Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

Hi just lost my mum (not to cancer) but have a double whammy with my dad having terminal pancreatic cancer. I’m worried about the next few weeks and I don’t feel I can look to a new year as next year is not looking good. My dad has gone home after our Christmas get together but not sure how to help him now? My dad is choosing not to have chemo as specialist said it makes little difference.
He’s 75

My father was diagnosed with urethral cancer last week. He goes in for life changing surgery in next few weeks and full body scan next week.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here @HeyMoana - do you have much support around you?

This has been a very tough Christmas. Treatment has stopped working and we have only weeks left, but DS tested positive for covid last week so we couldn't spend Christmas with my dad. Despite having this hang over us for two years, it's still utterly bewildering. He's so young to die, and loves life so much. And he's so worried about his mum (my grandmother) and how she'll cope. His sadness at everything he'll miss out on, particularly his grandkids, is unbearable.

I just want this to be over, but that means my incredible dad will have died, and that's even more painful than the agony we're living with at the moment.

I think I need this thread.
This week has been the hardest so far.
DF was diagnosed with advanced kidney cancer nearly a year ago. He has tried and come off 2 treatments and the last to try in the new year is immunotherapy which may not work due to underlying autoimmune condition.
There are no words to describe the impact on our family and this week I've had my own mini meltdown. Also currently in process of moving house from seperation with 2 kids and promotion at work. I'm a coper and this week has taken me by surprise.
All of the things you're describing I'm feeling and I don't know if it makes me feel worse to know there are so many others feeling as shit or better for knowing I'm not actually going mad.
Love to you all x

Buckeejit, I hope you're doing okay. I feel like "the selfish brother" who doesn't think he should have to help in any way is a pretty common thing in this situation. Mine didn't bother getting Mum a Christmas present this year. Probably her last one and he got defensive and said he'd been too busy.

Littlemefi and Tomeornnottome, so sorry to hear about your parents. The initial shock is horrible.

AngryApple, I'm sorry about how shit the health care is for you. Hope your family is coping okay.

Lushmetender, that all sounds so hard - to be grieving and then to get that news about your dad.

Heymoana, I hope your father's surgery goes well.

And commiserations to everyone who has found this Christmas unbearable. I keep breaking down in tears. My mum wasn't in a good way; she so desperately doesn't want to die. She keeps taking it out on my dad and while he lets her use him as a scratching post and never snaps back and is utterly sweet to her, you can see he's really struggling. The constant scans and treatment and then waiting for results which are inevitably bad have really taken their toll.

Like Lotsofpots, part of me just wants this to be over because at least then she won't be frightened, ill and so sad anymore, but then she'll be dead and that'll be a new kind of awfulness.

Thank you for your replies.
@Lotsofpots
I have a kind DH who is great with the practicalities of taking him to appointments etc but ready backs off from the emotional support. Good for the odd hug but not so much the talking.
My dad lives with my mum but she has been waiting over a year for a hip replacement and so is completely immobile. She is strong though. Shes a bit rubbish at listening to dad though i.e. me - “Are you in a lot of pain Dad?” Dad - “Yes” Mum - “ No, he’s just sore”🤷🏼‍♀️
I have no siblings so I have a huge amount to do on top of looking after my two young children but two cousins have stepped in when needed which Im immensely grateful for. I also have a couple of new but lovely friends. I’m lucky overall.
@Fhortu
My father is elderly and whilst it’s awful to watch him suffer, he’s had a long life so there isn’t really a sense of things ending too soon. I think those of you coping with illness in relatively young people must be so hard and bring up up a whole host of extra feelings.
Not being able to celebrate Christmas together because of COVID has been a total kick in the teeth.

Lots of Christmas warmth from our house to all of yours xxx

Oh @HeyMoana it must be so hard doing this without siblings. Sending hugs.

The age thing is odd. On one hand I don't think the pain of losing a parent alters much, even if they're much older. On the other, the "unfairness" of it definitely adds a layer of complexity - the sense of opportunities missed, milestones they'll never see. My grandmother still being alive is very hard. It doesn't matter that DF is in his 60s, he's still her little boy and she is destroyed.

Thank you for starting this thread. My dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer last week & it had already spread to the liver & lungs so prognosis obviously not good at all. It has completely shocked our family to the core - he is 75 & so fit & healthy & was still playing tennis 4 weeks ago!! Now over the last week he has lost his voice & struggling to keep any food down & can hardly even manage a walk down the garden.

My dad has been a strong head of family & pillar of support to us all so to watch him deteriorate in such a short space of time is absolutely heart breaking & my mum is in bits. I just don’t know what to do & I just feel so helpless.

He starts chemotherapy later this week in the hope that he can stay with us a bit longer but I am petrified that chemotherapy will suck out all he has left.

Sending lots of hugs to everyone out there - it is a comfort reading the messages on here, though extremely sad how this terrible disease is ripping families apart.

Xxxxxx

Hi @Laura2211 it’s such a shock isn’t it? Small drips and drops about my mums illness are now appearing. She let slip that not only does she have lung cancer but there’s a thingy (🙄) in her larynx that they are just going to pop out! This is how she minimises and why I’m terrified she’s not telling me the entire truth. I’m an only child and the responsibility of what’s to come feels completely overwhelming. Christmas Day I cried. A lot. I kept wondering if it was my mums last. We’re not able to see her at the moment because of my DH being on a new course of meds that completely wipe his immune system. I was going to go see her today but my step brother and his kids went there Boxing Day so to be on the safe side I’m going to wait for a couple more days and then get my mum and SD to do a LFT.
That sounds like I’m moaning about them going there. I’m really not. It just complicates me visiting. I’d love to have been able to see them and get a cuddle from the new baby. Dealing with covid and chronic illness has been hard. Now I have the terror of mum having cancer treatment in the middle of a friggin pandemic. I’m dreading next year.

@Tomeeornottomee
I can empathise with this.
Do you suspect your mums prognosis is more serious than she is letting on?
We have been told what my dad wants me and my mum to know, but I can tell there’s more going on. It’s daft really given that I am their main carer and will be told everything by the doctor anyway.

COVID complicates so much doesn’t it?
We have been given the date of the 4th Jan for my Dads surgery. Not sure how I’ll look after them whilst working full time.
Sending a hand to hold to all of you at this hard time. Xx

Hey @HeyMoana yes. I very much suspect that she is keeping things from me. She says she’s not. She does have a date to start her treatment now though. Second week in jan. not soon enough for me. I want her to start straight away but I understand there are processes and procedures to go through. I just worry that it’s taking too long and letting the cancer grow.
Wishing your dad the best of luck on his surgery and recovery and yes, it’s daft when you’re his carer that they don’t want to keep you in the loop...I suppose it’s because they care. I hope you manage to sort something with your work.

My dear mum passed away about 10 days ago. She declined suddenly and was very peaceful at the end. She went in her sleep and I was with her. I am so sorry for all the heartache that you are all going through. I wish you all peace. If I can help in any way to talk about what our experience was if this will be of help I am here for that.

Have had a better couple of days; my brother and sister in law and other family members have been visiting and have spent time with Dad which has taken the pressure off me a little bit.
He's lost more weight though despite eating well, and I think it won't be too long before he will be weaker and struggling to stand up.

I’m very sorry @momentsofmagic 💐
But glad you were there and she was peaceful and in her sleep.
How are you doing?

@momentsofmagic
My thoughts are with you x

@momentsofmagic I am so sorry for your loss and sending you a very unmumsnetty virtual hug. I’m so glad you were with her and that it was a peaceful passing.
@littlemefi I’m glad you got a bit of respite over Christmas. If you are worried about your dad struggling it might be worth getting in touch with his Macmillan nurse and ask about mobility and comfort aids for him.
I found this Xmas extremely difficult. So much happiness and joy and all the other festive BS and all I wanted to do was tear the world and it’s frickin tree down and sit and have a massive temper tantrum and cry myself sick. But I didn’t. Instead I’ve arranged to go and see my mum in a couple of days after everyone has done a test. She’s coughing more and on the FaceTime call I could see she looks skinny in her face. And she’s cut all her hair off in preparation 🥲
I know it’s a long shot, but I wish every single one of you and your parents and your families a peaceful New Year. 💐💐💐

@Tomeeornottomee yes, I’m with you. I found this Christmas very difficult.
My Dad had deteriorated quite a lot, which is odd because the news we’re getting from his Consultant’s appts is quite the opposite. But clearly something is amiss. Lots of questions for the next appt.
I’m not really feeling very celebratory or New Years Eve-y either.

Sorry to hear moments of magic. Hope you are doing ok? Happy new year to all!

My mum died peacefully last night. She was surrounded by love & I was grateful to be there & for it to be so normal.

It's a big relief but a very strange busy period since. Thinking of you all going through this difficult journey, especially at this time of year. Go easy on yourselves

@buckeejit and@momentsofmagic so sorry for your loss.

I was just about to put a post together and found this thread, thank you. I've NC as it's a very specific situation but I'm so scared and really need some support from anyone who actually understands.

My mum has just been diagnosed with Merkel Cell carcinoma, it's getting worse (looks worse) week on week and she's only just had the MRI due to Christmas closures and shortages in staff due to COVID. My dad died just before I was born so I really feel so close with my mum, although I know everyone does!

I feel scared, incredibly alone and worried for the future.

What my post was going to ask was how on earth do you keep it together? I have 2 DC, one nearly 4 and a newborn. My partner works until early evening and I'm really struggling.

I selfishly feel too young to be an orphan as stupid as that sounds too! I'm 33

So so sorry for your losses @buckeejit and @momentsofmagic.

@Wallawallakoala my two were 4 and 1 when my DF was diagnosed. I don't really know how you keep it together, as I'm not convinced I have throughout all of this. Therapy helps. Letting people help, even with small things like just allowing your DP (assuming you have one) to do more than 50% of the household jobs. Recognising that distraction is valid and not suppressing feelings - I love crappy TV (Emily in Paris got me through the last week) and reading until I can barely keep my eyes open.
I think it must be harder while on mat leave as I find work a really useful focus. So make sure you try and have people you can see, just for company if not long heart to hearts. That was super important to me in the early days.

And you are too young to be an orphan. This is entirely unfair on you and your kids, and your mum. Im ever so sorry.

@Tomeeornottomee your description of how you felt this Christmas really resonated. Exactly how I felt too.

Thank you. @buckeejit I am so sorry for your loss. I think we have had similar experiences. So much of what you said last the few weeks made me feel less alone.

@Wallawallakoala I don't know the answers either - but would agree that take help/ask for help wherever you can get. Help often comes from places you least expect. Shortcuts and tell yourself it is ok for things not to be normal so lessen the expectations you put on yourself. And when you can get respite don't feel guilty for that time. Try to get away even for a few minutes when you can - fresh air and walking was very therapeutic when I could do it.