STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

It will be very easy for the kids to understand. You had separated. He is manipulating you. Say no

Thanks all, yes, I’m holding to my boundaries and making my list of what they need to be. He gets some results on Fri, so I’m preparing for that to be potentially hard, if they are bad, including possibly another scene or set of demands, so will be ready.

Tomorrow he wants to see the kids, so I’ve said I’ll drop them off. Agree I don’t need to stay until they need me too, much further down the line.

Attagirl.

Stay strong.

We're with you, Earlgrey

I separated from my emotionally abusive partner a few months before a cancer diagnosis. He died 18 months later (it was quicker than expected). We had 2 teenage children. I didn't let him move back home but did end up doing a lot of things for him - taking him to appointments, visiting him in hospital, doing shopping and housework, inviting him for meals so he could see the DC, accompanying the DC to his house. He continued to emotionally abuse both me and the children (accusing us of causing his cancer for example) which has caused long-lasting psychological damage to one of the DC who believes they killed their father. I very much regret being drawn back in to any sort of relationship with him. He left his affairs in such a way that it caused me financial problems for years.
It is an unbelievably hard situation to be in. You are still coming to terms with the separation and now have to deal with his terminal illness and the effects that both things have on you and your children.
You have all my sympathy.

Oh my goodness rose that’s terrible that your ex would say that.

I knew of someone that lost her house after her partner ran up massive debts in both their names whilst completing his bucket list. I think he'd mentally declined towards the end but was still able to commit fraud. He was someone that had been totally devoted to her so who knows what he was thinking about at the time.

I'd get split in every way from someone like the OPs ex. There's no of knowing what harm he could potentially cause.

I would be so tempted to tell him - subtly or openly - that once he's dead you'll have sole control of the narrative of your relationship. Mind you knowing he's going to lose that control would probably give him strength to fight the cancer (if he is actually telling the truth). Probably better just to keep mentally reminding yourself of the fact. Stay strong.

I just realised probably he will specify children as recipients of Death in Service benefits (& pension), which kids can’t then touch until they’re 18, meanwhile we could be really struggling. It’s not that I want loads of money. It’s that only earn £14k and am scared about supporting me & kids.

My mum told me this eve: “Maybe make sacrifices now, it is life-long finances you have to worry about!”. But my mum really isn’t always helpful. And of course I could do that and then I’m still not the recipient. We are still married but I think it doesn’t automatically go to spouse if the deceased has nominated someone else/other dependents…

Roseau thank you for your sympathy and I’m so sorry you and DC had to go through that

@Earlgrey19

I just realised probably he will specify children as recipients of Death in Service benefits (& pension), which kids can’t then touch until they’re 18, meanwhile we could be really struggling. It’s not that I want loads of money. It’s that only earn £14k and am scared about supporting me & kids.

My mum told me this eve: “Maybe make sacrifices now, it is life-long finances you have to worry about!”. But my mum really isn’t always helpful. And of course I could do that and then I’m still not the recipient. We are still married but I think it doesn’t automatically go to spouse if the deceased has nominated someone else/other dependents…

This is another reason why you need to speak to a solicitor asap. They should be able to advise you on the death benefits issues.

But your mum is wrong. It's not worth the sacrifice, especially since there's no guarantee that he'd provide for you or that his 'terminal' stage won't last for years.

*This is another reason why you need to speak to a solicitor asap. They should be able to advise you on the death benefits issues.

But your mum is wrong. It's not worth the sacrifice, especially since there's no guarantee that he'd provide for you or that his 'terminal' stage won't last for years.*

And if he knew about this it would be the best possible control tactic.

Not worth it. I would just work off the assumption I wasn't getting anything because unfortunately you can't count on it and it's not worth ruining your and the kids' lives over.

I agree, your mum is wrong! He could live for years, grind you down and still not name you as the recipient

I agree that a discussion with a solicitor might be a good idea though.
many death in benefit are only paid to the official spouse. plus certain benefits.
it might be beneficial to stay officially married but separated.

Plus if you're free to live your own life in the next couple years you could get a higher paying job/meet someone new. This would be a preferable option to me!

You are earning £14 k because you are newly qualfied and have only just joined the workforce. I think you said it's a low paid niche kind of field, but it's unlikely to stay that low. Or you could donsonethung else (completely, or alongside your chosen field)

You mentioned in your earlier thread that the house is owned outright. You do not need such a high income when you are not paying rent or a mortgage. So you might an able to jig along very happily on your current income level.

And you need proper legal (and financial) advice

He's going to be having a bad day today - it's his results day and his 'scanxiety' could be high (it is for most people). One of the reasons they use PET scans is to hunt for metastases. The news is likely to be very good or very bad, and I feel for anyone going through this.

Whatever today brings, OP, you do not have to agree to anything. If you need time to gather your thoughts, tell him that - just say something along the lines of ' can't answer that now, it's a lot to take in I need time to think'

Thanks AuntieStella, that’s very helpful — time to gather my thoughts. And true income unlikely to stay that low. This morning I could maybe downsize to a 2 bed house while the kids are little if I really needed to.

This morning I thought

I wouldn't down size, every time you move it must cost £5k including legal, estate agents and if you want to up size again stamp duty.

It might be more beneficial to stay married but widowed parents benefit only lasts 18mths. It used to be until kids were out of school.

Take time to think and gather thoughts.
Depend on the type of cancer they'll have an idea of time scales. But he might need to ask for that information.

I wouldn't assume the kids can't touch anything until they are 18. If the pension has a children's provision then it may well pay monthly until they turn 18. (Sometimes later if in FT education)

A death in service benefit is typically paid to whomever the person has names in an expression of wish, but ultimately determined by the trustees.

Perhaps in time once his prognosis is more clear, you will have to have a chat about it because of the DC.

Hope today is ok for you. Just remember that you don’t have to make any decisions urgently. Being mortgage free is a good financial position to be in so you’ve got time.

STBXH just called - PET scan & CT were clear, except for showing lymph node activity , but not a pattern that suggests relapse.

It’s the best possible news.

At the same time I can’t believe what I’ve been through and how insistent STBXH was that doctors are saying it’s relapse. I think he did genuinely think that. But he didn’t allow any room for doubt and has massively mobilised everyone. His Dad is already on a plane from Australia. I mentioned presumed relapse in passing to both my bosses. I guess the thing is there’s still some uncertainty. I remember a rollercoaster of conflicting test results at diagnosis: CT and endoscopy came back clear and then PET found a whopping tumour in his stomach… and he’s very high risk for recurrence statistically given the type and stage of the cancer he had.

But to those who said I needed to see evidence of test results first and with my own eyes, I am paying heed to this next time.

God!

Thank you all so much for your support over the last week. It has really helped me, and especially with highlighting the importance of my boundaries in the midst of all this. There will be more to come like this no doubt, but I can be prepared!

Wow. I think he majorly exaggerated this for sympathy, look at me, take me back, I must be cared for.
So glad for you that you agreed to nothing.