Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

it's so hard. I totally understand about the anxiety. My dad was meant to have surgery today but it was cancelled at the last minute. So I've spent all day worrying for nothing. I'm in bed now and my chest still hurts from worrying

What a horrible shock - sending hugs. You are obviously close to your Dad, so I would go as soon as you can, even if for a short while. so you don't have any regrets.

I'm abroad too (I'm in France, are you? Guessing from your user name!) and my Dad was taken ill suddenly and died in April. I'm not trying to scare you, just to say that you never know what will happen. He was only 71 and we all thought we had more time. I had to do the last-minute flight thing and it was awful. He was unconscious when I got there but alive. I wished I could have had more time.

I spent the short time between hearing he was ill and getting to him worrying how I would cope. Your comments about that struck a chord with me. I too felt that I was only just able to emotionally handle my existing life, how could I deal with something so massive as this? I was a gibbering wreck at the airport. But you get the strength from somewhere. One day at a time.

I hope the results are better than you fear.

eastmids I think I thought I felt it would be 'easier' if he was older. But I guess it's never going to actually be easy. 'The Worry' makes me queasy, with frequent trips to the loo (I also guess that's adrenaline). Plus makes me feel like someone is sitting on my chest.

I have no patience or tolerance with the children which is really unfair to them.

Lavender what a stressful day you must've had. I hope it's rescheduled soon. The uncertainty is gut-wrenching.

mountain thank you. So sorry to hear about your dad. We are just next door in another French speaking country (my job, FT, is the reason we are here). So getting back to the UK is quick/easy. We are due to go back in a couple of weeks but I am a bit restricted work-wise. It may be that I can fly back every weekend if needbe or "work from home" there on the odd Friday or Monday. I'm sure I could get a leave of absence if it really came to it but I can't quite go there in my head yet.

I think if I talk about it at work I'll be a blubbering mess. And i think I need to save my strength for whatever the results say. I have a catch up with my boss on Thursday so I may tell him then. He lost his mum a couple of years ago so I think would get it (also an expat). I don't know if I could face telling my direct reports though, they'd all be too nice about it! One is a lovely lady who is retiring this week, I think she'd be good to tell but I don't want to dump it on her.

I've got a busy day ahead so will get to work early and try to be distracted.

Love to you all and thank you so much for the support.

I've found that work colleagues can be brilliant. They will often ask how dad is which is nice but can sometimes be hard if he's not in a good place. The Manager has given me time off before so I do think it's good to give them the heads up.
I've found I'm better if I'm actually with dad. If I'm away from him I worry more as I start imagining all sorts! But understandably we can't always be there can we......

I blubbed a bit today and ended up telling a colleague. He was great and thinks I should tell boss, so I will later in the week.

Yes I feel "drawn" to dad so we've been texting a fair bit.

Can't wait to go home.

Take care of yourself OP. My dad was diagnosed with cancer last summer and it really knocked me sideways for a good six months - I was off the ball at work, easily distracted, lacking focus and I didn't have as much get up and go generally. Cut yourself some slack and don't be surprised if the news doesn't properly sink in for a while - I was definitely in shock for a while and then one day while I was reading DS a book I suddenly broke down in tears because it got me that my dad was really ill.

Just to add my bosses were both amazing and very understanding. They definitely cut me a lot of slack and have allowed me to find my feet again at work in my own time. They've not put any pressure on me to do all the extra bits and pieces that normally come with professional services type work. They've waited for me to come back to them to say I want to make moves to progress my career again and I'm feeling more focussed. I hope you get the support you need at work like I did.

mumma so sorry to hear about your dad, this is so horrendous to deal with for everyone involved. Plus the shock is nasty. That's really nice of your work to provide that kind of support.

When it comes to work, everyone I've know who's had older/elderly parents to deal with seems to have just got on with it. Maybe had a couple of weeks off to deal with the funeral etc but seem to have kept it out of work. Just seems to be something that people just get on with. Yet this feels mammoth and I cannot fathom how on earth I will be able to just carry on if/when things get really bad.

There is an employee assistance number which is free and open 24/7 so I may use that at some point.

I've been crying a lot since Saturday, it comes and goes. I am not the kind of person to keep it in. I am just dreading the biopsy/results/diagnosis.

I'm finding I want to be alone but that's when I'm saddest. I avoided going to lunch with colleagues today then sat there fighting back the tears. Silly really, though acting normal is tiring.

I get what you mean about work colleagues seeming to cope. One lady had 2 days off when her mum died, I couldn't understand it. But She said she would rather be kept busy at work and would have gone to pieces had she stayed at home.
I guess until it happens we don't know how we will act.
Believe me, whatever the results you will feel better when you get them. It's then when the plan of action kicks in and you have something to focus on

to all who are going through some heavy stuff.
Sadly, I've been there, and got the t shirt.
My (now late) mum told me her goal as a parent was to raise 2 daughters who would miss her, but would be able to cope after she's gone.
One of the few gifts you can give a sick parent is to let them know (at the appropriate time!), that yes, you will always miss them, and love them loads, but it will be ok, and you will cope.
It's horrible, where you are now. I feel for you all.

Thanks Bluetrews 🌷

Thanks lavender hope you're holding up ok today.

blue I was thinking about just this earlier. My dad has already said he feels bad for everyone else which must be such a heavy burden to bear with everything else.

Just let them know that they don't have to worry about you. Relieve their worry-load as much as you can.

Thanks. He's been a bit down the last few days. Says there's no point in carrying on if it's terminal etc etc
He's never been like this, always so brave. All I can do is sympathise but doesn't help much really

I think empathy and sympathy go a long way. Better than being dismissive. I suppose 'down days', sadly, are par for the course. Must be really hard for you to see lavender I hope he can feel brighter soon.

We have a date for dad's biopsy now (late next week) and we can get home the night he has it, which I think will be a huge help for both him and my stepmum.

I told my boss today, he's very practical and not emotional at all (which is exactly what I need) but very supportive and told me to do what I need to do, so I feel relieved about that. I also told another lovely colleague (who actually retires tomorrow!) who had similar happen to her when she was younger with young children. She's been so lovely to me since I arrived here and I was reluctant to dump this on her but she was great so I'm glad I did mention it. She said she knew something wasn't right with me this week. She is a true gem.

Love and and to anyone else struggling with, well, anything really!

I think it will be good you're going to see your dad Bon, especially if you live abroad. Give him a big hug when you see him!
Bluetrews your mum made sense telling you that, and I'm sorry you've been through it too.
I'm definitely keeping my end up here, but in reality life is very hard already. I live with my Mum and dad, and as well as me working full time, me and dad provide 24 hr care for my severely disabled mum. I'm going to have to think about getting carers in for mum to adjust to change before anything happens. We are just getting on with everything at the moment
to everyone

You sound like you've got lots going on, bless you pink, sounds tough. Do you have much in the way of support?

Yes I am pleased to be going home earlier now we've decided on dates. We were going to go anyway in mid August but we've brought it forward. We all travel out together, DH will stay in the UK with the DC and I will come back here for work then go back to the UK again and then we'll all come back together for the start of the school.

DH and I had a good cry together tonight whilst the kids were out of earshot. I think it's sinking in for him too. He loves my dad (and vice versa) and is obviously hurting for me too.

My lovely lady at work told me whatever happens, I will learn from it, and that it will shape who I'm still to become. I can feel changes happening already, regardless of outcome.

Have a good weekend everyone, hope you have comfort when you need it.

Back home.

Dad's procedure went ok, now just recovery and waiting for the results. Prob another 10-14 days.

My stepmum is a very lovely lady, she doesn't have children herself, but is close to her niece who's the same age as me. The niece has joined in on dad's hosp visits. In one sense I'm glad she's supporting, in another sense I'm angry (jealous?) that she's been involved/aware of what's going on longer than me and I can't help feel that my stepmum, in some weird way, feels like I am not as much a part of it. Stepmum and niece are very close, which is lovely, and I suppose it's natural that stepmum would call on her on first being that they are so close and she only lives 1.5hrs away and that I live abroad ffs so I can't be here but the niece being the first one to support/know is rankling me. It's a bit like stepmum feels her family is my dad and her niece. But makes sense as she's closer geographically and emotionally. But it's my Dad y'know? Not sure I can really articulate what I mean

I've been vile to DH the past 24 hours. I love him dearly but just looking at his face iritates me at the moment Poor guy.

Glad your dads procedure went OK. And I'm really glad your home and seeing everyone.
It must be hard feeling like that about your step mum and niece. You've said that step mum is lovely, so I'm sure she wouldn't want you feeling like that. It must be difficult feeling 'out of the loop' where you don't live up the road. Maybe spending some time at home this weekend may help alleviate a bit of that feeling?
Your poor DH, he can't help his face bless him. I'm sure he knows it's just the stress talking, but when you feel a bit calmer, might be good to just acknowledge that to him.
Here's wishing you a peaceful weekend with your family regardless

Thanks pink. It was so good to see Dad today. He actually looks really well.

DH is ok, we had a cuddle and a chat earlier, he understands and has forgiven me and I'll try not to be so ratty with him.

Re my stepmum, it's all fine. It's just me really. She's been living in this scary bubble for 8 weeks and is a worrier so I really can't begrudge her leaning on her niece. But it felt like it was a bit of a secret that she'd been involved Ach it doesn't matter. As long as I can rant on here and process these emotions, rational or not, that's enough.

How is everyone else doing? Hope your relatives are as ok as poss and you are holding up ok yourselves too

glad it went OK op tough waiting for the results tho.
My dad has also had his procedure and we are also waiting results. And I know exactly what you mean about DH!! I can't even let him touch me, I'm trying so hard to be nice but everyone is annoying me right now!
Good luck with the results xx

That's good news about your dad looking well Bon. That must've been a nice surprise. I have to admit, you did make me chuckle a bit when you said that your DHs face was irritating!

Looks like it'll be at least 3 weeks before dad get results.

So glad we came back when we did. My poor stepmum has so many other things going on too, real hard stuff to deal with. She's all over the place bless her I'm really pleased we can support them by just being here. Had a good cry with Dad earlier, but it was all good really.

it's so bloody tough. My dad is still in hospital in a lot of pain and results not due for a week. I've just got a sick feeling in my stomach all the time. The phone rang this morning and I was a jibbering wreck but it was just a sales call. I need to get a grip but it's such a worry

Oh lavender it is all so very tough. I hope your dads pain is more under control since you posted.

I'm now back in my expat country which feels very weird. I loved being around my dad and it was comforting to have him close by.

I saw one of his hospital letters mentioning "nodules" in several places I googled and discovered they can be benign and just as a result of infection but I think that is pretty unlikely sadly.

One of dad's referral letters talked about the condition they think it is. I have felt ready to google that and have a basic understanding of it now. So I feel somewhat prepared for the worst, though hoping for the best of course. Some of the initial shock has worn off but I feel like something somewhere in the world has shifted - like things will never be the same again

Results will be available towards the end of aug apparently. Whilst that's ages away it's giving us all a bit of a break from it and we are living in an ignorance is bliss kind of state.

I'm really worried about my stepmum though. She is so worried and stressed and my dad is also worried about her and the fact that my brother also lives abroad (ie neither of us are around for her) and she has no children of her own. So he feels helpless that he might leave her.

I am beginning to wonder how I will be able to manage things whilst living away. I'm the only earner here so hard for me to take significant time off work. My brother has said he'll go home "if it's bad" which will be a big help, but then I feel bad to him as he's had a tough year for various reasons and only just getting settled.

I feel like all those fears I had about parents getting ill whilst I lived abroad have been some kind of premonition. And the odd thing is that it's always been my dad who would spring to mind when those fears would crop up. Now it could well be true.

My 3 year old had a hissy fit the other day and my dad picked her up for a big cuddle and she calmed right down just clung to him while he told her it would all be ok. She's always had a soft spot for him. It reminded me of his cuddles when I was little and how safe and reassuring he felt. I'm so she has had the same experience with him.