Shared Parenting: getting me down

[MakingAMess]

Is anyone out there doing a shared parenting agreement with their ex?

We have two kids (DS - 4, DD - 19 months).

We have 'agreed 'a 50/50 split as this is the only way we can avoid ending up in court.

The kids seem fine so far (has been in place since August). Very little anxiety / crying etc.

However, I feel dreadful. Feel guilty for 'abandoning them' 50% of the time and terrified that the long-term effects of this on their emotional development will be negative. Particularly on the little one as she is at a critical age for identity forming etc.

I spend every other weekend without them in tears. I don't have any relatives or close friends in the area. Moved here 9 years ago because of ex-husband's job but have never worked in the area and only have friends through baby groups etc. Don't want to see them at the weekends because they have their kids, and I don't have mine.

There are two reasons why I am not applying for residency. Mainly I don't want a messy and expensive legal battle as that's not in the children's interests. Secondly, the kids seem to be ok with this arrangement...

Just wondering if anyone else has been there with kids this age, and how they got through it.

[Rob19321]

Sweet mother of gawd people, she asked if anyone had problems in this type of arrangement and everyone turned into lawyers trying to find money as a motivation.

I am a father.

I agreed to pay 100% of the fully custody amount, in exchange for equal parenting.

Stop the insanity. Parents are parents and money should not be a motivator.

[Rob19321]

So in answer to your question, and thanks for asking it. It sounds as if you recognize that your children are content and happy, yet you have not fully adjusted yet. This is short-term... probably not much different than when any relationship fails. You happen to be replying on your children for companionship (100% natural, they have been your life for 2-4 years). However, these emotions are the same as when they go to school, or hit teenage years, or ultimately leave the nest.

I fully endorse the comments that suggested that you get a hobby... it will be an investment in yourself, it will prepare you for the other natural events that I noted above.. you get the benefit of structuring your life for these events before others do... others who leave it until the last minute.

I had problems in the early months because my ex didn't agree to shared parenting. We turned every conversation into a court preparation.
Once I agreed to pay 100% of the money, we found equal parenitng ideal... I turn on the money, she turns on the equal parenting... ultimately our children get the best thing available (Within the constraints of separation/divorce).

Two houses, two bedrooms... I do a birthday a year at her place, she does a birthday a year at my place.

Find a way to get money off the table.


Sincerely,
The father who pays to be a parent.

P.s. Money is like air, you NEED enough, you don't NEED more. If you care for money for your children... remember, they get it all in 40 or 50 years anyway, it won't make your tombstone any more fun to sleep under.

[MakingAMess]

thanks, rob. you really do seem to understand. and i so do not want his money. i just want my kids - with every cell of my body. haven't seen them since fri morning and it is now sun pm and i have been crying on and off the whole time. i don't want a hobby. i don't want a social life. i just want my kids.

i guess i will get over that eventually. although why would i want to?

[CarGirl]

Blimey they are young and that is very rough to not see them for 3 days at a stretch.

Can you re-jig your working days so you work each weekday but spend more time with them on the days you're not working or ask if you can move your day off so it's not always a Friday.

It sounds like a bereavement of the family life you once had in addition to losing your time with your little ones.

Do not surrender the child benefit!

[MakingAMess]

cargirl - i can and do rejig my working days and as i WFH a lot, i also take DS to school and pick him up each day i have them. DD is around in the day as the nanny looks after he in my house when it's my day to have the kids, so i see a lot of her and always do mealtimes, nap time and spend time with her before they go out / when they get back in etc. i also try to flex my work so i can take DS to his swimming lesson when i have them on a thurs. it is the weekends that are the killers. by the saturday morning, i am in tears and i just goes on until i collect them on the sunday night.

i have already asked exh to change the days around to try to ease the weekend situation (Original agreement was Fri am handover and you got them back on the Monday - so wouldn't see DS until after school on Mon: effectively 4 days. We now handover on Sun teatime). but it just moves the problem, rather than addressing it. the problem is that i can't bear being without the kids. i don't ever want to get used to being without them.

but - the kids are fine. so if i try to get exh to agree to tinker further with the days / handovers to try to ease it for me (and he won't want to because he knows it is something i want, so won't want to let me have it), it probably won't in reality. and the kids are fine anyway - so what is the point?

[CarGirl]

Big hugs, it's a huge change.

All you can do is keep yourself very busy. Could you go and visit friends on those weekends, do a course or something?

[MakingAMess]

thanks cargirl. i think there is too much 'woe is me' from my side at the moment. i don't WANT to go away, meet friends, 'enjoy' or 'fill' my free time. because i don't want free time. i guess this feeling will stop eventually. but i don't want it to because that will mean i have 'got used' to not having my kids around. and that is such an awful thing to get used to.

[ChasingSquirrels]

of course you don't want to get used to it, but - as time passes - which is the best alternative, that you don't get used to it, and waste your life, or that you get used to it, and move on.
I have been there, and in a way still am - as I don't want a hobby, or certainly am not interested in any that have been suggested to me.
But I am now happy being on my own when they aren't here, just pottering.
Time IS a great healer.
Try to find little treats for yourself to get through little by little.

[CarGirl]

Well my 13 year old has decided to go and live with her Dad hundreds of miles away I will hardly ever see her.

She is 13 and it still hurts like hell, it also reminds me of the failures I've made of my life with her so although my daily life won't be affected I'm still grieving.

Can you take a step back and recognise that you need to spend that time with friends, you don't want your children to feel guilt for enjoying see their Dad because you miss them so much?

[ChasingSquirrels]

Cargirl - sorry to hear about your 13yo, that must be very very hard for you.

[MakingAMess]

Cargirl - that must be so so hard for you. i dread that also - that the kids decide to live with him in the long run...

i hope never to let on to the kids how much i miss them. but i suppose i do need to build myself a life of my own, which i am not doing by sitting around mourning them.

[houseproject]

I think you should be applauded for trying to see this from the children's point of view. My DD is now off to Uni (& that's a separation that I didn't believe would be so painful) but she has been so grateful that during her childhood she was not used as a pawn or had to witness angry parents. It's not ideal to grow up with separated parents BUT if your parents are grownup about it and genuninely look after the childs interests then they will do fine. Children do well from spending time with their mum and dad - it gives them a different perspective on life.Keep hold of that. My ex was similar with a lack of organisation around school etc, however you can totally overcome these issues if you have a will to do so.
It's still early days - take up some of the advice given here, get involved in something at the weekend. As a working mum weekend time with the kids is precious so do consider changing/reducing your working hours if hat helps. Also be aware that you may need to consider changes when the children are older - maybe when both at school.My advice would be to also be fair to the other parent, after a split there is so much distrust and that has to be rebuilt in a way that enables the children to have a happy life. Your ex sounds like a good dad who might be in overdrive atm re activities but I'm sure that will calm down.
PS well done on being finanically independent - that will help you feel more confident and in control of your future.Good Luck

[MakingAMess]

houseproject - hope your DD enjoys uni! happy days they are (or should be).

i am so grateful at the moment that we have a nanny because she does most of the transfers in the week (picks DS up from school on 'handover day' and takes him and DD back to his dad's etc) so i never have to see ex other than at weekends. so at the mo, the kids don't have to witness any friction between mum and dad. and she is a constant for them, as well. the 19 mo is very attached to her also, which is a comfort to me, as i know that, when they are with their dad and he is late home from work (as he usually is), she will get cuddles and comfort from the nanny.

when DD starts school (or possibly nursery -tbd), we will no longer have a nanny as it makes no sense. we will be able to do wrap-around for the two of them in the same place. that may be when there is more of an issue as we will have to communicate more. but that is still 2 - 3 years down the line and there is a lot of water under the bridge before then...

[inveteratenamechanger]

It is so hard - I really feel for you. But it DOES get much much easier. I have been there.

I can see how pissed off with your XH you must be, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you are doing what is best for the DCs: allowing them to have a proper relationship with both parents. You should be hugely proud of this, even though the arrangement is not what you would want in an ideal world.

Just one suggestion: could you possibly both rejig your working days so that one of you has the day off on Friday and has the DCs on Friday/Saturday, and the other has the day off on Monday and has them on Sunday/Monday? This is what XP and I do, and it works very well, as we both have a "weekend" with DD, and I (and XP) never have to spend a whole weekend alone.

[MakingAMess]

ivnc - thanks. i wish i could suggest something like that to exh but he will not listen to anything i say now. we are doing mediation but he cancelled the last session due to work and is not scheduling another due to 'high constraints' (don't know - don't ask me...). so i am stuck where i am for now. and i don't know how to move anything forward with him.

[belleshell]

hi,

i have shared care off kids and again its the only thing we could agree on, i have posted before, the only reason i havetn applied for full residency is because my kids are 9 and 11. My ex will not give me full residency as i would then move back to all my family and friends, and the kids would see him as agreed. Because kids are older they would be interviewed as to where they want to live, i cant do that to my kids. i survive my week without the kids somehow,and at the weekends i dont have the kids i go home...guess i got best of both worlds although it doesnt feel like it..

[queenrollo]

I have shared care of DS. I have him Fri - Mon every week and he's with his dad Tues/Weds/Thurs. This arrangement fits around his dad's work schedule.

You asked about the emotional side of this though......3 years on for me and it is easier. The early days were hell....i spent Monday night sleepless and sobbing, the midweek days i felt completely lost. I'd gone from being a full-time SAHM to a part time one and making that adjustment was difficult. I still have days where i struggle with not having him here, but these days are less frequent now. DS has gone through phases of not wanting to go back to daddy's (full on sobbing and clinging) and the reverse of not wanting to come to me, and that left me distraught. He's five now and we haven't had that kind of upset for a long time. He's completely settled with the way things are, and a very happy boy. Occasionally i have him more (when his dad has busy periods at work) and seeing how sad he is to lose that time with his dad helps me because as much as i miss him when he's not here I know that having 'equal' time with both parents is what my son needs.
It will get easier, but this is still very early days for you. I'd say for me (and everyone is different) the first year was absolute hell.

The other influences on this on a personal level make a difference too though I think......i get on very well with my ex, the split had no animosity at all. There has never been arguments about access, we're flexible about extra days for holiday etc. Either one of us can do visits on the other parents day if we really need it, and in the early days this happened a few times but neither of us feel the need now. I often don't talk to my son for the three days he's with dad as talking on the phone is too upsetting for him, and that is hard for both of us but our son's welfare is top of the list.

with reference to Child benefit......i'd say don't give it up. I did and underestimated what an emotional burden that would be for me. It was a financial decision for me, as ex needed the CB to claim the child element of Tax Credits and couldn't pay his mortgage without it.....I had to really separate my emotions from the practicality of that. If I hadn't done it my son would have lost his home (i moved out of the family home). It doesn't sound like your ex needs the CB to secure a roof over his head so don't give it up.

getting out and about and filling your days is important. Both me and the ex have new partners, and having the support of friends and then a partner was big help in dealing with the emotional aspect of being apart from DS.

[Niceguy2]

@Rob

I don't see anyone advising OP to go legal. It's certainly not something I'd recommend she do at the moment but its always something one has to bear in mind.

You are right, the issue of money & access should always be separated. My only advice on that was to try and get a token payment so it establishes the principle that she is the main carer.

The problem with 50:50 care is that if push came to shove and you go to court, chances are a court will want to establish a shared residence order.....but someone still has to be the main carer.

In your case you & your ex have made the issue of money & access intertwined. Its not something I'd ever recommend but if it works for you then fair play. Personally I'd never accept a situation where I "pay as you go" for access to my kids.

[MakingAMess]

guys and gals - thanks for your replies. my ex will NEVER agree that i am the main carer. he says his solicitor reckons he can claim to be the primary carer because my job took me away most weeks (1 night - 2 nights max) when i was back at work after having the kids. his job also takes him away - but less. he WILL fight me over the issue of who is the primary carer. and he will never accept a residence order that is anything less than 50/50 and has us as being jointly responsible and 'joint primary carers' (his words - i don't even think that is a valid concept!)

[MakingAMess]

our split is also far from amicable, and i cannot ask for access on days the kids are with their dad. even though the nanny has to pass my front door with the kids on the way back from school to their father's house (and i am WFH), i am not allowed to see them. i sit and watch them drive past out of my window on school days when they are with him. (he lives 9 miles from the school; i live 2 mins walk).

[cestlavielife]

"the problem is that i can't bear being without the kids. i don't ever want to get used to being without them."

i get that - but it is the reality isnt it?
rob made the points about other times when you have to let go...

and crying all weekend only hurts you... doesnt help your kids.... you wont be letting them down by not "missing" them so much. if you go and get on with your life - they wont suffer at all from that, will they? you dont need to feel guilty for having a nice time eg seeing friends etc without them....

they wont notice that, or realise - what they need is to go from one happy parent to another happy parent and back again....

if you going thru such extremes of emotion when you with them/not with them - how does that impact on them?

can you go back to your counsellor/therapist and work thru the stages of grief for bereavement insofar as it relates to this regular "bereavement"?

as queenrollo says - it will get easier for you - but maybe you need some specific help thru this from a counsellor?

[SolidGoldBrass]

I appreciate that you are doing what's best for the DC, and that it hurts: however, are you being independently advised? Because, from your last post, I do wonder if your XP is telling you what's going to happen rather than negotiating with you. I don;t know the reasons for your split but he does sound like an arrogant bully - bear in mind that he won;t necessarily get his own way just because he thinks he's the most important person in the family. So if you are unhappy with certain unfair aspects of the arrangement, make sure you go over them with a solicitor or with the mediator, especially if you have evidence of your XP's misbehaviour. Never mind what his solicitor says, what does yours say?

[MakingAMess]

cestlavielife - i hear what you say and it makes perfect sense. i could probably do with going back to the counsellor but at £60 a pop, it is not something i can just keep throwing money at. not when i am also paying £160 a go for mediation (not that i know when our next session is as ex is being difficult about booking it!).

belleshell - similar situation here. if i had residency of the kids i would move back to devon in a flash, and ex would only see the kids alternate weekends and holidays. that's not the best thing for them either. but part of me still feels it is wrong that they are not with me more than 50% of the time. DD is still so little; DS is such a mummy's boy. i just want to project them and be there for them; wipe their tears away; cuddle them when they are sad.

last week was hard as DS was sick. the nanny called me to ask me what to do. the kids were at my ex's house. he was at work. i was at home on my own (working). i just wanted to go over there, send the nanny home and look after my poorly child. but i couldn't. ex got home at normal time (2 mins before the nanny finishes) - unaware even that he had been ill.

it is clear who the nanny thinks is the primary carer in our situation... but i would NEVER use her in a court battle as we jointly employ her and i just could not do that to her.

[MakingAMess]

SGB - we are seeing a mediator. but to be honest, they are not much cop. money for old rope. everyone tells me they are cheaper than solicitors. be that as it may, i am not impressed.

my solicitor is ace; and believes that joint residence doesn't mean 50/50 and can be more flexible. but unfortunately ex doesn't agree. unless i want to go to court to make that point, i will have to live with it.

funny you used the word bully about him. and arrogant. those are two of the words the counsellor used about him. we went to her for counselling as a couple for 3 months. then when my depression was getting too bad, she asked to see me on my own. when i really told her how i felt about the relationship, she told me what she really thought of my ex... 'don't imagine i haven't seen the way he talks to you. don't imagine i haven't seen the aggression and the bullying'. and this in a counselling session where he was supposed to be on his best behaviour and working to save the relationship with the women he (apparently) loved so much...

[SolidGoldBrass]

MAM: I thought so. This man is an abuser, and well done for having left him. Please don't be afraid of going to court - abusive men often use access as a way of bullying their XPs, it's got nothing to do with the DCs' wellbeing - they like to insist that they can do whateever they want and that you are only a silly disobedient woman who everyone will laugh at and no one will believe. THIS IS BULLSHIT. A court will not let him have everything his own way just because he's a Man: if you have evidence of his unreasonable behaviour (like fucking about with the mediation - this will count against him in court BTW), hold on to it, listen to your solicitor, remember that you matter and so do the DC.