Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

Abra1de so sorry to hear about your mum, it's a horrible horrible time. I feel for you
Hotpink Thankyou for asking, I have been really sad these last few weeks but am now feeling better again.
It's a year on Wednesday that dad died, seems so unreal. Not sure what to do on the day, it's not a day to celebrate imo. I will spend some time with mum.
to all

This exact time a year ago I was keeping an overnight vigil at my dad's bedside😢
i dont know where that year has gone. Miss you so much dad xx♥️

Thank you for your kind words, Myguide, and sorry for your own loss.

jools hope you cooked ok with your dads anniversary Sorry I missed it... I haven’t posted for a while, not too sure why really.

hot glad you’re doing ok.

abra1de Sorry to hear about your Mum, hope you’re all doing ok. Keep posting if you need to.

I felt very sad last week, it just built up and hit me and I was very weepy. My stepmum and brother both struggled too, funny how we all felt down at the same moment. Time is whizzing by and it doesn’t really feel any easier.

I’m wondering if the disbelief is wearing off a bit. It’s more like resistance now, like I don’t want this to be the new normal. It’s exhausting actually. I’m tired of factoring grief in to everything in one way or another.

I just wish dad was still here. I’d love to tell him about the kids being back at school and chat randomly about unimportant things. I miss him and really wish he hadn’t of had to go through what he did. I keep thinking about how scared and sad he must’ve been. And how much pain he was in too. We couldn’t even hug him due to the nerve pain. His poor poor body. Yet he was brave.

My heart aches for my stepmum getting to grips with no longer being part of a “we”.

The whole thing is so sad. I miss you dad.

Bonapp Thankyou
Dad's anniversary was a bit flat really, not that I expected to celebrate the day!
I made the mistake of playing some of his favourite songs and looked through his 'memory box' That got me really sad and i kept replaying his last days in my mind.
He was so brave but must have been so scared. He didn't want to leave us.
I'm glad that year is over, but I don't think the coming year will be any easier tbh.
I'm sorry you're struggling too xx

It’s so hard to reconcile that it’s all (death) out of anyone’s control, eh? You don’t have a choice and you can’t stop it. The person dying doesn’t want it and nor does anyone else, and everyone is so bloody powerless.

My Mum was formally diagnosed with multiple myeloma on Thursday. At the moment it is just present in two bone lesions and there is not damage to her kidneys and her blood work is OK. She can’t have radiotherapy or surgery so we are hoping that the chemo she starts on Tuesday will keep her stable and reduce the pain. As she starts to feel sicker during the six-month chemo, as we have been warned she might, my father and his care will become a more pressing problem to add to hers. I am the only offspring this side of the equator and I suspect I may be taking quite a bit of time off work. I work on contracts and have a deadline in January I am going to try and finish early, while she’s not too frail.

The support here is much appreciated 🙂

Sorry to see this abra1de. Take it one day at a time, don’t think too far ahead. When things start to feel overwhelming, push for help.

Is it easy enough to take time off work? Do you have support for yourself?

Take it easy

Thank you, bon.

I can set my work hours but the travel up and down to my parents sometimes leaves me feeling washed out for the creative element of my work. Admin-jobs and emails can be easily fitted in.

I know I’m luckier than people who have to manage bosses as I am my own boss, though!

That sounds good. I hear you with the traveling as I live abroad but I found it actually served as good time for headspace between home/work/kids and dad/illness.

A decompression chamber!

5 months tomorrow since dad died. It feels more recent than that but somehow it also feels a tiny bit easier.

I had some other stuff going on so haven’t been thinking about dad intensively though he’s not very far from my thoughts.

I think I thought I’d forget him, or somehow feel that my our love and bind would disappear, but that’s really not the case so in a way that’s very comforting.

My brother is still having some bad days, as is my stepmum and I wonder if I’m a bit heartless for not having bad days really. I am obviously sad but feel ok most of the time and haven’t cried much recently.

Early days still though I suppose.

Hope everyone else on this thread is doing ok

Bonapp time flies by doesn't it. I can't believe I'm coming up to my second Xmas without dad. I definitely turned a corner after the 1st year, of course I miss him so much but the last time I cried was on his anniversary.
My mum has good and bad days but has started to talk about sorting the garden etc.
I wish you peace, please don't think you are heartless, you are not. We all deal differently with grief

It really does jools. I thought it would bother me more (time whizzing by) but it doesn’t feel too bad at the mo, though I think that’s because I haven’t really been thinking about the time element so much.

I really really really wish dad was still here but watching him go through that was like living in a nightmare.

It feels surreal still actually. As if he’s really bloody gone?!?!

I would love to talk to him about what dying was like! I hope he was pain free in those last days.

Bon sometimes it feels as tho my dad has been gone for years! Then I look at a photo and I can remember every part of his face, and struggling to put on his surgical stockings And trimming his hair and cleaning his glasses. I'm so glad I was able to so all those things for him but like you, I would love to chat to him about it all.

I've had continuous throat problems and colds this year. At my sick meeting at work I spoke to a lovely lady who said she thought it was all a down to stress. She lost her dad 5 years ago and said her body fella apart, even tho she seemed ok to the outside world, her body was doing something different! I think this is me!

Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling under the weather jools and whilst I don’t know you IRL I can see how much your dads death has impacted you emotionally so I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a physical impact too.

Sounds like talking to someone could help?

Thanks Bon I think you're right. I may look into it. I've mostly been ok emotionally wise. But I just feel worn down by it all. constantly thinking about mum and if she's ok. I guess its bound to take it's toll.
Thankyou
.

Nothing to lose by looking into it jools. I understand how tiring it is, how permanent and relentless it is, even if you feel ok for the most part, it’s still always there.... It’s important to look after yourself too...

Hi @BonApp
Just wondering how you are doing? Can't believe we are at another Xmas. I'm mostly doing ok, but really miss dad this time of year as he loved Xmas.
I tell myself we should enjoy it as he would hate us to be miserable. I can see him now smiling at us.....
Hope you are ok
And @HotpinkAngel hope things are ok with you

Hello @myguidejools thank you for thinking of me. I have been thinking of you too, and remember you saying how much your dad loved Xmas.

My dad wasn’t all that fussed about Xmas as it was never really how he wanted it to be (big family knees up like when he was a kid) so I guess I feel ok. Maybe it helps that we didn’t go back to the uk, though my stepmum is here and it’s hard to see her on her own.

I feel sad about dads birthday in January and a bit weird about heading into a new year that dad will never part of

Anyhow, the kids make it fun and they are excited so I will share in their joy.

I hope you can rekindle some of your dads enthusiasm for it all, I’m sure he would want you to be having fun. Take it easy....

Hope everyone else on this thread is doing ok.

Feels so weird going into a new year without my dad. And hard. And sad.

You’ll always be a part of us. Wish you were here.

Bonapp ((hugs))
I can't believe this is the 2nd new year without dad. I volunteered to do the night shift at work last night. I felt nothing, just numb.

Ahh jools.

We made it through. I feel relieved it’s (ie the “festivities”) are all over. I generally feel that way but even more so this year. The build up is the worst bit, now it doesn’t matter what day, what date, what year, it’s still just another day without dad in the world.

I don’t mean to sound bleak. I’m generally ok. My brother not so much. Stepmum is doing ok, but I think she hates being on her own and is daunted by a future without dad, which is all very understandable.

Life is a funny old game.

Wishing everyone on here a peaceful new year.

I get the relief of it being over Bonapp I really used to love Xmas but not any more.
I'm mostly ok too, sorry your bro is struggling. I'm abit worried about mum at the moment. She seems angry at the world and has turned down a couple of invites from friends recently. I think she puts on a brave face for me. I'm not really sure how to deal with it.