STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

[Earlgrey19]

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

I think you need to ignore what he says, in the sense of not responding to it.

You don't have agree with him, and you don't have to get drawn into debating with him - if it makes you doubt yourself, it really doesn't sound like a good thing.

Remember the idea of a boundaries list? Did you make one? Have you used it for this?

Co--parenting well does not have to be done on the basis of cohabitation now you have separated. You do not have to agree with his ideas.

It will be much harder on the kids to have you stressed and back in old patterns of emotional abuse. I agree with you that it’s better to maintain the status quo and not chop and change. The kids will find that confusing. He is being very manipulative. Which I understand must be very hard for you to not feel like you’re being heartless. But you’re not. You’re protecting yourself and the children. If he hadn’t been abusive, he wouldn’t be living on his own, you would be willingly caring for him. So his situation is on him, not you.

No way in the world would this man turn around and do for you a fraction of what he's expecting you to do for him!

Remember this if you feel yourself softening, not a chance would he take care of you.

. In years to come, I’m sure they will want to know why we were living apart at that point.”

Words fail me here. What is he thinking? Surely the reason you are not together is, well, he chose to be emotionally abusive.

Seems like he is still trying to do so.

Please keep this in mind. It's really not good for your DC to see you 'allowing' him to do so. It's brilliant for them to see you maintaining your boundaries. You have got this.

You aren't being inhumane. I wouldn't reply directly. You've set out your boundaries and stick to them, hard as that may be. The reasons you separated don't vanish just because of what happens afterwards.

With regards to finances, I'm in two minds as to whether you should ask what provision he has made for the DC, which raises the subject or say nothing. If he has an employee pension with spousal provision, you will benefit if you remain married.

@AcrossthePond55

His message was manipulation disguised as 'reason'. Bottom line is he used the threat of 'what will the children think of YOU if you don't have me back' conveniently forgetting that it was HIS emotional abuse that caused the split in the first place! He's trying to imply that somehow the cancer trumps his behaviour. It certainly does not.

And the children aren't going to ask 'why you didn't come together before the end'. It most likely won't even occur to them that you should. And if, by some remote chance they do ask, you will simply tell them an age appropriate truth. If you choose not to share that their father was emotionally abusive, you tell them that sometimes married people can no longer live together and that when that happens it's better that they live apart.

It's an insidious thing with emotional abuse. If he'd had the 'habit' of beating the shit out of you I have no doubt that you'd find it very easy to say "Oh hell no!!" to him moving back. Because the memory and the fear of physical pain stay with us. But with emotional abuse, as we no longer live with it day to day, sometimes the edges 'blur' and the hurtful and manipulative things begin to lose their 'power' as we get further away from it. This is what makes it so hard to, as you say, 'maintain your line'.

If you think it would help, remember and write down past (and obviously, ongoing) instances of his abuse. Fold it up and stick it in a drawer. And when you weaken, take it out, read it, and tell yourself "that's why we aren't together anymore".

He doesn't have to be living there for you to be 'safely supportive' from a distance and to do what is right for the children as far as him spending time with them. But your role is no longer to be his primary carer. He forfeited that right with his behaviour. You do first off what is right for the children, secondly what is right for you, and thirdly what feels 'safe' for you to do for him without sacrificing your 'self' and your happiness.

Totally agree with all of this ^

In years to come, I’m sure they will want to know why we were living apart at that point

They might and then you can explain to them that the marriage had ended before hand, you were already separated and STXH was living alone. But they probably won't want to know that - they are 3 and 6.

I think (having seen someone die from terminal cancer) that it is better if he lives alone and you can then coordinate visits as appropriate depending on his condition. I personally think it can be damaging for children of that age to be exposed to too much trauma of a medical nature.
I'm talking from my own experience here. When I was six a family member had a serious head injury. My parents thought it was appropriate for me to visit her in the head injury ICU in the city hospital. Other cousins were taken and ran out screaming and crying. I didn't. But I still live with the sights and sounds of that. When she was moved to another ward it was just as bad.
I've had a serious medical phobia for many years meaning I have avoided all treatment. It's taken me this long to process where it came from. I'm working on it now - but going into that unit every single day for 6 months caused lasting damage. I have no idea why a 6 year old child was even allowed in there... but it was the early 80s.
Afterwards the relative came to live with us. She fought constantly with me because she had to relearn everything. Some of the medications affected her badly. It was just an awful time. I ended up in constant bother at school - crying and shouting at people. No one even thought that the whole thing might have caused trauma.
I was then ridiculed, laughed at and shouted at by doctors, dentists and nurses because I became hysterical about any kind of procedure.
I'm still dealing with it now. I've come a long way. I am going to try to get a COVID vaccine tomorrow... we'll see.

I have wittered on a lot myself - but it is relevant. You need to be careful what your children are exposed to - especially the 6 year old.
Think about them first when you make any decisions. Protect them from the worst sights and sounds.

Another one saying AcrossthePond has nailed it, again

Earlgrey, to the uninitiated that paragraph he sent you looks to be very reasonable but knowing that he emotionally abused you it's very obvious that he's attempting to manipulate you, again. And his last sentence is a downright threat.

He doesn't need to concern himself about what your kids will think of your decisions, they are valid decisions and you are very capable of discussing with them - ignore these messages.

I think you need to be clear and blunt with him what your boundaries are -

It is not appropriate for him to move into your home. Your relationship - romantic and friends - is irreconcilable, you are separated parents with a civil co parenting relationship and no more. It is not a relationship that could cope with living together in very difficult circumstances. It will be beneficial for the kids to have time away in a safe space (your home) when they need to gather their thoughts/feelings. You sympathise this is not what he wants to hear but after much thought about what you believe is best for you and the kids, you have made your final decision, you will support the kids visiting him whenever they want (without you joining in), but you will not be discussing his living arrangements again.

You need to get that message to him setting out those clear boundaries as soon as possible, before he goes to any scans or gets any further results. It will become harder and harder to draw the line if he gets bad news.

And so the abuse continues ...
@AcrossthePond55 has made great points. Do not be manipulated into feeling guilty. He's succeeding in reeling you back in. Keep your reasons for separating at the forefront of your mind. Cancer will not change his personality for the better.

Does he honestly think you would want to take on his care (which is inevitable even with carers coming and going), have his family or friends traipsing through your house to visit him and expecting you to host them, have carers/medical staff come and go in your house? Just think about the upheaval for you and the dc if this were to go ahead. You will resent him in no time at all and it will be too late to kick him back out then as he'll have nowhere to go and claim to be too ill to look for somewhere. He has a place now - that's where he can stay.

Are you sure he has terminal cancer?

Sorry have read all your posts now. I assume you have been to some of these appts to know for sure. People can have terminal cancer but still have a 2 year survival rate terminal doesnt always mean imminent. If it was me and i knew somone was a few short months from death then maybe i would reconsider but obviously it would depend on how awful the relationship was for you. In might br good to liaise with hospice support to discuss his diagnosis and how best to support the children through this. I imagine the last thing they need is a dying dad and a mum that has put herself back in an abusive situation

Don't engage with him on this. He is using your concern/love for him/what might seem kind or reasonable to manipulate you.

It is what he does.

Stick to your boundaries and keep in mind that he knows you well and even now is using you against yourself!

What you are doing is protecting your children. Stick to what is best for them. (This is also best for you but looking after you is probably not something you are used to making into a priority.) You know this but your kindness and empathy might lead you to listen to his more selfish concerns.

It is true that his is a terrible situation. The illness is not of his doing... but his living away from you all is.

Today he moved into different one bed flat as the other was only available temporarily.
I do feel bad that he has no established sense of home at this time. Kind of feel awful about him moving there today and knowing he’s going to die & is on his own.

Please don't weaken.

His follow up message seemed reasonable, but as others have pointe out, is very manipulative. He is "behaving himself", but I can promise you would soon revert to type if you let him return - and in fact tings would probably be even worse! And then you would be in position where you were thoroughly miserable, your children were traumatised AND YOU WERE TRAPPED WITH A DYING MAN THAT YOU CAN'T ASK TO LEAVE - BECAUSE HE'S DYING.

The suggestion that he leaves them some personal letters is a lovely one (but read them before you give them to the children).

He is alone in a place that is new to him because he treated you badly.

Behaviour has consequences.

Unfortunately, the timing of his illness means those consequences are massive, but they are of his doing and not yours.

He's not going to give up trying to manipulate you soon. Keep thinking about your boundaries and what you want and don't give a single inch.

@ihtwsf that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you went through it.

Did you manage to get your vaccine today?

"In years to come, I’m sure they will want to know why we were living apart at that point.”

Because being ill doesn't undo the harm you have done in the past.

Dying of cancer is not romantic, or poignant. It is hard, painful, excruciating, depressing. Your children don't need that in their home, as much as it will be very beneficial to try and make some special memories with their dad while he's still well enough.
The marriage is over - there's no going back.
I hope a place in a hospice can be found for him where he can be made more comfortable, eventually.
You don't need to justify your position.

What do the children already know about why he's moved out?

You could grey rock him by reminding him of that and saying you are totally comfortable with that explanation.

But better if you just remain silent on that

He's looking for a free nurse. Don't be that person

He is so manipulative.

You need to forge ahead rebuilding your own life.

Another thing to note is that emotional abusers aren't going to accept any specific argument - it's not about the argument, it's about staying entangled in an emotionally-charged back and forth.

It's probably better to stop responding, or at least stop responding to his individual arguments - he's only trying to confuse and undermine your determination so he can get the control back.

It's a sad situation but it would be in any case. It's already taking up too much of your time. I would find a way to disengage because right now he's found a way to keep you preoccupied with him even when he's not in your house.

[quote SquashMinusIsShit]@ihtwsf that sounds awful, I'm so sorry you went through it.

Did you manage to get your vaccine today? [/quote]
It's tomorrow. It's a turn up, first-come-first-served thing.
I'm only going because it's the Johnson and Johnson vaccine so I'd only have to go through it once. Can't face having to have two injections.
Might not even get one if loads of people are there. But I'm going to try.

I would not let him move back in.

You do need a plan to facilitate the children spending as much quality time with him as possible. How you set that up is going to be very tricky. If you have family members who could take the kids to his home for frequent visits that might be the best solution. Perhaps look into finding just the most fantastic nanny in the world who can connect with the children and navigate this tricky situation to accompany them as they visit his home multiple times a week? I’m really trying to think of a way that this doesn’t fall entirely to you, but the reality is that the kids will need to visit and the kids will likely need a caregiver during many of those visits. It’s not about him, it’s about them.

Do not let him move back in - he could live for another 2/3/4/ years plus

I know it's hard but you split up for a reason once he's moved back in it will be sooooomuch harder to walk away. Why should you put your life on hold for him?

No. Do what's best for your children. If they're dad is going to die, it won't help them to watch it in close detail. And it won't help them to have their mother distraught and resentful and crushed by having him in the house. If you end up caring for him you could end up a single parent with no job.