Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

Thank you so much x

I've read through and I'm so so sorry for what everyone is going through and the losses. This is something unimaginable that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

@momentsofmagic & @buckeejit I’m so sorry for your loss.

@Wallawallakoala @HeyMoana @Lushmetender @Laura2211 & anyone I’ve missed welcome to this horrid club.

I understand what you mean Laura about you dad being active. My dad was still walking & playing golf & tennis till quite recently. Its so damn hard seeing him the way he is.

@buckeejit I am so sorry for your loss. I’m glad your mum had a peaceful passing 💐
@Wallawallakoala I feel the same way about being an orphan too young and I’m hitting 50 next year. My DF left when I was a baby so for years it was just me and my mum. We’re close, speak every day. I feel awful because whilst my mum was going through biopsies and scans and all the other tests in secret, I was moaning on the phone about stupid meaningless shit and and telling her I can’t take anymore stress. I worry that’s why she put off telling me. Because she didn’t want to add to my load. So I now feel guilty on too of all the other emotions.
As for NYE.. instead of our usual drinkies nibbles, more drinkies and dancing round the lounge then a big fat hangover roast on NYD I’m going for the sitting in my pyjamas with a hot chocolate, a book and a pack of chocolate digestives. And dinner tomorrow may very well be beans on toast!
Peaceful thoughts and warmest wishes for you all in 2022 💐💐💐

@Tomeeornottomee it's different for everyone, but your mum will probably have wanted you to unload on her still. I know my mum still wants to feel like my mum and to be there for me in a way still because it makes her feel needed rather than needy. So I do still moan to her about stuff for that reason, trying to balance it a little and I do feel awful for breaking down when the news sunk in but she really is the only one I can do that with.

Hope everyone is doing okay?
Things are on a fairly even keel at the moment; I need to start the ball rolling with accessing services from GP practice like district nurses and palliative care team.
Dad seems a bit stronger as eating very well due to the steroids but not gaining any weight.
I feel in limbo at the moment, like I'm waiting for a change in Dad's condition as in lots of ways he's slightly improved but it's only a matter of time before he deteriorates.

I’ve avoided this thread for a while as the grieving period has been so surreal. I’m sorry to see that some of you have since lost loved ones, @buckeejit and @momentsofmagic.
I do think you will need a bit of time to not have to think or talk about cancer for a while while you grieve. Through time I hope to feel able to contribute some helpful advice to those going through it
In the meantime my thoughts are with you all.

Buckeejit and momentsofmagic, I'm very sorry. I hope you can both take some comfort from the fact that the end was peaceful.

This waiting period is so surreal. It's like purgatory. I keep looking at the thread in bereavement for those who have lost a parent, knowing I'll be on that within weeks. In a cruel way I just want it to happen, so the waiting can end, but I know DF is desperate to get as much out of the next few weeks as possible, so I feel like a traitor for even thinking it.

@Lotsofpots

I think that is one thing that has helped me from this thread. Knowing that what you have described is a common feeling. It feels awful to think it because you don’t want your parents life to end. But because the diagnosis is there everything after it feels like a wait. I had to go off work because every day I went to see my dad I looked at him the bed and for a split second didn’t know if he was alive. Almost every day I wondered if today would be the day. Having since watched him pass I now think I would know the difference. Or maybe not.
But I remember having awful mixed feelings between wanting him to get something out of each day and surviving longer, to wondering what he was thinking and what mental torture he must be going through and wishing for a quick death. Also selfishly feeling like I wanted my own life back and for it all to be over. Taking pictures to google symptoms and show professionals ( he had a lot of facial changes with mouth cancer) and also knowing that these were the last pictures we’d have. Making funeral plans for someone who hasn’t gone and who didn’t want to think about it. It was all just exhausting.

My DF went in for his surgery today. I'm just waiting for a phone call to find out how it went. The cancer is urethral so I'm sure you can imagine what "extensive surgery" in that part of the body entails.
He is so keen to have the cancer removed and I can see that he isn't even considering that the results of the scan might mean it has spread, even though the consultant has already insinuated this. I honestly don't think he's considered how he will feel about his new body either.
For me, a good outcome today is not the point I can sigh in relief. Those scan results are everything.
Thank you for all sharing your stories, as heartbreaking as they are.

HeyMoana, fingers crossed that the surgery went well and that the scan results, when they come, are good. And that your dad can adjust to the effects of the surgery. It's all such a difficult situation to be in.

The waiting and results and the non information appointments are awful definitely like purgatory.

I took mum for her appointment today to be told they hadn't got the results of the MRI and it will be another 4 weeks for surgery, in which time it may have spread? I just don't know what to think. To go private we would have to start all over again and might not take any less time?

Hi everyone. Sadly I am just marking my place if that’s ok. My lovely mum has just been told she has cancer after a spell in a&e and we are now waiting for further information. I think it’s likely from her symptoms (ascites) that she will be quite advanced, but am still hoping for a positive outcome. The hardest thing is that she is refusing to see or speak to any of her children which I think my dad is finding hard as he is breaking.
I may be back soon.
So sorry to hear of all your losses, and your experiences

@HeyMoana really hope your dads op and scans went well. Keeping everything crossed for you x
@puffylovett Hopefully once your mum has processed the news she might be more comfortable speaking about it. It took my mum 6 weeks from diagnosis to telling me. Be there for your dad and when your mum is ready, take it slow.. best of luck.

My DM starts her chemo/radiotherapy next week. She’s had to isolate from yesterday so I don’t know when I’m going to be allowed to see her 😞

Thank you, @Tomeeornottomee. I’m not the most patient of people, and I go into ‘I want to fix it’ mode 😆 which obviously I can’t at the mo! Trying to be patient. Not my forte.
She has invoked her private health care and has an appointment with gynae on Wednesday so hoping we will find out more then. I’m worried notes won’t have made it over. I’m worried they won’t absorb information. Dad assured me they will as it’s too important not to. Just got to sit tight, I guess!
to everyone on this thread x

@HeyMoana everything seems to take so long. Freaking out at the moment because mums pcr test came back inconclusive today and she’s supposed to start tomorrow. There’s no one at the hospital she can talk to about it (Sunday) and is worried that they’ll refuse to start her treatment until she has a negative test. My poor DH has had me wildly swinging between rage and despair today. Have lots of other things stressing me out as well and I’m battling to keep my head straight. All I want to do is sit and cry and then I feel guilty because I’m feeling sorry for myself and I don’t have any right to. I’m not the one going through it. 😞

I'm just popping back to see how everyone is, I think about this thread often.
I'm so sorry for those that have suffered a loss and hope the others are able to find the strength to keep going.
I struggled after Dads death, my Mum has got very forgetful and it was hard leading up to Christmas.
I had terrible flashbacks for a few months but I'm more at peace now.
I hope everyone struggling with a loss find comfort and peace ♥️

Marking my place here. So sorry to everyone who is going through this/has lost their parents

My DF has mesothelioma. Diagnosed last year and had an operation that we hoped would give him a few more years, but unfortunately the cancer is spreading again. Hoping he will start chemo by the end of the month but everything going so slowly with Covid and with this type of cancer it's often very fast moving.

It all feels so unfair. He's only 70, I love him so much and I'm not ready to let him go. He's hasn't been able to spend much time with his only grandchild because of fucking Covid and she was born just before it started I'm scared for him, for my family and myself. Some of my other close relatives are disabled and I know much more support will be required in years to come. The whole thing stinks.

This is probably going to sound so self centered but I never imagined I'd be dealing with this so young (early thirties) My in-laws are only having to consider more support for elderly parents now, and they are in their sixties.

@EvenLess07 I feel exactly the same, same age. My in laws also have their parents, and my DH doesn't have a close relationship with either his parents or grandparents.

Hello all, so sorry for the place we all find ourselves, and sad to be joining you. My mum was told she has lung cancer yesterday, she's having a biopsy tomorrow and some scans before decisions are made on the way forward. She went to hospital because she has been having trouble swallowing so I guess the tumour must be large. Also, she told me this morning she has been having headaches for a while and is now worried it may be in her brain. Of course, this is all supposition until further investigation is done. My job as elder daughter is to fix things, and to remain calm when everyone else falls apart... but I want to fall apart too, but I can't because everyone is relying on me. She's only just in her 70s, very fit, never smoked. I just can't take on board that she has this.

@DwightShrutesgirlfriend it’s a shocking time for all of you. Just because you’re the eldest doesn’t mean that you have to be strong for everyone to the detriment of your own feelings and emotions. It’s ok to not be ok. And to expect some support. Even if you’re the organised and capable one you will still need your family’s support. It’s going to take some time for it to sink in. Wishing you all the very best x

@EvenLess07 it really isn't self centred to feel like this. It feels deeply unfair - both to us, and to our parents who, in my case, will die far far too young. My parents didn't deal with their parents being ill and dying until their late 50s - and for my dad, one parent is still alive. I'm doing it 25 years earlier. It makes me want to stamp my feet and throw things in despair.

So sorry you're here @DwightShrutesgirlfriend - the aftermath of the diagnosis just feels like you're living in a fog. Hope we can all be of support.

Thank you for your kind words @Lotsofpots and @Tomeeornottomee. Your description of a fog is so true. Biopsy day today, my mum is really quite phobic about doctors and hospitals so that makes everything harder for her.