Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

@Nunu90 would be lonelier and likely have less support as a parent if she moved to Texas with her H than if she chose to stay in the UK and he took the job, whether or not they stay married.

I say that as someone who was also a married single parent.

Regarding being ‘open to the opportunity’, this may or (more likely) may not be ‘an opportunity’ for you and the DC. It could be the opposite, with many factors determining what happens being outside your control.

If your H has the skills and CV to be offered this role he undoubtedly has other options closer to home.

In the scenario of living in the US for 5 years then divorce would you be legally able to return to the UK with the DC without your H’s agreement?

To anyone @ me, I have just arrived at work. I finish at 6pm this evening, so I’ll aim to respond then if it’s prudent.

Didn’t mean to like that one post, sorry!

Good luck op.

(haven't read the full thread, just OP replies. Apologies if this has been already covered ad nauseum)

Under no circumstances would I want to be pregnant anywhere in the United States, but especially not in Texas. If, God forbid, you end up with life threatening complications you could end up in front of medics who are too afraid of being prosecuted to do what is necessary save your life. The fact that your husband apparently has not considered this would be deeply worrying for me.

Stand your ground.

I think if you go for a visit you will be further bulldozed into it.

I'd actually stop all talk of it now. You still don't even know the package.

I'd just say no, refuse to engage further. He's refusing to engage with you after all.

It's ironic how many people on the thread aren't really listening to the OP's concerns.

I daresay we'll get to 1000 posts before I'm online again, so I'll just say good luck to you @Nunu90, I hope he pulls himself together and starts working with you as a team on this, and best of luck with your pregnancy.

I agree with this. I haven't seen anything that shows it could be amazing for the OP or her children. She will be living in a country she doesn't want to live in, she will have to leave her job that she likes to possibly work for the same company as her husband which she doesn't want. She will be living in an extremely right wing state where women have no choice to decide what happens with their own bodies and she will be taking her children info an environment where guns are considered appropriate house warming gifts.
The Ops husband has a well paid job here OP has a support network and friends she will be wholly depended on her husband and the company he works for there
What could be amazing about the move for her?

Negotiate a compromise as many expats do.
Partner goes for ahead, settles in a smaller housing option. Trailing spouse visits 1-2 times and they decide.

Living in anywhere as an expat, is always different. Many go to Dubai, Doha, Singapore, HK and survive the various culture crises. IMO Texas preferable to Dubai/Doha/
But if you preference is to stay in little Britain, without even really exploring the possibility, or visiting, good for you.

What a nasty message to a woman who is pregnant and struggling.

OP, prioritize YOUR mental health and the health of your baby. No one else is.

But if you[r] preference is to stay in little Britain, without even really exploring the possibility, or visiting, good for you.

Patronising, much?

I know! And to use the phrase “Little Britain” when the alternative is… Texas 🤣🤣

Also OP has made it quite clear she doesn’t want to spend life as a “trailing spouse”, and who could blame her? Her wants and needs are equally important, not everyone is happy to spend life following a man around the world.

What a patronising, awful thing to say to someone.

Quite aside from the fact not wanting to live in a y of the places you've listed doesn't make someone small minded, her husband is showing serious red flags in terms of behaviour and you're criticising her? Are you serious?

Not only a nasty post but also one that doesn't reflect what the OP has said at all.

@CraftyYankee thank you, that did feel like a particularly unhelpful comment.

@Nunu90 ignore the all the cool wives here who are prepared to be trailing expats. I believe you need to just say no,’ I’m not moving. I’ve thought about it and if it’s what you really want, you’ll have to go on your own’. Don’t agree to any trips to Texas. Don’t allow him to bully or guilt you into a relocation that you don’t want.

I’m a homebody who has never had any desire to live or work abroad. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay put in an area that you like and can afford to live in!

@Nunu90 I know it must be really tough reading post after post criticizing your husband and calling him abusive (esp when your mental health isn't great anyway due to your high-risk pregnancy), but I think it's worth taking a long hard look at your relationship and how he treats you, and thinking about where you want your relationship to be in 5, 10, 20 years.

I get the impression you're not used to telling him no, which would explain why you're struggling to assert yourself and also - sadly - why he's being so pushy and horrible, and not taking your needs or feelings into account. Do you have an equal say in the relationship, are you ever able to disagree with him or do you fall into the habit of letting him have his way to 'keep the peace'?

The comment about you 'trapping' him is awful, he sounds like a moody teenager stamping his foot because he's not getting his way. It would upset me so much if my DH saw me and our DD as a millstone around his neck holding him back, rather than his much-loved and cherished family.

I agree if you go on the 'fact-finding' trip, you've pretty much agreed to the move as he will push and push until he convinces you.

Sending you many un-mumsnetty hugs and support, but please hold firm, and remember as pp have said, you are not being unreasonable in wanting to maintain your status quo - he is the one who has to do the work to convince you to make this huge life change.

This is really difficult.. it is clear that this is not for you, not for the family and not with the best interests of your children at heart.

I am a trailing spouse, that had a high paying career but a desire to stay at home with my children. I was hurt when my partner did not want to take the opportunity to stay home with them instead - it was a good opportunity - so I decided to leave my job and follow his. I then hoped that I would start part time work, at a point that worked for the kids and I, but we moved again - I was 100% in favour of the move - but I did not know how much it would affect me, much further down the line. I retrained, but my husband made a choice about where we live based on his ego and not what was right for my future earning perspectives or for the children.

Now, I am 50, earn very little (15k per year), rely on my husband for everything and at this age, have very little chance of having a career. It has left me feeling unfulfilled. I love the place we live and wonder if I should have pushed harder to make a career for myself, but my kids always seemed to have needed me and I wanted to be a SAHM for quite a while - I just thought it would be easier to find a way back.... and it is not. I am not alone...

@MindatWork thank you so much for the support. I think he has always belittled my contributions and is very much of the ilk that he pays for most things, and our life is where it is because of him. I know what that sounds like and have been mindful of it for a while.

Ha ha, as if any of those places (with the possible exception of Singapore, if you can manage the climate) is preferable to living in the UK!

But presumably he earns that money because you support him to do so.

If you were not having to support him, I assume you could also pursue a more financially lucrative career.

This with bells on.

I think it's important to note that Britain isn't always 'the best' - but that it may be the best for your particular circumstances at that time. None of us can know other people's/partners personalities just from a few postings or how reasonable someone might be if an overseas posting isn't working out for a family and where children are involved makes it even more complicated- especially young children . It's a very different thing going somewhere as a couple or a single person or in a very strong marriage with multiple experience of relocations and teens etc. in this case it's even more complicated by not knowing the exact package in great detail- I'm not suprised the OP is wary, I would be too and that's not because I think 'there's nowhere like home' - we went to Copenhagen for 2 years but Asa much older couple , with a business we could do from various places and did I think it was better than UK ? To be honest lifestyle wise yes I did- we came back for practical reasons related to older parents and some work related things - but it didn't involve me even having to think about Hague convention or pulling kids out of school when settled or needing to find new schools or new employment etc - the idea of just go, you can always just come back is nonsense. If he's insistent I would let him go on his own for a year, insist he pays the mortgage whilst away and see how it goes.

It's entirely relevant if her second child is born there?

I think the most worrying thing for me, OP, is the fact that it looks like your DH is not being open and honest with you about what is happening. Various posters have said that his current story doesn't make sense and that sets really loud alarm bells ringing because he seems to be trying to manipulate you by lying at this stage. As a trailing spouse you feel very reliant on your partner and I found this very uncomfortable, even knowing I could trust them entirely. Moving abroad with someone who isn't necessarily going to be truthful would be a total no for me.

In your position I wouldn't go either. If he wants to go that much, he can go on his own. This decision shouldn't just be about him, he has a wife and children to consider, and he isn't thinking about you. Your career matters as well. I'd be very wary of not being able to move back to the UK with the children without his permission, and he doesn't sound like he's the sort of person to give it.

So can she come back to the UK with her children easily then, her DH can't stop her taking them?