Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

So sorry to hear about your lovely dad, BonApp, but glad his passing was peaceful. I lost my mum on Friday night (also peaceful) so understand a bit of how you're probably feeling right now. X

to wax and kernow so sorry you are both going through this too, such sad times xx

Thank you all. It all feels so strange, sad and shocking, even though we’d had time to prepare. The last 10 mths feels like a blur, like it’s all been speeded up and slowed down at the same time, like dad suffered for too long yet it all happened so quickly.

It’s really hard looking at photos of him - to think he’s now just a photo/memory and that he had changed so much physically in those final weeks and looked so different to how he was.

I spent a short time with dad yesterday and I didn’t like it, his body was so still and a different colour. It looked so wrong that “he” had gone.

Thank you all for your support.

wax and kernow my heart goes out to you both. I’m glad your lovely mums had a peaceful ending. I hope you are doing ok.

bon you will be in shock. You have been 'expecting' this outcome for months, hoping it wouldn't happen, then wishing it would hurry up. Then suddenly, it's over. Your body has to deal with this. I slept loads for a week before I felt a bit more 'normal' it's like a physical pain.
I know what you mean about photos, I still look at them now and wonder where my lovely dad has vanished to.
I don't think we ever get over it, it's life changing.
But, We have lovely memories and know how much we loved him, and him us.
I know my dad would of hated us to be so sad, I try to remember this and live my life as he would want. Not saying that's easy!!
We had a verse read at dads funeral which sums it up. I will put it on here if you would like? it really helped me.
These next few weeks will be a busy blur. Take time to rest, cry, love and remember.
⚘♥️

Lots of love BonApp

Thanks dontbesillyhenry

jools yes happy to see your verse. I’d like to do a reading at dad’s funeral, even though I hate talking in front of a group.

I felt like a zombie yesterday. We were grateful it was a bank holiday as it meant we could make any calls to start arranging anything. Well, except for continuing to tell friends and family.

I still full of disbelief over the whole thing. It seems totally unreal that dad was ill even. I remember sitting with him at the kitchen table whilst he was reading the paper thinking “shit, one day he won’t be here, it’ll be like he’s disappeared in a puff of smoke” and that’s just what it feels like.

I keep having to remember to do those really big deep breaths. My chest feels a bit tight, like it did at the start of all this.

bonapp all the phoning round is very draining. I cried to some person on the other end of the phone most days for a week. Most were really helpful and kind. Vodafone were assholes.
I still can't get my head around my dad just vanishing, I know exactly that feeling you're having.
You're chest will be tight again, your body is stressed, don't be afraid to cry, it actually does help
How is your step mum doing?
I will look out that verse. I so wanted to read it at dads funeral but I just couldn't, I wouldn't have made it through the 1st line without crying. I felt I let dad down by not doing it but I now know that's not the case.
I admire someone who stands up and speaks at a loved ones funeral.
⚘⚘look after yourself today, sending you strength to deal with everything.

Thank you jools. Stepmum is ok, she’s got up and done a load of stuff this morning. She seems a bit brusque today though. Which is fine and understandable but definitely not her usual demeanor. I feel a bit useless as there’s not much I can really do and I feel like I’m in a bit of a haze. I’d like to sit on the sofa and watch crap tv and not talk to anyone, but feel I need to be doing stuff alongside my stepmum to make sure she’s propped up ok.

I’m due to fly back tomorrow. Feels very soon but this flight has been booked for a while and I’m desp to see DH and the DC. I’m due to be off work until Monday so it means I can spend Thursday and Friday being mummy and doing the kids’ clubs and the school run etc. Which I feel I need. Stepmum is saying it’s fine and that she needs to get used to being on her own so the sooner the better. Which is true but very sad. What with my brother heading back to Australia in the coming months and me to Europe she really will be on her own

We go to the funeral directors later today.

bon I think it will do you good to go home for a few days. I bet stepmum will be pleased with a bit of breathing space too.
Hope it went ok at the funeral directors....
As promised, here's the verse. Hope it brings you some comfort ⚘

"He is Gone"
You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Ah that's lovely, MyGuideJools.

That verse still makes me cry now, 9 months later.
it just sums up my dad. He wouldn't want us to be sad. He hated us worrying about him and would say he was fine even when we knew he wasn't!
But every time he had a letter to attend a scan or biopsy he would come straight to me, shaking like a leaf and I had to calm him down and reassure him

That’s so lovely jools. Thank you for sharing it. Where is it from??

How are you kernow?

bon it was in a booklet from the funeral directors. It was written by David Harkin.

I'm so sorry @BonApp xxx just seen this as I've been offline due to an emergency hospital admission with my son.
Sending lots of love xxx

And also to the others who lost parents too...

hotpink hope everything is ok now with your son,

hot thank you and I hope your son is ok.

I feel weird. Being back with DH and the DC is lovely but it’s made everything back in the UK feel very distant. It makes it all feel even more of a blur. I don’t know whether that’s going to help me deal with it or just put it all to one side and not deal with it properly.

BonApp I feel the same (and I'm feeling OK - thanks for asking upthread).

I'm back home in Cornwall while my dad sorts out funeral arrangements - I'm speaking to him every couple of days in case he needs my input. I've no idea how I'm going to feel on the day of the funeral or afterwards. At the moment I feel like I'm dealing with it fairly well, but I'm also worried that I'm on autopilot till the funeral and then it'll all come out and be very messy.

I should think it's really nice to be back with your family. I hope you're OK.

He is now thanks @BonApp - he woke up unable to breathe and was blue lighted to resusitation. Thankfully he's fine now but I thought I was losing him too.
Glad you are at home and I hope you are coping okay. Xxx

Oh my gosh hot that sounds v scary. So glad all is ok now.

I think I’m ok. Still don’t really know. Am really enjoying spending time with the kids. It’s making me realize how absent I’ve been over the last year whatcwity fortnightly trips back and forth, plus I buried myself in work too so I now need to prioritize my gang at home.

I am posting on the “support for those who have lost a parent” thread. Feel weirdly disloyal doing so. So will keep this one going for a bit too. Feels too poignant to let it drift away.

Hope you’re all ok and a nice weekend lined up

So sorry for your loss, BonApp. You've written so eloquently about it. Glad that the end was peaceful for your dad; such a comfort.

hotpink I'm glad your son is ok

bonapp enjoy time with your children. Take one day at a time.

⚘⚘

I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry and cancer is a bastard. Sending you lots of love

I’ve really struggled today. I couldn’t get to sleep so my plans of getting up and doing some exercise didn’t happen. Instead I’ve totally faffed around and got in a right tizz over what to wear. It’s really hot here and all my summer clothes look dreadful where I’ve not looked after myself for ages. It would’ve been great to put something on and think “yep that’ll do” but instead I’ve been horrified by what I’ve seen in the mirror. Not what I need. I know that sounds really vain but it’s more the fact that I don’t actually have the energy to focus on looking good yet I look monumentally shite.

I’ve cried more today than any other day and I’ve been snippy with the kids . We are all much better if we’re up and out rather than lolling about but my lack of sleep meant I was too much of a zombie.

It just feels so heavy and there’s nowhere to go with it. I keep thinking of dad in the hospice and he looked and sounded in those last few days. And how damaged his body was for the last couple of months. His shoulder bones. The lumps on his chest from the tumours. I don’t know what do with all this.

I’m supposed to be back at work on Monday. I want to be. I need the distraction. But I’m worried I won’t be able to hack it.

I haven’t called my stepmum yet today because I can’t face the chitchat and the sadness tbh.

Gah.

oh bonapp it's so very early days. I can't even remember the first week after I lost dad. I remember sleeping a lot and eating a lot of toast but not much else.
I was signed off work for 3 weeks as I couldn't 'be bothered' to go basically! I physically couldn't face going to work in the same hospital as dad died.
Different people deal with things differently tho, I know lots of people that go back to work straight away, as it takes their mind off things.
This is all not much help to you I'm afraid!! what you feel is totally normal. I was awful to DH and the kids but they knew why.
keep posting on here and try to be kind to yourself ⚘⚘

just popping in to see how you're doing Bonapp just want to know you are in my thoughts