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Original poster

Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

585 replies

BonApp · 15/07/2017 18:15

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 12/07/2018 21:32

Bonapp what a bloody year indeed! It seems to have flown by, but it also seems so long ago since I said goodbye to dadSad

Original poster
BonApp · 15/07/2018 08:20

I know. So much has happened, yet we are still just doing what we were doing before. Only with a gaping hole that we are trying to get used to, and with a cloud of grief following us around.

I can’t believe he went through all of that. I can’t believe he was so poorly it killed him. I can’t believe it was so quick. I can’t believe he’s just no longer here.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 15/07/2018 17:30

Bonapp Flowers i know, so many unanswered questions.....I remember when dad had heart surgery in 2016, it was such a big op, took 7 hours and he was so frightened. But he was still breathless afterwards and the surgeon said dad had fluid on his lung, quite common after heart surgery. He was given pills and was assured that by his appointment in Oct 2017 he would run into the hospital and be totally better. Dad died a month before the follow up appointmentSad
I wonder why we put dad through that op, seems such a waste now.
Nobody knew what was really going on inside his lungs😞

Original poster
BonApp · 19/07/2018 20:24

Feeling a bit empty tonight. Can’t really explain it. Not sad, just a bit “not really sure what to do with myself” or where to let my thoughts wander to.

My stepmum seems to be doing ok. Though she’s not sleeping very well. My brother is ok too.

It still feels very strange. If I waffle on about it to DH I usually end up in tears. But I’m still wondering if I’ll crash later at some point. Time will tell I guess.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 19/07/2018 20:39

Bon I'm the same with DH, without fail when I talk about dad to him I end up in tears. Today I had a sudden panic that dad was gone! mad really cos it's almost a year!
I'm guessing this is just how it's gonna be.
I'm glad your stepmum and bro are doing ok, my mum still has sleep troubles but won't take anything.
Keep on keeping onFlowers

Original poster
BonApp · 19/07/2018 21:49

Oh bless you jools. I reckon it’s always going to hurt eh?

Stepmum takes sleeping pills once in a while and they massively help, but she doesn’t want to get hooked. So then has a couple of nights of 2-4hours sleep only. She’s exhausted but functioning somehow.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 19/07/2018 22:40

My mum looks constantly knackered. I don't think I've seen her happy like when dad was here. Of course she smiles and laughs but it's not the same. It must be hard after 50+ years together.
I think she's doing quite well really, she's a tough cookie and has never wanted any one to stay with her. Where as my sil won't let my bro visit my mum for a couple of nights because she can't possibly stay in the house without himConfused
Its a struggle isn't it?! x

Original poster
BonApp · 20/07/2018 11:26

It’s my dad and stepmum 10 year wedding anniversary soon. They waited 18 years to get married. My stepmum never thought she’d have a family bless her.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 20/07/2018 12:51

aah that's lovely, so nice that she has you and your brother, and although only 10 years married sounds like they had a long time together beforehand. That's a lot of memories.
How does she feel about the anniversary? I didn't really know what to do with mum. In the end I had some flowers sent to her as I know dad would have done that. it made her cry but she loved them

Original poster
BonApp · 20/07/2018 19:17

They will be here visiting actually so I suggested we go for a meal but that we can see how she feels on the day. With 2 small kids in tow so hopefully they will keep the mood light and if the day is spent in tears, then so be it.

50+ years is a huge achievement, not many make it that far. I’m sure your Mum would’ve appreciated the gesture and that anything would've made her sad.

I guess you have to cling on to the thought of “how lucky to have loved so much it hurts” (or whatever the actual wording is!)

Have a good weekend jools and anyone else still lurking.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 20/07/2018 21:22

Thanks bon i think you got the wording spot onSmile
A good weekend to you tooFlowers

Original poster
BonApp · 31/07/2018 20:57

Over 2 months and I still can’t really believe it all. We just keep going on. Without dad.

Stepmum, DB and SIL came to visit. It was lovely. I thought it would feel strange without dad but I didn’t miss him or really notice his absence (any more than usual) but did find it sad to watch my stepmum on her own. She seems ok but a bit lost. And when she was cuddling the kids I thought about how little physical contact she must have each day now, and she’s so kind and loving and affectionate that it must be hard for her to not have touch or contact on tap. Or anyone to have any affection from. It all feels so wrong that she’s on her own.

Their wedding anniversary was a sad day but we went for a nice meal and stepmum wore a lovely dress and looked beautiful. I’m very proud of her.

DB and SIL go back to Oz in a few weeks.

We’ve gone full circle. What a year.

My DD1 (6) has been saying she “doesn’t like grandad” because “something changed”. She doesn’t like talking about it. DH was v upset when she said that but I think dad’s appearance and all the commotion of his illness has somehow distressed her and maybe she’s somehow angry with him or sad but a bit confused. I don’t know. Not sure how to deal with that really. DD2 says hello to the brightest star in the sky whovshe thinks is grandad, and says that grandad is still in her heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonApp · 31/07/2018 20:58

It’s weird, I feel sadder about the space he’s left behind rather than his absence. If that makes any sense at all.

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 31/07/2018 22:56

Bonapp your stepmum sounds so strong. I get what you mean about feeling so sorry about lack of affection. My dad treated mum like a princess, it must be so strange without him.
I've been struggling this week. It was this time last year that dad was in and out of hospital. it was the beginning of the end, although we didn't know it. I keep going over his last days and torturing myself.

It's bound to effect your DD, it's amazing what they take it. she probably is angry with your dad, give her timeFlowers

Original poster
BonApp · 02/08/2018 16:56

What a year jools Sad. I think it’s important to process it all, torture though it must be but it surely is your brains way of working through it all.

I will keep an eye on DD. I want to encourage her to rent her dad fondly. But know that I can’t force anything either.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonApp · 18/08/2018 00:16

Really missing my dad right now. Would so love to talk to him.

The disbelief is so still immense Sad

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MyGuideJools · 18/08/2018 17:42

Flowers bon it's tough isn't it. The thought that they suddenly are no longer in your life.
I'm reliving everything at the moment as it's almost I year ago. I keep a diary and keep torturing myself to what was happening this time last year. Stupid I know but can't help myself.
No advice I'm afraid but I know how you're feeling xx

Original poster
BonApp · 21/08/2018 18:11

Yes it really is. I think it’s starting to hit me a bit more that he’s really gone. I would like it all to stop now though tbh. Just to not have this grief and monumental change hanging over us all.

I’ve been reading old messages jools from this time last year as dad was waiting for the results. It feels like yesterday and years ago all at once. I think it’s good to go over it to allow yourself to process things.

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 22/08/2018 11:28

Just checking in, hoping you are okay and coping? Tomorrow will be the anniversary of my Dad's death. A whole year without any parents. It doesn't seem real x

MyGuideJools · 22/08/2018 13:28

hotpink I was thinking about you the other day, as your dad passed away a few weeks before mine. I can't believe where the time has gone. How is your little girl?

Original poster
BonApp · 23/08/2018 08:52

Oh hot I can’t believe it’s been a year for you already. How are you?

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 31/08/2018 20:10

Surprisingly I'm coping okay. Nearly finished clearing their house out, doesn't feel like a year, feels like they have only just gone, She's 7 months old now, she's amazing. I honestly don't know how I would have coped without her. How are you @MyGuideJools and @BonApp xx

Abra1de · 31/08/2018 21:52

I’m waiting to hear whether my mother has an incurable cancer and knownjusy how you feel. Between calls and going with her to appointments I manage to distract myself, but it’s horrible, isn’t it?

My mother is my father’s carer and this is hitting the pair of them hard.

Hotpinkangel19 · 03/09/2018 08:26

@Abra1de I'm sorry to hear that - yes it's awful. My Dad was my Mum's carer, it wore him out physically and mentally ☹️

Abra1de · 03/09/2018 09:04

Thank you, Hotpink.