I'm not OK

[Willowkins]

My lovely DH was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer with mets in the liver and lungs last year. After 6 long months of chemo we have the scan and results this coming week. I have been holding it together all this time. The thing is I suddenly realise I am not OK. I know this sounds selfish and this shouldn't be about me but I feel so sad. I was listening to Run by Leona Lewis and I just burst into tears. Also, I've realised that I need everything to be perfect to feel safe but of course it's not perfect so I get really cross. I wanted to punch a man in his car earlier today. This is not OK is it?

willowkins that sounds like a great deal to me! Hope it goes ok.

Update: Sunday DH at death's door. Yesterday talking about him coming home. Great news.

But, at the moment he's doubly incontinent, immobile and in pain+++ due to the cancer in his hip. Once again the Palliative Nurse, like others, takes the latter as something 'new'. I ask about the results of the hip X-Ray taken on Saturday - oh, the doctor will look at that.

If he could walk even a little way, we can manage. Why don't they/didn't they listen? Grrrrr. But it's lovely to have him not confused and chatty.

Small things make all the difference don't they selena

DH is on the ward now, just about to head to see him via ikea, his brother is still here and although helpful is doing my head in, so Sunday he will go home.

I worked with a lady who had a bag willow took me three months to realise and only then when she told me, so they are hugely discreet. My friend thinks she will have to have one as well but as she said better a bag then dead

Nothing helpful to add, but just wanted to say hello to everyone!

DH still in hospital as he has not done a bowel movement yet, he has been trying hard but no joy

Has DH been on codeine and or morphine, Five? Tend to bung you up, as one might say! Licorice, lots of black coffee, linseeds can be helpful.

Hello Fuzzy and everyone else. Hope all well.

I think 'they', ie nursing staff and doctor in hospital, might at last be listening about my DH's agonising hip pain from bone mets. Plus I think he is learning to tell them about it too, rather than suffering in silence (except to me, of course!).

Did the operation go well Five?

Yes, thank you, operation went well, all cancerous tumours were removed and enough healthy liver was left to regenerate. He is still in, trying again tomorrow. One big issue is that he can't drive for 4-6 weeks and then 6 weeks after the next operation which is going to test my organisational skills

That's great news. Yes the no driving thing is annoying!

So DH is home, however DS has had to go to my mothers. Turns out that the heat rash I thought he had is in fact slapped cheek and has been doing the rounds at school but no email about it. Not impressed with school and they will be hearing about that tomorrow. So got home from hospital, got DH settled and then went to pick up DS from my mothers, he told me the good news, phoned surgery to see whether I could take home home, phoned a few times, doctor never phoned back, 111 were useless, so I have abandoned him there. Last heard they were heading off to the shops to buy sweets. Thought I would try and stay of wine tonight but hasn't happened

I've just caught up with all the updates. Hope you are all well and DHs doing well. Five I don't mind the driving just as long as I don't have to be in two places at once. All set here for op tomorrow and I am just about to give DH his Fragmin injection. Then to DSis who will be making sure DCs eat, get to school etc. Then pack a small bag. Then an early night I think.

Hope everything goes well tomorrow Willow.

Everything crossed here for you willow

Wishing you all the best tomorrow Willow. Early night sound slike a good idea.

DH didn't do so well today. His transplant isn't doing as well as hoped and he'll have to have some further treatment that can have horrible side effects. It wasn't the news we wanted and had hoped for. I'm feeling sad.

Aw Fuzzy I'm so sorry to hear that. I think cancer takes a little a bit of us each time we get bad news. Is it our world or us that shrinks?

DH is in surgery and now I have done everything I can do so just have to wait but I feel fidgety and can't decide whether to go home for a couple of hours.

Hugs all you lovely people.

Urgh to the fidgety feeling willow. I hate waiting for anything. Hope all is well.

My world had definitely shrunk. Sadly I have not. To much sitting about means I am fat! I've done some vigorous gardening this morning though, that must count for something.

Hugs to all.

Thinking of everyone and hoping for positive outcomes for all.

How is your DH Willow?

It was a long, long day yesterday. Arrived at hospital at 7 in the morning and said goodbye at 9. He had 9 hours of prep and surgery and was in the recovery room for 3 hours. I managed to spend some time with him on HDU before going home at 10pm. Hopefully will find out how the surgery went today. He is in pain this morning and on morphine. I will see him at 11 but first have to get the DCs up for school. Life goes on.

How are you all doing today?

That IS a long day willow. Hope you managed some sleep last night. How are you both doing this morning?

And how is everybody else? squirrels how are you doing?

My DH comes home from hospital today. Surgery went well but he's been in a lot of pain. Oxy has sorted it but I am dreading them sending him home unless he has the pain meds he needs.
Hope everyone OK or as OK as you can be in the circumstances. We just soldier on.

Hello everyone. Hope return home goes OK Willow and everything put in place for you properly.

After a week of hassle, my DH went in a local nursing home on Monday, fast tracked out of hospital to hospice type care. Our local hospice only takes patients at imminent end of life, like 7 days, which seems bizarre but there it is.

The home staff seem lovely and the pain being managed so much better. There is no way I could manage turning him every 2 hours, administering insulin, oxycodone, personal care etc etc and he is so much more comfortable than in hospital. Like everyone else I guess, I just wish we could turn back the clock to what was.

But we can't - so onward and upward.

Hope the homecoming goes well Willowkins.

Hope you are managing Selena.

I'm better than I was at the beginning of the month, had a shockingly bad couple of weeks. Work is going well and I'm trying to expand my social circle somewhat.
Having said that, this morning I'm still in bed and crying - but in a sad not a depressed way (if that makes any sense), I think a good cry every so often (and more often now than ever) let's me "get it out".

Selena and squirrels,