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Original poster

STXH terminal cancer wants to move in

370 replies

Earlgrey19 · 10/07/2021 08:44

I’ve been separated about 4 months. My ex moved to a flat. The children have just got used to it. Tragically my ex has just found out he has a cancer recurrence and it’s terminal. Don’t know how long he’s got yet. Our children are age 3 and age 6. He wants to move in as he says that’s the only way he’ll see the children. He was having them 3 nights a week and doesn’t want to see them any less. I do want to facilitate him seeing the kids but I don’t feel I can cope with him moving in or that I can just erase the fact we are separated. There was emotional abuse. Even if he doesn’t move in he wants to be around here all the time — that’s his solution.
I know it’s so hard for him. Any ideas? I think we could probably afford to pay someone to help. Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 11/07/2021 11:35

I really think you need to take legal advice ASAP, Earlgrey. And Women's Aid, if you haven't had their support already Flowers

Tendonsandjoints · 11/07/2021 12:00

He is now saying if he doesn’t live here the family home will still be the main base and he wants to spend as much time with the children as possible in the summer hols, and his Dad who is coming from Australia apparently will get accommodation very close to where I am living, so everyone can easily hang out here.

This is outrageous op! As you say, his wish to see the DC is understandable, but he needs to consider you, their mother, too. He cannot just decide this unilaterally and he is doing it in a very bullying way with the pressure of his father supposedly moving to be near you. Get legal advice asap op over his access to the home etc.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2021 12:19

I'd tell that he and his dad can pool resources and get a place together that it suitable for having the DC. But that your home is not going to be their 'hangout'.

Bellringer · 11/07/2021 14:47

Sell or rent the house and move somewhere he has no feeling of entitlement to. Legal advice asap. Cheeky fucker

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 11/07/2021 15:46

It may be that you will have to sell up to achieve the privacy you are entitled to.

I hope not but…

Raging for you.

NeedNewKnees · 11/07/2021 16:14

@wheresmymojo

OP I would highly recommend doing an exercise which will help you to have good boundaries in this tough situation.

Now...before things have got even more difficult, write a list of your boundaries around this that you want to stick to for the duration and that are perfectly reasonable boundaries to have.

As this situation progresses your Ex will (as he already is) most likely constantly push at your boundaries and you will constantly be put in the position of feeling like you don't know what a reasonable decision is because you've only been separated a short time and probably haven't fully adjusted to being confident about your boundaries after a long term abusive relationship.

Keep this list of your boundaries somewhere you can refer to frequently (like the notes on your phone).

I can't tell you what your boundaries should be, but to give you examples of what mine would be it would be things like:

  • As we are separated I will not consider taking on any duties of a spouse: this includes any caring, living together, resolving anything on his behalf such as organising care, etc
  • I will not take part in the DCs visits until he is in the final stages of his illness and I am attending to support the DC emotionally at shorter visits
  • I will be flexible with his times/days to see the children due to medical appointments and around the impact of any treatments like chemo which may leave him too tired at times for long visits but not to the extent that this requires significant inconvenience for me or DC except in the final stages of his illness
  • When he reaches the stage of being too physically ill to care for the DC, I will pay a chaperone so that he can still have them to visit. Physical illness does not include simply not sleeping well the previous night.

A therapist once recommended this to me in a different situation and having a list of boundaries I had written down was much easier than trying to make case-by-case decisions every time the other person tried to push my boundaries.

mojo this is such excellent advice for so many situations. Thank you for sharing it. Flowers
Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 11/07/2021 17:53

So tomorrow is usually his day for picking up kids from school/nursery and having them overnight. As he is having a chat with his oncologist tomorrow (without any tests yet — just a chat!) he is saying he will be too emotional and can’t have the kids. I’ve said I’m working until 6pm I can’t have them. He then wanted me to make alternative arrangements for them. I said no that’s your responsibility. So he’s booked a babysitter local to me and arranged for them to be looked after here!

I want to say no, they should be looked after at your house, you can’t arrange that for here. But the awful thing is I’m financially really vulnerable. I currently only earn £12k, he earns a lot, we haven’t separated finances yet and I’m afraid that if I put down boundaries and make him angry about use of the family home I might get screwed financially facing either his death or divorce.

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 11/07/2021 17:57

How does he imagine the childminder will get in, though?

Bellringer · 11/07/2021 17:58

Legal advice. Pronto. Get rid.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 11/07/2021 18:02

Ok, thanks. I’ll contact my solicitor.

He succeeds in making me feel I’m being really heartless, though. And even mutual friends are saying to me ‘Poor X, it’s must be so excruciating for him’…

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 11/07/2021 18:05

Yeah they wouldn’t want to live with him though.

He’ll probably still be here in 10 years.

Original poster
Earlgrey19 · 11/07/2021 18:08

I need a line for when he says the following sort of thing “Why can’t you be more understanding and flexible? I’ve got cancer. Can’t you cut me just a little bit of slack, can you imagine just for one moment what it’s like for me? What I’ve been through? That I’m probably not going to be there to see the kids grow up? ‘

OP posts:
BakeOffRewatch · 11/07/2021 18:16

@Earlgrey19

I need a line for when he says the following sort of thing “Why can’t you be more understanding and flexible? I’ve got cancer. Can’t you cut me just a little bit of slack, can you imagine just for one moment what it’s like for me? What I’ve been through? That I’m probably not going to be there to see the kids grow up? ‘
You don’t say anything, you “grey rock”.

There’s no winning, reasoning or a perfect combo of words with your emotional abuser.

Bollindger · 11/07/2021 18:19

Tell him this is the 3rd time in 3 days he can't face the kids.
Tell him you feel the Kids are better seeing him on good days, then he can rest without being bothered, at his flat.
That he needs to see that is what is best for the children at this moment in time.

Bellringer · 11/07/2021 18:23

You need to be tough. His boat has sailed, you have no obligation.
Try ''not my problem, I'm worrying about the kids' or just no

Notaroadrunner · 11/07/2021 18:42

He's likely going to leave you to pay for this babysitter if he has planned for them to go to your house, so don't allow babysitting in your house.

thelastgoldeneagle · 11/07/2021 19:05

@Earlgrey19

I need a line for when he says the following sort of thing “Why can’t you be more understanding and flexible? I’ve got cancer. Can’t you cut me just a little bit of slack, can you imagine just for one moment what it’s like for me? What I’ve been through? That I’m probably not going to be there to see the kids grow up? ‘
'Let's not jump the gun. You don't know that, so don't borrow trouble before it's here.'
Orgasmagorical · 11/07/2021 19:09

My fear with the babysitter at your house is that he'll turn up and expect to be let in ...

I agree with BakeOff, grey rock. He's already using any tactic he can to keep you dancing to his tune, now that you are wise to his manipulation you can protect yourself more.

AuntieStella · 11/07/2021 19:22

You really do need to change the locks - presumably he's going to let the baby sitter in, and then stay because 'the DC like it'

As for what you say, it's the minimum. 'We will deal with what is best for the DC if your cancer is back once that has been confirmed. Right now what they need is the security of their usual routine'

saraclara · 11/07/2021 19:22

'Let's not jump the gun. You don't know that, so don't borrow trouble before it's here.'

Yep. That's a reasonable thing to say to anyone in his position. You need to make sure that if it is as bad as he thinks, that you've behaved decently. That's important in the sense that other people will be watching what's happening too, and apart from the fact that, if it's true, he deserves to be treated with some empathy, you need to be seen to be communicating with him reasonably.

NewlyGranny · 11/07/2021 19:25

Well, what about,

"Why can't you ask politely instead of demanding? Why can't you consult instead of making arrangements that involve me behind my back and the springing them in me?"

Or tell him,
"I get that you're frightened and angry and I wouldn't want to be you facing that, but trying to dump all that frustration and anger on me is neither fair, nor helpful nor likely to get you what you want."

He needs to stop meeting his troubles halfway and wait to find out what's really going on, I think.

And dragging people he cares about halfway across the world during a pandemic on the strength of a diagnosis he doesn't even have yet and might not get is just selfish and silly. I hope his DF is sensible enough to wait for the diagnosis before setting off.

Is all this just one ling tantrum to delay the divorce? Is he trying to ensure he has a fallback position now he's been dumped?

Make sure you see the oncologist's letter, OP. He is catastrophising ahead of the data and may dig in and lie if the diagnosis is less serious than he fears.

Scoobysdoo · 11/07/2021 19:27

'Appreciate it is tough for you but we are separating. My focus needs to be on the kids right now and keeping things as normal as possible for them. Any upset to their new routine could negatively impact them in the long run and they will have enough to deal with'.

'Hopefully your family will be here soon to support you'.

Keep doing variations of the above. Keep the focus back on maintaining stability for the kids as your priority and what he's asking might actually confuse and upset them.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 11/07/2021 19:28

@Earlgrey19

I need a line for when he says the following sort of thing “Why can’t you be more understanding and flexible? I’ve got cancer. Can’t you cut me just a little bit of slack, can you imagine just for one moment what it’s like for me? What I’ve been through? That I’m probably not going to be there to see the kids grow up? ‘
'They'd probably appreciate it more if you were around to see them now like you're supposed to be'.
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 11/07/2021 19:30

ETA: 'rather than refusing to see them for three days when you're supposed to be having them and haven't even had any tests yet to confirm or eliminate a diagnosis'.

Longdistance · 11/07/2021 19:39

Firstly if he does have terminal cancer, it’s a big fat No to moving in.
Secondly, I’m dubious he actually has terminal cancer. I think he’s lying.