Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Advice isn’t going to get much better than this op.

I’ve lived in Houston (Katy actually) since 2010. The number one topic of conversation whenever you meet a fellow Brit is how we couldn’t imagine ever going back to the cramped conditions and shitty weather in the UK. It’s hot, humid, full of bible bashers and pick up driving republicans, huge bugs but to compensate for all this you have the rodeo, huge house with a pool, friendly people, lots of amenities and in general a big upgrade in lifestyle.
i would draw up an agreement it’s a temporary move and he won’t prevent you from moving back with the kids whenever you want to.
you only get the right to work on certain visas like an L2 not the H ones.
figure out your credit as they don’t count your uk rating unless your bank has a branch over here.
once it’s come up, if you don’t do it you'll
always wonder what if.

How do you know it will be a mistake ?
It will bring new experiences some.good some not so good.
Open you to meeting new people and opportunities to travel different areas.

It really shouldn't be the end of your marriage.

You are making yourself more anxious than it needs to be.

OP, moving doesn’t sound in the best interests of you and your children. Your marriage sounds a little shaky at the moment too. You sit DH down tonight and tell him that the stress of the decision is making you feel ill. You don’t want to go and that’s that. He isnt ‘trapped’ - you built a life together that now he wants to force you to leave. You would most likely be miserable with no friends, no childcare and possibly permanently stuck somewhere you don’t want to be in Trump land with no gun control, no NHS… it really shows what kind of power your husband has over you that you’re even still considering this.

what an excellent practical post

Think it’s not ‘recommended’ as such, but suggesting he goes alone is possibly the only option. And completely common amongst professional families - I have several friends who’s partners are based overseas and return weekends or one week a month and do so for 3-5 years to ensure the kid’s needs are met and because they are constrained by tax rules.

Remember the husband moved OP previously and started a family in their ‘forever’ home. The couple did not plan an overseas placement, discuss it as a ‘one day’ dream. It was not something she had any interest in as she thought she was settled with children, friends, family, a dog and a job with career potential… and her home.

He never approached her to discuss the process prior to being offered. He has not given information on what the expat package offers. He’s not provided any reassurance that she can continue her career/get a visa in the US. She is in a fragile pregnancy after previous losses and this is also impacting her mental health (as a person who had 5 miscarriages between my children I empathise). It also means that she has concerns about where her child is born, who she needs to support her (friends and family), costs associated with that in the US (she will not likely be covered by a new policy if she is already pregnant, the Guardians sites £32k as the cost of delivering in a US hospital, and this does not include after care, health visitors etc). At this point it could be NY, Hollywood, Paris or Rome. It’s not the location. It’s the fact is involves moving at all.

I can’t see why some people seem to feel OP is being rigid and short-sighted - why they can’t see that this ‘opportunity’ is not one for her because she has never wanted, planned or dreamed of living in the US. It is one thing to be leaving an unhappy life, crap job, shitty run-down town and a ramshackle house on the offer of an escape. But she is being asked to give up an otherwise perfect life for the unknown, on her husband’s whim.

@Nunu90

Bottom line, your husband has lied, perhaps by omission, but he's lied and not given you all the facts regarding this move. I wouldn't take the chance that the things he's lied about/omitted are the issues that would make me say 'No way!'.

Again, I wouldn't move to Tx if you paid me a million dollars. The state of women's healthcare is dire and may get worse after the election. I needn't go into specifics, they're all over the US news. The state of education is dire with ultra-conservative parents being elected to school boards then forcing school districts to teach things that are not only false, but dangerous.

There is a concerted effort by the GOP and conservative groups to get 'their' candidates elected to 'down ballot' offices with the idea that pushing their agendas in 'small' ways through city councils, school boards, and county offices will result in changes to policies regarding immigrants, healthcare, and school curricula.

As far as the Hague convention goes, it does not apply only to US citizen parents or US citizen children, it has to do with habitual residence. Under the Constitution, anyone has the right to seek redress via the courts. So yes, if you were to go and the children became 'habitually resident' (which the court determines using pretty 'wide' criteria) you would not be allowed to take them back to the UK. And remember, if you were to go to the US before the new baby comes, that child will be a US citizen from the moment of its birth. You cannot 'opt out' of that on your child's behalf.

Think hard and think long. If it were me and my DH were to propose a move to another country and we had young children, I wouldn't do it simply based on Hague.

Just maybe …

OP is the manipulative one

I honestly think that people read threads like this and don't actually believe that there is a real living human being behind them.

I’m not surprised you are confused.

You had this idea of who your dh is, which included having the FAMIKY best interest at heart, including yours.
And somehow he is destroying that himself through his comments - from you being a weight on his neck to the fact your lifestyle is all down to him etc….

Your biggest problem here is to know who is the real him. And it will always be hard to accept the real him is who he is showing you to be now.

fwiw Ive been in a similar situation re a move.
dh insisted for many months. It was REALLY important for him. It was also an impossible move for me.
I found it extremely hard to say NO to him. Mainly because I felt guilty taking away something important to him.
But you know what. Dh never guilt tripped me. He never called me names or put me down. He found it hard but accepted my answer. We’re still living in the same place.
When it comes to decisions like this, love shouldn't be the determining factor imo. Needs are. Boundaries on what you see acceptable or not are.
Dont throw your needs away for the sake of ‘love’ and caring/being nice to him.

😂😂😂

I'm still perplexed that he's expecting an answer without having a package in front of him. Is that not just standard for even contemplating a job? How would anyone be expected to agree to such a big move without the whole picture.

Given the background, I think it would be perfectly fair to say no, you’ve sprung this on me, it’s not what we agreed and I don’t want to go.
Another option might be to go for a trial 3-4 months after your second DC is born and during maternity leave (so that DC2 is a British citizen, your maternal healthcare and delivery is in the hands of the NHS, you still have your job), but have an agreement that if you don’t like it he won’t try to stop you coming back with the kids. In that case I would take legal advice about whether he could stop you returning with the children as habitual residents under Hague, following what @AcrossthePond55 said above. Could you trust him not to bully you out of any deal?
it sounds like you’ve made a few accommodations for his career in the past, maybe it’s his turn to make a sacrifice for you.

She's not making herself more anxious then it needs to be, her husband's refusal to request and provide the required information, and his bullying attitude is causing the poor woman to be anxious.

You might love it though. Speaking as an ex army wife who travelled when my dc were very young. ( newborn and 18 months ) we moved around and didn’t have a house to keep. You could give it a go but a fair go though. You would need two years to settle and decide if you are happy or not. Also you have to decide to embrace it if you go. If you go with a negative mindset it won’t work. But at the end of the day you will have a house to come back to so you are not losing anything. Real friends will still be there! Mine were. This could split your marriage long term if you won’t compromise. Do you want him blaming you for him not going? It’s all very well people saying put your foot down but his life is just as valid as yours. If you give him the two years you first child will only be 5. Now is the perfect time to take that leap. Good luck with whatever you decide together x

Go for it, you will always wonder the What if otherwise, can always come back

Coming to this late I know but we moved from uk to USA and we needed to know the package - salary/flights home/relaxation expenses /health insurance
Not all health insurances are the same - my advice would be to not accept Kaiser as friends have not done well with this but again it depend on the package with each insurer
At least one flight home a year to be covered - we got business class at the start but after 4 years that stopped
PayPal for shipping of house contents ( estimate a 40 ft container for a 3 or 4 bed house) and temp accommodation while waiting on container - also get it in contract that they will ship your stuff home - this can be costly
Salary will depend on area - look at housing costs and if you will want an international school and therefore feees on top
The every day cost of groceries seems higher to me here but it's been years since we have lived in the uk - message me if you want more info

Relocation not relaxation!

@Nunu90 we relocated to Houston for 2 years with work, and while we didnt have childeren at the time, others we moved out with at the same time had children whilst out there.
It was the best two years and we look back with fond memories. We also made lifelong friends whilst there who we still see. There is a large expat community out there lots of Brits (especially Scottish) and travel within the US is very easy, so access to some great and varied locations for holidays.

My ex H got offered a 5 year contract in US many years ago. I was all for it, kids were 10 and 3. He was worried about his parents (age health etc etc) and eventually turned it down. It's something we regrettedfor ever after. He hated his job here but stuck with it as his pension was going to be big. 20+ years later, kids grown and left and we divorced because he was a miserable, boring, unloving, controlling that. His parents lived for many more years mine did not. I've visited Texas on many occasions and compared to the UK life canbe great. My bf took a short term jobinUS many years ago and never came back. Their standard of is living fabulous compared to the UK and even though has a property here can't see her evet coming back. It's an opportunity that you may regret not taking and your DH may resent you but you have to both be agreed on what you do.

I left england for two years with my husband on the promise that we would come back. 35 years later we were still travelling the world. There was always another great job offer. We are now back but it took me threatening to come back by myself before it happened. And yes it was a sideways job move and less salary but I had enough of sacrificing my happiness.