Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

I hope you can learn to love Xmas again jools.

I don’t think there’s much we can do when our close ones are struggling is there? It’s very hard to watch but I think grief is so individual it’s impossible to know what would make it better.

I was saying how this disease hasn’t just taken dad’s life, it’s also destroyed my stepmum’s and is kicking my brother up and down the street with steel toe caps at the mo too.

1 whole year. A tough year.

But today I feel love instead of sadness, and gratitude instead of sorrow.

I love you dad, and miss you dearly, but my god we were lucky to have had you in our lives 💙

BonApp The months just fly by don't they. It's almost 21 months for me. Not a day goes by that I don't think of dad, but I feel love for him, like you say, and not the deep sadness as before. I feel sad he won't be here for DD wedding but he won't be forgotten.
We were lucky to have such amazing dads. How is your stepmum?

Just checking in to see how everyone is? Hope you're all okay x

I haven’t been back to this thread much, and whilst the horror of dads last few months is fading a bit, it’s replaced by the sadness of missing him. Some days I still just can’t believe he’s gone.

How are you both @MyGuideJools and @ Hope you are ok.

I think by and large I’m alright. Sometimes it hits me fresh again like it’s only just happened and seems unreal that dads been gone for over 15 months. That’s such a long time and we’re still all getting used to it. My brother is doing well and has got his life more on track than ever which is fantastic, and then of course I feel sad that dad will never see what my brother is achieving now. My stepmum is very up and down, mostly down to be honest. I have nothing but admiration for how she is still engaging in every day life and trying to keep busy. However, the date when she’s not busy are lonely and when she is busy it’s because she pops in and out of other peoples lives - having them come to stay or going to stay with them... which I think is a way to be scooped up and looked after, but then she’s also reminded that their life is not her real life, she’s just on holiday for a few days and then has to go home to her broken life

I am a bit freaked out by death itself and mortality in general and have push away anxious thoughts of dying young and leaving my little family. I guess this is normal somehow and whilst it’s not a big problem, it lurks if I let my mind wander....

Love to all

Good to hear from you @BonApp
It's 2 years ago today that my lovely dad left us after a few horrendous, anxious and sad months.
Like you I miss my dad so so much, I find it hard to believe it's 2 years ago.
Mostly I'm fine, but if I let my mind wander and think back to his last days then I fall to pieces.
I was thinking about all the things dad has missed since he died The biggest event was DD Wedding, god he would have loved that and been so proud. And then other DC moving out, and house decorating and a new dog and new plants in the garden, the list is quite long.
Mum is mostly ok, she looks older and tired now but she sees friends and does her best to get out of the house, but I know she's lonely, of course she is.
She didn't want to do much today so.we just went to the local beach and had an ice cream.
I think of dad every day and would so anything to have him back.
@Hotpinkangel19 hope things are alright with you, your little girl must be growing up.

Love to all🌷

@MyGuideJools 2 years It’s all just so very very sad. I know everyone has to die at some point but it’s still hard to get my head round that his time to go was then, under those circumstances....

I think of my dad every day too. He would’ve loved to have seen what we were up to this summer and we would’ve invited them to where we live to go exploring.

Hugs to you Jools and @Hotpinkangel19 I too often think of your little one. Hope you’re ok.

She's 19 months old now, Dad would have loved her! Today is exactly 2 years since Dad's funeral, seems such a long time ago...

@BonApp I know what you mean, dad always joked he would live until 99, alas it was nowhere near. He thought of himself as young. When a nurse once mentioned him using a 'walker' he said no way, they're for old codgers
I do sometimes ponder what's the point?
we live a life then all of a sudden we are gone......
@Hotpinkangel19 19 months I bet she brings you lots of joy.
🌷

Just checking in to see how you're all doing? I'm mostly doing okay, still have very tearful days.