STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

YANBU

He sounds horrible and manipulative. He doesn’t even have an official diagnosis by the sound of it, does he?

No way. And since he was emotionally abusive I wouldn't even feel bad about it.

I also wouldn't get into a routine (at this stage) of you having to be there for him to spend time with his children. I would facilitate shorter visits, if that's what he felt he could manage.

I would also be keeping in mind that he may have misunderstood or misinterpreted the medical advice, or may be catastrophising, or may be deliberately misrepresenting what he has been told.

Nope. No way.

@ElspethFlashman

So wait a hot second.....

He's just had some symptoms, and the GP (allegedly, you don't even know if it's true) tutted a bit?

That's the extent of what's happened so far????

So you actually DO NOT KNOW if any cancer at all has returned and who the hell is using the word "terminal" when you don't even know if it's returned??!

OP, wake up and smell the manipulation!

You don't even know if he even went to the fucking GP, Christ!

I agree with all of this.

My husband had cancer off and on (mostly on) for about 10 years. No way would a GP be giving a possible prognosis, that's for the specialists to do. You also say that he doesn't know the extent or the prognosis op, so how can he say it's terminal. This is manipulation, pure and simple.

Either way it doesn't matter. The separation is a fact and he needs to get used to that. If he hadn't been abusive he might have had a wife and family to give him the support he needs. But actions have consequences and he has to accept that.

He's emotionally blackmailing you.

You have a right to say no.

Him moving in has its own issues - you become his carer and there is the potential impact on the kids in witnessing that.

Pull out the stops for the kids to see him, but you have to consider your own life and you made a decision that you no longer wanted to be with him for a reason. This still stands.

Nope
no moving in could be years

You go see gp yourself to get support for you and dc
and ask for referral to camhs for therapy for kids to support them thru this
(or thu cancer charity but gp should know about local services eg hospice outreach )

What are his current symptoms?

@Notaroadrunner

Ok, so after reading your update he is being totally manipulative, regardless of his diagnosis. Change the locks asap. Tell him he is welcome to have the kids for a visit at his apartment but that you are not available to go. He's trying to make you feel guilty - do not fall for it.

Exactly this . Extremely manipulative. Do not let him move back in and make looking after your children and yourself a priority. You can offer some support to him as appropriate but keep this low grade .. don’t over extend yourself. Your children will need you to be strong , don’t let him drain you with his behaviour when they need you .

It is very sad for him and few would be without sympathy but you cannot change his behaviour or his illness.

So very sorry for you all .

Extraordinary that his immediate 'solution' was to announce he was moving back in.

Absolutely, no way, do not be guilted or manipulated. He can figure out his own care, if / when it is needed.

Meantime, look after yourself, and get counselling if possible.

The shock of a cancer diagnosis shouid not be underestimated

OP has (presumably) been though this once supporting him. And it's even worse for him, being the one that's actually got it. Right now, he's staring death in the face and even the best of us might not have perfect behaviour in those circumstances.

Yep. Just for a second let's bear in mind that his reaction yesterday might have been due to shock and fear.

Having said that, no, you cannot take him in.

I can understand that he's in a bad way today. To be honest it's probably best that the kids don't see him alone. I remember what the first couple of days were like when my late husband got his diagnosis. I don't think either of us could have given a 6 year old and a 3 year old any sort of normality had we not had each other to tag team with. When you need five minutes to cry somewhere, there needs to be another lesson to be normal.

@Earlgrey19

I think it is true.

However, he needs further tests to find out the extent of it so as of yet we don’t know about stage or prognosis. It’s a recurrence of an initially very aggressive cancer. GP thought very bad news.

Yesterday, after the GP appointment he had let himself in while I was out (I am in the family home and he has a key but the understanding is that he doesn’t let himself in). He told me the news, and that he’d be staying from that moment on and living here again as he said it’s in the kid’s best interests if he’s going to die.

I sympathised with the news but said we are separated, you need to discuss with me what happens: I have a choice, and I don’t think living together is a good idea. He threw his front door key at me and stormed out yelling ‘I’ve got a fucking cancer diagnosis, can’t you be more flexible?’.

It’s as if the cancer means ever else is erased — all the separation agreements we made. Anyone else’s needs.

Today he has sent this message, when I asked him if he’d like to have the kids a bit as planned:

I’m feeling very fragile today. I really didn’t sleep much, and also struggling to eat very much at all. Hopefully it’s just the shock, and I will regain some strength soon. But at least today I don’t feel confident having the kids by my self. I would love to see them, but do you think you could join us?

The thing is, of course he’s struggling, of course he’s feeling fragile but I feel if I agree to join it’s a slippery slope, because he will keep on trying to get me to do what he wants.

But I feel a big pressure to agree.

We haven’t yet separated finances, no.

WTF Op I missed that post.

I was quite sympathetic and thinking of your long-term financial situation.
No way would a GP diagnosis terminal cancer. That's a Specialist's job along with the management of it.

Lesson=person

Lockdownbear totally correct - a GP might pick up markers of cancer via a blood test but would never be in position to diagnose further or comment on prognosis. Since the start of our journey the GP involvement was at the start where he was referred to specialists. That’s it

OP do you think it's true because he has had cancer before, and because you find it hard to consider that he would fabricate this story in order to move back in?

I know it sounds harsh, but I would want to see documentation from oncologists etc before I believed it. And even then, I still wouldn't allow him to move back for the duration.

He has shown to you that he is still the same abusive man you separated from. He is manipulative and sly, not above using your children to get what he wants.

It's a horrible position to be in, but it's good to see that you were strong and didn't accede to his tactics. It must have been difficult to come back home and find him there, demanding to stay. Well done for not backing down

Good news that he no longer has keys to your house!

No. Please don't. He is your ex. His family need to step up.
You will be a long time coping as a single parent and you need to pace yourself.

So he's saying he has terminal cancer on the basis of a visit to his GP..... hmmmm, seems to me he's trying to maniputate you big time. I appreciate he will be feeling very scared if the cancer has returned but until he sees an Oncologist it's just his thoughts that he's sharing surely. Maybe you could offer to attend the oncology appointment with him, at least that way you'll know for certain what's happening. I do think you need to protect your children though, and as other posters have said please don't have him back.

I want to be charitable and say that it is true. However, after reading your updates I'm getting bullshit vibes. Nothing is confirmed.

Either way, you should absolutely not let him back in. It would be absolutely counter to your children's best interests. And yours of course.

I sympathised with the news but said we are separated, you need to discuss with me what happens: I have a choice, and I don’t think living together is a good idea. He threw his front door key at me and stormed out yelling ‘I’ve got a fucking cancer diagnosis, can’t you be more flexible?’.

Nope. Wouldn't be happening.

He was already emotionally abusive. now he'll have a go to excuse for continuing the abuse AND justifying you having to put up with it. Just nope.

I think it would be determined by a few things . How terminal is he and depending on what the abuse was.

He was strong enough yesterday to let himself in, make his demands and storm out throwing a key at you, I’m sure today he can cope with 1 or 2 hours alone with them.
This! Appreciate its very difficult for him but you’ve dodged a bullet. Imagine if it had been found 4m earlier - you’d never have been able to kick him out and you’d be stuck with him. (Don’t imagine that too hard as perhaps it was more treatable 4mo ago, and you can’t change that) If he hadn’t been abusive you would be more helpful now, and less suspicious when he asks for help.

OP, back in September 2020 you said that your husband was going to have surgery and chemo for cancer. Also in October you said that he had a sudden diagnosis after you had decided to break up. How does this fit in with what is happening now? When was his last occurance of cancer? Did he have any treatment? Has this cancer thing only happened since you separated?

Is the home mortgaged? You need an occupation order ASAP keep the home safe for your children

Also how does the six month relationship you had with another man fit in to all this? It all sounds very messy and I would keep things as simple as posssible, which means not looking after your ex who may or may not have cancer.

It isn't best for the children to have him back in these circumstances (they will see more of his suffering and their needs will be put behind his as he needs/demands more support from you) and it certainly isn't best for you.

If what he says is true - this is really tough for him. (I agree with above about being a bit cautious - it sounds a bit dodgy and a great opportunity for further emotional abuse).

I can understand you wanting to step in a help a bit (perhaps by taking the children over for short visits rather than their usual stays) but not to take over his care. You have suffered enough at his hands.

If you can find a reason to tell him NO, please do. My verbally abusive and controlling husband was diagnosed with drink related cancer about fifteen months before he died. I nursed him and it was hell. I was too scared to refuse anything in case he left us penniless. I had to cope with a mean spiteful person and marital rape. Take care of yourself and your tinies.