Husband got offered a new job in US

[Nunu90]

My DH has been offered a huge promotion in the US (Texas) and wants to relocate there. He says it would be temporary but I am aware that could change as it is a permanent position and he might not want to return to the UK if he likes it there.

I am currently pregnant (early) with our second child, and DS is almost 3. My job doesn't pay as much as his by any stretch, but I've finally started earning a decent wage and am moving up the ranks at work. I get good holidays, good maternity leave, we have a good network of family and friends around us and live in a beautiful countryside village. I love our life at the moment.

I feel we're at a complete stalemate. He is adamant we'd be making the biggest mistake of our lives if we do not go and 'at least try it out'. On the other hand, the thought of moving to Texas fills me with doom, and doesn't excite me at all. I hate the idea of uprooting my son from everyone and everything he knows, and sending him to school there. DH is adamant I can find a new job, but if all is well with this pregnancy, I'd be expected to move very soon after giving birth and can see I'd end up a SAHM ex-pat for a while.

He is paid well over here, and we are comfortable, but he is panicking about the cost of living here. He's convinced if we move to the US. we can return home with a chunk of our mortgage paid off (not selling the house).

I am just so worried and this decision is weighing heavily on me. Initially his company gave us two weeks to decide (!) and I said no. He was upset, and relayed this message to the person who offered him the job, who then insisted he wanted DH to do the job and that we can take 'more time' to think about it with visits, speaking to colleague's families, etc. I felt that his boss didn't get the answer that he wanted, so basically gave more time for me to be persuaded into something I said no to.

I have relayed my worries to DH about Texas specifically (laws on women's health care, gun laws, etc) and he thinks I am being very negative about it all and that I am 'creating issues'. He insists that 'everyone' has told him the area we'd move to is a very safe, gated neighbourhood. His US colleagues live in this area, and again, this concerns me that my only initial contact with new people will be through his work.

Am I being completely closed to a good opportunity, or am I being unreasonable? I feel a bit trapped and a bit coerced at the moment. I do not want to go but feel as though I am being left with little choice on the matter...

I follow this English lady married to an American who has moved her family, including dog, back to England after living in America for years. Maybe watch some of her videos www.tiktok.com/@mummysflippinhouse?_t=8qlHATChhZp&_r=1

I would go in a heartbeat (just got into a freezing cold house and it’s dark / raining outside), especially if your DH got a decent enough package so you could have a nice life BUT YANBU to not want to go, you’re feelings are just as valid as his. If you don’t want to go, don’t be forced into it.

Personally I would go with a timeframe. I went to the ME with 3 children under 5. We were staying for 2 years. 10 years later… We also did Asia inbetween, travelled around, met amazing people, who are life long friends, as they become your family. I regret moving back to the UK.

The hypocrisy and double standards on this site are astounding! A while ago, when a woman was talking about her career and wanting to move, her husband was slated for not supporting her and her promotion.

If it helps we know four families who relocated for work in Houston. All of them loved it so much they extended their time there. As others have said you will need ensure package includes visa support for you so you can work if you so choose and full private health cover. It’s actually a lovely city bar the fact you have driver everywhere

Could you wait to see who wins the election in a fortnight before coming to a decision? If it's Trump, there's no way I would be considering relocating, and perhaps even your husband would have second thoughts. If (please God) it's Kamala, there are real fears that the transition won't be peaceful and could even end in some sort of civil war. Neither is a very inviting prospect.

All those who are sharing their good experiences of living in Texas, and Houston in particular, I wonder how long ago that was? I think things have changed a lot in that state in the past decade, or five years, even, and am certain that it would not be somewhere I would like to move to these days. It would scare me silly for many of the reasons the OP mentions.

Might have missed this but can you work? I wouldn’t go anywhere I couldn’t work. What a complicated equation. Your maternity leave, working, the rise in salary, him being away, the dog (take the dog).

Another thing that occurs to me - I bet he’d be penny pinching once you were all out there and he realised that he wouldn’t be rolling in it and paying off half your UK mortgage. It would be miserable enough for all the reasons rehearsed at length on this thread, but if he was also making you ask for every penny you needed to have a decent life, it would be even worse.

Make him ask those questions. They are valid questions.

I feel for you, and I would like to deeply underline your instincts as correct. Texas is the last place I would take my children or myself right now. Living in a gated community cannot protect you and your children from school shootings, denial of reproductive care — even in life threatening situations—, or from the overwhelming upheaval that the US is going through at the moment. I am writing to you as a Texan. Trust your instincts. It is a scary time for the US as a whole, and TX is one of the most acute places.

Sending you loads of care and positive energy. I hope you and your husband are able to keep circling this conversation till it feels like a fair, fully informed one centered in mutual care. Hugs.

HRTFT however I would jump at the chance.
You only live once OP.
It could be the making of you.
If not you can come back.
What an opportunity!

This could split your marriage long term if you won’t compromise.

I've followed this thread from the very beginning and I'm struggling to see what you're referring to when you speak of "compromise". A compromise means both parties give some ground and both parties gain something they want. What you're suggesting here is that the OP complies with her DH's increasingly manipulative demands and does something that she absolutely doesn't want to do (and in many ways would be objectively unwise to do).

In what sense would that be a compromise?

For what it's worth, my parents had a very similar situation to you when I was a teenager (90s) and we went to Houston for three years from Scotland (including our cat). I LOVED it. We had a fabulous life there and I still keep in touch with friends from high school 30+ years on. I was at a private school (paid for by the company) and my Mum enjoyed a good ex-pat lifestyle. Yes, it's bloody hot and humid from May-Oct. But winter and spring are lovely. Houston is a great city with beautiful houses, great restaurants (tex mex is fabulous), museums, Space stuff, and a thriving community. Huge green spaces with lots of trees. Shopping is fantastic and I loved living there, so much so, that I seriously considered applying to university once I finished school back in the UK as I missed it so much. It shaped a lot of who I am today and I love going back when I can (not often now as it's a long way to fly). I think your husband needs to get more information on the package and what it can offer before you totally rule it out. You may never want to return...!

The fact that you describe yourself as an “army wife” actually makes me bristle and it is just a fact that some people (myself included) could never ever get on board with a life where they are a permanent +1 and everything revolves around the husband and his job.
Aside from that, two years is a hell of a long time to “settle” when you could be living two years of a life you are already really happy with!

My DH came home and gave me 5 days to decide to relocate to a European country with our 3 small children. I also felt filled with doom and I was so upset as I live in a lovely place in our forever home, have a great support network and I like my life here all similar to you. There were other reasons too due to my children. It caused huge fights with us as he couldn’t see my side and I couldn’t see his. He’s relocated and we have stayed here. It’s not as easy to do that with the distance America is. You need to think about what you want too as I knew if I went then I would end up resenting him for everything I’ve had to give up which would have ended badly for our relationship.

How is that a compromise? That’s just DH getting what he wants. There’s no compromise here.

OP could also go, be miserable and then risk DH refusing her to leave the country with the children. That would cause major resentment too, not to mention the fact that she doesn’t want to leave her career and not work for 3 years which may be non negotiable depending on the visa.

It sounds like OP would have to give up almost everything. That’s not a compromise at all.

I would go!! I have lived and worked in US and its great. You would be on maternity leave so you could take a year to see what it's like.

It sounds like this would be a very bad idea for you, op.
Unless you continue to live in your house here and visit each other for a given period, say 2 or 3 years.
So your kids are not taken off you if you want to return.

I’m not going to reiterate a lot of good points in this thread, but I do have an employers perspective. I work in an oil and gas adjacent large corporate and we regularly send senior staff overseas. A non UK stint is considered essential to move into the executive level.

• these are usually secondments not permanent roles with fixed term commitments. There is no point paying someone’s relocation costs and seeing them swan off to another employer.
• it’s well recognised that international secondments fail because the family is unhappy not because of employee issues. As a result, a lot of effort goes into supporting the trailing spouse and any kids. This can include a couple of (no commitment) pre move visits, relationships with schools, real estate viewings and support, relocation services, etc.
• the package is very, very negotiable to fit individual family needs.

Not all companies are the same but your husband’s offer sounds like he has applied for a job advertised internally rather than a targeted overseas offer. Maybe that fits with your earlier comments about him never managing to settle and always looking for the next thing? In that case he will not necessarily be able to return when X retires and if he does he may not have continuous services etc so will have a whole new contract.

And finally, I mentioned that I am in an energy adjacent sector. We are very international and cheerfully second families to all sorts of Gulf states, Singapore, etc. However we currently have a moratorium on secondment to the Houston offices due to concerns about the social and political environment. We are also seriously considering offering female staff in the Houston the opportunity to relocate to other offices within the US. I know we are not the only organisation having these discussions.

I am British and have lived in the US South at various points for a few years. It is a wonderful place to live and I would take all the scaremongering with a heavy dose of salt. My best friend lives in Texas and has raised a family there. They are all fairly liberal and her daughter is at university in New York with friends from all kinds of backgrounds, they do not own guns, are racial minorities, and do not experience any problems. The US is generally a liberal place but the British press does like to stoke stereotypes about rednecks and fascists, etc. We have bigots here too! The cities in Texas, especially Houston and Austin, are much more liberal than the western and more rural parts of the state in any case. The cost of living is very low in Texas - you will be able to buy a much bigger house, petrol and food and clothes are all much cheaper.

I wonder whether your DH might go on a trial basis alone, get a feel for the place, you could go out on visits for vacation and get to know the place a little before making a commitment? You could look at houses and at job prospects for yourself and schools for the kids. Do you think he might consider this? It is a big decision and when we have young children, we are more worried about unfamiliar things but it might be the best thing you ever do - and you will have each other. Texans are incredibly friendly! I say give it a try; see if DH will agree to come home to the UK if you really hate it after, a year or two. It is actually the best time to leave because once the kids are in school proper, it is harder to move.

Bristle away! 2 years is a tiny amount of time in your whole Life!. I never felt left out I had fun and made good friends. It’s just a term of phrase.
honestly even though it was a long time ago I don’t regret joining my husband. We have been together 40 years. Stop making it out as if we were treated like slaves and not able to speak for ourselves!
op you could have a contract between the two of you to say that he won’t stop you taking you children out of the country but surely as they are British that wouldn’t happen and keep enough for a ticket home in a separate account if you think your husband would stop you returning home.
personally I think if you think he would do that you might just as well get out now !

Feel free to message me if you have any questions. My wife and I have done this multiple times between the US and UK including shipping containers for our things and flying pets.

A few things to consider especially with his package:

1. I'm not sure where you are in the UK, but broadly speaking you will find Texas about 25 to 30% more expensive for staples and housing unless you are living in a very expensive part of the UK like London or Bristol. However.....you will likely be paying less taxes as well. It won't wash out completely but that 30% might shrink to 10-15%. You also get alot more out of the housing. (By the way, this wasn't always the case...when I moved to the UK for the first time in 2005 it was Britain that was more expensive - driven by a strong pound).
2. Check his healthplan. If the entire family is on a Gold or Platinum you will get good care and pay little out of pocket. The caveat is because you are pregnant, if you need any type of emergency abortion the hospital may hesitate because of Texas law (there are active lawsuits).
3. You will need two cars and insurance mostly likely. You can find neighborhoods with townhouses and easy access to facilities but its more expensive.
4. The whole gun issue is overstated but if its a concern with schooling, private schools are statistically safer and they are less likely to have drills...if they do have them they downplay why.

Honestly - you could not pay me enough to keep my child in Texas for 3 years...there is no sum of money that would do it. Let alone raise a baby there.

How is he able to ignore the fact they make bullet proof backpacks for little ones there?!

The irony of him talking about the cost of living is mind boggling...it's equally bad there in general but a whole lot worse for things like fresh fruit and vegetables...and whilst we're on the subject of food - is he aware of how poorly their food is monitored?! We have certain regulations and rules here that they simply do not have. Bleached meat full of chemicals, sugar pumped into every possible food, colouring and additives unregulated.

He's being incredibly selfish if he thinks putting his own children and wife at risk is ok.
He has no right to go back on the promises he made either - yes you didn't know that this opportunity would arise but I'd bet my backside that at the time you made the agreement there was no "unless a crazy opportunity arises" caveat. It was a final agreement and he has a responsibility to stick to the things he agreed to.
Granted there's nothing saying he can't ask - but the second you said no he should have respected your decision and told whomever offered him more time that he didn't need it because the answer is no!
What happened to the vows he made when he married you?

You should stand up for yourself and make it clear that it was his choice to agree to no more moves. He has the life he said he wanted, now it's his responsibility to suck it up and stick to his promises.

@Nunu90 we are over 900 posts in so forgive me if someone else has mentioned this. Please make sure when looking at the total package it includes contributing to your pension at a level to make up for you not being able to work.