I'm not OK

[Willowkins]

My lovely DH was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer with mets in the liver and lungs last year. After 6 long months of chemo we have the scan and results this coming week. I have been holding it together all this time. The thing is I suddenly realise I am not OK. I know this sounds selfish and this shouldn't be about me but I feel so sad. I was listening to Run by Leona Lewis and I just burst into tears. Also, I've realised that I need everything to be perfect to feel safe but of course it's not perfect so I get really cross. I wanted to punch a man in his car earlier today. This is not OK is it?

Joining in the howling from Cornwall. Sometimes a good howl is the only way forward.

selena how are you doing?

And everyone else too, of course. There's no quick fixes here. are there?

Hello all, I'm here to join the party I didn't ever want to go to.

My story has been told in another post, but briefly... My brother is 34 and dying of bowel cancer. It's now palliative care and a hospice. My poor parents only ever did their best for him and adopted us as babies; now they have to watch one of their much wanted and cherished babies go so cruelly before his time.

I will never be able to look at life in quite the same way, and being a parent myself am going to hold onto my daughter much tighter tomorrow.

Life is so shite sometimes. 😢😥😔

Oh Noo, I am so sorry. At least my husband reached almost 80, though with the brain and previous fitness of a 50 year old. My heart goes out to you and your family

Sometimes - - - life's a sod.

Welcome Noo but sorry you've had to join. We're a supportive bunch on this thread.

34 is really young to have bowel cancer so that is tough. I'm here because my DH has bowel cancer originally marked down for palliative care only but nearly a year after diagnosis is now having surgery and who knows where it will all end up.

I should add that I lost my DSis to cancer when she was in her late 20's. People don't understand as if losing a sibling is no great thing but 30+ years on there is still a sister-sized hole in my life. It shaped my life.

for all on this thread this bright morning.

Good morning all. And welcome to NooNoo
Managed to get out with DH yesterday - we had a day at the beach, which was lovely. I suspect there will be a lot of sleeping going on today!

Hello and how is everybody?

DH is in terrible pain even though on Oxy. Internal adhesions apparently and there is not a lot they can do about it at this stage. It's so frustrating as he feels quite well apart from that - and in spite of the cancer.

MacMillan's continue to be amazing support.

and hugs, Willow.

So glad MacMillan helping too. I've had both GP's who saw DH on, saying how lovely he was, and checking I was OK.

Ploughing through the paperwork.

And big hugs to you too Selena. Our GP has been brilliant I must say. I remember the bureaucracy from when mum and dad died a few years ago. On the one hand, it worked well as a displacement activity but it also seemed like it would never end. I hope you are also finding time to look after yourself.

Thank you Willow. The Tell Us Once service appears to be brilliant in sorting out the official stuff, driving licence, passport, rates, pensions, benefits, etc. Most places I've phoned have been great - a certain one beginning with cap--a lived up to its nickname of crap---a!

Yes, I'm looking after myself well. My 2 cats make sure I'm up and about too!

Hugs to all.

We have a hospital visit tomorrow including a counselling session for me.

Tell Us Once sounds excellent. I didn't know about that.

Hope it goes okay at the hospital and the counselling session Fuzzy. As you know, I found my counselling very helpful.

We also have appt at hospital tomorrow to see the oncologist; then another full CT scan. They're talking about operating on liver but we've been here before and I don't want to get my hopes up.

Selena, the biggest problem when Dad died was a certain media company. However, we did manage to get important stuff off the computer before they closed down his account. It's one of those things I mean to do something about because all the accounts are in my DH's name. Hope you are nearing the bottom of your list and able to get out and about.

Hugs to all

Yes Willow would make life so much easier if in joint names, wish we'd have done more but think it felt just 'too much' for DH.

I think I've done all the necessary 'informing', now getting info back and will look seriously at the Probate forms once tomorrow (funeral) is over.

Hope all went well on Wednesday Fuzzy.

Thank you....hosp visit was ok, nothing much to report really (which, in the grand scheme of things is good). I shall be having a proper course of counselling when it can be arranged (6-8 weeks). I think it will do me good. I've lost myself in all this.

selena wishing you all the very best for the funeral today. I hope it goes off smoothly and you get all the support you need. Thinking of you x

I'm coming to this late but really wanted to wish you peace and love today Selena

All went incredibly well and so many turned up. A really good send-off and thank you everyone for the support.

Oh Selena I am sorry I didn't see when the funeral was, I am glad he had a good send off, take care of yourself

It's gone a bit quiet here so I am just checking in (am ok) and hoping everyone else is ok too. I know that is all relative and why on earth should anyone be "ok" at all, but I think you probably know what I mean.
Love to all.

It's all a bit quiet here as well, DH has recovered mostly from his op, he is having issues with fluid retention in his legs but this was happening before the operation. Scans this week then back in the treadmill of chemo, not sure how many rounds, before the bowel tumour is taken out. That is the plan so far

Yes, Fuzzy I was thinking the same last night, then couldn't think about anything remotely interesting to post.

Oh Five, you must be exhausted, scared, shattered, whilst trying to keep DH upbeat. You too Willow.

and hugs to everyone. I think I'm doing OK, pro tem at least. Coffee, ice cream and support keeping me afloat so far.

We went for a walk the other day (with fish and chips by the beach half way) and it wore us both out!

Our bit of Cornwall has gladly not been storm affected at all (yet!). Poor Coverack.

Hi all. We are going about our normal lives as much as anyone can in this situation. Pain is manageable and reducing. We are waiting for results of scans to hear whether it's more chemo or more surgery. A little holiday has been booked and I'm looking forward to that.

I really want fish and chips now Fuzzy

Ooh fish and chips, well done on booking a holiday, still can't at the moment but planning some day trips with DC's in the holidays and maybe an overnight stay in London

Holiday sounds very lovely willow - as does reducing pain. Well done!

Why does fish and chips taste so much better by the sea?

Anyone heard from squirrels lately? I am hoping she is doing ok.

Hi, I'm reading but haven't been posting.
To be honest, it's hard at times - you are all going through crap, and mine is a different type of crap now x
Anyway, I'm mostly okay, and sometimes not.
I'm posting on the 'DH has died thread' quite a bit.
Love to you all and quietly cheering you on.

Bless you squirrels. Your experience could be mine in a matter of months or years and I hope I would be able to have your generosity of spirit if/when it does. I've also been following you on other threads and I can tell it's painful for you. I think simple shock masks the pain to begin with but over time you're just left with the pain and sense of loss. You miss your lovely John and it's so unfair. I sense that you are a strong, determined woman and you will get through this. Sending you a handhold anyway.