Thread for those who have a parent with cancer?

[Fhortu]

I'm just wondering if there is a general one that I've missed, or, if not, if there's any interest in making one?
(I know there's Still the storm for people who have partners with terminal cancer.)

My mum was recently diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, and I'm sure there are other people here struggling with a parent's diagnosis.

@ethelredonagoodday I am so sorry.

We are still here - just. Mum has suddenly declined in the last few days after a bit of a plateau. She is now completely bed bound, has virtually stopped eating, can't swallow her medicines any more, is permanently cold, sleeping a lot and slurring her words. I don't know really how long we have. It's just horrible.

So sorry for your loss @ethelredonagoodday, what a terrible shock for you. Sorry to everyone else going through bad times - I’m thinking of you all

I’m so sorry for you loss @ethelredonagoodday my heart goes out to you & yours.

We are trying to arrange my dad’s transfer back to U.K. for hopefully this week. Liaising with the hospital abroad, travel insurers, health insurers & hospital here was a minefield but hopefully nearly sorted.

He’s improving enough for him to travel & we only have a short window in which an air ambulance will still be available as neurosurgeon has said to risky to travel back by commercial aeroplane. Then will see if what treatment he can have.

to everyone going through this.

Yesterday district nurse spoke to us about getting over anybody to visit her now. And that we may want to start preparing and finding a funeral home. Thank fully SIL did this. Emotionally it has hit us all. We have been in action mode for so long now that it is dawning on us that she is going. Today I went to mum and dads house to pick out an outfit for Mum for her funeral. How surreal and gut wrenching that is. Dad is struggling a lot letting her go but also wanting this to end. Mum thankfully is not in pain is just sleeping pretty much all
The time. She can barely open her eyes sometimes now. And I still have a full week of work ahead - no doubt will start cancelling

I FUCKING HATE THIS.

Just need to rant away the pain for a bit. Sorry.

I'm so sorry for all of you who have lost your parents recently. The culmination of this agony is even worse than the torture of waiting.

I just want to cry all the time. But instead I just put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about how this time next year my dad won't be on my Christmas present "to buy" list.

@ethelredonagoodday I'm so sorry for your loss 

@Lotsofpots vent away, it's not easy.

@EmotionalRollercoasterMess hope things are going as well as can be with your dad's transfer.

@momentsofmagic hope your mum is comfortable at least. My mum has been this way for a long time now but at least she's pain free. Still very hard going through the same motions every day without knowing when it will end.

We'd booked to go across the water to the in laws for Christmas. Haven't seen much of them in the last couple of years but looks like we'll stay at home now as I need to help with the caring. Christmas, either way is going to be absolutely shite & I'll be run ragged & dc won't have the time they deserve. I'm starting to feel quite depressed & can't be bothered talking with friends or doing anything when I'm not at my folks.

Wishing everyone strength to get through the festive period

Just wanted to vent really.
This might partly be because it's winter and there are only 7 or 8 hours of daylight, but everything just feels too much right now. I'm normally quite energetic, but I just can't be bothered with anything. Our Christmas tree isn't up. I've not sorted any presents despite knowing this might well be my mum's last. Washing the bedsheets seems too difficult. My guilt at being ao lazy adds to guilt that I can't sort this for my parents.
Also recently found that the initial diagnosis was given to me and my siblings at different times. My younger brother and I were told much later than 2 older siblings who were sworn to secrecy. This has made me so paranoid that there might have been other bad news and that I just haven't been told. I just don't trust that they're being honest with me now.

Buckeejit. I'm sorry your Christmas plans have had to change. I can't imagine what you're going through; this situation seems to have been dragging on for so long for you.

My dad was transferred back last week & is doing well & they’ve told us no treatment as tumour has been removed. But they still don’t know what the primary was. But it’s easier now he’s back.

I’m sorry for everyone struggling, I think I agree it’s especially difficult in the winter months as it looks bleak.

Sending to everyone.

Thanks for this thread - it’s comforting to hear from people in the same boat. I just found out the cancer my Dad had two years ago has come back/spread. So far I haven’t been able to get much info, but it isn’t sounding good. We’re hoping to be able visit for Christmas. But we live abroad, quite far away, and so I have an extra set of worries about how, when things get bad, I’ll be able manage with my husband working in one country, my Dad really ill in another, and my small kids missing me and/or school or watching their Grandpa suffer and Mum really upset. Anyone else dealing with this from a distance?

@Fhortu that is hard to deal woth knowing you've been told at different times & the sort of thing that could send your head spinning.

@EmotionalRollercoasterMess so glad you've managed to get him home & hope he continues to do well.

@IndigoNZ1 sorry to hear about your dad. It is difficult dealing with the overwhelm being nearby but must be very hard from further afield. Financially, could you help with practical stuff like ordering a regular grocery delivery or domestic help? I've found myself so grateful when someone sends flowers, baked goods etc

@Fhortu definitely feeling the lack of energy here too, but I put up my tree ages ago so it would get done. Also my rage is so easily triggered. I asked younger bro if he was working on Sat (he's always vague but said he didn't think so), so asked if he could stay over on Fri night instead of me as we're booked out for dinner but can cancel, he said that was ok then the next day said to me so if I'm staying Fri, can you stay Sat? He's only ever stayed that one night a week, works constantly & hasn't really sacrificed much of anything through this whole time & I'm severely fucked off about it. I said I'd stay if I had to & then heard his wife say 'no sure I'll stay on Saturday night'. They live next door to my folks & have no dc & I'm just appalled that just one time he can't bring himself to stay 2 nights-his wife helps a lot with personal care though. I really need to vent the anger before I see him this evening.

They've decided to stop wakening mum to feed her. It's a strange shift & the nurse has just been & said she thinks about a week or so.

Hope everyone is coping ok with the extra festive stress. Covid case numbers look like it's is going to be another headache through all this

Yes, the increasing Covid numbers is definitely adding an extra worry.
Obviously I don’t want to risk taking anything back to my parents, given my Dad is currently vulnerable.
And I’m in a Omicron hot spot.
But this could be the last Christmas with my Dad.
FFS. 😞

Flowers and hugs to everyone.
💐

@buckeejit - sorry to read that about your bloody brother. That would give me the rage too.

So glad I found this thread.
Found out my dad has widespread metastatic cancer 3 days ago.
He has had rapid weight loss and fatigue and struggling at home on his own for the last few weeks- I live 200 miles away and work full time as a nurse so haven't been able to just pop over and help.
I visited last weekend to bring him back to mine for Christmas and he collapsed on me and got admitted to hospital with an infection and dehydration.
My brother and I brought him home yesterday which was great, and hopefully head off to my home today to try to have some kind of Christmas.
Fortunately, other than general frailty, he's not too symptomatic at present.
We knew something was wrong but still didn't expect things to be so far advanced- it's in his spleen, kidney, adrenal gland, lymph nodes and possibly abdominal wall.

It's all a bit surreal at the moment and I'm just surviving on adrenaline.

Welcome & sorry you're here @littlemefi It's a tough time of year to be hit with such a bombshell. Do you or will you know how long he's likely to have left? I hope you can manage to have some happy times over Christmas together

Hi everyone, just like littlemefi I found out last week that my DM has lung cancer. She starts chemotherapy in Jan and I’m beside myself. I’ve got a DH with chronic illness who is severely immunosuppressed, my DD has recently gone through some trauma and has been diagnosed with PTSD, I haven’t seen my DS for months because of his long standing MH issues (his choice, he’s frightened of infecting my DH) I’ve also got some legal stuff going on and I felt like I was drowning BEFORE I got the news about my mum. My DSD is having tests for dementia and he has taken my mums diagnosis very badly. I haven’t taken it well myself, although when I speak to her we are both being as upbeat as possible. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I can help her or what to expect. I don’t even know what stage she is at because she says she forgot to ask and no one has told her. But I’m freaking out because they sent her for a brain scan. Why would they send her for one of those if the cancer is only in her lung? I’m sorry if this is rambling. I think I’m still in shock

Sorry to hear about your Mum @Tomeeornottomee
For info, my Dad was sent for a full body scan, including brain, following his recent lung cancer diagnosis. So I don’t know if this is standard practice. But it may well be.

Re stage of cancer, we didn’t get that info until a good few months after his initial diagnosis. But I had already figured it out tbh (my Dad’s had spread, and because of various other things, I was able to figure out it was stage 4)

My Dad was allocated a dedicated cancer nurse who he / we can contact at any time, with any questions / queries etc… so hopefully your Mum will have been given similar.

Glad to have found this thread.

My dad as diagnosed with liver cancer 7 weeks ago. He was symptom free at that point but now he is really poorly and I don’t think he’s got much longer left. It’s just happened so unbelievably fast.

He had to wait weeks between scans and results. He refused chemo because he was told he only had 6 months to live. He chose to be at home for all of this which is totally understandable given the Covid situation. He stopped eating about a month ago, but the GP, district nurses and and other medical people have been utterly useless! They go for days without following up prescriptions, calling back or dealing with the fact that he stopped eating a month ago. They all have such bees in their bonnets about how they are treated by each other and it’s affected their efficiency in helping my dad in this situation.

It’s been extremely distressing. My mum is doing her best but she’s at breaking point already. She needs more help but they’ve been told they’ll only get someone in a few times a week at most.

I never thought it would be so bad! I never thought that the NHS would be so run down, with such poor communication, that patients would suffer like this!

The only blessing is that I can’t see him living past New Year. Perhaps they know this and that’s why they’ve not offered much help.

I can’t say that their experience with Macmillan is much better either. Again the poor communication is just unbelievable.

Such a shitty horrible situation and it makes you realise that your animals have a better quality of care than you ever will.

I’m so angry.

@MaryStuart thank you so much for that information. I’ve been really worried about that scan. She was diagnosed in early November but wanted to have the bulk of the scans and tests done before she told anyone. If she could have she would have waited until after Xmas... so she didn’t upset anyone 🙄🥲
I’m so sorry that everyone on this thread is going through this. I wish all of you and your loved ones a peaceful Christmas.

@AngryApple I have nothing I can say that can make you feel better/different/less angry. I just want to reach out and let you know that I’m thinking of you. As for your dads medical team it might be worth writing a snippy letter to PALS especially if they are tardy with the prescriptions. It’s not right and it’s not fair and they need to pull their fingers and heads out their asses and start prioritising their patient. 💐💐💐

Just popping on to say hi to everyone & merry Christmas as much as is possible. Dad is still in hospital & will be for another month or so.

I’m Sorry to everyone going through this.

@AngryApple - I second contacting PALS. I got cross the other day when my dad was in so much pain & I questioned pain relief & he was over due.

@Tomeeornottomee & @littlemefi it’s a horrid club to join.

Yes echoing @EmotionalRollercoasterMess
Hope everyone is able to have a good Christmas.
It’s been a tough week here, but I’m determined we’re going to have a good Christmas Day!
Merry Christmas everyone.

Hope everyone has had a peaceful a day as possible.

@AngryApple that's abysmal when you need support. Have you tried Hospice at home & Marie Curie for help. They've been really good for us when NHS were a bit of a shit show. Email them now if you can-they were with us in a few days & familiar faces & professional/experienced sounding boards are so helpful. I can't believe your dad stopped eating a month ago & they are so disorganised. I hope things settle & you get help very soon 💐

My mum has stopped meds, eating & drinking since Thursday. Still comfortable in bed & other than wetting her lips & mouth, no interventions needed so far. It's a very difficult change since my parents house has always been tea & cake etc. so no more tea is hard. The last couple of days have been tough & I'm glad Christmas is over. I guess I was quite on edge about something happening at Christmas for the children's sake.

I'm glad today is over; so hard to try to be cheerful when all I can think about is that Dad won't be here this time next year.
He's still not resting or sleeping very well and just wants to talk ALL the time which is mentally exhausting and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
He's phoning and video calling lots of different friends and family and just talks and talks and everyone is too polite to interrupt to say anything!
I need to make some time to myself tomorrow I think, get out for a walk or run, just to clear my head a bit.
Although I'm a nurse myself, I feel I can't see the woods for the trees at the moment in terms of supporting myself, my dad, partner, child and family.