Shared Parenting: getting me down

[MakingAMess]

Is anyone out there doing a shared parenting agreement with their ex?

We have two kids (DS - 4, DD - 19 months).

We have 'agreed 'a 50/50 split as this is the only way we can avoid ending up in court.

The kids seem fine so far (has been in place since August). Very little anxiety / crying etc.

However, I feel dreadful. Feel guilty for 'abandoning them' 50% of the time and terrified that the long-term effects of this on their emotional development will be negative. Particularly on the little one as she is at a critical age for identity forming etc.

I spend every other weekend without them in tears. I don't have any relatives or close friends in the area. Moved here 9 years ago because of ex-husband's job but have never worked in the area and only have friends through baby groups etc. Don't want to see them at the weekends because they have their kids, and I don't have mine.

There are two reasons why I am not applying for residency. Mainly I don't want a messy and expensive legal battle as that's not in the children's interests. Secondly, the kids seem to be ok with this arrangement...

Just wondering if anyone else has been there with kids this age, and how they got through it.

[MakingAMess]

oh thanks prettywhiteguitar. that is such a lovely post.

you are right - even the slightest whiff of solicitor gets him riled.

we have our next mediation session on thursday. and i have realised that it is 1030 - 1130 which is right over the 2 min silence window at 11am. i was thinking of timing my arrangement of childcare over christmas question to fall at 1059... hahaha!

and everyone who knows my ex has said that he will soften over time. he is heartily aggrieved at my actions. he has ALWAYS been the main man, so to have his life altered like this by 'a woman' is mightily unpleasant for him. so i am trying to 'flatter' him occasionally - i sent him a 'thank you' text on saturday night after he 'let' me attend a fireworks do at a friend's house (she was my friend really - a neighbour) on a weekend when he had the kids and i should not have had access.

am hoping if i flatter him enough and make it look like it was his idea / he is in control, i may get more leeway eventually.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Haha good idea about the minutes silence ! Then run !

You sound like you are totally doing the right thing, after all we have to live around these men for the rest of our lives so doing little things knowingly to soften blows to make OUR life easier is the clever way to get around them.

...and we are used to accommodating toddler's temper tantrums are we not ? It is exactly how these men are behaving

I had to forget all the abusive stuff my ex did to me and get on with him as I knew he loved my son. Lo and behold after sticking to my guns in subtle and not so subtle ways, a year on he half appologises. It really helped our relations and I have put our past behind us.

• he was never physically abusive just cruel to me - I also wouldn't ever say to anyone to try this with someone who had been physicaly abusive -
  

We will never be friends but we can have a cup of tea at change over and our son would never know what has happened in the past.

I really hope your ex-husband can get to this point with you and you are the one to help him do it because you are strong.

Missing your children will get better, it really tore me up at first because ds was only 6mths but with time it does get easier. I started painting on my off days and am doing okay selling them again so one bonus!

Good luck with Christmas negotiations !

[MakingAMess]

oh goodness - 6m is VERY young. it is bad enough with my 20m old. but at least i do see her during the day when i am working from home and the nanny has her in my house. so i feel like my access during the week is not too bad. it is the every other weekend thing which kills me.

i can't paint to save my life. but i have been clocking up lots of walking miles. instead of driving everywhere to do things more quickly, i am walking. walked blisters on my feet last weekend as i walked miles to do various little things that needed sorting. it has the benefit of taking me out of the house for hours at a time, getting me out in the fresh air and giving me some exercise - oh and tiring me out! so all good really.