

ok :) God I'm so pleased i joined this thread! Yes i would just like someone to, for example, go to the cinema with, or come round and play the wii, have a takeaway and some sex . That's it for now. Doesn't sound liek too much to ask does it, sigh.

jellykat - you have hit the nail on the head

Just to not feel like "mum" all the time!!!

simpson- any chance of neighbours with quiet teenage daughters who have essays to write while babysitting?

Does it have to be 4am, can't you get a taxi back earlier?

Think my mum was basing that on the classic mid-life crisis man who goes for the 20 year old in his mid 40s. Made me think and but okay as really not interested. Last single when I was in my 20s and seem to have reverted back to then which is when I last looked at anyone other than my now ex

That said, my mum went out with a 28 year old when she was 40 so hope for us all!

Basically the plan is that everyone is meeting at this friends house (near me) for drinks and then everyone goes in cabs to a club she has chosen (not near me) to dance etc...

I am now thinking about just going for the drinks and not the club as I don't fancy getting a cab by myself from an area I don't know iyswim.

I just need to beg persuade my brother to babysit He won't do the late night but might if I am back at a decent time

I have asked a couple of friends but they have their own plans and tbh most of my pals will be on the night out iyswim.

I really do need to find a teenager to babysit the odd time for me. I will definately enquire at DD's nursery for futures times.