I'm not OK

[Willowkins]

My lovely DH was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer with mets in the liver and lungs last year. After 6 long months of chemo we have the scan and results this coming week. I have been holding it together all this time. The thing is I suddenly realise I am not OK. I know this sounds selfish and this shouldn't be about me but I feel so sad. I was listening to Run by Leona Lewis and I just burst into tears. Also, I've realised that I need everything to be perfect to feel safe but of course it's not perfect so I get really cross. I wanted to punch a man in his car earlier today. This is not OK is it?

(posted too soon)
I've been thinking of both of you over the last few days and following on the MN aunties thread.
Selena I'm glad you're getting the support you and your DH need. Did you have to fight to get it?

squirrels I'm so sorry you've been feeling low. No one can take this away unfortunately.
I started this thread when I honestly thought I was going to lose my DH imminently and as it happens we still have a tiny glimmer of hope but that fear is always there - that I could be where you are next month or next year. So you both have my strongest admiration for the grace you are showing during these terrible times

Hi Willow. Even though we are near the end I thought it would already have happened and I would be just behind squirrels.

Yes it's been bit of a fight I didn't need over the last 2 weeks. But the key words have been 'Fast track' - to get him into nursing home/or care at home fully funded. The hospice criteria may be different in other areas though.

Read up as much as you can and make sure claiming any benefits possible.

My DH just been fired with a syringe driver which tends to hasten the end but if it sorts out the pain so be it.

for you all. X

Hello again. I finished my final counselling session today and thought I would share some of my learning in case it's useful.

Firstly, I now have two places to put my worries. One is a worry box for things I can do nothing about and I can now shove those kinds of worries in that box for a later time (when I put something in a box it is not seen for years and years so that is actually helping me cope in the short term). The other is a worry list and this is for problems that I can actually solve (so I am getting more done now)

Secondly, I have been putting myself at the bottom of the list. I don't know why that is but now I'm conscious of it, I am trying to make sure I have some time for myself. I need this if I am going to be in good shape for the long term.

I'm still on the rollercoaster. DH is recovering. He is adjusting to the stoma and getting out and about. Pain is under control. Who knew we would be grateful for these little mercies.

Hugs and all round.

That's good he's recovering well.

Can I also recommend (counsellor head on here) a Gratitude or Thankful List? Every day or at least regularly, write a list of 5 things to be grateful for. Can be huge, 'I have £10K in the bank I can spend how I want'; but also down to earth - 'I have two eyes so I can see', 'I have the ability to .. whatever!'

Helps with finding time for self too and does in a small way calm that roller coaster of fear. Ish at least . If nothing else, all this is teaching me to seize the day, enjoy the moment - stuff I used to think was a bit of sentimental codswallop!

Thanks Tas and Selena and you're absolutely right about the positives. We need that as a kind of a survival instinct I think. And I really do have so much to be thankful for.

willow that sounds really good.

I feel really bad today, my friend had her tumour taken out a week ago and is still I hospital, she asked me how is was and I replied honestly that i felt I was broken, tireless, on my knees etc, she had a go at me. I feel crap. DH is vpbasically housebound as he can't stand on his feet for longer than 15 'Knute a before everything swells up, so I am doing everything. He has told me tonight that it is likely he will have more chemo before his next surgery, I know she wants me to empathise, she is one of ,y oldest friends, but I am really struggling

Five. Until anyone has walked in our shoes, they should keep their opinions firmly to themselves. And even if they have and are, it won't be the same.

Today has been meltdown day for me. In tears what seems like every hour as everyone I met was kind (!!). At nursing home they are confirming DS and my suspicions that DH now in a different phase, oxycodone being upped quite a lot to stop breakthrough pain and I know, I know there could be no happy ending - but ....it's going to be soon.

The home manager gave me a huge hug as I was leaving as she saw the tears, then made sure she was there to check I was OK when she realised I was visiting again this evening. Such kindness throws me.

I wish I could do the same to you, and everyone else going through this.

selena oh lovey huge hugs to you and your DS, with you every step of the way xxxxxx

I'm reading but finding it difficult to find the right words, I'm sorry.
I'm with you all - glad for the good news and sad about the bad news. You are all in my thoughts.
You are so right Selena others might have gone through similar experience buy no one else goes through YOUR experience in the way you do.
Love to all of us x

I'm just so sorry you're going through this Selena . Sending a handhold and a hug.

😢 My darling DH died very peacefully at 6 pm this evening. 😢

Oh Selena I'm so sorry to read this.
I know it was coming, and it's good that he was peaceful at the end - but none of that distracts or helps what you are going through.
I'm thinking of you xx

Selena, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Look after yourself.x

Selena I'm so sad for you and for everything you and your DH have gone through.

selena I am so very, very sorry. I cannot imagine ever being prepared for this. Sending you my love

selena I am so sorry to read this, lots of love

Thank you all so much. I think we're doing OK, so far anyway.

Funeral - well, service at crem - all arranged bar who's taking it, plus the do afterwards. Undertaker, lovely lad, really good and seems genuinely interested which helps.

I'm trying to keep a fairly normal life going and my two Siberian cats remind me that they need feeding in the mornings.

But he's not here and won't be again. Although .... I put his phone on charge and it went berserk, flipping through texts, pictures, emails, putting emojis everywhere, even when I took it off charge. It wouldn't turn off. And then calmed down. Weird or what?

I don't understand my hubby's phone - it has a mind of its own. How are you today Selena? I've been thinking of you all day. Let me know if you're planning to howl at the universe. I'll join in from Kent.

I think I'm OK, Willow. I think it's a bit cloudy (and chilly) here to howl tonight but I might look out as I'm locking up at 11 and have a bit of a therapeutic squeal at least so hope you can join in.

Diagonally across England should do something helpful.

Any howls, squeals, screams from others anywhere in the world very welcome too.

Ha e you got anyone at home with you Selena?

More of a squeak here because I didn't want to wake the neighbours but I threw a few punches as well. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Selena I posted on this thread a little while ago because of DH diagnosis of cancer. I'm so sorry that your DH has gone :-( Sending love and strength for the days ahead. Your love and care has shone through on here and hope you get some comfort from the fact that you did absolutely everything you could to support him to the end x

Thank you dahliaa, that's so kind. How is your DH?

Yes, Willow, mine was more of a loud squeak but felt therapeutic, hope same for you too.