STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

I would take the opportunity to be able to care for the father of my children whom I once loved. He will be able to access care towards the end which will give you a break. It's a very sad situation but you may be able to resolve past differences.

All the very best to you and your family.

There's unanimity on this and for a reason.

No to moving back in, being coerced by him, ending up his default carer, to the children's lives being disrupted.

No to any transgression of your agreements and boundaries.

I’m feeling very fragile today. I really didn’t sleep much, and also struggling to eat very much at all. Hopefully it’s just the shock, and I will regain some strength soon. But at least today I don’t feel confident having the kids by my self. I would love to see them, but do you think you could join us?

You need to recognise this is him already using his illness and the kids against you. If he wasn't the message would be a straight - sorry don't feel up to it can I let you know how I feel tomorrow, or, could they come for just an hour or something similar. Never a flowery poor me message and never "could you join us", it is massively pushing your boundaries.

You are not the bad guy. Sympathise with him yes, do what is right for your kids (which is not seeing their mum being abused in her home), if you feel charitable facilitate dropping the kids at his for short periods he can handle but don't join them.

Do not allow his care is to become your responsibility.

IS there a charity that supports his particular type of cancer?

I'd phone them for advice. See if they can give you isight into what his prognosis is likely to be. They'll know what help and services are available to him.

He should be doing it himself, but if I was you I'd want to be forewarned and fully armed and all that.

As PP have said, you left him for a reason and those reasons were justified and, while his circumstances have changed and that is very sad, his behaviour is unchanged. He's not your problem and there are lots of places to help him which aren't you.

So, he was happy to emotionally abuse you and then move out. But now that life has thrown a big curve ball at him (and yes, it's a shitty one for sure), he reckons he can just reverse all that and you'll put down the welcome mat for him?
Sounds callous, but he made his bed. This is the reality of lying in it - but not in your home, with you running around caring for him as if it's the fucking Waltons.
By all means help out (re: the kids) but from a healthy distance.

@Earlgrey19

He lives nearby — 30 min walk. Or v short drive. He’s not paying rent. (Unusual situation: his employer providing a flat. They will continue to do so even if he has to stop work).

Are Macmillan nurses massively expensive?

I work in palliative care OP. A prognosis is never definite. Sometimes "3 months" can turn out to be a year, sometimes is can turn out to be weeks.

Why do you need a Macillan nurse- what do you need them to do? If he needs care it is his own finances that will be assessed for that, if he doesn't meet the NHS criteria. Don't move him back in.

I'm afraid this sounds harsh, but if he is dying it is not him that will be left with the memories. As his cancer progresses his symptoms will too, and again no one can say what exactly they'll be. But they can be very, very distressing for small children to be around even if not observed.

The shock of a cancer diagnosis shouid not be underestimated

OP has (presumably) been though this once supporting him. And it's even worse for him, being the one that's actually got it. Right now, he's staring death in the face and even the best of us might not have perfect behaviour in those circumstances.

Assuming he's not invented it (and OP thinks he hasn't) then he's likely to be very scared, sad, confused.

It's quite possibly his own fault if he has no-one else to turn to in RL (and family in Aus over zoom just isn't the same - it's shit enough to tell someone in person, but on screen is perhaps even worse) but that won't stop the need for some human contact (and as he may need to go to the CEV post-shield precautionary advice, opportunities are limited)

OP: I think you need firm boundaries, and don't rush in to providing a level of support that you would not be happy to sustain for months/years. You probably do need to sit down face to face with him and talk this through. Not today though - have a good think first about what you would be happy to do, when and how, and what is in DC's best interests

Send the DC with someone (anyone!) else today if you can. Having various levels of plan for how they move between homes is probably good not to be necessary, whatever decisions you and XH make for his remaining time

@Earlgrey19

I think it is true.

However, he needs further tests to find out the extent of it so as of yet we don’t know about stage or prognosis. It’s a recurrence of an initially very aggressive cancer. GP thought very bad news.

Yesterday, after the GP appointment he had let himself in while I was out (I am in the family home and he has a key but the understanding is that he doesn’t let himself in). He told me the news, and that he’d be staying from that moment on and living here again as he said it’s in the kid’s best interests if he’s going to die.

I sympathised with the news but said we are separated, you need to discuss with me what happens: I have a choice, and I don’t think living together is a good idea. He threw his front door key at me and stormed out yelling ‘I’ve got a fucking cancer diagnosis, can’t you be more flexible?’.

It’s as if the cancer means ever else is erased — all the separation agreements we made. Anyone else’s needs.

Today he has sent this message, when I asked him if he’d like to have the kids a bit as planned:

I’m feeling very fragile today. I really didn’t sleep much, and also struggling to eat very much at all. Hopefully it’s just the shock, and I will regain some strength soon. But at least today I don’t feel confident having the kids by my self. I would love to see them, but do you think you could join us?

The thing is, of course he’s struggling, of course he’s feeling fragile but I feel if I agree to join it’s a slippery slope, because he will keep on trying to get me to do what he wants.

But I feel a big pressure to agree.

We haven’t yet separated finances, no.

Change your locks. I was thinking no way you should let him back in for your sakes or the kids. Keep saying to yourself that you need to put the kids first.

So wait a hot second.....

He's just had some symptoms, and the GP (allegedly, you don't even know if it's true) tutted a bit?

That's the extent of what's happened so far????

So you actually DO NOT KNOW if any cancer at all has returned and who the hell is using the word "terminal" when you don't even know if it's returned??!

OP, wake up and smell the manipulation!

You don't even know if he even went to the fucking GP, Christ!

Winstons wish is a fabulous charity for children and bereavement

Surely a cancer diagnosis would come from an appointment with an oncologist not a GP?;apologies if I'm wrong on that one.

I really don't wish to be harsh but are you sure his cancer is terminal if he still needs to have more tests?

This is entirely plausible - they may need to establish extent of spread to decide if palliative chemo can be offered as part of the end of life care. Also whether anything else can be done to make his remaining time more comfortable

Plus it may give further info on how long he realistically has left

I’d also strongly suggest counselling for you as someone who has very recently left an emotionally abusive relationship. It will help sort through the thoughts, guilt and feelings of obligation to help see what is actually best for everyone, you and your kids, in the situation, rather than being reactive.

We've seen this bullshit so many times on here before

"Abusive ex says he has cancer and has 6 months to love, he wants to come back "

Tale as old as time. Forgive me for being super sceptical.

Has he actually had a diagnosis - or has the GP tried to prepare him that this could be a possible outcome and he's run with it? As pp have noted, the way he has immediately jumped to I'm so fragile, I can't physically cope with the children (potentially before even having a diagnosis) is not a good sign.

Also, talk to your solicitor.
As he is dying he can access his pension early (which might otherwise have been part of the divorce settlement). There are all sorts of financial and legal implications and your solicitor should be able to advise what's best.
He may have changed (or could in future) his will, death-in-service beneficiaries etc remember.

From the kids p.o.v. seeing Daddy suffer won't be ... great.
From his p.o.v. he will eventually be ill and vulnerable and he would be NUTS to want to live with someone who doesn't like him!
So it's a bad idea however you look at it.

OP my mother died at home from cancer. Please do not to that to your dear children. x

No!!!!!

If my x said this I wouldn't reply.

It might be a different situation but I can't help but think of my own x asking and that'd be so inappropriate! I wouldn't want to do this to the DC either. Awful.

@twinkletwankle

Without sounding too callous, how long is he expected to have left? Less than a year and I would have him back in the house in a heartbeat.

You've never experienced emotional abuse have you?

Add in them seeing him poorly and potentially feeling like you've refused to let him come home

But it's not his home. His home is a 30 minute drive or a short walk away.

Do not let him back OP. You drew a line in the sand when you left him because he was an abuser. That was an excellent decision and a great demonstration to your D.C. of what is and isn't healthy and acceptable in a relationship. Letting him back now would blur that excellent boundary and teach your children that abuse is acceptable if someone is unwell or has some other excuse.

I would have said that even before I read your update. He is already using his diagnosis as an excuse to break your agreement. He clearly didn't take it seriously. He thinks you are obliged to take care of him. That will get even worse if you let him move back in.

You can be supportive to him as a co-parent in many practical ways but as a partner and carer you owe him nothing. Don't let him bully you or emotionally blackmail you into acting like a partner again. Those days are over.

The thing is, of course he’s struggling, of course he’s feeling fragile but I feel if I agree to join it’s a slippery slope, because he will keep on trying to get me to do what he wants.

You're absolutely right.
His illness hasn't affected his character and he's still looking for ways to control you.
Protect yourself and the children by helping him to cope without letting him take over your life.

Just read your update, sorry, should have already read it.

Even when telling you about his diagnosis he yelled at you and called it his fucking diagnosis and order you to be flexible, ie, let him do what he wants.

Draft in the help of the police if you need to. Do not let this man move back in.

OP, this sounds really tough. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Has he only seen the GP so far, I’d imagine that he’d need to see his consultant to get a proper idea of what’s going on and what his prognosis is. Given the circumstances of your split I wouldn’t consider allowing him to move back in. It’s not like you just grew apart but were otherwise in a respectful relationship and remain on good terms. If you have a difficult relationship this will also impact on your children. As others have said you have no real idea of the prognosis or how long he may need to live with you. It’s possible to support him and support the children seeing him lots without moving him back in. From what you’ve said I don’t think it would be in the best interests of you or your children to have him move in. I hope you’re able to get some answers soon but please don’t feel you’re being selfish. If he is terminally ill your children are about to go through a very hard time and they need you to be in a good place and for their home to be happy and settled bringing him back to live at yours given the reasons you split could make for a very difficult home environment which would impact on all of you.

I'm not saying he's lying but why does he need more tests to see the extent of it if he knows it's terminal already? I'd just be very wary (from experience) about this. Also coming into your home and telling you he's going to live there now? No. Just no. I was sympathetic until I read that. It just smacks of an abusive way to worm his way into living with you again. Be careful op.

Saying no is what is best for you and for your children. You are separated and as awful as it is for him this is not your problem to solve at all. You need to remain separate for your sake. Draw your lines in the sand now - there is plenty of resource out there but it is for him to sort out not you. He is not your responsibility.

His steps so far show that it is not best for you - he didnt ask he tried to tell you.

I would respond that you are sorry that he is feeling fragile and it is understandable but you feel it isnt appropriate for you to see them with him because that isnt in the long term helpful for anyone. You are prepared to be flexible in when he has the children and you are willing to have them when he doesnt but that is it.

No agreeing is right for you and the children.