Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

So sorry to hear your news @ElizabethTudor .

I would like some advice please if anyone has any suggestions. My DM's cancer is terminal but we are not near end of life yet. My sister wants to do everything for her. I see my DM every day and I offer to take to appointments, cook meals, etc, but my sister 'has it covered'.

I am still working (self employed and very flexible) but she has given up work and is saying that DM isn't my priority as I haven't. She mutters things like 'out of sight, out of mind' in my earshot. I'm feeling so pushed out. I've tried raising it with my DM but she has always been wary of upsetting my sister and just fobs off what I say. I also tried to discuss it with my sister. She totally denied it and accused me of having a chip on my shoulder, she made some very personal hurtful remarks to me that's left our relationship very strained. She doesn't seem to be able to recognise how hurt I am. It's causing me so much heartache because it's making me not want to visit and that means I can't support my DM in the way I want to.

Any thoughts?

So hard isn't it. Could you speak to your sister and say you want to help and do a specific task. Maybe your mums food shopping. Or say I'll come every Sunday so you can have a day at home.

I’m sorry to hear your news ElizabethTudor

Good evening all
My lovely Mum was admitted to A&E two weeks ago with some strange symptoms, they thought was a stroke.5 hrs later she had a diagnosis of a butterfly brain tumour.Two days later they also found a lung tumour. A week later she caught COVID which has made her even more poorly. She now has almost no speech, not mobile now and now we are told COVID has given her a life threatening blood clot.

She has gone from being a very fit able lady to this in a matter of weeks. She was given a few weeks last week, this has now been reduced due to blood clot, so she is a ticking time bomb

Heartbroken

I have been asked to sign a Peace document - does anybody know if this is a good idea please?

Sending you all love
We have been so lucky as a family - I had no idea of the horror of Glioblastoma

Oh @Jazjoke that's awful, so sudden that must be a horrific shock. Do you have people around you for support? I think the peace agreement is a very.personal decision but maybe others can offer practical advice.

Is your mum able to be cared for at home?

@Wallawallakoala
Yes, my husband has been amazing, and I have a brother
But we have an elderly Dad, so torn between the two throughout the day
They have been inseparable, so the shock is huge for my Dad too
We have a meeting today re next steps, not sure of options except the Dr kept pushing a Peace document. I don't want to sign anything that means my Mum won't have the best care.
Thanks for replying

So sorry you are in this position. It is rubbish is the peace document the same as respect? You mum would not want a long drawn out end of life. Be guided by the doctors they will want the best for your mum. The shock is horrible we are a few weeks from finding out now and I'm at a place where I just want my dad to be comfortable and to be able to make the most of the time we have. You are in my thoughts.

Can I join please? My lovely mum has just been diagnosed with lung cancer. It is both lungs -2.4cm in one and 4mm in the other. The plan is surgery on the 2.4cm lung and radiotherapy. I have a one year old daughter and I am just heartbroken. Mum isn't asking questions as she is understandably scared so I am in the dark with prognosis. I keep panicking that she is going to die and my daughter won't have any memory of her 💔

@Rosieposy89 i am sorry… my baby boy (only grandchild so far) is crazy about my dad who has terminal cancer. I hope surgery will hope and ur mom will recover

I've been on this thread before albeit under a different username. Thought I was due a name change for this stuff now really.

My DM was hospitalised recently for about a week. She had a UTI and kidney and liver failure. It's thought that the latter two are related to her newest course of immunotherapy so there is uncertainty about whether she will be able to tolerate any more of this specific two-drug regimen. She was moved to it from the first one because the cancer in her lymph nodes had begun to grow again instead of continuing to recede. She is still having treatment and monitoring for her kidneys and liver so cannot have any further treatment at present, and although she is improving, it's not going as quickly as hoped/expected. She seems in good spirits generally considering everything, but her mobility is currently very poor, she can't do much more than potter around the house a bit or around a shop for a few minutes, which is the main thing she is getting down
about. For some context, she is only in her 50s and until the cancer, was in pretty good health, used to look after DC once a week, went the gym a few times a week, etc.

My eldest child is 4 and her behaviour has been very trying over the last few weeks and I think it's partly related to all of the above .

No idea what is reasonable prognosis now etc given she may not be able to continue with this treatment regimen, but I don't really dare ask, and the information isn't forthcoming from DM or DF (understandably).

@AnxietyLevelMax oh I am so sorry, that is just so sad. My little one is mad for my mum too (also first grandchild). Its just too heartbreaking to bear.

Thanks so much, taking it one day at a time.

Its hard isnt? U have to keep going, go to work, take care of ur child, house, etc etc but u feel
so numb inside and just dont even know how can u do all of those things.
my dad had few sessions of chemo (more palliative at his stage now) and now cannot have any more. Cannot have any other treatment bc its too late. We are waiting for the appt to see what next but i am so afraid he will get worse quick now and i am just not ready to deal with it

@AnxietyLevelMax oh I am so sorry about your dad. Its really not bloody fair.

I know, I don't know how I'm functioning. I am waking in the morning not wanting to get up as I just remember it all over again. I feel like I'm grieving for my mum before she's even gone and I feel so guilty for that but everything I've read about lung cancer seems hopeless

Hi everyone,
So sorry for everyone who is going through hard times at the moment.
Dad has started treatment. He is having immunotherapy and two types of chemotherapy.
The oncology consultant also told us that it is in his spine along with the initial diagnosis of lungs, lymph nodes and ribs.
He is so tired and feeling nauseous but the anti sickness meds are helping.

For all that are here sending you strengthen. It's rubbish. We aren't sure if dad will be here at Christmas. And if he is I'm sure he will be very poorly by then.

We Just have to make the most of each day. @Rosieposy89 I hope once the shock goes you feel more able to cope.

Our cancer nurse has been amazing and if you need information I would suggest giving them a call. Also look at cancer charities for emotional support

My dad is waiting on an operation in the next week or two to remove what they can of brain tumour. Then treatment can start for lung cancer. His wife is being optimistic and I understand why but I feel that although all this will give us time I full expect to see him decline from here on in. He has changed in the last few weeks and slowing down and clearly struggling. It's horrible to see your parents like this but they need us now to step up and be brave. Much easier send than done I know.

Can I join this group? My mum has been slowly declining for a while and is undergoing tests for oesophageal cancer (not yet confirmed). I live 250 miles away and also am undergoing treatment for cancer, my second bout of cancer in a year. My DH has terminal cancer. We are in our 50s. My mum is in her 80s. I’m not sure how best to proceed. I work full time, I care for DH, and am the only person with a salary in my family. I feel completely overwhelmed.

@SundayTeatime I'm so sorry you are in this position. I hope you have the support of good cancer team? Our nurse has been really good to the whole family.

Hi all
Wondering if I can hop on here- my mum was diagnosed with non Hodgkin lymphoma last year after getting very ill very quickly. We nearly lost her but she pulled through and had what we all thought was a very successful chemo regime bloods and scans were good in June. Around five weeks ago she started feeling dizzy, sick, confused etc and it turns out the lymphoma has spread to the brain. She's currently been in hospital for four weeks undergoing a gruelling chemo treatment. She's so out of it she doesn't even know who I am. I live far away so am trying to visit when I can but it's difficult. Just so incredibly scared right now and could do with a hand hold!

@Cantaloupeisland hey 👋🏻 hug for you. You are not alone. It sucks.

Hi everyone

Sorry you have to be on this threat to begin with. Cancer is a fucker (I'm new here, am I allowed to swear?)

I did write a post but can't see it so assuming I made an error somewhere lol

Mum been battling cancer on and off for 8 years, just been informed there is nothing more they can do for her. She has been very poorly since February this year, lots of sickness and is nothing left of her just skin and bones.

She was put into a hospice on Friday for "respite" but can see no way of her coming out of there.

She is on a syringe driver so thankfully in no more pain and the sickness is controlled. She doesn't really have an appetite and just has small sips of water every now and then.

She can still sit up and hold conversations, albeit slow and slurry ones from all the meds.

It is so hard to watch and find myself wishing she would go and be at peace soon so I can start to grieve & heal.

I have 1 DD age 2.5 and currently 5 months pregnant with my second. Feeling utterly distraught that my lovely young 55 year old mum will likely not be around to meet my new little one, and that my DD will more than likely have very limited memories of her lovely nanna.

Urgh.

Thread

Also, how on earth do you deal with people asking you about your parent?

I can't have anyone ask me about my mum without me bursting into floods of tears which has resulted in me isolating myself from my friends & DH family.

My work doesn't even know that my mum is this unwell!! I haven't told them as I just really can't stand the thought of being mollycoddled.

My DH family only knows the extent of my mums illness because my DH auntie is one of my mums bestest friends! They wouldn't have found out from me that's for sure, not until absolutely necessary.

Is that weird?? I feel like it's weird but I have never been one to talk about private stuff like this - I hate the way people look at me with pity

Make it even worse, my mums cancer is genetic - she has the dreaded BRACA2 gene, as did my nanna who passed away from my BC - and my auntie who's in remission from BC.

So I feel like people look at me and think oh that poor girl will be going through the same thing as her mum one day.

I haven't been tested yet as according to the NHS I'm not yet qualified due to my age (I'm 28)

Terrified of having the gene and ending up the same way as my poor mum (she's only 54) and the thought that my DD would have a 50/50 chance of inheriting it from me too just makes me want to scream the fucking place down 😭😭

Sorry rant over

My lovely dad is having palliative treatment at home for stage 4 lung cancer. He's agreed to a DNR. He's nearly 4 years post diagnosis thanks to immunotherapy.

The problem is, he thinks his morphine driver (with buscopan, anti sickness) is cancer treatment rather than controlling symptoms. He 100% knew when he saw the oncologist for the last time last week that the medicines are only treating the symptoms but if he has a good day, he gets buoyed up and seems to forget (no memory issues). He's talking about next summer. I know hope is extremely important but it makes it hard to ensure he doesn't try too much. He's only ever accepted help (mobility scooter and other aids) when he's absolutely had to, when these things would have given him better quality of life, sooner. His lack of acceptance means he's shocked when he has a setback.

I can't knock his stoicism but it's heartbreaking too.

My Dad was told he has liver cancer on Friday.

I'm still in complete shock. He's also horribly confused, and I have a feeling that he's got hepatic encephalopathy. We thought it was the start of dementia..... I'm not sure what's worse. His confusion is at least masking the horror of this all for him.

I have a horrible feeling that they're going to say it's only palliative care that they can offer

I'm sorry @Badger1970. Do you know what stage the cancer is at?