I've been musing elsewhere and wanted a record of it here ...
It's my birthday. I'm 45.
Ds1 came in earlier to get his phone, sang Happy Birthday to me, asked if I wanted my present (I was half asleep) and I said later.
Ds2 is camping with a friend last night and back in a while. I miss him coming and cuddling me in the morning.
Went to my parents with Ds1 last night, my mum's youngest brother & wife were down, I was given presents to bring back to open this morning. I haven't opened them yet.
I don't want any of it, I just want John. I can't have him, only memories.
I went through the pictures on my laptop the other day and put of load of him on my phone. A good portion were taken around this time of year, we always went away in the UK for a few days in May half term, which always falls on my birthday.
Five years ago we'd only been together a year, and the boys were just getting to know him, we went to Wicksteed Park for the day. John gave me a bracelet made of little sliver loops, like a sweetie bracket. I loved it and have worn it pretty much every day since.
Four years ago we were in Redditch. We went to Stratford and West Midlands Safari Park and Shakespeare places. John brought me a silver necklace I didn't really like and we tried to change it, but I couldn't find anything else in the shop I preferred. I hardly wore it, then when I lost weight a couple of years later it was a much better fit and now I wear it every day.
Three years ago we were in Canterbury for a few days. We went to Margate, and an animal place - Howletts I think, and other things I can't remember. John got me my bike, and I'd already had it a week or so before my birthday. We were trying to get fitter and planned to cycle a bit, we'd do a circuit a couple of times a week but only if the weather was good, and we stopped over the winter.
Two years ago we had been staying in Chester, we went to Chester Zoo (which was my childhood fondly remember zoo, and quite a let down), walked the walls, took my uncle (who had downs syndrome) to Anderton Boat Lift. We went to Styal Mill on the way home on my birthday. John gave me a card with this badge attached and insisted I wear it, it's been clipped onto my bedroom curtain since then. Just realised I don't seem to have many pictures of the Chester trip. I've been racking my brain to think what he gave me, and have finally remembered it was my watch, my old one was well past it's best and we spent a couple of hours wandering round the Chester shops not finding one then a few more hours that evening in browsing the Internet until we found one I liked.
Last year he sat on the sofa and slept a lot, having just got out of hospital on 25th and going through the post chemo dip. Ds2 got a box of my favourite chocolates with his dad for John to give to me. I didn't think he'd have long, I didn't know if we'd still be getting married on 1 June, I was petrified of what the future held.
This year, I'm in the future, and John isn't.
While I'm typing this my phone has pinged with birthday wishes a few times, my SIL, and a couple of colleagues who have been so supportive. My mum messaged me earlier. A couple of relatives yesterday as today they won't have Internet access for various reasons. And the only person I want to be saying it is John.
I'm going out for a meal with my friends this evening, I'd decided it was a good idea, and it will be but I'm not sure how I'll cope. I'm struggling at this point. Maybe typing and thinking about the above has got some of it out.