Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

Of course! If they get divorced in USA and he takes specific legal action which must be agreed by family judge, then he can prevent (if she is some kind of risk).

Really, according to MN voices she should get divorced now. So can keep her kids at home, get an abortion if she wants, and avoid red state people with guns.

Quick one as I’m on lunch break.

So is the general consensus that op should:

1. Stay at home with children alone
2. Send her husband abroad for (did I read correctly) 3 years
3. Resign herself to him possibly not wanting to come back after that and the very realistic possibility of divorce.

And that’s the happiest outcome?

The people who are happy to have husbands working abroad I assume you are genuinely happy with the arrangement?

Op, would you be happy with this?

Or do you want to keep him here?

Totally agree - I think the purpose of suggesting he go alone is so that he can’t accuse the OP of tying him down, but it’s not exactly ideal!! Then again, I seem to be in the minority on MN in that I actually like my husband.

I wouldn’t agree to him going by himself either. I mean, he could but I’d consider our marriage to be over.

Off peak (term time) you can find really cheap flights, just a few hundred pound per person return.

Occasionally, maybe, indirect, but certainly Uk> Houston or vice versa, non-stop, certainly as I recall it is a big business route ( oil), so not particular cheap or seasonal..more than happy to be corrected of it has all changed.

IMO you’d have to be thinking in the order of spending the best part of £1000, plus/minus, for a non-stop return a lot of the time…which amongst other things might make the idea that was floated a while back of the DH doing two weeks UK, two weeks US very expensive.

@Flutterbycustard @Newposter180 it's really difficult. Of course, I don't want my husband to be away from us. But I feel there's not many other options in terms of compromise? If this is what he truly wants, but not what I want and something I cannot in good conscience agree to for the sake of my own wellbeing and my son's, then I can't force him to stay...

I feel there is going to be a lot of resentment over me not agreeing to this, but I know it will be a mistake if I go.

Don’t you think that’s pretty horrible to suggest, when you know the ops biggest anxiety is miscarrying her much wanted baby after other baby loss? I do. Would you say that in real life to an acquaintance if you knew their history and anxiety over not losing this baby? I imagine not.

@Codlingmoths I thought that was spectacularly awful too - good grief

What a deeply unpleasant and unhelpful response. I had a friend an acquaintance like you once, she was ghastly too. She was no loss to Britain either. I never found out what had happened that made her so spiteful.

Third time I'm suggesting this, and I promise it will be the last. Why not have a few marriage counselling sessions where you can have a calm and mediated conversation about how satisfied you both are with your life here and what your hopes and goals are for the future and how you can communicate about them?

Whatever happens - whether you both stay, whether you both go or whether he goes and you stay - it seems like it would be a good idea to try talking to each other productively.

That’s really sad op. I do feel for you.

I know it’s cliched, but do you think couples counselling could help you both communicate over this and come to an arrangement?

What if he put it into writing and had it witnessed by a solicitor that the move was time limited and you retained rights to bring the children home?

Would he really stop you bringing the children back? E.g. if you were leaving, could he honestly keep them there with him, if he’s working?

Because this is such a sensitive issue, for both of you, you’ll have to reach a compromise if you want to save your marriage.

I don’t mean to pry and you can tell me to do one, but I couldn’t bare to be away from my husband. He’s my perfect guy. I’d move to the ends of the earth for him. Are there other issues in your marriage anyway, that are making you nervous about moving with him? Do you trust him to keep to the set time if that were a compromise? Do you generally, outside of this situation feel he has your best interests at heart. Or is part of this that you don’t want to be isolated away, with someone whom you don’t fully trust right now?

Moving house is stressful even for very happy, secure couples. Let alone moving countries away from your support system.

So the idea of moving to a new country with an unsupportive and belittling partner (which your husband sounds like) who sees you as his inferior, is not worth considering IMO. Especially as you would be financially reliant on him and no doubt he would remind you of that at every opportunity.

Your relationship dynamic doesn't sound healthy at all. He doesn't sound like a fundamentally kind partner.

I am assuming its an oil company if it has to be Texas.
Your husband's employer will have a relocations team.
Ask to talk to them.
He may be cagey because he does not know and feels embarrased to ask his boss about boring household stuff.

As I said up thread, a friend who went through it (with her husbands oil company) found the HR team a huge help as they are used to it all.

@Mookytoo

Really, according to MN voices she should get divorced now. So can keep her kids at home, get an abortion if she wants, and avoid red state people with guns.

What a genuinely fucking awful thing to say on a thread started by an OP who has shared her history of miscarriages and her anxiety around her current pregnancy.

Any written agreement over child custody and residence would have no validity in a court of law, in the US or the UK, even if notarized by the Pope. It just isn't a thing as it's decided at the time of separation in the best interest of the child. I wouldn't want to put my future in the hands of a Texas court.

I would strongly advise against counseling. OPs H is a manipulative type and joint counseling is never recommended with those.

OP, go with your gut. With a high risk pregnancy even going to look should be off the table.

@Flutterbycustard He does have our best interests at heart, I know he does. But I do think there is an element of wanting to get the promotion for his own ego.

Being honest, I don't entirely trust that the three years will be enough, if he enjoys the job and I don't want to be there. Already in conversations, he's mentioned returning when x colleague retires so he can consider that position. I said I don't want to base my life around one of his colleagues retiring. I can't see him wanting to return to a backwards step in his career, or even a sidestep.

The handling of all of this has put more doubts into my mind. I've had a lot of hurtful comments thrown my way and it's pushed me even further away from a 'yes'.

I think your post is a bit little bit disingenious @Flutterbycustard.

The people saying she should let him go alone are largely responding to all OP's red flag-laden updates about how he generally treats her and the imbalance in their relationship - which, no offence OP, demonstrate that there are serious problems in their marriage anyway. Should she sacrifice herself and her happiness to move abroad and become 100% dependent on a man who obviously doesn't value her or her contribution to their family? Who views her and his child a 'trap' who are stopping him from chasing his dreams, rather than the centre of his world?

I have seen this dynamic on here time and time again, sadly. He is the man with a BIG JOB and she is the little woman with her little job, and isn't he wonderful in supporting her to have such a lovely life looking after their children. He obviously views her as a appendage to himself, not a person in her own right, with her own hopes and dreams.

As I see it, the general consensus is that OP's DH should:

1. Be understanding about her initial reluctance, talk through her fears or reservations and try and get answers to her questions - not bully, sulk or accuse her or 'trapping him' because she didn't immediately agree to pack up her life and move halfway across the world

2. Not disregard her fears about her health or try to pressurise her into travelling for a visit when she's extremely nervous about being pregnant after a miscarriage and her mental health isn't great

3. Provide her with all the information she needs to make an informed decision (package, healthcare, housing allowance, visas etc) - he will not do this.

If OP had posted saying her husband wanted to move to the US for work and had done all the things listed above, she would have got very different responses.

It’s nice to say you’d move to the ends of the earth for your DH, but surely the point is that if there was absolutely nothing in it for you, he wouldn’t ask you to?!

For me and my husband, there simply isn’t an opportunity/package/salary in the world that could be good enough to accept living apart for any length of time, but obviously everyone is different in that respect.

AND she has said that he has gaslighted her on other occasions and refused or is unable to answer her practical questions on the relocation.

I would strongly advise against counseling. OPs H is a manipulative type and joint counseling is never recommended with those.

We don't know either of these people. We are being presented with a one-sided version of several days of unproductive conversations. I agree, OP's husband sounds like a twat in this, but when two people who have made a life together are at an impasse where they want different things and neither seems willing or able to listen to the other, and the solutions at hand are quite drastic, what else do you suggest?

@thatwasthen81 Being honest, I am very confused at the moment about what is happening with my life, so of course, there are going to be contradictions in my mind.

Of course there are. Try not to listen to the extremists - you are clearly going through a lot and need to stop and think, to ask questions, to have multiple conversations with your husband. It sounds like he is acting like a twat but we don't know everything that is going on in your life, in his life, and in your marriage.

Hopefully you can take the helpful bits of this thread in the spirit that they have been given - namely looking for clarity on the package he has been offered, going to visit Texas (if you want to) before any decisions can be made, talking a LOT about the future and how this might impact you and your family, the pros, the cons (of course there are both), what you want, what he wants, and then talking lots more (those of us who have made the move overseas can confirm that there were many months, even years, of conversations before any move was made) and try to come to a decision that you are both happy with.

If he cannot give you the details, the space, the time and the support as you go through this enormous decision, then you might have the answer right there.