STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

Really helpful suggestions, everyone, thanks.

I’ve sent a message to him this eve about boundaries.

My MIL's mum got terminal cancer and was told she had months to live.
Despite not having the smoothest relationship with her MIL moved her into her house.
She lived for over another ten years after a successful new treatment.

In your situation with young dc and with him being an emotionally abusive ex I wouldn't consider moving him back in.

He has no key.
He wants to spend time with them, but at your house,, & won't actually be there to spend tine with them...
Er ...No.

I haven't read the whole thread - so apologies if this is irrelevant. If you're struggling, feeling some obligation to him, you may want to think about whether you want your kids be sharing a home with someone who is so ill, and they will have full visibility (possibly distressing) to the decline and end of life events. It's not nice and you may want to shield your children from that, regardless of the pressure he's putting on you. And yes to others that have said stand firm, don't let him manipulate you. Other arrangements can be made so he can see the children frequently and regularly. 💐

I thought I had posted a second response to this thread but it doesn't appear to have saved.
Anyway, I think, until you know and he knows from his oncologist and consultant what the diagnosis is and prognosis is, he may have terminal cancer but it is equally possible that he could live another 5-10 years with the cancer being treated, you just don't know.

I wouldn't be making any offers of having him stay with you. You need to carry on with the separation and possible divorce proceedings through your solicitor. If his dad can rent somewhere when he returns to the UK, he could find somewhere that they could rent together.

I may be coming across as heartless and cruel but the accommodation issues of your ex are not yours to fix.

Good luck, OP. And consider adding a lock.

Good for you for boundary setting.

You are quite right to do that.

You didn't separate over nothing. You made a choice and you get to exercise your choice and his illness is sad and challenging but no longer your responsibility.

Carry on.

I hope that you have some real life support.

He sounds extremely nasty and like many others on the thread, I really wonder if he has been given a terminal diagnosis or has he actually exaggerated whatever he was told, in order to abuse you again.

or you could say ''you're not my responsibility so it wouldn't be fair to you to die here, you need a professional carer''/

I think that the way he has treated you in the past, and the reasons for your separation in the first place will naturally affect how you feel about this and he needs to realise that, if at all possible.
You will be extra distrustful and even more wanting to keep him at arms length.
He needs to understand and accept that your boundaries are coloured by his behaviour to you during your marriage.

The understanding, flexibility and cutting slack needs to work both ways.

Grey rock.

You know that you are right and you really do need those boundaries - no matter how sorry you are for him. (That is not a selfish 'need' either. You are your children's support and they need you strong too. Ignore well-meaning outsiders who think other things.)

There is no point in trying to persuade him. He will simply use arguments as a way to find weakness and ways of getting to you. He is a manipulator even if he has cancer.

He can't argue past a grey rock!

As the old adage says: The less said the better.

He doesn't really want to know your 'whys' or what your thinking. He just wants to gather 'ammo' to use against you and to negate your reasoning. He wants to learn your thoughts in order to batter down your defenses and your boundaries. That's what emotional abusers do.

I agree, solicitor ASAP. You need to find out if you're better off 'letting it ride' or if you need to divorce ASAP. If it's decided that the legal wheels need to start turning, I'd be willing to bet your solicitor could demand proof of his diagnosis/prognosis.

I know you have the NHS and all, but you need to get a picture of any debt liability you may be responsible for if you are still legally married at the time of his death or that could be taken out of his estate before disbursement. It may be to your benefit to have the assets already divvied up as part of a legal separation agreement or divorce settlement.

'Let's not jump the gun. You don't know that, so don't borrow trouble before it's here.'

Good advice from "Eagle"

Plus - he's "too tired" to have proper time with the children now, and needs to rest, so it would be totally against his best recovery chances to have him live with you and the children, where they would be running up and down, screaming and laughing (as young children do) while he is trying to rest after aggressive cancer treatment, wouldn't it?

(Plus - contact with patients who undergo radiation therapy/chemotherapy has to be carefully controlled. It can be dangerous for other people to come into contact, even regarding shared bathroom use etc. You have the children to consider - they are small and vulnerable)

@wheresmymojo

OP I would highly recommend doing an exercise which will help you to have good boundaries in this tough situation.

Now...before things have got even more difficult, write a list of your boundaries around this that you want to stick to for the duration and that are perfectly reasonable boundaries to have.

As this situation progresses your Ex will (as he already is) most likely constantly push at your boundaries and you will constantly be put in the position of feeling like you don't know what a reasonable decision is because you've only been separated a short time and probably haven't fully adjusted to being confident about your boundaries after a long term abusive relationship.

Keep this list of your boundaries somewhere you can refer to frequently (like the notes on your phone).

I can't tell you what your boundaries should be, but to give you examples of what mine would be it would be things like:

• As we are separated I will not consider taking on any duties of a spouse: this includes any caring, living together, resolving anything on his behalf such as organising care, etc

• I will not take part in the DCs visits until he is in the final stages of his illness and I am attending to support the DC emotionally at shorter visits

• I will be flexible with his times/days to see the children due to medical appointments and around the impact of any treatments like chemo which may leave him too tired at times for long visits but not to the extent that this requires significant inconvenience for me or DC except in the final stages of his illness

• When he reaches the stage of being too physically ill to care for the DC, I will pay a chaperone so that he can still have them to visit. Physical illness does not include simply not sleeping well the previous night.

A therapist once recommended this to me in a different situation and having a list of boundaries I had written down was much easier than trying to make case-by-case decisions every time the other person tried to push my boundaries.

This is excellent advice

Gastric cancer has a poor prognosis. I think I'd be saying that it will be far too distressing for the children to live in the same house as their dying father. Watching him deteriorate will be horrific for them and will likely traumatise them. No, no. no.

He needs to stay living in his own place, with the agreed contact with the children that is currently in place, until he deteriorates to such a degree where that contact with the children is appropriately supervised or minimised.

If you feel you want to, help him find resources such as carers, support groups, and so on. And be flexible with the children's visits around his hospital appointments. But that's as far as my support would go.

As the old adage says: The less said the better.

He doesn't really want to know your 'whys' or what your thinking. He just wants to gather 'ammo' to use against you and to negate your reasoning. He wants to learn your thoughts in order to batter down your defenses and your boundaries. That's what emotional abusers do.

I'm highlighting this because it's extremely useful for anyone dealing with an emotional abuser to remember. Spot on, as always, AcrossthePond.

I know you have the NHS and all, but you need to get a picture of any debt liability you may be responsible for if you are still legally married at the time of his death

OP cannot be liable for any debts of her husband at his death, whether they're still married or not.

The less said the better because an abuser will go on and on badgering you until you innocently or carelessly utter a word or phrase they can seize on, take fake offence at and use to turn themselves into the victim in their mental scenario.

They don't listen to learn, they listen for evidence to use against you.

Plus - he's "too tired" to have proper time with the children now, and needs to rest, so it would be totally against his best recovery chances to have him live with you and the children, where they would be running up and down, screaming and laughing (as young children do) while he is trying to rest after aggressive cancer treatment, wouldn't it?

See, in his mind OP will be there to keep the children occupied, quiet, and out of his way but will occasionally present them to him for him to do a saintly father act, in between waiting on him hand and foot.

@Terhou

Plus - he's "too tired" to have proper time with the children now, and needs to rest, so it would be totally against his best recovery chances to have him live with you and the children, where they would be running up and down, screaming and laughing (as young children do) while he is trying to rest after aggressive cancer treatment, wouldn't it?

See, in his mind OP will be there to keep the children occupied, quiet, and out of his way but will occasionally present them to him for him to do a saintly father act, in between waiting on him hand and foot.

Yes, yes.

It's only right that she adopts that handmaiden role in view of his extreme entitlement stress.

My lovely dad survived 7 years with terminal cancer, 5 years longer than he'd originally been given as the absolute limit.

Regarding your worries about your financial future - as the house is still mortgaged, there should be compulsory insurance that the bank charge that would pay off the mortgage if either of you die.

@Orgasmagorical

As the old adage says: The less said the better.

He doesn't really want to know your 'whys' or what your thinking. He just wants to gather 'ammo' to use against you and to negate your reasoning. He wants to learn your thoughts in order to batter down your defenses and your boundaries. That's what emotional abusers do.

I'm highlighting this because it's extremely useful for anyone dealing with an emotional abuser to remember. Spot on, as always, AcrossthePond.

Thanks. It was a hard learnt and very painful lesson. If my words can help even one person avoid what I went through it makes it, well, not 'worthwhile' but at least it does give me satisfaction.

@Terhou

I know you have the NHS and all, but you need to get a picture of any debt liability you may be responsible for if you are still legally married at the time of his death

OP cannot be liable for any debts of her husband at his death, whether they're still married or not.

Really? I'm not disputing since I have no knowledge of UK law (vs US).

So if a husband owed, say. £25k in credit card debt and he dies that debt is cancelled? Same for any (private) medical bills? It doesn't have to be paid out of the estate, the wife just gets it all?

My MiL had to file bankruptcy because of FiL's debts. I guess 'community property law' is a double edged sword.

Debts would be taken from his estate, before the remaining value is shared out to the beneficiaries.

If the debts exceed his estate, then any remaining die with him. They are not passed on.

There is a set list for prioritising which debts are paid, if the estate is not going to cover them all