Bad news today, feeling sick and teary.

[BonApp]

My dad might be ill. I don't want to go into details but some further tests will reveal things properly in the coming weeks.

He was in tears when he told me today. I live abroad so we were chatting over Skype. I am going home in a few weeks thankfully so don't need to rush back, but I do feel bad for living elsewhere. And in fact I posted recently about this being one of my fears (parents health declining whilst I am in a different country). My sibling lives abroad too, much further than me.

My head is racing with thoughts of the short/medium/long-term. I know it's futile to speculate or worry until we know what we're dealing with but I've felt sick all day.

This is my dad. My hero. He's driven me up the wall as he's got older but I love him so much. We were supposed to be planning his 70th birthday celebrations but now nothing looks certain.

I knew the time would come when my parents would become elderly or experience poor-health but I'm not ready yet. And my dad isn't either.

Not sure why I'm posting really.

it will take time Bon we are 10 months in and my mum has good and bad days. some days she looks awful and like she hasn't slept, other days she's laughing and optimistic. I hate the thought of her sat alone in the house but all I can do is support her. it's not easy

I know, I guess it’ll be months and years really.

I am worried her friends and family think we (as in my brother and me) are really selfish for living abroad and leaving her.

You're not selfish! it's not as tho you have just upped and moved. I assume you have both lived abroad for a number of years?
My brother lives a 4 hour drive away and I know he feels guilty about being far away, but I don't hold it against him!
He has had mum to stay for a long weekend and visits every 4 months or so. He has his own business which makes it harder. It is what it is, you just have to support her with phone calls etc. Bearing in mind that you are grieving too.....Can she face time/Skype? would it be possible for her to visit you?

I only loved last January, then in July dad said he was undergoing tests. We are happy here, we want to stay. My brother had been away for 2 years at that point.

At the moment we are Skyping every evening and she is planning to visit with my brother during the summer hols. She is not confident to travel alone as my dad was always the one to book travel and sort all that. She was so dependent on him. But has sworn she will make him proud by doing new stuff.

I am so independent I find it hard to get my head around it. Different generations I guess.

Only moved

sounds like my mum Bon dad did all the online banking, insurance etc. He had an up to date iPad and mobile but mum would never touch it. She manages to check her banking online now but that's all, just looks and makes sure the balance is correct
There is no way she would leave the country alone, she won't even drive after dark! and only really drives to the local shop.
I think it is a different generation, I too am very independent.I don't think she will change now.
It's good she is planning to visit you tho. Gives her something to look forward to.

I think we all knew that dad would go before my stepmum (just not so soon) so in a way it’s silly really that we are so shocked she’s now on her own.

same here Bon but it is a shock isn't it. it's like we thought they were immortal

Ahh my 3yo just asked “When is grandad going to be alive again? I’d like to kiss him”

They had a very special bond. He told he before he died that he wished he could’ve known her for longer.

I hope we can keep his memory alive for her.

bon that's heartbreaking ♥️
I'm sure you will keep his memory alive. My DS (20) has a photo of grandad in his bedroom and we talk about him a lot. It was hard at first but comes easier now.

This week has been weird. I feel like I’ve barely thought about dad, and now I feel guilty because I’ve been busy with work/home/kids. I’ve not been sleeping well, can’t seem to wind down enough of an eveving and stay up too late on my phone. I’m conscious of the whole thing all the time but don’t seem to feel driven to think about dad specifically. Despite feeling a bit guilty, I think I’m ok. It still feel like it’s all been a blur tbh.

I could sit here and cry if I wanted to. But I could just as easily not.

I feel relieved to not be traveling. So relieved. I feel I’ve got a bit more space in my head again - though I’m sadly filling it with being on my phone rather than doing anything productive. Sounds lame but maybe it’s escapism. But I need to use that headspace to be a better wife and mummy. And to focus on myself. Not to look up pointless shite on the internet

I’m tired from sleeping badly so I suppose everything is a bit odd but I can’t feally describe how I feel. Numb maybe? Is this normal? Am I heartless and cold? Am I going to crash in a few weeks or months?

"I could sit here and cry if I wanted to. But I could just as easily not."
Bon that's exactly how I feel, in fact I did have a cry yesterday. I don't really know why, I found my old phone and was looking st photos and it all came flooding back. This time last year we were waiting for dads biopsy and trying to be hopeful.......
But most of the time I won't let myself think about him, it's very confusing!

It's very early days for you tho, You are not heartless and cold!! and yes You may crash and burn, but I havnt yet!
Escapism in any which way is fine, phone,book,tv,gazing into space. all good!
And I'm sure your DH and DC think you're a fab wife and mum!
Take each day as it comes, you will have good and bad days for a while yet xx

After saying all that, today isn't good. was 10 months yesterday since dad went. Today mum is so upset, inconsolable. I don't know what has triggered it but I've never seen her so upset. I'm not sure what to do, I'm just staying with her at the moment, I feel a bit helpless and alone

Thank you jools. I just thought grief would be overwhelming all the time and it’s more like a low level sadness all the time instead.

I’ve noticed that small things that annoy me individually are ok but all together it feels too much.

So sorry your mum is struggling today. I was saying to my brother that our stepmum seems to be doing ok, in that she has some busy days and some not so busy days but that it appears to be a good balance for her. Of course she’s having ups and downs but the day by day approach seems to be working. HOWEVER - “day by day” must also be so exhausting and daunting and frustrating and sad and draining all at once. Being thrust into a strange new world that they didn’t ask for must be so tough at times

Like you say I think it's a series of small things that build. A letter she doesn't understand or her car breaking down I guess she must suddenly feel alone when something out the ordinary happen

Yes that’s it. My stepmum was saying one of the windows upstairs won’t close properly and she doesn’t know where to start to fix it. Such responsibility and work to handle everything alone.

My brother thinks their house is now really bleak. Too big and still and quiet, and full of memories. He’s really struggling, bless him. Hopefully they will all come and visit us here sooon and the change of scenery will do them some good.

I'm really upset about mum and dad's garden. He kept it so beautiful and spent hours out there. it was his pride and joy.
its now a mess😥mum tries bless her but it's too much for her. We need to have a think of what to do with it 《sigh》

Oh no jools you always talk about your dads garden. Can you get a gardener in to help?

yes I think that's what we will have to do. Mum is worried about getting conned tho so will have to try and get some recommendations. Dad must have worked his socks off keeping that garden nice!

Ahh bless your dad, I’ve got a really lovely image of him from all your descriptions.

Recommendations are deffo the way to go.

My stepmum is slowly getting used to trusting people (eg. Pond maintenance man, decorator) to come into the house and help.

I hope you find someone soon and can restore their garden to your dads standards.

aah what a lovely thing to say, thank you he was a lovely man and I miss him so much.
I agree, mum will need help and we need to start putting things in place, to keep us all sane!

Stay strong jools.

Thank you I've had a rough couple of days letting my mind think about past holidays with dad. Lovely memories but so hard to think about them. Hope everyone is ok x

Ahh jools so bittersweet. I totally get you about your mind wandering. I did the sane yesterday morning and then was wondering if it would all be on my mind at work and I wouldn’t be able to hold it together, but then I must’ve switched into work mode and now I can’t even remember where my mind wandered to!

It’s weird as I’m not even sure I think of dad that much yet at the same time, it feels like he (and grief) are never far from my mind.

It’ll be a year on Sunday since I started this thread. What a year