STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

He needs to see a Macmillan money adviser ASAP, and OP needs to get on to a mediator and lawyer also ASAP to work out the financial settlement for divorce - I know it seems precipitate, but he might need his share of what his part of the settlement is right now. OP should not be railroaded, but it's only fair to get on with this.

Financially it might make more sense for the Op to remain married and inherit his half of the house, and any savings or investments.

Assuming she is in the UK, Widowed parents benefit only lasts 18mths it's not like a few years ago when it lasted until child was out of full time education.

Can the Op afford the house on her money alone?

Remember they'll be no child maintenance money.

My brother and mother were both given terminal cancer diagnosis and both lived for less than a year following their diagnosis. My friends husband on the other hand was given a terminal diagnosis and lived for nearly five years with palliative care. It all depends on how far , and where , the cancer has spread.

He lives nearby — 30 min walk. Or v short drive. He’s not paying rent. (Unusual situation: his employer providing a flat. They will continue to do so even if he has to stop work).

Are Macmillan nurses massively expensive?

This sounds horrendously difficult op. If I were you, I would start as you mean to carry on and say that if he is too fragile to have the kids then they are staying with you for the moment, and he will need some support such as a baby sitter or nanny for future occasions.

Also I would strongly recommend that you see a really good solicitor to help sort out finances. Borrow the money from your parents or sell something if you have to.

He's using his diagnosis to continue the abuse. Stick to your guns about this.

His request today is fair - I'd suggest taking the children to the park or something similar. Don't let him spend a lot of time in your home and definitely don't let him move back in so he can treat you like his skivvy.

You need more information, is it very imminent or simply they cannot cure? Many people live with cancer they know cannot be cured for many years, decades even. If he has 6 months to live then letting him back would be the compassionate thing to do, if that isn't the case he might be using it as emotional blackmail to you, check it's even true!

What would I do? Tough but I think it comes down to your relationship, whether he can see why it broke down and how long he's got quite frankly

@Disfordarkchocolate

He was emotionally abusive *@Earlgrey19*, getting cancer won't stop this. In fact it gives him a way to manipulate you full-time again.

I can’t think of a less blunt way to say this but are you sure he has cancer again? Is it definitely terminal? Because it’s a great way to reverse the separation isn’t it?

No. He’s already trying to emotionally blackmail you. I’m really sorry he is poorly and that you are going through this but please stay strong & dont go backwards.

I'd want to see something in writing saying that it's terminal and how long he has I'm afraid. Or hear it straight from the doctor.

You say he's been emotionally abusive, as much as I'd hate to think he's lying I'd still want to hear a doctor say it.

Are you divorced? Who owns the house now?

What are his plans for care when he is near the end?

I don't think I'd agree to him moving back in. I'd agree that he can see the kids more, but not living together.

Sorry but he is abusive, having read your update.

My DH has an aggressive cancer, however he is having immuno to slow the spread. Your ex has no idea what options may be available to him. My DH cancer biology changed so he was able to have immuno, prior he wasnt suitable for it. Your ex hasnt even got a full idea of the situation and is trying to reinsert himself back into the house using his 'diagnosis' as an excuse. I am assuming he didnt want to split? Living with someone who knows there death is coming sooner than they hoped is very hard. I am struggling with dealing with my DC and my DH and we are together. So there is not a chance I would i would be advising that you bring an abusive man back into your home as your signing yourself up to years more abuse.

@Lockdownbear

He needs to see a Macmillan money adviser ASAP, and OP needs to get on to a mediator and lawyer also ASAP to work out the financial settlement for divorce - I know it seems precipitate, but he might need his share of what his part of the settlement is right now. OP should not be railroaded, but it's only fair to get on with this.

Financially it might make more sense for the Op to remain married and inherit his half of the house, and any savings or investments.

Assuming she is in the UK, Widowed parents benefit only lasts 18mths it's not like a few years ago when it lasted until child was out of full time education.

Can the Op afford the house on her money alone?

Remember they'll be no child maintenance money.

Good point, but you can work out what would be fair in a divorce type settlement, and release some money to him (if indeed the would get any, it's far from a given) as he might not have long to spend it and may need to spend to make his life comfortable.

You don't need to do the actual divorcing bit at the same time.

Are Macmillan nurses massively expensive?

You need to look to see if they are available at all (the service is less that it appears IYSWIM). He should also look at Marie Curie nurses.

And he should be doing this - at least until he becomes incapable. You might be the only person willing to step up when that point comes, and it will use up a considerable about of your time and energy and emotional resources. Don't be too willing to take on tasks that he is still well able to do himself.

OP: do you have anyone you can call on as an emergency baby sitter?

Do not go round to his today - don't make elaborate excuses, simply say 'regret I am unable to bring he DC round today. I shall be sending them with X who also cannot stay but can come and pick up on short notice if you feel you are not coping'

Oh fuck no. Everything about the way he told (not asked) you and his behaviour since shows exactly how he means for this to play out. Receiving a terminal diagnosis doesn't stop someone being an abusive sack of shit. In his case it sounds very much like it's going to make him even worse.

He will make your life a living hell for as long as he has left. Proceed with the divorce as planned. He needs to manage his own relationship with the children from here on. Don't even give in to his pitiful requests that you go with them to his contacts time. That's just the way he's going to start getting back inside your head.

He's already starting to use the cancer to manipulate you. If you don't stand firm he's going to go over your life like a steamroller. You'll end up caring for him even if he has a carer. I can't begin to imagine how much resentment and guilt you might then end up with.

For today, could you offer to wait in a cafe or something nearby and he can call you to collect the children straight away if he feels he’s not coping? It’s facilitates him seeing the children, but sets the boundaries that the children’s interests come first and that you are not prepared to be in his company because of his past abuse.

Your kids have just adjusted to him not loving there's. Then he'll be living there again (mommy and daddy and back together, yay!!!!!!) then he'll get frail and die and leave them again. It will screw with them so much more messing th about like this, as if his death isn't already going to be a tragedy for them

What an awful position to be in, but tbh if he is joint owner on the property it may not be your decision to make as legally he owns it as well. I really hope there is a solution you can come up with.

His reaction to you merely saying that you living together tells me everything I need to know.

You are separated. You separated due to emotional abuse(?).You are not obligated to him.

You owe it to yourself and your children to keep a distance for that reason alone.

If he moves in you will be his carer and whipping boy by the looks of it because, you know, he’s dying.

Now that sounds callous but it isn’t. Not really. I have sympathy because his illness is terminal. He may be accepting but he could be so angry and frustrated also.

The reality is that he could live on for years. Do you want that? Do you want to subject you and your children to the harsh realities?

He may say it would be in the children’s best interests. I don’t believe it is.

I’m so sorry because this is an awful situation to find yourself in but I would be keeping a healthy distance.

You separated for a reason. It doesn’t sound as though that reason has gone away.

Without the emotional abuse, my answer might have been different.

And he really doesn’t get to let himself into your home uninvited either.

Please don't let him back.
Remind him the children can be very loud and will make demands on him 24/7 As they are too young. That he is already saying he can't cope with them on his own.
Tell him this way he can see them on his good days.
Do not become his slave.

You may not have a choice here OP. If you own the house jointly I think he would be well within his legal rights to move back in regardless of your feelings on the matter? Morally obviously its a different story, but I imagine he might take a 'fuck it I'm dying, what is there to lose' approach? Re changing the locks - I'm pretty sure it's been said on here before that doing so is a big no no where the other party is a joint homeowner.

But my sympathies as it does seem like it's a case of expecting you to forget all past bad behaviour now he's scared and wants your help. Well that's not how life works really, is it. While it may be in your children's best interests to provide a degree of support to him, you definately need to establish very clear boundaries around how much you are willing to give. Otherwise you could easily end up falling onto a full time carer role as time goes on.

I feel very sorry for him and his situation. Separate to this, he is using the situation as a stick for more emotional abuse of you. You will have to be really strong with your boundaries.

You are no longer his partner and you have absolutely no obligation to facilitate, find or pay for help, for your abuser. You will be miserable if you give an inch. Maintain your home as your safe place - this might mean moving to a different house so there’s no confusion over it being the “family home”.

So he didn't even ask? he just told you? red flag!

Nah, entering your home and ordering you to take him back, then screaming and shouting and refusing to have the children he was so desperate for because you didn't give him what he demanded?

And then to not have all the results back and the GP to hint that he's probably going to be dead soon, instead of a proper investigation and appointments with the consultant and nurses at an Oncology Unit after tests are completed, his case has been through a multidisciplinary meeting and they know exactly what is there?

I don't believe him at all. Not one word of it.

My fil had terminal cancer and was expected to live between 6 months to a year but he defied all specialist by living almost another 5 years. Your children will just be getting used to to heir Dad not in your home. If he moves back in it will confuse them. Your exh will need to pay a carer when he can't look after himself anymore. You can do your bit by driving kids over to him when he gets too I'll to collect them. Get bereavement counseling for your kids lined up for when they will need it as often long waiting list. So sorry you are having to go through this. It must be a nightmare for you all.

Your latest posts definitely sound like emotional manipulation. I suggest keeping things constant until Ex's doctors understand the full extent of his illness and have a clear idea of how they plan to proceed.

You need to know what you're agreeing to before you change anything. What's the prognosis, and is he likely to be well enough to supervise kids by himself during treatment?

When you know that then you can be sympathetic, but to a point... and that point will have strong boundaries in place.

I really don't wish to be harsh but are you sure his cancer is terminal if he still needs to have more tests? If he moves back in with you you will become his carer and the separation actually disappears. Having nursed a close relative during their final months (which turned out to be 11 months) its really tough physically and emotionally.
In your situation i would want to see written evidence of any diagnosis after these tests. And keep the key he threw at you so he cant access the home without your consent.
He may be able to claim something from his life insurance to help him with bills if he cannot continue to work. He should speak to Macmillan financial advisor for advice.