Shared Parenting: getting me down

[MakingAMess]

Is anyone out there doing a shared parenting agreement with their ex?

We have two kids (DS - 4, DD - 19 months).

We have 'agreed 'a 50/50 split as this is the only way we can avoid ending up in court.

The kids seem fine so far (has been in place since August). Very little anxiety / crying etc.

However, I feel dreadful. Feel guilty for 'abandoning them' 50% of the time and terrified that the long-term effects of this on their emotional development will be negative. Particularly on the little one as she is at a critical age for identity forming etc.

I spend every other weekend without them in tears. I don't have any relatives or close friends in the area. Moved here 9 years ago because of ex-husband's job but have never worked in the area and only have friends through baby groups etc. Don't want to see them at the weekends because they have their kids, and I don't have mine.

There are two reasons why I am not applying for residency. Mainly I don't want a messy and expensive legal battle as that's not in the children's interests. Secondly, the kids seem to be ok with this arrangement...

Just wondering if anyone else has been there with kids this age, and how they got through it.

[MakingAMess]

pithyslicker - since august. very raw, yes.

[VictimOfCompassion]

Rather astounding to see all this grief for a mother who had "sole custody" of their children (as is the court's common practice in these days of common lawlessness), and yet ironically saw no problem with keeping the children from their father.

[onmyown13]

I too have a 50-50 arrangement with my ex and I miss my children dreadfully - it started in May. And my ex too went from workaholic when we were together and now is model parent who fought and fought to get 50% with the kids, probably to avoid paying maintenance. It's terrible being a mum and not being with your children for long periods of time - there is a big gap that can't be filled. Made worse by married friends who think I'm having a wonderful time not having to look after them all the time...

Give it time, and don't expect it to go away. We will get used to it somehow. In the meantime, don't say to no to any social invitations. Make the effort to make social arrangements yourselves - I find my married friends are usually happy to escape their marriages for a night out as long as you don't ask the same person too frequently! Don't wait for other people to ask you - everyone's too busy with their lives. Try to fill the time with something regular - a nightclass or club (I play in an orchestra which has the added benefit of being fulfilling too). It all kills the time whilst not making up for the kids not being there, but most of the time stops me being miserable.

And most of all, when the kids are with you, make the most of them. I have just had a lovely time with them for half of half term - every day was a joy but now they've gone to my despicable ex and I have to make do with phone conversations with them which consist of "hello mummy, don't want to talk today, bye bye"
So off tonight to the cinema with friends - filling up that time again...

[bettypage]

MakingAMess... This set up that you and your ex have for your kids sounds horrendous!!!

You say the kids are ok with it now, well they would be as it's fairly new and exciting but put yourself in their shoes, imagine that you had to move home every few days... would you like to live like they are?
I think 50/50 splits are apalling for the kids in any situation. If parents feel they want to split their time like this then go ahead... let the parents move in and out of the house and the kids stay put.

I'm a lone parent of a toddler and on good terms with my ex. He sees his boy whenever he likes which is one day at the weekend and an evening or 2 during the week. I would never allow 50/50 with my son doing the moving about, i'd rather go and stay elsewhere and let his father stay with him at my place.

I also come from a single parent family and my parents got on well after the split, I saw my Dad about as much as my ex sees his son and I was really happy as a kid and close to both parents now.

Good luck!

[MakingAMess]

onmyown - thanks. you are a step ahead of me and getting things in perspective.

bettypage - it's not ideal, you are right. but what can i do? go to court and fight my ex? he is adamant that the kids spent exact amounts of time with each of us, so how do we get around that? it's not what i want and i also think, like you, that in the long run they will want one home base. but there is absolutely no way my ex would consent to us moving in and out of the house to parent them in one house. no way on this earth. so what do i do?

[Boobalina]

Stop doing the mediation together. Get your own lovely solictor, take him to court and stop letting him bully you. Let the courts advise as opposed to him saying whats whats

[pithyslicker]

We do shared care, one dc does 50/50 and one does the more traditional every other week end type access. We didn't sit down and ask them this, this is how it has evolved over 4 years. And they are happy with this

[Boobalina]

We worked out this rota
week 1 - Weds, Fri and sat - kids at Dads
Week 2 - Tue, wed, Sun - kids at dads
Week 3 as week 1 and repeat.

we also have a shared google calendar that we both update regulary with things for the kids, nights away blah.

It works really well. He did at one point ask to have the kids for 4 nights then I have them for 4 nights - that got a flat no!

Also, he does pick up our youngest to take her to nursery each morning on the days he doesnt haven them. The kids are really happy with the rota as are we - yes, its a wrench when I dont have them, but he is there parent too....

[bettypage]

Boobalina, I agree with you.

MakingAMess you really don't have to put up with anything you don't feel happy with. Your ex is being a bully. Stand up to him, be reasonable, even if you end up in court, it's worth it for you and your kids. Don't listen to a word he says, he's out of order. You won't lose your kids, your their mother!
Your ex might back off a bit if you stand up to him. Let us know how you get on with this xx

[Namechangeaday]

So complaints about dads who want 50/50, complaints about dads who don't see their children enough.

So is the consensus dads should get every other weekend and accept it?

[Boobalina]

Not at all?! See my earlier post of how me and exh work it. He sees kids every single day and has them 3 nights a week.

[Namechangeaday]

Boobalina I feel your view is in the minority

[ChocHobNob]

Seems like it Namechangeaday.

[MakingAMess]

do you think it would be unreasonable if i saw the kids on the days they are not with me? ex lives 9 miles away and DS is at school 2 mins from my house. on the days when the kids are with him, the nanny goes to his house and brings DC over to the school to drop DS off and then takes DD out to her activities (playgroup etc). She then goes back to ex's house with DD and then back over to the school (2 mins from my house) to pick DS up. she then drives them back over to ex's house at 3.15 and he gets home at 6.30pm and she finishes at 6.45pm.

mostly i am working from home, so i am actually in the house when nanny is driving past the house / to and fro etc. in fact, DS even 'waves' to me from the end of the road.

do you gals and guys think it would be unreasonable for me to walk up to the school to see the kids on the days they are not 'with me'?

i also find it really hard that the kids are going back to an empty house with the nanny after school when they could come here and have tea with me and then go back to their father's in time for him to get home from work.

do you think i am being unreasonable to be thinking this?

[bettypage]

if dad's at work and you're available they should be with you rather than the nanny. how is he having access if he's not there. if my ex wasn't actually at his home when my son visits, he wouldn't be going. you absolutely have a right to see them under these circumstances.
i can't actually believe what you put up with! it amazes me! you gotta get tougher x

[MakingAMess]

bettypage - we are both working. it's just that i can work from home and can flex my working hours (i do a lot of work with India, so often do conf calls at 5am etc when DC are still asleep).

so i can make myself available to see my kids throughout the day almost every day (i do travel with work some days). whereas ex works in an office and is out of the house 7.30am to 6.30pm (at least) on the days the kids are with him.

but on 'his' days, even though i am working at home and am in the house and could see them, i can't really have sole charge of them as i am technically working. i could 'knock off' for an hour or so to do a teatime with them on the days they are with my ex. so the nanny could come here with DD and i could go up to the school to collect DS and i could play with them and give them tea and the nanny could then take them over to ex's house (even though it is still my house as i am on the deeds, i can't enter it without informing him according to his wishes - so wouldn't be able to be in the house when he got home without prior arrangement).

am i just being a wimp?

would i be annoyed if the boot were on the other foot? i would like to think that i would rather that the children were spending time with one of the parents than in the other parent's house just because it was that parent's day but they were at work.

[bettypage]

i understand what you're saying and you need to push for this! sorry but you are being a wimp!!! i think that when the nanny's got them you should have access even on his days. no judge in the land will rule against that! talk to your ex, just give it to him. no ifs, buts or arguing. tell him that's how it's going to be so deal with it. have you talked to your solicitor about this? if you can get this extra bit of access under your belt it'll make the whole ordeal much more manageable for you... i reckon!

[ChocHobNob]

Hang on a minute Betty, does this work across the board? So should a mother always have their child in their company too when it is their "contact time"? This isn't one or two days "visiting" their father a week. This is when the children are living in their other home for half of the time. Or if a Mother was working and a father is free, should the child always be with the father rather than in their regular child care setting? Would that not completely mess up a parents childcare when one parent is available at random periods, but the parent has to block book childcare and pay for it even if it isn't used?

I can just see my H's daughter's Mother telling him to go jump if he said that whenever he is off of work and his daughter is being cared for by some one other than her Mum, she should be with him.

I don't think you're being a whimp in the slightest OP. But I don't see why it would hurt asking your ex if you could maybe do some school runs on his days or have them for tea on the odd day.

[ChocHobNob]

I also don't think it's helpful advising the OP to demand and dictate what is happening during her ex's contact time because if the shoe were on the other foot, how would the OP feel having her ex interfere and tell her what she has to do in her time with the children?

These are two equal parents. No-ones say holds more ground than the other. One of the main problems in these situations seems to be giving up some control to the other parent (normally a father). A child doesn't belong to a mother.

[MakingAMess]

chochobnob - you are right. i would like to think if the boot were on the other foot, i would rather they saw their father on 'my' day as long as i saw them when i was back from work. and as long as it didn't involve him being in my house or the nanny having to do extra ferrying across town between our houses...

but then again, he had the day off work on monday (because DS had an inset day) and the nanny still worked, and took DD (and school-aged DS) to pre-school music group; and the nanny didn't get to go home early... when i am around, i let the nanny go when i am not working. i would always rather spend the time on my own with the kids if i can.

so really, i can't see him agreeing to me seeing them on 'his' days. i have long thought with him that it is 'bums on seats' - ie 'my' kids in 'my' house on 'my' day, whether or not he is actually there.

[bettypage]

chochobnob, I see your point and it's a really tricky issue... there's no right or wrong answer here. Also, just for the record, I see no difference between Mothers and Fathers. Both equal parents. I would say the same thing to MakingAMess if she was the father saying the same thing, I'd say the same advice but relating to the Mother (I hope that makes sense). I am a lone parent and I know that I wouldn't want my ex having our son on his day if he wasn't actually there and he wouldn't expect that, likewise, if I need to be away from my son he would expect me to ask him first before getting in childcare. Ex would be appalled if I got childcare in when he's available...for an hour or a day! I know because we've had this situation. And I used to work as a Nanny for years and know what that's like too...another story, if you want that angle MakingAMess!!

[MakingAMess]

bettypage - do tell me re being a nanny in this situation. our nanny is fab and i so do not want her to defect as she holds everything together for us. the kids adore her and she cares for them in both our homes (depending on whose day it is).

i am worried she might feel like piggy in the middle. i do my best to keep things uncomplicated for her and to ensure she is not a go-between. and i talk to her constantly about what is going on, so she is informed and can ask if she has any questions. i also check she is happy...

but what else do i need to think about?

i always let her go home as soon as i have finished working on the days she is working for me (whereas exH always keeps her until the end of her official working day which is 1845). i gave her an 'unofficial' day off yesterday as i swapped my working days and was having yesterday off which was a day she would normally work. i told her she didn't need to use holiday for it.

i sometimes worry that actually she may not always want to go home that early or have time off - she always seems grateful, but would you have got annoyed if you were let off early 2 times a week (also tell her not to get here before 9am on my days when i am WFH, but she is supposed to start at 0730) or given the odd day off here or there?

obviously - i don't tell my exh this, and she knows not to tell him either. we are joint employers... but it is me she phones when she has questions or if she wants to check anything / if kids are ill on a day when they are at exh's etc

[bettypage]

You sound like a very good employer and I'm sure your Nanny is very happy.
I can assure you that ALL Nannies want to go home early/start later/have paid days off!! When I was Nannying my employers seemed to think that I had no life outside work (I think they forgot it was a job I did and imagined I would come in anyway even if they stopped paying me! LOL!). I loved the kids and loved the job but it was just a job and as wonderful as their little angels were, I needed to do my ironing, my shopping, see my friends etc so any time off was appreciated but obviously when offered I would say things like "oh are you sure you don't need me?" and linger for 10 minutes out of politeness rather than running for the front door! I have lots of Nanny friends and I promise you most, if not all Nannies despise being kept at work til the last minute when a parent gets back early. I don't think starting later in the morning or having days off is so expected by a Nanny but it will make her feel appreciated if she's allowed time off when not required.
I'm sure she privately can't stand your ex so keep up the good work and treat her well.

[MakingAMess]

oh - that's a relief. that is what i thought too but a friend has pointed out that she has a very strong work ethic and may actually not want to be allowed off early all the time. it's not every day anyway as she is only with me for half her working week. and sometimes she does have to work until close to her official finishing time if i am not back from work until later. but the first thing i do when i get in (aside from checking whether everything is ok) is tell her that she can go. in fact, it is usually DS who tells her 'you can go now'!

[prettywhiteguitar]

You sound like a very caring person so don't worry about your nanny, try to worry about yourself.

Do you think that with time your ex might soften if you appear to be going along with him ?

I only say this as my ex was similarly unmovable when we first split but after a while I managed to ease the situation in my favour by seeming to give in and accomodate him.

If he is a bully anything through a solicitor will just rile him up.

I totally feel your pain, I used to watch my ex take my son out from the coffee shop - very small community pushing him on his bike with a fag in one hand and txting. God I used to really hate him.

But when I tried to communicate direct with him instead of through solicitors not changing anything at first, just said we needed to communicate about ds, health, development etc and shared information - as much as it killed me - it opened doors.

You are at a very early stage, clearly traumatised as I was, just let yourself grieve and soon you will be able to pick yourself up and carry on in your new life without this man affecting you so much

If you want to chat pm me :)