STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

Absolutely not. Abusers don’t become decent human beings just because of they have cancer. You aren’t his carer nor his support human.

Facilitate the children seeing him as much as is feasible but retain your boundaries. It might be worth contacting Cruse, the bereavement charity, for advice on how best to support your children as their father’s illness progresses.

You need to know more. My DH's cancer was incurable, but he had a good eighteen months. Some people have longer.

I wouldn't do this to your children. He wants someone to look after him. Of course he does. We all would in that situation. But you are no longer a couple.

Definitely don't have him back in the house.

He will need care you can't provide.

Him asking for this also sets off alarm bells when you've said he was emotionally abusive - this sounds like it could be a trap.

Ultimately the best thing for you, your kids, AND him is for him to stay in his own place.

Be very careful what you commit to. Cancer treatments are moving all the time. A family member was initially told they had less than 6 months (lots of Macmillan support, benefits fast-tracked etc). While it was never cured, they were well enough to live independently for 4 years before needing full nursing care.
Help the children to be able to spend time with him - including being flexible about days to fit around treatments etc, but I think him moving in would be a terrible idea.

Definitely don't do this. He may live with cancer for years. Carry on living separately. He can still see the children.

He just want a carer. He's in a very sad situation but he is not your responsibility any longer as you are separated.

@Earlgrey19 Just to echo PPS - having lost two parents to cancer, it would not be in the best interests of either you or your young children to share your home with xh while he goes through his final months. It's agony.
Facilitate as much time with the children as possible, but they are very young and I think their home needs to not be your X's hospice. It's going to be difficult enough for them, and I think they need their home to be a haven away from your xh dying, with all that entails.

It's very hard, but that's what I would say.

Could he rent somewhere nearby so that he can see the children often without having to move in?

This is so very hard. Your main concern is helping your children through this. You’ve been separated before he became terminally ill. It’s not like you’re abandoning him. As awful as it sounds he is going to have to accept that they are your main concern not him.

No chance, and are you really sure. My abusive ex used to attempt suicide to get his own way, he went too far with his new partner ( I always got help, she switched her phone off). Manipulative people go to some lengths, your duty is to your children not your ex

I would say 'no'

You do not yet know his prognosis, or what treatment regime there will be (could be anything from 'maybe years, with some palliative treatment that is not too gruelling' to 'weeks and we'll do what we can', or anything in between)

I'm assuming you don't want to be his career for any length of time? And that you may not have space for a separate bedroom for him, with hospital bed and commode?

He can still see the DC. You take them to his. And if he's not well enough to look after them, you stay or you send them with a baby sitter (do any of your neighbours have sensible older teens? - they would be suitable)

If he moves into yours, then the NHS and adult social care staff will assume you are the carer and it will be a struggle to get them to provide anything other than equipment and some HCP visits to keep on top of what prescribed drugs are needed.

If he's living alone, then there will be more input (someone else will for example wash and feed him) and you can top that up on a visiting basis.

You can show your DC you still care for their father from a distance. And you'll be able to take them home if there are times when it becomes distressing.

Do start looking I want for resources about talking to children about cancer, supporting them when a parent is dying and bereavement charities. Try Macmillan as your starting point, even better google to see if there's a local cancer support centre near you.

I think you need to know more on timescale and are you willing to be a carer.

Children are very young. You need to think about long term finances. Will his pension / insurances pay out to you or elsewhere?
I'd certainly make those part of the conditions of him moving back in.

Could he rent somewhere nearby so that he can see the children often without having to move in?

How's he going to pay for rent if he's too ill to work?

No no no

You are not “the bad guy” if you don’t

It would work for him (a full time live in career, seeing the kids whenever) but not for you

It’s not fair if him to ask you

Make sure you accommodate the kids seeing him and spending time with him, but beyond that you don’t owe him more.

It’s really tough, and awful for him, but you need to think about yourself here too

I think you need to let him move back in for your children’s sake. But are you certain it is true?

Do not agree to anything out of a sense of guilt or obligation. You do not owe anything to someone who abused you emotionally. And you need to protect your DC.

Do not accept his word on this. Harsh as it sounds, he could be exaggerating or lying. If you need proof for yourself and the DC, then ask to go with him to the doctor but do not take his word for anything. Hard as it is, I would just say no and treat anything he says with huge scepticism.

Get him some information about home care, palliative care, hospice care locally and give that to him when you tell him he cannot move back in. Your excuse (genuine) is the DC. They are just getting used to him being absent, you don't want them plunged back in to am uncertain, stressful situation, he needs to buy in help. (You don't need to say this bit , but most of all, you cannot have them living with an emotionally abusive person again.)

How's he going to pay for rent if he's too ill to work?

He needs to see a Macmillan money adviser ASAP, and OP needs to get on to a mediator and lawyer also ASAP to work out the financial settlement for divorce - I know it seems precipitate, but he might need his share of what his part of the settlement is right now. OP should not be railroaded, but it's only fair to get on with this.

Also, he'll be in the same boat as those who had their active cancer diagnosed before or during the pandemic in terms of needing to live by the post-shield precautionary advice. He shouid get on to the shielding support services (whilst they still exist)

Absolutely no way.

By doing this you would also orchestrate that your children will have no escape from his cancer and its potential horrid progression.

With your living arrangements already set up the way they are, you are able to provide your children with a safe space away from it too. No need for them to feel guilty about that, as it is what they already have now.

(I've had cancer in case that helps explain my view. And obviously, I'm not saying children need time away from those with cancer! I'm just saying your current living arrangements also provide some benefits for your children.)

I share the thoughts of a previous poster sadly. Before giving this dilemma any further consideration OP, are you certain this diagnosis is true?

@purplesequins

is he actually ill? or pretending to be to get back to you?

I didn’t like to say it but seeing as others have thought the same…

I’d want to hear it direct from the consultants mouth that he has terminal cancer, and know how long they think he has left.

And it would still probably be a ‘no’.

I think it is true.

However, he needs further tests to find out the extent of it so as of yet we don’t know about stage or prognosis. It’s a recurrence of an initially very aggressive cancer. GP thought very bad news.

Yesterday, after the GP appointment he had let himself in while I was out (I am in the family home and he has a key but the understanding is that he doesn’t let himself in). He told me the news, and that he’d be staying from that moment on and living here again as he said it’s in the kid’s best interests if he’s going to die.

I sympathised with the news but said we are separated, you need to discuss with me what happens: I have a choice, and I don’t think living together is a good idea. He threw his front door key at me and stormed out yelling ‘I’ve got a fucking cancer diagnosis, can’t you be more flexible?’.

It’s as if the cancer means ever else is erased — all the separation agreements we made. Anyone else’s needs.

Today he has sent this message, when I asked him if he’d like to have the kids a bit as planned:

I’m feeling very fragile today. I really didn’t sleep much, and also struggling to eat very much at all. Hopefully it’s just the shock, and I will regain some strength soon. But at least today I don’t feel confident having the kids by my self. I would love to see them, but do you think you could join us?

The thing is, of course he’s struggling, of course he’s feeling fragile but I feel if I agree to join it’s a slippery slope, because he will keep on trying to get me to do what he wants.

But I feel a big pressure to agree.

We haven’t yet separated finances, no.

A big fat no from me too. He is an ex for a reason and the fact he may be dying is neither here nor there. It's not going to suddenly make you fall in love with him again and want to nurse him. Mil had terminal cancer. She lived for nearly 3 years. Just say no. And say no to him being at your house. He can have the kids over to his, and if he's not up to overnights or gets too sick then they can visit him during the day and come home in the evening. Do not allow him to manipulate you. You are not responsible for him.

Change the locks today and don’t give him a key.
I’m sorry he has a grim diagnosis but please don’t let him move in. Not for one night, not ever.

He needs a few days to process then
He needs to have those tests and find out the prognosis.
He needs to be a grown-up.

You are separated. You are under no obligation. Do what you think is appropriate.

Oh wow. After reading your update absolutely no.

I think I would go back to him suggesting shorter more frequent visits with the kids, which will be more manageable for him, but you won’t be joining them.

He was strong enough yesterday to let himself in, make his demands and storm out throwing a key at you, I’m sure today he can cope with 1 or 2 hours alone with them.

Ok, so after reading your update he is being totally manipulative, regardless of his diagnosis. Change the locks asap. Tell him he is welcome to have the kids for a visit at his apartment but that you are not available to go. He's trying to make you feel guilty - do not fall for it.