Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

Hi jools thank you.

I’m ok. Saturday got better as we ended up going out late afternoon which helped. Sunday we had a lovely day out. Keeping busy and out and about definitely helps. Work has been good too, lots of support from my boss and kindness from my colleagues and my team.

My stepmum I think is starting to dip. She heard yesterday that a post mortem will be needed and she’s upset and angry as doesn’t think it’s necessary. I feel indifferent I think. Seeing dad the morning he’d died and how still and utterly lifeless his body was really made me realize that he has gone and his body didn’t really seem like him at all. So I get that the post mortem is a horrid thing to imagine but we’re not going to see the body again and so I feel it’s kind of futile to dwell on it.

Also I think the reality of people going back to work and cracking on with their own lives is starting to kick in for my stepmum and it’s becomung harder for her to fill her days. God we’re only 9 days in, she’s got the rest of her life to occupy.

Hope everyone else is doing ok

I'm glad you're feeling ok,I'm sure your DH and DC are a great help at taking your mind off things.
My dad had to have a PM, they said it was because it was mesothelioma and an industrial disease. I was the same as you, sort of detached as I knew dad wasn't there anymore. I guess I sort of blocked it from my mind.
I still feel really sad thinking about my mum on her own. she has good and bad days too. It must be a weird feeling thinking that's it, you are on your own now after 52 years together.
I'm not sure we can do anything to help except be a listening ear and be there when you can. You have your own grief to deal with and she will realise this too hopefully.
It's just really hard and will take lots of time.
I remember a work colleague saying to me, this is life changing, you won't ever get over it, it will just become easier to live with...... wise words.
⚘⚘

My stepmum has had good company this week and the PM is now done apparently.

I think I’m ok.

I said to DH that I feel like I’m in a shop and outside there are emotions lurking around (regret, guilt, feeling betrayed by dad ) and I know they are there but the shop door is shut. If I let my mind drift towards them they try to open the door but I don’t feel willing to let them in. So for now they are staying outside. And I know that whilst these feelings are normal, they could drive me bonkers if I let them in so I guess I’m trying to contain them. I have no idea if I can keep that “door” shut or if it’s healthy to do so. Maybe one day they’ll barge in and devastate me.

Does that make any sense? Or am I losing the plot?

If you are losing the plot then so are lots of us I reckon. It keeps hitting me like a shovel that dad is dead, that wasn't the way we had planned it. Mum was supposed to go first not him. I can't quite get my head round the fact that a) he had cancer and b) it killed him, I mean how? How did i happen? And why? And how do we do my daughter's wedding and he won't be here to see the first grandchild marry? And when will mum succumb to the shocking mental health she has had all of her adult life? He was the reason she lived.

That poem is beautiful.

Maybe I shouldn't post this but then I need to say it and can't tell anyone irl.

Well I’ve been awake since 1am (though did go to bed at 8pm) so I may well lose the plot today.

I totally get you with the disbelief over the whole thing haberpop.

Feel free to post away.

I read your whole thread in the night when I couldn't sleep. Your visualisations express your emotions so well. There will be times the emotions burst through the door but try not to think of them as enemies but just part of the process of healing, remembering, grieving. I like to think of them as waves. Sometimes they were overwhelming and I felt like I was drowning. Other times they were 'out' and I functioned fine, other times they just lapped at the shore, coming and going gently. Thinking of you and lots of love...

I agree with merrymarigold some days I can ignore those feelings but other days they overwhelm me and I break down.
If I really study dads photo I've got in my lounge I can't understand that he's gone forever and it physically hurts, but if I just glance at the photo it brings me comfort
Haberpop my DD gets married next year, the first grandchild to marry. My dad would have been so proud. He was a huge part of the grandchildrens lives.
He had open heart surgery 2 years ago and the surgeon said it was successful and dad would live until he was 100!
Then the cancer got him and killed him extremely quickly. It's just so shit after all he went through with the heart surgery.
sorry I'm rambling on now.......
love to all⚘

I can't bring myself to RTFT but to you.

How are you doing BonApp ?

I’m ok I think. Not quite as buoyant as I was, but I think that’s because the funeral is looming and I’m really dreading it. I would happily say my goodbyes in a non public way tbh.

I could really do with doing some exercise but I can’t find the energy.

And I keep thinking of silly things like I hope England don’t win the World Cup as my dad won’t be here to see it.

Bon I wouldn't worry about that happening
Thinking of you the funeral will be such a big day and will drain you so much be kind and look after yourself as much as possible before

Ha ha I know! But what if?! Dad would be gutted to miss it!

Do you know bonapp I said that to DH the other day! I said be bloody typical of England to go and win and my dad to miss it......I think we're safe tho
I too was dreading the funeral, i guess it's natural, but I got through it ok and it was lovely to see how many people were there to say goodbye to my dad. I felt proud that he was so popular.
I couldn't bring myself to speak, but his old boss said some lovely words.
I think I was afraid to go and be upset. But on the day it was ok, I was 'allowed' to be upset, as was everyone. I felt proud to be his daughter and I think he would have loved his funeral and been chuffed about what was spoken of him. 😞
The hardest bit is afterwards.......

I guess there are always going to be what ifs and thinking how awful it will be that your
Dad isn't there for them and that's a huge part of the grieving process. Heartbreaking but normal nontheless

Hugs to everyone missing their dad today. (and happy birthday to jools).

I don’t feel sadder today. I can’t explain it very well but this arbitrary day to celebrate dads doesn’t make me love, and therefore miss, my dad more than any other day. It’s same love, the same sadness, the same disbelief as every other day since he’s gone.

aah thank you Bonapp it's been a funny day. Like you say, doesn't make me miss dad any more than normal. I had a nice day but just feel a bit numb.
Love to everyone who is missing their dad.
⚘⚘

I don’t want to give up this thread but don’t have anything much to say anymore either.

I miss dad, I wish he was still around. I wish he hadn’t had that horrendous disease. But he did. And he’s gone, and that is that. I don’t know where else to go with it all? I’m tired and fed up of thinking about the whole situation really. Not tired of thinking about dad, but I just want the new normal to feel normal now.

It's a strange new world isn't it? We had the results from dad's inquest last week, mesothelioma (or 'measle filioma' as one of his letters from the hospital had it) and natural causes. I can't get my head round how quick and brutal his end was. I can't get my head round the fact he won't be here for my daughter's wedding in August, even talking about him and the wedding in the same sentence makes my daughter clam up and her eyes glaze. I can't believe he is gone but he is.

Same disease as my dad @haberpop

Wishing you and your family all the best

Haberpop same disease as my dad too.😢 it is brutal and my dear dad went long before we expected.
I'm also heartbroken that he won't be at my DD, his first granddaughters wedding. He would of loved that.
Bonapp I get how your feeling. This is your thread that you started about your dad, same as the thread I started about mine. Maybe you could ask it to be moved to 'bereavement' as it may help others going through similar?
⚘⚘for anyone struggling today

We had the funeral and had a lovely day. I went to see dad at the funeral directors before the funeral. I hadn’t thought I’d want to but then realized it would be the last ever time possible. I was glad I went but it didn’t make me feel better or worse. It didn’t really look like him tbh.

Not sure I feel any more closure now we’ve had the funeral. But I have no more trips back to the UK planned for the first time in a year and I’m keen to get back on with my life abroad. However I also feel like I’m deserting my stepmum.

Things with my mum haven’t been great either which has been tricky.

Time has taken on such a funny feeling. I still can’t believe it’s all really happened. As if my dad died? As if he was ill? As if he ever existed? As if his spot on the sofa is empty? As if we went through that horrendousness at the hospice? As if he died 4 weeks ago?

I thought I’d feel broken and devastated but it’s just varying degrees between ok and sad.

My heart aches for how in love dad and my stepmum were though. They were so lucky and unlucky all at once 💔

Bon so glad the funeral was lovely. I personally didn't feel any closure after the funeral. I just felt bereft and like you, a disbelief that he was gone. If I think about it too much now I still find it hard to believe he's not here.
I havnt cried for a while now. I just feel numb and don't let myself think about it. This may come back and bite me on the bum, who knows!
It is really sad for the mums left behind, but we have to grieve in our own ways. All we can do is support them as best we can

So sorry OP
Best wishes to you and all the family at this tough time

My stepmum is struggling now that the funeral arrangements etc are all done.

She has a friend staying with her which is nice and she has a day out planned tomorrow. I know she’ll be ok but it feels like it’ll be a long time before she gets there.

It will take a long while. Think how long he has been in her life. Adjusting will take some time but I'm so glad to hear she's got some plans with friends