DD wants to “pass” as male at sixth form - how to handle this?

[speckledgreenfrogs]

Hey everyone, made a throwaway account for this.
For simplicity, I’ll be using sex based pronouns when talking about my DC, forgive me if I word anything wrong here.

So about 2 years ago, my daughter (14 at the time) came out to our family as trans. We (me and DH) asked her what exactly that meant to her, and she said she’d like to be called a new male name and be use male pronouns, DH and DS11 bless them, have abided by this but for me as her mother it’s not that easy, I remember the day we found out we were having a girl, I was so happy, especially because I don’t have any sisters, only 2 brothers (which of course I wouldn’t change for the world, but it would have been nice to have a sister) and the memories of me and DH picking her name and middle names, honestly these memories almost make me cry now. (After many times of DD screaming she hates her birth names, and saying DS “doesn’t realise how lucky he is” (I was NOT happy with that comment at all, what the hell???)

Apologies if this is coming off as a rant, I don’t know what to do. Apologies again if this is the wrong place to post this.

Anyway, she’s due to start sixth form in September, managed to snag a place at this really great private sixth form (which is costing an arm and a leg to afford 😅 )(not trying to sound like a twat by saying that it’s private, will edit it that out if that’s a problem) However, we have one (not) tiny issue.

I believe her aim is to join this new 6th form and pose as male (again, forgive me for my language if that’s rude) As she turned 16 earlier this year, she was able to get her name legally changed.

To put it bluntly, how fucked are we? I mean it’s going to come out eventually isn’t it? And I know it’ll be sooner than later. My fear isn’t that she’ll get bullied/made fun of/won’t be respected, more of that she’ll get “outed”/her birth sex will be noticeable, despite her short haircut, and masculine suits (they have to wear smart/business clothing).

She refuses for us to have any communication with the school to let them know, even though we’ve explained to her (many times) that it would be so much better for her if we did.

Even though I honestly am struggling with her transition, I still (and will always) love her more than life itself, and me and DH (who has also expressed his concerns about this) don’t want her to be upset/be in for a “big shock” when it all goes to shit (pardon my language).

She’s also trying to convince DH to get her passport changed? Please tell me you need both parent’s consent for that? I will never say yes to that and she knows it.

Thanks in advance everyone, hope you’re all having a great Sunday. ❤️

She doesn't want to hear the truth.

Thats fine, but she's going to end up VERY upset if she thinks she can keep it a secret and everyone, in fact, knows.

I would not be indulging it. She NEEDS to know the truth and you have a responsibility NOT to lie to her about this as she's still a minor.

Your husband is making the problem worse not better. She is displaying troubling avoidant behaviour. Thats a massive red flag. It makes problems worse not better.

TBH, I'd contact the school and bloody tell them what was going on if your husband did put in fraudalent paperwork because shes MASSIVELY at risk from and she needs to be safeguarded if she's displaying avoidant behaviour to this degree. This is mental health related not identity related.

Fucks sake. I am going to be training as a social worker soon. If actual social workers can’t be arsed to safeguard their own child OR the children they come into contact with, then I’ll be in for a rocky ride. ‘Embracing diversity’ does NOT mean allowing teenagers to change or share intimate spaces with members of the opposite sex. I’m utterly horrified. Both for your own damaged daughter AND for the unwitting boys who have to share spaces with her AND for the vulnerable children that you push your ideology on to. Shame on you.

What on Earth has anorexia got to do with this scenario?
My point was that you should communicate clearly with your child, support and discuss decisions and try to understand their reasons, help them through this transition either or thought, into adulthood or gender or whatever and be there for them in the best and most legal way that is not detrimental to their physical or mental health. And as parents we often do things that are selfless, for the n benefit of our children and this is a time to put prejudice aside and be there for the best interests of the child and help them, however that plays out.

Not sure link worked, it's on amazon too:

https://amzn.eu/d/cyh0KmD

Why would the school or anyone need to know if someone else was menstruating? Why would clothes be removed by anyone in the school for a resusc? Surely this wrist injury was an accident completely irrelevant to any medical history?

I dont think my school knew any of my medical info, of all the DC im related to, or know through friends have disclosed the DCs medical info to the school with the exception of one family disclosed an allergy and need for an epipen but even then it was only the allergy disclosed.

Ffs, just because they’re is trans it doesn’t mean they’re autistic!

The School - have a duty of care and will need to know her sex in case of an emergency, surely ??

It's an anxious time for you.

Metaphorically speaking you're going down the rapids and it's uncomfortable. But, not trying to sound glib, her identity as male or female is just a part of her identity. If she's, for example, funny or thoughtful or helpful, or dependable, these are all characteristics that will matter more to her peers... And they will all take it all in their stride. Your DD undoubtedly knows it's not an easy path, and will probably have built up, whats the word, robustness already.
I expect they ll be fine... Which is not to say it isn't traumatic for you.

Just let her crack on with it.

Either she "really is" trans, and will live the rest of her life as a man, in which case you're damaging your relationship with her crying over what name she chooses to go by

OR

It's a phase that she'll grow out of, and your making a fuss will just drag it out longer

In either case, there's no benefit to interfering.

Like what? Just out of interest.

From a practical point of view, I'd maybe want to talk through what happens if his past becomes known. Will he want to move schools? Can he transfer to another school if that's what it comes to. Will the A levels/boards transfer?

Only because this happened to a friend of DD's. They were outed by one of their many teachers asking in front of the class if they were using the right pronouns for him.

I know this is probably the least of your worries but just to hopefully preempt problems.

The arrogance of trans - no thought to the rights of the other boys and girls whose spaces and relationships are being destroyed by liars

She collapses for some reason and is taken to hospital.

They will need to know her sex for any observations or bloods needed on the way to hospital before they can check medical records.

Are her medical records even going to match her school records, because atm it sounds like a total cluster on here.

If there was a medical emergency and she needed drugs urgently, she could be killed by a male dose. People don’t realise that many drugs have different dosages for men and women.

I would never go for it. She doesn't even know what it means or feels to be a woman.

Too much time on Tiktok probs

No reason at all to be worried about this.

Staines woman dressed as boy jailed for sex assaults

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-17256641

Unless she has been on hormones, it's very unlikely that a girl will pass as a 6th year boy who are basically men: tall, broad-shoulders, facial hair and deep voices.

Does she actually feel that she is a boy/man or is the hatred of her name really at play here? She didn't have to become trans to change her name, but I can see how people would prey on that vulnerability.
She can't tell the new school that she is male, fair enough she can say she is trans and wants men's pronouns etc, but the supreme court ruling is going to influence toilets that she can legally use and so on.
I hope things get resolved so that you can all move forward with this together.

I don't have any advice but am just offering a hand-hold. It must be very difficult to have your much-wanted and much-loved daughter want to change into a son. Sending hugs xxxx

Young people are much more accepting than people on mumsnet so your DD will be absolutely fine. Let her get on with it and support her and just see what happens.

Quite frankly, I think you should pursue a career more suited to your emotional capacity.

https://sex-matters.org/

Get some advice from Sex Matters @speckledgreenfrogs

I don't know if anybody has replied yet. You don't need a GRC to change the sex marker on your passport. The Passport Office say that:

"Unlike the gender recognition certificate (GRC) the issue of a passport in an acquired gender does not give legal recognition of the change of gender. For passport purposes, the question is only whether the person has permanently adopted a new identity."

The trouble is that most people don't realise this.

You said you'd never give your consent for a new passport.

At least your child has one parent and a sibling who loves them enough to respect their wishes.

Just tell her while you’re paying the fees she will be registered as a girl. She wants to be different, she can attend a FE college.