DH's cancer progression - DH has died [title edited at request of OP]

[Chasingsquirrels]

DH was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus with liver secondaries last sping.
He was HER2 positive and had initial chemo then continuing herceptin.
It was very rocky post initial diagnosis - his throat closed up completely and he was hospitalised following a failed attempt to fit a feeding tube, was fed through a PICC line for a week and then they managed to fit a stent.
He coped well with the chemo and the results were quite positive with the liver nets reducing quite significantly and being held by the herceptin.
In the autumn he has a scan following a period of sickness and the main tumour had grown. He had a second stent fitted and then had radiotherapy.
He seemed to be recovering in January but then had a further period of sickness and another scan 10 days ago showed the liver mets have grown and tumour nodules in his lungs.
The consultant said 3-6 months at this stage, with the possibility of second line chemo which if it works could add a few months to that.
DH's general health has gone downhill rapidly the last few weeks. He is very tired, but unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time, has severe pain episodes and underlying general pain, plus tinnitus from the chemo. He has lost a lot of weight.

I've made the decision to take a leave of absence from work, and have been spending the last few days handing things over.
I feel so conflicted about it, he is my direct line manager and to a large extent I've been doing part of his job as well to enable him to keep working which he wanted to do. I'm utterly exhausted and just can't do it anymore.
He has also accepted that he has to stop now.
I don't want to just give up, but I feel I have to spend thus time with him.

I have no idea what my future holds.

Awe thanks Cake.
I'm just eating chicken with peppers and tomatoes and little roasted new potatoes. Very nice.
Although I should probably have eaten eggs as the hens are laying well and they are building up - I'll sell some to next door!

That does sound good! Will be doing banana pancakes in the morning

Pancakes sounds like a good idea for using up eggs for breakfast tomorrow, ds's can make them .
Boys will be back soon, I'm not actually up yet. No plans for the day although will go to my parents for tea.

Local village fair tomorrow and ds2 us doing the Maypole and they are both helping out on the burger stall as part of scouts, which I'm also helping with. So hoping for good weather.

Not sure than I'm looking forward to going back to work a week tomorrow, but do think that structure and people will be good for me.
I'm very very sad and lonely when I'm on my own, and missing John increasingly as time goes by.

We've also got a mountain of bananas so might have to do banana loaf/muffins - good for lunch boxes too - they feel they've had a treat and I feel virtuous

Sorry you're finding it so hard. Hope that work will help a bit.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow - doesn't look promising here!

Chasing, thought I'd pop over here and say hello on your thread. Sorry things are difficult at the moment. Going back to work will be hard at first, especially as John used to work there too, but I think it's good that you've made the decision to go back. Take it slowly and don't try to do too much, it's very early days yet.

I could do with a few chickens here - DS(22) is a naturally skinny build and is trying to bulk up a bit, so he's been lifting weights and eating lots of protein, including loads of eggs.

When they were teenagers the older boys went through a phase of wanting chickens in the garden but I put my foot down on two grounds - we live rurally and have lots of foxes around, and more importantly DS3 is terrified of chickens!

Hello Squirrels, just checking in as I have been wondering how you are getting on and hoping you are as ok as can be.

(Sorry it has been a while, my DH has had several issues with his health and a very up and down recovery, if that's what it is - as opposed to graft rejection - a whole new story.)

Hope you get some decent weather for the village fair tomorrow and good luck for the return to work. I think of you often.

Just popping my head in to say hello Squirrels. Here's hoping for a few rays of sun☀️ and a few treats at the fair, with the Maypole. Sounds lovely 🍭🍿🥗

Will be thinking of you, try not to worry about having to break the news to people. It will be hard, but it will hopefully be helpful to have people around who knew John and can share some sweet memories of your dear love. Xx

Thanks all, people who didn't know would have been people who know me (from kids school etc) but didn't know John - anyway that didn't happen.

Watched the maypole, full on at the burger stall for a few hours then walked round the fair with the same friend from last year chatted to a few people, then caught up with ds2 playing a few games and came home. And some sun and no rain.

Legs aching from biking there - it's not far!! John and I had started biking (a very little bit) for some exercise a few years ago and we're doing a 30 minute circuit once or twice a week in the summer, but I don't think I've biked since last Mayday!

Just checking in here too. Extra hugs and hope the legs are OK today.

Hi squirrels. Just to let you know that I'll be thinking of you when you go back to work next week. It will seem very strange at first but gradually, over time it will become more normal. You can do this.

Thank you both x

Hey, just swinging by. Hope you're doing better on the eating front. (I'm not, but hey ho)

Any plans for the weekend?

I typed a post yesterday evening but appear to have lost it.

Up at 3.30am this morning to get ds1 to school for 4am for a trip. Took ages to get back to sleep then ds2 was up at 7am. Am knackered now! Ds1 back around 10pm tonight so hoping they aren't late.

Totally conflicted about how I feel about going back to work next week.

Missing John so much. I think it was easier right at the beginning because it was a relief that the really awful last couple of months were over and he wasn't in pain any more and I wasn't having to live with it either. And that's faded now and I'm just left with this overwhelming emptiness and missing him so much that it takes my breath away at times.

I'm struggling to get any kind of routine in my life beyond the kids, so maybe work will help with that.

I don't think I'm depressed on a clinical basis, I'm just so sad about the loss of him in my life and our future, and I miss him in my life so much.

I've applied to join WAY (Widowed and Young) and will see what comes of that.

I can imagine that you were relieved he was out of the suffering, but the reality of it is going to be very hard for you.

I'm thinking of you and here if you need an ear - unfortunately not much help otherwise.

I'm sure WAY would be helpful as will going back to work to give you a bit of "normality". Sorry you're so sad

Hope the school trip is on time - what a long day for everyone involved!

Squirrels my love, had sent you a PM, please feel free to ignore, just worried in case you hadn't seen. xxxx

KnottyAndPistey thank you, I have just replied.

Cake thanks for being around x

I've not much better to do It's excellent distraction from my own shit

Just coming round this way to send a hug too and some
x

Hope you have a lovely Sunday dinner with your family. How are you feeling about work now? Guess, plunging in and seeing how you go is the way forward here?

I've just read this from beginning to end, not realising I'd posted early then dropped off. A lovely, sad and uplifting thread. The photos were lovely, Chasing, and a real sense of your loving relationship is clear throughout.

Still thinking of you squirrels.
The overwhelming emptiness is something I have contemplated (although cannot really image until it happens) if the worst happens to my DH. If it makes me weep now, goodness only knows how you get through the days.
Wishing you peace.

Hope work is going well. Making it to first coffee break is a major plus, I always think.

Thanks everyone.
Hope you are doing okay echt, I read my thread back in the first weeks after John died, but don't think I'd be able to at the moment.
FuzzyCustard, hope everything is going okay with your DH. Try not to contemplate what might be - enjoy what you have

I think of you often - I can see the love you and John had for each other shining though. I hope work went all right.

Morning! 5am start courtesy of DS. How are things?

How does WAY work now you've registered? Do they have weekly meetings like WI or set social functions that you can join in as and when?

Hi squirrels, have you gone back to work yet? Hope it's going okay and not too weird