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Original poster

STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

370 replies

Earlgrey19 · 10/07/2021 08:44

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2021 08:48

It's an awful situation but I would say no.

If he moves in you will become his carer, do you want to provide personal care for him?

If he has family he can ask them to facilitate contact.

Dany165 · 10/07/2021 08:48

What a horrible situation. Say no though. He needs to get carers in when necessary, if he lives with you, you might end up having to do it. It might need a lot more flexibility in terms of times to see the children but you shouldn't have to let him move in.

mdh2020 · 10/07/2021 08:53

Don’t succumb to emotional blackmail. You have to say no to this demand. On the other side of the coin, the wife of a male friend of mine asked him to leave once she received a terminal diagnosis. Your ex needs to arrange for carers and you need to work with him so that he can still see the children,

autumnboys · 10/07/2021 08:56

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I think your focus needs to be your children here and how you support and care for them in this difficult time. I don’t think that allowing him to move back in is in their best interests. I would facilitate contact, as in taking them to his once he is too unwell to collect them himself. Consider help at that point for someone to stay with them while they’re with him to assist. Don’t get sucked into nursing him.

I’m very sorry to ask this, but you do definitely know this is true do you and not an attempt to bring you in line?

SwanShaped · 10/07/2021 08:56

No way. Just coz he’s dying, doesn’t mean he can continue to abuse you. He can see the kids anyway. Saying it’s the only way he’ll see the kids is a continuation of the emotional abuse

Hathertonhariden · 10/07/2021 08:58

The focus should be on the children. How will you care for them if your ex wants you to provide palliative care for him? What will be the impact on them emotionally if their father dies at home - is it better or worse?

LIZS · 10/07/2021 08:59

Facilitate contact, although maybe less overnight, but do not allow him back in. You would become his de facto carer and his illness take over family life and your dc will need space away it.

twinkletwankle · 10/07/2021 09:00

Without sounding too callous, how long is he expected to have left? Less than a year and I would have him back in the house in a heartbeat.

Figgygal · 10/07/2021 09:01

Absolutely not all the sympathies for him and for you it’s a very difficult situation to be in but you can shield your children much more effectively from the worst of his deterioration if he remains out of the home
Harsh but true is he actually just looking for someone to take care of him does he have other family who can provide him that support

EarringsandLipstick · 10/07/2021 09:07

What a difficult situation but I agree with PPs.

Moving back in would be a bad decision for everyone. It would be incredibly unfair on you, as you would end up caring for your abusive ex

You need to work out a suitable way for him to see the DC, based on his condition and treatment. Hopefully you also have good support, as this is a very hard time for you too. 💐

Beautiful3 · 10/07/2021 09:09

Bad idea. You'll end up being his carer, you have no idea how long for. Its another way to control you. Say no.

AtillatheHun · 10/07/2021 09:09

Not a chance. But I would strongly recommend speaking to a child bereavement counsellor about how to manage this process. Without meaning to sound utterly callous, the children are currently becoming used to him not being around all the time. Not being an expert, I would imagine that bringing him back before he goes forever would increase their trauma. Good luck to you all xxx

Orgasmagorical · 10/07/2021 09:09

If he hadn't emotionally abused you, you would probably be more amenable to considering his request but just because he says he is dying it doesn't mean he won't carry on abusing you if he moves back in. Put yourself and your children first, Earlgrey Flowers

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 10/07/2021 09:09

Really grateful for the support, thanks. It’s really hard not to feel like the bad guy big time.

His family are all in Australia, unfortunately, which makes it more difficult.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2021 09:15

He was emotionally abusive @Earlgrey19, getting cancer won't stop this. In fact it gives him a way to manipulate you full-time again.

mynameisbrian · 10/07/2021 09:16

Having terminal cancer doesn’t mean immediate death . They could explore options with him to extend life so I would be asking more questions around prognosis and options. I would suggest you get a better understanding of the reality of his situation before thinking about him moving back in. If he was emotionally abusive this could just be another attempt to use this to move back in. He could be there for years. My DH has terminal cancer but he isn’t dying yet and they think he could live a few more years.

Orgasmagorical · 10/07/2021 09:17

It’s really hard not to feel like the bad guy big time.

I can understand that but you have no obligation to do anything for him. He made his choice when he abused you, please don't let anyone try and make you feel guilty for protecting yourself and your children.

purplesequins · 10/07/2021 09:18

is he actually ill? or pretending to be to get back to you?

Couldhavebeenme2 · 10/07/2021 09:19

As pp has asked, delicately, how terminal is he - are you talking weeks, months, years?

Will he be having carers? Can his family support him or can the visit/support him if he does come back? Has he got lots of treatment planned? How is he expecting to get to/from appointments?

The kids are going to be traumatised enough about losing their dad so young. Add in them seeing him poorly and potentially feeling like you've refused to let him come home (they're young but it only takes one little seed of doubt whether planted maliciously or otherwise) then I don't envy that minefield.

The biggie for me is the emotional abuse. Again, short term, and on your terms, maybe he could see out his last weeks. Anything longer no way. I bet its taken you a livetime of strength to get to where you are now. You see posters on many threads being told its OK to step away, or refuse to help care for elderly relatives when their own mental health is suffering, so I'd support you to refuse to help in your case op.

Whose house is it - have you separated all finances yet?

If he had a few months with a full care plan in place and respite and hospice available for when it's needed then I'd be thinking about it.

Longer term, then no.

He has a family to fall back on. You can still support him seeing the children and facilitate contact for the foreseeable. He is not your responsibility though op.

Terhou · 10/07/2021 09:19

Just checking - are you sure that what he's told you is true?

VettiyaIruken · 10/07/2021 09:20

He wants to move in so you'll take care of him I bet you anything!

Say no.

You can help by bringing the kids to see him, stuff like that but there's no reason he needs to get his feet back under your table!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 10/07/2021 09:21

Another vote for no. Have you actually heard from his doctor or is this what he’s told you?

Theunamedcat · 10/07/2021 09:22

Terminal cancer can take years it can be a long gruelling process that your children would witness first hand

Best keep some separation between them that way they can easily be protected from the worst of it they need positive memories of him not negative

My nan took around five years from her "Terminal" diagnosis to death if you read the newspapers there are story's of people making complete recovery from Terminal cancer its rare but it happens

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 10/07/2021 09:23

No. Just no.

You have separated. You are not his carer. He is not your responsibility.

And I wouldn't even be 100% that he actually has a terminal prognosis or even any recurrence unless you were at the appointment and heard the words yourself.

Spandang · 10/07/2021 09:24

I agree with PP it’s likely he’s going to need significant care in later stages and whatever he says, it will fall on you and it will affect the kids.

At the end of the day, you need to create a safe space and haven for them. And you. Doing this is going to bring more chaos to your door and if we’re being honest, what right does he have to ask that of you all?