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Asking daughters' swimming instructor on a date?

226 replies

evolucy7 · 03/10/2010 20:09

Hi there, I have never posted here before, but regularly read threads.

This is my question, and I'd welcome any advice!

I have been single since the father of my 2 daughters who are now 3 and 4 left us in May 2008. Since then I have never been on a date!

Recently I have been thinking about it, and quite fancy my daughters' swimming instructor! It seems I get little opportunity to meet a vast range of men! I don't know if he is single so need to establish that, I'll look for wedding ring on Tuesday.

What does anyone think about the whole scenario, if he doesn't have a wedding ring he still might not be single anyway, if he isn't or just isn't interested I will have to take my girls to their lessons every week and might feel a fool! Also I don't really know how I could find out or ask him anyway, on the pool side with loads of other parents & children?! He's a great swimming instructor and I would want to keep them in his lessons for as long as possible.

Or should I just forget the whole idea!

Any thoughts anyone please, thanks, Lucy

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anothermum92 · 03/10/2010 20:41

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evolucy7 · 03/10/2010 20:50

Hmmmm....when I go out it tends to be with friends who are all married and the purpose is for us all to have a good time and catch up not be looking around for single men!

Don't you find out if people are single by asking though?

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justonemorethen · 03/10/2010 21:02

Second that.
I think the best bet is for them to (at the very least) show interest in you. Otherwise you waste loads of time and energy in thinking about someone who doesn't actually fancy you For example you have already been putting thought in, posted a thread on here,will be checking for replies and you don't even know if he's available yet! If you do ask him out and he says "no" you will have to see him every week afterwards which will do your self esteem no good. If he says "yes" you won't know if he really likes you or was just flattered or maybe just wants a quick bunk up.It'll be weeks of worry for you...

Do the joining clubs thing or have a go on the internet. Both work if you put the effort in.

There will be someone for you out there don't worry!

anothermum92 · 03/10/2010 21:08

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BEAUTlFUL · 03/10/2010 21:13

Don't ask him out!

evolucy7 · 03/10/2010 21:43

Right ok - honestly I'm quite shocked by your responses! There was me thinking here was someone who is clearly a decent responsible guy not some weirdo that you might be meeting in a bar and not find this out until later!

justonemorethen - surely if any guy says yes to you suggesting a drink you don't really know what he is thinking?! Even if you meet someone when out, guys will flirt even when not single!

I suppose it was not necessarily a question just about the swimming instructor whose name is Dave by the way, but generally, at what point do you ask people or find out if they are single? I am not that interested in joining clubs etc to meet someone at the moment it was just that here was someone I had come across that I liked the look of.

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LIZS · 03/10/2010 21:47

You will embarrass yourself , him and potentially create and awkward scenario regardign swimming lessons . Leave well alone, even without a ring he may be attached. Many people meets partners through work or friends of friends

Remotew · 03/10/2010 21:51

Don't ask him out. If he is single and in the least bit interested in you he will open up the conversation. Nothing wrong with being friendly to find out more but...

evolucy7 · 20/11/2010 23:09

Well, after all the 'Don't ask him outs' I haven't embarassed anyone (me or him) and done so!
However, my youngest daughter has decided to just kind of refuse to swim any more in her lessons without a lot of encouragement! So I have obviously had to have lots of conversations with him. She has today had a private lesson with him to try and get her back on track. Now, when he is not teaching he is one of the Duty Managers so is often around, and my eldest keeps hugging him and saying 'Hi Dave!' Clearly she fancies him too lol!
So since first posting I have spoken to him a lot, he always comes over and chats when we go swimming not for lessons, and today when we went in the leisure pool after her lesson he kept looking through the reception area window and smiling at me!
Silly I know but I'm kind of having fun(teenage like I know)!
Do people still think I should just forget it, as someone posted I am already thinking about it, but isn't that what you do! To probe a bit I did think I could ask if he had any children somehow when he talks about my wayward youngest and how he deals with children who won't concentrate.
God I'm obsessed! If anyone thinks I should try and ask a few things, what and how should I subtly ask?!

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noraa · 21/11/2010 09:52

it looks like he is interested with you.
but be careful, dont get carried(maybe wrong spelling, sorry) away.
you can ask many friendly questions like the way he does and probe him in that way, go with the same flow, no more further than him.
dont take the first step.
try to have other friends, too. dont only focus on him, it will tire you out.
wish you lots of luck.

Niceguy2 · 21/11/2010 10:19

Has he shown any indicators of interest? Or are you just secretly hoping against all hope?

For example, has he asked you what your name is? Has he made any conversation other than with regards to swimming lessons? Has he asked even how your weekend was etc? Does he smile when he sees you?

I wouldn't come out and just ask him out. If he said No then you'd probably just chuck yourself into the pool to die from the embarrassment and there's no guarantee's he'd jump in to save you! Smile.

Better to just make conversation. So ask him how his weeks been. What he's up to etc. Try to find anything you have in common. Throw in there that a friend let you down tonight/tomorrow so you've no plans (it doesnt have to be true!)

Whilst its ok for a woman to ask a man out, convention still is heavily weighted with the man doing the asking.

Good luck

runmeragged · 21/11/2010 10:29

Does he think you are married still?

Also, I'd just carry on how you are - I wouldn't ask anything to blunt/embarassing!

runmeragged · 21/11/2010 10:32


onimolap · 21/11/2010 10:37

If you've had plenty of conversations with him, he's noticed you. If he hasn't shown interest, that should tell you something.

It's just possible he doesn't know you're unattached (absence of ring tending to indicate only marital status, not whether you have a DP). You could weave it more clearly into a future convo, and see if it makes a difference.

But I think that'ud be clutching at straws, and the potential for seeming desperate remains high. Just enjoy the dream, instead.

Remotew · 21/11/2010 10:55

Agree with others, enjoy the feeling but don't forget you are his customer so it's his job to be nice to you. You could open up a conversation about if he has little ones and how he motivated them to swim etc. Do you know if he is single, it sounds to me as though he probably likes you but might be unavailable so is keeping it professional but a little bit friendly. IYSWIM Grin

Hope it works out OK for you, hope he does ask you out and at least it makes going swimming a bit less of a chore.

whiteandnerdy · 21/11/2010 13:15

Sorry just chortling to myself with the mental image of evolucy7 putting bricks in her kids swim suits.

Instructor, "Well, I really can't explain this ... it's been years now and they still can't swim!!"

evolucy7, "Oh dear, never mind see you next week then?"

NurseSunshine · 21/11/2010 13:36

LOL @ whiteandnerdy!

Sorry I'm going to go against the grain and say that I think meeting someone when you are NOT IN A PUB i.e. not drunk, not "on the pull" is certainly prefereable. As you said, meeting someone in a bar who flirts def doesn't mean the ratbag's single!

I'd agree that you're best not to just come out and ask him without testing the waters as he may have a girlfriend and the last thing you want to do is embarrass yourself and him. BUT of course one finds out if someone's single by asking! Why play games? Do it in a friendly way, and if he is then go from there. Have a little flirt and see if he reciprocates. You wouldn't be looking desperate, why would you? Take it slowly but I'd say go for it!

evolucy7 · 21/11/2010 19:37

Thanks everyone for some productive input!

whiteandnerdy...good plan! Luckily my kids seem to love swimming, despite the fact the youngest just doesn't do as she's told she still wants to go, so I'm sure we'll be going for while (hopefully!) My poor children will be being forced to have private lessons with him if they move out of his group lesson if I haven't established interest or not soon!

Niceguy, He knows my name because he has rung me several times and I have left messages to arrange the private lesson, so it was a not a case of showing interest to know my name. He has rung me and asked how are you at the start of the conversation before talking about swimming. When my daughters go swimming with school a lot of the parents go and watch, and he has been there once and walked along the balcony and stopped to talk to me, he didn't need to I wouldn't have even seem him he could have walked past behind us, or even just said hello and carried on.

Perhaps if I just kept getting loads of private lessons for the youngest he might get the message, how many 3 year olds really need to swim so desperately!

Yes it is his job to be nice to me obviously, but that also makes me think he might think it is inappropriate to show obvious interest as he my daughters' instructor, what if I was horrified and complained about him!

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lowercase · 21/11/2010 20:18

i would comment that you think he is really good with children, add that you like them to have some regular, positive male input...give him bags of opportunity to reveal his personal life and expose your own situation.

sod all the 'rules' stuff, life is too short.

evolucy7 · 21/11/2010 20:29

Good ideas thanks Grin Actually it really is good that they have the positive male input!

So I'll just get on with talking to him as you say Wink

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evolucy7 · 21/11/2010 23:17

I can see my children growing up saying 'Mummy why did we have to swimming so much when we were younger?' Hey at least they'll be good swimmers Grin

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evolucy7 · 22/11/2010 21:04

Well...having left a message for Dave, the swimming instructor to arrange the next private lesson, he has just rung me back, he is at work as Duty Manager tonight.
He started off saying Hi there, how are you? We have arranged the next lesson, he said that he was not at work this weekend but would have been happy to come in if I wanted,(coming in on his Saturday off thought that was promising) but we have agreed the next weekend, as I said the children go and stay with their Dad this weekend! (So got that bit in) Once the lesson was arranged he asked how my other daughter was as he teaches her also, to me this seems promising but then I've had a glass or two of wine! So then we talked about water polo as my eldest had insisted we watched the match that was going on in the main pool when we were there last saturday. Then when we finished he said I'll see on Tuesday then (when they have their group lessons with him)So....roll on Tuesday Wink

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Niceguy2 · 22/11/2010 21:41

lol Good luck Evo. Hope it all goes...swimmingly well for you. Sorry couldn't resist that one! Grin

evolucy7 · 22/11/2010 21:57

lol.....I assume Niceguy you are a guy? Do you think it sounds promising as a guy? After the third glass of wine I'm getting braver and braver...was thinking of asking him tomorrow if he has a direct number to call to arrange lessons as I have to leave a message and then he calls back.....the bloody women on the desk we'll think I'm stalking him soon!

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Niceguy2 · 22/11/2010 22:20

To be honest I can't tell from what you've told me so far.

There are a few IOI's there such as offering to come in on his day off & coming to talk to you when he didn't have to.

But then again, it could all be just him being a friendly guy.

I'd say since you've already got in that you are a LP and the kids are away this weekend, if conversation permits, casually ask him if he has plans for the weekend. If you can, get it in that you are free this weekend. Let him take the bait.

Either he will in which case you are golden. Or he won't in which case he's:

a) Not interested
b) Unavailable
c) Not confident enough
d) Thick
e) Gay

None of which are appealing.

If you are feeling particularly brave and want to go for broke, have a leaflet/flyer in your hand when you see him. Then make a small joke about how the women on the desk will think you are stalking him soon so here's YOUR number if he wants to call to arrange lessons. Then write it on the leaflet.

If he still doesn't call after that then he's definitely a) But that does require a lot of self confidence and does make for an embarrassing situation later if he doesn't call.

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