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Original poster

STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

370 replies

Earlgrey19 · 10/07/2021 08:44

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Datsandcogs · 10/07/2021 11:37

No. He was and continues to be emotionally abusive. I would want a face to face with a specialist and to hear the prognosis direct from them not STBXH.

It’s time to focus on you and supporting your children. Get in touch with Winston’s Wish. Change the locks unless you are sure he doesn’t have another copy of the key.

spinningspaniels · 10/07/2021 11:37

It sounds very much as if he's trying to take back control.

I'd change the locks, family home or not - he has no business letting himself in like that.

And start making legal headway into your separation.

This could all be a very elaborate plan to get back with you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/07/2021 11:43

NO. He's not to move back and you are not to start doing his contact as a family. I'd just message back, 'No, I'm not joining in. I'll let the kids know you're unwell and won't be seeing them today.'

Do not engage with him. He's abusive.

CommanderBurnham · 10/07/2021 11:45

I'd buy some time.

His response is understandable- he's made a knee jerk reaction from a very vulnerable and frightened place.

I'd firstly offer my sympathy

Then tell him that he doesn't know what this diagnosis means, what lies ahead so it's too soon to be making plans, especially unilateral ones that involve you.

That of course you will facilitate access to his children, but they will always be your priority.

He needs to speak to his Macmillan nurse about support he might need on an ongoing basis.

If you feel it will be better for him at home, then you will make a decision to invite him then but to put care provision in. If he tells his Macmillan nurse from the outset that he is alone, he can access a higher level of support than if he nominates a carer.

How you treat your ex husband will be observed by your children.

Get your support system ready.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 10/07/2021 11:47

Are you legally married OP? Whatever you do, don't divorce him. My friend did this, he married again before he died and left her with the biggest legal mess that's gone on for years. My XH was abusive both mentally and physically. He was diagnosed with an incurable cancer two and a half years on, he's alive and well. Luckily he is married otherwise I know he'd expect me to look after him.

custardbear · 10/07/2021 11:47

I'm skeptical I'm afraid, GP would doubtful say that as they don't know - they're generalists. The oncologist would much more likely give the diagnoses plus treatment options snd a route forwards

Sorry if it's true, but like the others say it doesn't mean he can shoehorn his way back in, the children will suffer and it's about them really.

EwwSprouts · 10/07/2021 11:54

You separated for a reason. Remember that and sort your finances.
Of course let the children visit.

Lampzade · 10/07/2021 11:56

Op, please do not let this man back in the family home.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 10/07/2021 12:02

Don’t.

Your house will become a hospital as he declines. It’s not a nice environment especially for the children. If you can avoid it, please do.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/07/2021 12:02

I’m VERY sceptical the gp said terminal. That’s a two dr job usually your specialist.

You’d be raving mad to have him back, he’d have you run ragged.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 10/07/2021 12:09

I have nursed a beloved relative through terminal cancer, sharing the care with another relative so we both had two weeks living in and two weeks recovering at home.

It was heartbreaking of course, but also strenuous, gruelling, exhausting. Messy and degrading for our dear relative too, and she hated what her poor body was doing. She certainly didn’t want children seeing her at her worst.

We looked after her because we loved her, and she had done a lot for us. It was still awful. And we had a lot of help from professional carers towards the end, from a hospice. I wouldn’t put anyone through that.

Also, it would be a nightmare for small children. Let them visit him, but not have him living with them.

Best of luck, OP. You can help a lot by organising services for him, eg through your local hospice or Macmillan or Marie Curie, and doing what you can yourself.

DinosaurDiana · 10/07/2021 12:11

No, your kids don’t want to see what they will see as he deteriorates.

FinallyHere · 10/07/2021 12:13

There was emotional abuse.

This is the decider for me: I would assume that he is trying to continue and using the illness as his excuse. Polite refusal would be the way to go

It is absolutely as a result of abuse. IMO you should bit be given any chance to abuse the mother of your children. No good father does that. Stay strong for the sake of your children

he had let himself in while I was out

This is where you need the vipers of MN to back you up. Change the CNN locks. Honestly, that gives the message that he has crossed (another ) boundary and doesn't get another chance.

Do you have someone else who could have a key for emergencies?

But I feel a big pressure to agree.

That is what you have us for. He is really pushing boundaries, isn't he. You really don't owe him anything You owe your children a haven away from this.

Eddielzzard · 10/07/2021 12:14

No fucking way. He's going to massively ramp up the emotional abuse. Be very careful here and stick to your guns.

Terhou · 10/07/2021 12:16

The thing is, of course he’s struggling, of course he’s feeling fragile but I feel if I agree to join it’s a slippery slope, because he will keep on trying to get me to do what he wants.

You're absolutely right. If he needs help, he'll have to ask someone else or employ someone.

ElspethFlashman · 10/07/2021 12:20

From your other posts, he's been trying to get his foot back in the door using this or that tactic ever since you separated. In May he was trying to be a live in childminder whilst you were at work.

This is just another tactic, I guarantee it.

BTW, i wouldn't believe a word about even his initial cancer unless you see the diagnosis written down. For all you know he always exaggerated the prognosis.

He's certainly spouting bullshit now if he's only seen the GP.

And you only have his word he even went to the GP.

Or is having any new symptoms at all.

Hijabigirl234 · 10/07/2021 12:21

@autumnboys

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I think your focus needs to be your children here and how you support and care for them in this difficult time. I don’t think that allowing him to move back in is in their best interests. I would facilitate contact, as in taking them to his once he is too unwell to collect them himself. Consider help at that point for someone to stay with them while they’re with him to assist. Don’t get sucked into nursing him.

I’m very sorry to ask this, but you do definitely know this is true do you and not an attempt to bring you in line?

I know it sounds bad but that’s what I was going to ask to. Just because she said there was emotional abuse before.
LookItsMeAgain · 10/07/2021 12:33

I'm with the others saying nope, no way, no how.
He is your ex for a reason (or many reasons).

Also either get your key back or change the lock that he used his key in to gain access to your home. He shouldn't have that any more.

One other thing @Earlgrey19 - you posted "His family are all in Australia, unfortunately, which makes it more difficult." however this is no longer your issue to resolve. His family could leave Australia and travel for extreme purposes, and if he is terminal, this could cover that criteria.

Best of luck with it all. It's a difficult situation to find yourself in.

Maggiesfarm · 10/07/2021 12:35

From what I remember, MacMillan nurses come free. They are very good too.

You need to confirm that your ex husband really does have a terminal illness before agreeing to anything, op. He probably does but having him back to live with you after a separation is a 'big thing' and it pays to be sure.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2021 12:36

@Disfordarkchocolate

It's an awful situation but I would say no.

If he moves in you will become his carer, do you want to provide personal care for him?

If he has family he can ask them to facilitate contact.

I agree with Disfor. Difficult though it is to say "no" in a situation like this, I think it would be too much, physically, emotionally, and mentally for you cope with.

Had he not been emotionally abusive you would still be together. He is continuing to be emotionally abusive now, emotionally blackmailing you regarding the children. AND, it will not necessarily be the right thing for them, because he may start off being OK with you, but he will very soon become true to his type, and maybe even more so as he becomes increasingly ill and afraid.

And as others have said - many cancers are terminal, but not quick. Booth you and your children may have months or even years of him getting visibly sicker and sicker - it will be horrific! (I speak from experience - my DF spent months as a living, yellowed virtual skeleton with his terminal cancer. He was at home, with my DM taking care of him, poor woman, and it was terrifying - and the stink of a sickroom is dreadful and permeates the whole house.

My children, who had adored their DGF, were terrified of him at the end (they were 6 and 3).

He is looking for a carer - and he will very soon start bullying you again.

I wouldn't let him back. Let him find another way to maintain contact with the children.

Terhou · 10/07/2021 12:36

However, he needs further tests to find out the extent of it so as of yet we don’t know about stage or prognosis. It’s a recurrence of an initially very aggressive cancer. GP thought very bad news.

If he's only seen the GP he doesn't know that the cancer has returned, let alone whether it's terminal.

EL8888 · 10/07/2021 12:41

No, just no. Let’s assume he’s not lying and he’s ill then it could be hard for the children seeing him like that on a daily basis. Plus very draining and a massive understanding for you. If he is lying, then it’s just more of him abusing and controlling you.

Who does he think he is letting himself into your house and telling you what’s happening?! This also makes me lean towards thinking he’s lying of exaggerating

MakeMeCleanTheHouse · 10/07/2021 12:42

I was of the immediate view you should have him back but having read everything else I think you'll find yourself still dealing with emotional abuse and terminal illness blackmail in two years....

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 10/07/2021 12:42

OP - other matters aside, your STBXH will have online access to his healthcare records with the GP.

I wonder if he might reasonably choose to let you see them so that you can form a view as to any prognosis or care options that are offered to him.

Giraffey1 · 10/07/2021 12:42

My advice would be to say no. It’s clear his abuse of you is continuing, cancer or no cancer.
Why does he still have a key? He can’t be coming and going at whim, or insisting he moved back in. It isn’t his choice to make. Are you legally in a position where you can change the locks?
You need some really firm boundaries set up now, ones that protect you and your children while enabling him to see the children elsewhere.