DH's cancer progression - DH has died [title edited at request of OP]

[Chasingsquirrels]

DH was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus with liver secondaries last sping.
He was HER2 positive and had initial chemo then continuing herceptin.
It was very rocky post initial diagnosis - his throat closed up completely and he was hospitalised following a failed attempt to fit a feeding tube, was fed through a PICC line for a week and then they managed to fit a stent.
He coped well with the chemo and the results were quite positive with the liver nets reducing quite significantly and being held by the herceptin.
In the autumn he has a scan following a period of sickness and the main tumour had grown. He had a second stent fitted and then had radiotherapy.
He seemed to be recovering in January but then had a further period of sickness and another scan 10 days ago showed the liver mets have grown and tumour nodules in his lungs.
The consultant said 3-6 months at this stage, with the possibility of second line chemo which if it works could add a few months to that.
DH's general health has gone downhill rapidly the last few weeks. He is very tired, but unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time, has severe pain episodes and underlying general pain, plus tinnitus from the chemo. He has lost a lot of weight.

I've made the decision to take a leave of absence from work, and have been spending the last few days handing things over.
I feel so conflicted about it, he is my direct line manager and to a large extent I've been doing part of his job as well to enable him to keep working which he wanted to do. I'm utterly exhausted and just can't do it anymore.
He has also accepted that he has to stop now.
I don't want to just give up, but I feel I have to spend thus time with him.

I have no idea what my future holds.

Thinking of you Squirrels.

Sounds like you are forging ahead with a good balance.

Morning squirrels just thinking of you and sending this morning.

Just checking in with you too. Hope you're all doing OK. Sun is out which always helps my mood.

Time ticks on.
A quiet day on Monday, popped to Tesco and didn't do a lot else.
Both boys had a friend over Monday evening, so they all hung out in the playroom then a latish night.
One is a son of my friend, so she came in for a couple of hours when she dropped him and we chatted - I haven't really seen her much at all over the last six months.

Up yesterday to take car for service & MOT (all passed), friend dropped me home and picked her son up.
Ds2's friend stayed all day, think it was nearly 7pm when he left - but he is around a lot as just lives a few doors up the road.
I sorted a load of old paperwork and cleared out the boot of John's car. Also dismantled the oven doors and cleaned between the glass and the oven. I recall my exH taking it apart but I don't think I've ever been able to suss out how to (I haven't tried very hard) so it's been quite a few years since that was done - all gleaming now. Definitely a displacement activity.

I need to go and do constructive out of the house things to do with sorting John's estate today.

SIL is bringing MIL back after, she's been staying there for a week over Easter, so I'll hopefully see SIL at some point today or tomorrow.

I'm brooding on things, which I try not to do.
As in - Why John? Why me? Isn't having had exH leave when the kids were small enough? Why did I have to find what I had with John and for this to then happen. Why???
But there isn't any point brooding. There is no reason or answers and it won't change anything.
I miss him SO VERY MUCH.

I think it's healthy to wallow/brood occasionally, Squirrels, in the long run it helps to balance the grim and the not so grim/OKish in our minds. (Professional head on there!)

My DH survived a 'major' heart attack whilst playing badminton, needing resuscitation immediately and in ambulance, then a very complex triple bypass 3 years ago. He recovered well, fitness back - and now this. He must wonder at times now why he bothered.

Not fair. Just isn't.

Hello you two.

It sounds very tough. I wish I had the answer...I'm struggling with the past too (ex who promised the world and left me with nothing) even though I've mostly rebuilt a happy life the presence is just there all the time.

Hope you both got some sleep.

When is DHs next appointment Selena?

Hi Constant. Yes, I had a similar ex but I've realised it was him, not me. So any unwanted thoughts are told to 'shove off', or words to that effect! My now DH can't even begin to imagine why anyone would want to hurt their partner in any way.

4th May is the next appointment. Oh heavens, that's 2 weeks today!!

Will think of you both then.

DD is having braces fitted on 3/5 and I've got to see the ex then as I've insisted I want to be there (long and complicated)...love DD to bits but wish I didn't procreate with him!

My current DH is also a lovely man who was hurt by his ex so we've sort of healed each other I'd like to think.

Totally get the healing together thing - that's definitely what John and I did.

Just checking in with my new name here too

What are you up to this weekend?

Boys back to school on Wed and I've been sorting through paperwork on and off. It's okay, then gets too much and I need a break.
Need to make sure I arrange 'something' for every day just so I see another adult.
Went to the bank with death certificate and then popped to MIL's and saw SIL on Wednesday, then SIL called round for a couple of hours on Thursday and have been out for lunch with a friend today.
Have sorted through John's clothes a bit, but not actually done anything with them - just checked through pockets, put some trousers through the wash and tidied up his wardrobe. Haven't got that much as a lot went into charity bags last autumn as it was all far too big for him.
Going to pop to see the partner who deals with HR at work on Monday, see how that goes.

No plans for the weekend yet - boys at scouts in the morning then going to their dad's late afternoon till Sunday late afternoon. Weekends are hard because people have their family around them and I don't want to gatecrash. Will see how it goes.

Hello squirrels my dear. I'm back from honeymoon now and thought I'd check in and say hi.

I think it's really sensible that you've just sorted through John's clothes, and not done anything with them yet. I sorted out DH1's too quickly, looking back, and got rid of some things which I've since wished I kept. Nothing like that needs rushing.

Hi Somerville, I hope you had a WONDERFUL honeymoon and that it's nice to be back with your children and the dog and that everything is ticking alone just right x

Hi chasing sorry been absent for a while, real life takes over sometimes.

My mother is only just now getting round to doing something with my DF's clothes and bits. I am taking his shirts, handkerchiefs and ties and going to make them into two quilts, one for me and one for my sister. Very slowly she is doing bots when she feels ready for it. Last week we cleared the side in the kitchen of his gadgets, although they are only moved to a box foe me and my DSis to go through and see if we want anything, and then she will pass them on to others.

Hi Five hope you are all okay.
A quilt sounds a lovely idea, I'm not at all crafty - but he had some many ties they would make a small quilt all on their own!
Just been watching The Last Kingdom, not entirely sure it's suitable for ds2. We watched the first series with John.

Why thank you, yes we did. I both missed the kids badly, and relished the first decent length of time escaping from the responsibility of being their only living parent. Though not a total escape, as the as-yet-unborn-one made themself known with plenty of kicks at inopportune moments...

I was at the cemetery today for the first time in three weeks - the longest gap between my visits since DH1 died. I had a flash of sadness as I realised that the 2-3 times weekly visits I'm accustomed to won't be practical with a newborn, and then the guilt hit. I've pulled myself together now, and realise what I actually feel most is a sense of resignation... Life going on, and leaving him further behind. The former is good and the latter is still shitter than shit.

Anyway, it's not a biggie in the scheme of this strange process we call grief, but it brought to mind those much rawer emotions surrounding life going on in the early days, when they were so much harder to cope with, and that you, and others I know who have more recently lost a spouse on here and in RL, are experiencing.

Lovely post from Somerville

Squirrels you said Weekends are hard because people have their family around them and I don't want to gatecrash

Not necessarily! A friend of mine recently moved back to our village. I went over for coffee and said 'come round for Sunday lunch'. Her reply was along the lines of oh no, I couldn't intrude on your family time. Actually, she would have enhanced it - DH would have loved to have seen her. Also, I'd be happy to meet up with a friend at the weekend for cinema or a bike ride whilst DH and DD pursue their shared sport which I have no interest in.

I appreciate that CrypticDrip, but I suppose never really having seen the friends I have now at the weekend makes it harder.
One works Sat morning and has church Sun morning, plus 3 kids with activities and husband who is away a bit in the week.
Another works FT as does her husband, also has 3 kids and activities etc.
I went for a walk with another friend and husband last Sat and then back to theirs for coffee, and then they invited me and one of their neighbours for Easter lunch on Sunday - but I know they are also generally busy at the weekend with transporting kids to sports etc.
I obviously need more friends, but I find that very hard. And John was my best friend - and the person I pretty much spent all my time with. It's something I'll have to do something about, but I'm not sure how really.

And, I miss lying in bed with him, reading the papers, chatting, having breakfast in bed, and having sex. Which was pretty much our weekend morning routine on the day my boys were with their dad. And to a lesser extent the other weekend morning as well.

I was on the phone to my SIL yesterday and was saying about just wanting to tell him stuff, and she asked if I talk to him and that I should. But I just don't feel that, he is gone, there isn't any point in telling him stuff because I want his response and I can't have it.

It's a month ago today that he died.
It's worse in many ways now, because when he died there was the relief that he wasn't suffering anymore and that I wasn't having to watch it and live through it. It was an awful time.
But now that has dulled somewhat, and there is just the emptiness.
I was saying to SIL how can it all just be gone and she said "Physically John the man has gone. But he's left lots of lovely memories behind. They'll never go". Which is true, and I'm glad I have those memories, but they don't fill the gaping hole in my life, nor hold me close and love me.

Thinking of you today Squirrels and sending love and hugs your way.

Thanks TQ1, hope you are okay.

Just had the post.
Late condolence card from one one my cousins who I haven't seen for years.
Plus a tax return for John for 16/17 to date of death, to be completed by 31 Oct 17 so that's going to be fun. It hadn't occurred to me that it would be paper and therefore have the earlier deadline. As it's going to include partnership income for 2 accounting periods, one of doesn't even finished until June, that's going to be a pain. At least going forward the Estate return(s)
should be easier as I'll be dealing with it and can collate the information as I go along. Whereas his dec'd return is going to involve gathering information from all over the place, and some of it paperless. Another thing to have to deal with.

Boys gone to scouts and I need to get up and get some scouts administration done (I'm the treasurer).

Then my mum has said come for lunch so we will go over there after.

I need to start 5:2-ing again. I'm not eating loads extra, but I've had a few Easter Eggs & chocolates in the last week or so and having worked hard to lose weight a couple of years ago I don't want it creeping up again.

A month today? Be kind to yourself today then squirrels.

I totally understand you finding weekends harder. In time other things in your life will expand to fill that time, but OF COURSE you're missing what you are accustomed to be doing - and want to do - on weekend mornings.

(BTW have you mentioned missing sex with John in RL at all? A common experience for young widows is being met by a bit of bemusement, like our sex-drives should have died with our husbands. The first time I met some fellow wids at a support group I was so pleased to discover it wasn't just me.)

Hi Squirrels, I've been thinking of you - for one month anniversary today.