DH's cancer progression - DH has died [title edited at request of OP]

[Chasingsquirrels]

DH was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus with liver secondaries last sping.
He was HER2 positive and had initial chemo then continuing herceptin.
It was very rocky post initial diagnosis - his throat closed up completely and he was hospitalised following a failed attempt to fit a feeding tube, was fed through a PICC line for a week and then they managed to fit a stent.
He coped well with the chemo and the results were quite positive with the liver nets reducing quite significantly and being held by the herceptin.
In the autumn he has a scan following a period of sickness and the main tumour had grown. He had a second stent fitted and then had radiotherapy.
He seemed to be recovering in January but then had a further period of sickness and another scan 10 days ago showed the liver mets have grown and tumour nodules in his lungs.
The consultant said 3-6 months at this stage, with the possibility of second line chemo which if it works could add a few months to that.
DH's general health has gone downhill rapidly the last few weeks. He is very tired, but unable to sleep for more than an hour at a time, has severe pain episodes and underlying general pain, plus tinnitus from the chemo. He has lost a lot of weight.

I've made the decision to take a leave of absence from work, and have been spending the last few days handing things over.
I feel so conflicted about it, he is my direct line manager and to a large extent I've been doing part of his job as well to enable him to keep working which he wanted to do. I'm utterly exhausted and just can't do it anymore.
He has also accepted that he has to stop now.
I don't want to just give up, but I feel I have to spend thus time with him.

I have no idea what my future holds.

I've been very sad today, and am very lonely now.
Sorted some scouts stuff, went to my parents, came back and exH picked the boys up and I've done some more scout stuff, texted some people and been upset - and eaten chocolate.

No I haven't talked about missing sex in RL, it's not something that's come up. It's not just since he died, he'd been increasingly ill and it had been a while. The initial diagnosis and hospitalisation and chemo was hard and affected his libido but he did recover that during the summer and autumn. But then radiotherapy took its toll and he never really recovered from that. It had just been gentle cuddling and hand holding for a while, and me massaging aching bits of him. And it's not 'sex' that I miss - it's the sex life we had.

You aren't anywhere near Dorset are you?

You sound so sad tonight and all I want to do is come and give yu a hug

Lol Five, no I'm in Cambridgeshire. I'll settle for a virtual one thanks. c

PMing you. Xx

and another virtual today for the one month anniversary Chasing. I've been thinking of you.

Thanks both, and for PM's Somerville xx

Have just watched the end of BGT and that gave me a laugh, then a friend emailed me which gave me another laugh.

John and I were watching Madam Secretary, with ds1 more recently, and there is 4 unwatched episodes on the planner - and I don't know that I can bring myself to watch them now.
I'll probably cancel Sky, DH got it when he moved in, I've only ever had Freeview and was quite happy with it but he wanted it for the Racing channels and he liked movies and some sport. He'd cancelled the movies and sports as we weren't using them and also had Netflix, but then reinstated them a few months ago when he was at home more and more.
So if I'm going to cancel I should watch them before I do so!
I might look into Now TV.

Hugs for you too - sound so sad, the grief for everything that has been robbed from you.

Hoping the week brings a bit of hope for you.

Thanks Cake, been somewhat better today - thankfully. I think it was the 1 month anniversary, I'd thought I'd be a mess on Wednesday which was 4 weeks but that was okay.
Not that I've done a lot and I didn't get up until gone midday, and I polished off some more Easter Egg chocolate . Then went to my parents for tea when the boys were back and we all played cards and just home and chasing them off to bed soon and myself too.

Hope today went OK too

Sadly these anniversaries come around only too regularly. I think it gets better with time (a long, long time) but not completely. For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing by writing it all down here. Sending you hugs.

Thanks Willowkins.

I've not been so low since the weekend.
I've posted on @Juan thread about seeing the HR partner and arranging to return to work, on a reduced basis, in a couple of weeks. I will just have to see how it goes.

Went for a walk with a friend this afternoon which was good.

Have had a chat with ds1 about bereavement councilling. Just putting the independent in his mind.
He said his science teacher came and asked to speak to him in directed studies today, and he was "what me, are you sure?" (Because he is a really good lad and never gets called out for anything). Anyway, the science lesson was going to be on how cancer affects cells etc and the teacher wanted to pre-warn him, and tell him he didn't have to attend, or could leave the lesson at any point if he felt he needed to. He was fine, but I am really pleased that the teacher spoke to him.

Just putting the IDEA in his mind.

That is so thoughtful of the science teacher It's little things like that that really, really help.

Hello sweetie. Been thinking about you and hoping you're all doing as okay as possible. Your son's teacher sounds lovely.

Just checking in with you here too.

That was lovely of the science teacher. I'm sure you and DS1 appreciated the kindness.

Have you got any plans for the weekend to keep you occupied or is it your chance to stop and mope (equally good/important)?

Hello squirrels just dropping by to say hello and say I'm thinking of you.

Every move forward is still a painful wrench isn't it, but I admire you so much taking those small steps like think about your return to work. Your DSs science teacher was very thoughtful to have prewarned DS about the lesson content, how lovely to have compassionate thoughtful staff there to support him. That sort of pastoral care is what makes me proud of our teachers!

Thanks everyone.
Last post Tuesday and now Friday morning. Was pretty low yesterday, but I think it is PMT rearing it's head and making everything worse.
Need to get moving today as have an appointment, which at least gets me up. Having to get up on time to get to work doesn't appeal right now, but will be better for me.

A bit of routine may be helpful indeed. Have you agreed days/hours for going back? Hope you're not going to take on too much - I'm sure you must be exhausted.

Hope that you can find something to help the PMT feeling. I go for tonnes of chocolate

Chocolate had been a bit of a feature lately . Today I've eaten most of a chocolate hen which SIL gave me!
A friend texted this'll morning to see if I wanted to go out for lunch with them so that was nice.
Now just sorting boys for a hike & wild camp they are doing tonight.

We've not agreed set hours, just 15 over 3 days - Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, but I do 9.30-2.30 so I can leave home once the boys are gone and are back just before they are. It gives me a bit of leeway as they both have keys and can let themselves I'm of I'm late. Got the letter from HR about it today and it says "will endeavor to work ...", which is lovely.

Ah that sounds like a good balance.

Wild camping give me a hotel any day!

Yeah me too! It's to a local NT place with open sided shelters and a composting toilet. The scout leader takes tarps and they all want to bivvy rather than use the shelters.
They meet at the scout field and hike over, probably about three miles, ds2 has a rucksack he can almost get into so it will be interesting to see how he's got on. Then hike back this morning but their dad is collecting them so they aren't back till tomorrow.

They went glamping with thir dad over Easter wich didn't sound very glam to me - 5 of them in a yurt and toilets on site. We went to a lodge with a hot tub, much better.

Thought I'd pop on and see how you're doing lass. Work sounds good

Urgh, I thought we'd we would try something different for DH's significant birthday last year and booked a camping pod as compromise to me never ever wanting to camp and while it was quite nice, I was put off by the composting loo and the fucking huge spider that called it home!

I have promised him that this year for his birthday we'll stay home as the year before I made him drive for hours to see my friends

Hope the boys survived it, especially DS2 with the massive rucksack! Hope you're keeping busy with something or just nothing depending on what you're feeling like. Will be around for a chat if you need it x

Urgggh at spider in the loo.

Boys had a fab time, they were back a bit early so came home for a while before their dad collected them, which was nice. I'd popped out (not expecting them home) and got back to them on the drive - but luckily had only been waiting a few minutes.

I've had a friend round this afternoon and we were going to go for a walk or something but instead I just cried, so now I have a headache from to much crying and need to cook some food which I can't be bothered with.

Oh no, can you do something easy like a toastie or eggy bread?